the house

our house.

our OLD house.

the house we no longer own.

it's no longer ours.

we no longer live there.

i honestly haven't allowed myself to sit and process the events of the past year in regards to the house. i think i might have a breakdown at some point.  because really....

it is all

so.
fucking.
sad.

we owned a home.  our first home.  i got fired.  we lost our home.  our first home.

and it has been an AWFUL experience.  a horribly, awful, experience.

i have a lot to say about the people who bought our house in the auction. 

the real estate agents who bought our house in the auction.

A LOT to say.

and now that we're officially out of our home, i will be saying them. 

but not right now. 

right now, my toe hurts.  my feet are pained.  my fingers cramped and fingertips bruised.

and i'm tired. 

but i'm REALLY, REALLY, REALLY happy.

our new rental is SUPER cute- very light, airy and pretty.  and everything i've decorated so far looks a bajillion times prettier here than it ever did in the house we owned. 

have i mentioned how truly kind and wonderful our landlords are? 

blessed.

house auction UPDATE

I tried to get in touch with my apparent "short sale specialist" yesterday and all morning this morning. He never answers the phone. I left him voice mails yesterday. I called his boss. 

No one answers.

So instead of just sitting around, I decided to go to the auction that my house was supposed to be in. I didn't know where it was. I thought it was at the courthouse, but I don't think this town has a courthouse. It was at the community center in a very specific part of the parking lot.

Weird.

There were only about 8 people there. Maybe. 

And me.

Some of them knew who I was because they've driven by my house before to stake it out. And my car was in the driveway.  And now my car was there.

One of the guys asked me if I was the owner.  He said, "I know you have an offer. I don't understand. Maybe it's postponed and you just don't know yet? But your house is the one I was sent to bid on."

Awesome.

The auction guy read the list of postponments.  Our house wasn't on it.

But it was the FIRST! HOUSE! UP! FOR! AUCTION!

So at least we win something, right?!

That's when things got real fun.  And by fun I really mean that I lost my shit and couldn't stop crying.

There was a bidding war going on over this here house. I think there were 4 of them going back and forth- raising their bids by $100 dollars at a time. Really?  Cut to the chase people. 

So by the time it all stopped, someone else owned my house. So I cried some more.  And then asked the auction guy if this was the end all of it all because we're trying to do a short sale and we have an offer that we've put in and I don't understand if this auction is "binding" or not?!?!?

He said he didn't know.

So I cried some more. And then everyone watched me with sad eyes.

At least they looked like they cared.

And now I'm sitting here, staring at the most gorgeous dog i've ever owned in my life, wondering what the fuck comes next?  I'm not joking when I tell you that i've been looking for places to rent for the last YEAR. 

I'm having a problem finding a place that will allow dogs.  Dog haters. 

I think I'm going to throw up now.

Just kidding.  But I am going to work out. Can you run on the treadmill and cry at the same time?  I'll let you know.

talked to the bank yesterday

I'm not sure if i ever told you guys that we finally got a notice of default. i guess it was about a month ago. so we're officially in the foreclosure process and there will be an auction date set on our house within the next few months.

at least that's what they say.

yesterday i finally was able to contact someone at the actual bank! during this time, it's always been someone NOT with the bank, but some sort of collector just seeing if you're going to pay-

the lady at bank of america was a first class bitch. shocking, i know. she was so fucking condesending that i wanted to reach through the phone and kick her in the neck!!! she's so lucky we don't have the ability to do that sort of thing....yet.

"well when will you be on your feet enough to start paying your mortgage?"
me- "well i can't really answer that since i've been unemployed the last 2 years. i've tried to get a job this whole time..."

"oh, you haven't had a job for 2 years? WOW... well are you doing ANYTHING to bring in income to your family?"
me- "what do you mean? in what regard?"

"well are you willing to do anything to bring in money? maybe you should rent out a room?"
me- "i have a child in the house and i'd really rather not rent out a room to a stranger, but thanks."

"okay, so you really don't have anything you're willing to do. and you can't afford your property anymore. my advice to you, and i'll be noting this in your file, is that i'm recommending you take any money you've saved and go find a place that you and your family can afford to live in."

wow, thanks for that brilliant gem.

this was all after she said there was nothing they could do for us. we don't qualify for any kind of modification- not in house, out of house, govt, etc.

so after getting that final answer yesterday- it sort of all hit me. and i got a little sad. it sucks to know that we're losing this stupid ugly house... if only for all the time, effort and money we've put into it. money, that realistically, we didn't have. but we wanted to make our house nicer- prettier- feel like home- and it sucks that i kind of look at all of that as a complete fucking waste of my precious time, money and effort.

it's all been for what?

i was also sad because i think that i carry the stress of this whole house situation on my shoulders. or it lives in my head daily. i cringe everytime the mailman comes near the house. i'm petrified that he's going to ask me to sign for something that says we have 30 days to vacate the property. i feel like i just sit here waiting for it all to drop around me.

and i know i could end all of that by just packing up and leaving first- before any of that happens- but the flip side is- WE'RE SAVING MONEY! and the allure of trying to save as much as we can, outweighs everything else right now. i'm obsessed with trying to just build as much of a nest egg as i can while we're in this situation. i'm terrified that we'll need all the money once we leave this place. and i want to have it.

so do we sit here and wait until we're told to leave, or do we start packing and leave on our own accord- and put this part of our lives to rest and start the next part? i will admit that living this way feels stagnant- like i'm not moving forward- like i'm on pause- stuck-

anyway, that's where we're currently at. i imagine it's only a matter of time before we're packing up and trying to find a place to live with out 2 big dogs. *crosses fingers*
until then, the psycho in me wants to get boxes and start packing up everything we don't use, need, etc. i want to make this as painless as possible for when we do have to go- i want everything except our clothes and kitchen shit to be packed and ready. you know?

i know i'll thank myself later for it.

why does everyone always want everything for FREE?

i have found that trying to start your own business(es) means:

that people will constantly surprise and amaze you.

in both good and bad ways.

the people you know will want your services for nothing. or at least at an extremely discounted rate. and while i understand that to a degree on one hand- the other hand, (you know, the one that's empty and has no money in it because i don't have a job and i'm trying to create ONE by starting a business) is like.. WHAT THE FUCK? if i give everyone i know all my services and products for FREE, then how am i ever supposed to make any money? i can't create or be successful in any business i try to launch, if i don't charge my friends at least something.

and that's the other thing- i cannot for the life of me, imagine asking one of my friends who is trying to start a business, to do some of the things i'm asked to do...

it's one thing if it's offered.

it's another thing if it's not.

part of me thinks that people just don't get it. what goes into everything i do. i mean, how can they?

if you aren't a photographer then you don't you don't know what it's like to shoot hundreds of photos during one session, and then spend over/up to 2 hours just narrowing down the best shots. and then i typically spend anywhere from six to ten hours processing the photos. it may not sound like much, but it is a lot of detail work. a lot of staring at the computer, making a beautiful shot, even more beautiful. i love the results i get, but it IS work for me to get them that way. and it's time consuming.

if you're not a baker then you don't know that i worked my ass off for over 16 months on my cupcake recipes and frostings. you don't know that i didn't have a chocolate frosting for almost 2 years because i couldn't make one that didn't taste like shit on my cupcakes. you don't understand how much time, care, and perfection goes into baking up the yummiest cupcakes in the world (ahem, those would be mine by the way... in case you were wondering-lol). but i guess the thing that tends to shock me the most when it comes to my cupcake business... is the sheer number of people who ask me for my recipes.

MY RECIPES!!!!!!

why the hell would i give you my recipes to my cupcakes? then you would never order them from me again because you could just make them yourself. and really, WHO asks that of someone?

i guess the same kind of people who ask me for my books for free. i wrote that book. it took me almost a year from start to finish to have that book ready to print. it came from my guts. why wouldn't you want to support it? i have to buy my books in advance. they cost money. and then i have to pay for shipping. that costs money too. i don't make that much profit on my paperback books. but some of my friends want them for free. for every person who i gave a free paperback copy too- i PAID you. not only did i give you the book, but i gave you the money it cost to make it, write it, ship it, etc.

you're welcome.

and i don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything, but it's just that i'm shocked i guess at how many people want something for nothing. especially when they know i'm currently unemployed. i don't have a job. i don't have an income. why the fuck would you want my stuff for free?

it surprises me everyday the people who choose to support me (in all honesty, it surprises me everyday as well, the people who choose NOT too). i never expected that so many people that i went to HIGH SCHOOL with would buy my book. i know that might sound weird, but high school was a long ass time ago. so many of my hs friends have jumped on the book train, simply to support what i'm trying to do. and that, is really what true friends are made of.

i could not appreciate their support any more than i already do. they all blew my mind. in the best way possible. so i thank them for that.

it's been amazing seeing who has supported and bought my book. it's also been a little sad at seeing certain groups of people not support, not help, not offer something to spread the word (when they have a lot they could do with their reach, influence, followers, fans), but i guess that's life.

i'm definitely learning who i can count on to be there for me ... as well as who won't. it's just funny, the people i expected hands down to really do something- haven't at all. a group of people who claim to be so focused on community, support and building each other up- they all just want THEMSELVES built up.

but then again, maybe i haven't done enough for them in the past?

who knows?

all i do know is- if you have a friend who is trying to start a business- be considerate, and offer to pay for their services. they'll thank you for it down the road.

:)

starbucks & creating jobs

i was on the call this morning with starbucks CEO howard shultz. it was quick (too quick), but still pretty awesome.

i love what they are trying to do- help small business get the funding they need to succeed. i think it's great to see that we as a society are trying to move back into the place where we actually LOVE and SUPPORT our small businesses again. i think it's important to give people a chance to realize their dreams of owning and operating their own business. being their own boss. but we, as consumers have to support that. if we don't shop there, they can't stay open.

i asked about not having a storefront, and if someone was an individual looking for funding, could they get it? howard said yes, they could.
that's pretty cool and exciting i think!

but then i realized that the reality is-
i don't want a loan.
i don't need a loan.
what i need is help getting my books out to the public. places to sell. places to put them in the public eye. because i'm a self published author who doesn't have a big publishing company behind me, marketing for me, putting my books in book stores (that are quickly closing their doors), booking me on tv shows, sending my books to hundreds of book bloggers, pr reps, etc.
i need all the help i can get.

and this is where i think starbucks has lost it on some level. they say constantly that they strive to be a local store, in the local community where they are located.

so on that note- why don't they feature artwork and photographs on the walls from local artists and photographers? why don't they have a small section of the store where they could sell books and cd's from local authors and musicians?

i realize that it's probably a hell of a lot easier to say than to actually do- i mean, how do you choose WHAT merchandise you sell? do you sell everything that people want too? there would have to be rules and parameters. i know.

but you see, that's how you could help me. by selling the books i write in local stores where i live- you're featuring a local author. you're helping my book be seen by people who might not otherwise see it.

that's how you help get me back to work.
that's how you help support and sustain my economy.

think about it.

remember our house situation?

you guys, i'm so sorry that i haven't talked about our house, or the situation at all lately. i seriously forgot that a lot of people have been finding my blog when they search about losing their home, short sale, foreclosing, how bank of america sucks hairy balls, etc. and i forget that y'all want to know just WHAT THE HELL is going on.

we DID stop paying, like i mentioned in this post here. (all the posts about our house, and deciding what to do, etc are here)

so we stopped paying. it's been, what, 5 months i think? yeah, i think that's right. we are still paying our home owners insurance (someone asked about that), but property taxes are another story.

ideally, we'd still like to work with the bank. we don't have a lot of faith that that will happen, but we don't really know for sure.

we have looked into a short sale. we will definitely pursue that option if we have to, but right now, we're waiting. there are a lot of things to think about- if you sell your house for less money than you owe, can the banks come after you for the difference? or are you liable for the difference on your taxes (filing the difference as income). there are all scary questions that you have to find out. each state is different.

and really, i don't know how all you people who have put your homes on the market do it! it freaks me out to think about strangers traipsing around in here when we aren't home. what do you do with your things? it just feels so violating. eeeek.

anyway, it's still stressful. i wait everyday for that letter to come giving us a time limit to get the hell out of the house. when it comes, i'll make sure to post about it.

right now- we're just waiting. unsure of what is coming, or when exactly. i wish i had more to tell you. i mean other than the almost daily phone calls (that AREN'T even from the bank mind you, but a collection agency who has no power to make any deals because they AREN'T the bank), there isn't much going on. which is both a blessing and a curse. i try not to think about it.

changing

i am going through so many changes.

we all are.

maybe some of us are fighting it more than others. are you in a bad relationship and you know you should let go, but you're fighting to hold onto it? or maybe you're in a job you can't stand.... and you stay there because you have security. or you're losing your house, but you're refusing to just.. let.it.go.

i think we all fight to hold on to those things that are familiar to us. familiar feels comfortable. and comfortable... well... it feels good.

change is scary. because it's unknown. and we don't know how it will feel. and not knowing how something will feel is sort of terrifying in its own right.

i'm definitely changing. it's as though i am going through all my old wants- everything that used to be okay... things i used to want (this is all career-wise).... i no longer desire.

i no longer have the desire to work at any cost.

i have no use for things that do not make my heart sing and my soul feel alive. :)

so i'm changing. and i'm finding new wants. and new desires.

and i know what they are, even though i keep trying to ask myself, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU TRULY WANT?!??!"

i know the answer.

but fear runs in and rears its ugly head- telling me that i can't possibly want what i want because HOW WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT????

and then that's where something else comes in....

and it tells me that i have to change the way i think and view the word "success." and i have to remind myself that success is just a word. and we've all given the word meaning. i'm told that i have to let go of the checklist i've created that defines what successful means.

i have to change the way i view success. it no longer has to fit into the box i've created. the box we, as a society, have created. you're only successful if you make lots of money. you're a success if you are the boss of a large corporation (and you're rich), or you run your own business (that makes lots of money).

success does not have to mean those things. maybe my new meaning for success should revolve all around being happy.

feeling fulfilled.

doing what calls to my heart and soul. being allowed to do those things.

writing. sharing my emotions, thoughts and beliefs with all who choose to read them.

of course i want money. but no, i don't have to be rich to feel successful.

i think to me...... my new success, would involve writing. and having people enjoy what i write. and yes, making some money of course (so i could feel like a contributing member of my household)..

i'm still figuring it all out- what success would mean to me. but the main thing is happiness. truly loving what you do, and who you affect, and feeling good about the contribution you're making.

anyone else feel like their changing? growing... evolving?

my (current) house- by the numbers

just to further depress myself.. or make myself feel even shittier than i already do- i wanted to write down just what we'll be losing when we lose our house... in dollar signs.

can someone point out to me the clear space and time when the american dream of home ownership turned to anything but? i honestly think that i can remember when it happened. when everything changed and got totally screwed up. it truly wasn't that long ago.

*deep breath* here goes:

i took $15,000 out of my retirement fund to put down on the house.
"a sure thing" everyone said. "a home is a sound investment, the best investment you can make!" i love that bank people and realtors make you unrealistic promises and guarantees. "in 5 years, you'll MAKE money on this house! it will be worth more than you paid for it and you'll both be making more money in your jobs." quite the crystal ball you guys had. hope you aren't continuing to say those things to people.

dear bitterness and hurting heart- stop distracting me.

okay..

$25,000 down on the house (15k of that from my retirement)

$15,000 worth of structural work UNDERNEATH the home. the cement posts were rotted and buried in water. they all to be replaced before we even moved in. we were initially told this would cost $5000 and that the bank would cover it.

$2000 for new carpet in the bedrooms only$$ for ceiling fans in 4 bedrooms (none of the rooms had any lights built in, so i figured this was the easiest and best way to have light and air in each room)

$$ for endless amounts of paint. i repainted the entire house (after taking down walls upon walls of 30 year old wallpaper)
boyfriend repainted the ceiling throughout the house (but not before he scrapped off the popcorn from every inch).
i also repainted all of the bedroom, closet & bathroom doors, as well as the cabinets in the hallway & bathroom.

$$ for appliances- fridge, exhaust fan, washer & dryer

$$ for furniture- couch, dining room table & chairs, shelving units, stands, etc

$$ for new hardware- all door handles & hinges and kitchen cabinet handles

$$ for sod, pipes & machine equipment rentals- tore up the decaying and rotting hot tub & deck in the back yard and planted grass throughout. also did french drains so the area would drain properly and not flood like it was.
also tore up the front yard and planted grass

$1500 for front entrance- stone & rock walkway

$$ replaced front door, garage entrance to house door & new locks for each

$$ blinds & window coverings on 30 year old windows we couldn't afford to replace just yet (thank the freaking goddess).. in our vain attempt to keep the heat/cool air in/out of the house


and the absolute MOST IMPORTANT factor of all:
$$$$$$$$$ all of our time. doing everything ourselves. weekend after weekend of work, work, work on the house. updating, fixing, making it look decent. hours upon hours that we can never get back.


it sucks to think that we're going to lose this house (or short sale, but either way- it will no longer be ours) and in essence, we will be losing everything we've put into it. all of our time. all of our hard work. all of our efforts. and a shitload of money.

just kissing it all goodbye.


thanks for nothing.


all of that and we'll walk away with nothing to show for it, except a completely fucked up credit score.

it just doesn't seem right.

we're going to stop paying our mortgage

i feel awful. the other week, i was sick to my stomach just THINKING about foreclosing.

on one hand, i need to be free of this house that weighs me down. it's like a fucking anchor in the sea of life, and if i do not cut free from it, it will literally pull me under the waves and laugh as i drown.

this house is killing me.

i can sit here and tell you that i never should have done it. never should have bought it, but none of that matters. doesn't matter what i should have done, or could have done... the point is, i did buy the house. and now i need to unbuy it. that would be cool- an unbuy option. money back guarantee. someone invent that. tomorrow.

anyway.. when i think about being free from this burden (and trust me when i tell you that my shoulders carry the weight of this burden and they are only so strong), it feels good. i am certain that at some point, i will feel immense relief from being out from under this. at some point.

because when i think about NOT paying my mortgage anymore... you know, willingly and knowingly NOT paying my mortgage anymore...well, that makes me want to throw up. it makes me feel horrible. like everything inside me gets twisted up like a fork twisting spaghetti.

i think it's because that's not the kind of person i am. i don't just NOT pay for things. i don't skip on my credit card bills, or car payments, or any payments. i pay for my shit. and i pay it on time. hence the shining gold star credit rating i currently have.. and will soon lose. because i am choosing to save myself, instead of drown.

i think i just want it out there that this decision, no matter how right it is for me, and how much sense it makes financially... has been one of the toughest decisions i've ever had to make. and even though i know that getting out from under this house will be the best thing for our family, the actual process of DOING that (instead of just thinking about it) is so unbelievably hard.

it is one thing to talk about what we should do. it is another to actually start doing it.

you all know that we've tried to work with the bank. apparently having a mortgage that is 61% of our current gross monthly income is perfectly acceptable and not worthy of a loan modification. last week i read more things than i can even understand about short sales, home loan mods, what crooks the banks are, foreclosure, credit scores, etc. it all boils down to the simple fact that the banks make more money foreclosing on your home, than they do working with you to modify your loan, or accomodating a short sale. i know that doesn't seem like it makes any sense, but it's the truth. THE BANKS MAKE MORE MONEY IF THEY FORECLOSE ON YOUR HOME. hence, they don't give a shit if that's exactly what happens to you.

so we've decided that come next month, we will no longer be making our mortgage payments. the thing is, we're making them now- but it's at the cost of our property taxes and home owners insurance. if we were get either of those bills in the next month or so, we'd have NO money to pay them. i'd like to think that once we stop paying, the bank will work with us, but i've read far too many horror stories online to know that it's more than likely, not the case. they make more money if we foreclose, remember?

i don't know what's going to happen, but i'm sure it won't be pretty. this totally sucks.

when did i become a passenger in my own life?

sometimes i sit and wonder how the hell my life has gotten to the point it's currently at.

but mostly, i wonder why the fuck i can't get out of it? why can't i seem to change any part of it?

i feel like i'm up against this brick wall- fighting, scratching, clawing, punching.. doing anything i can to break through it. and on the other side are these ridiculously muscular animated thugs- who keep piling on more and more cement so that the wall can NEVER come down. but see, i have no idea they're there.. piling on more cement. but they know i'm trying to get through. and everytime they hear me fighting, they laugh.

at me.

because in their minds, my fight is pathetic. my strength is weak. they know that unless THEY allow me get through the wall, it's never going to happen. i fight, kick, scream, do everything i can to move one of the bricks... even if it's just in the slightest. but they're always there- making sure that exact thing doesn't happen.

and so i sit here... wondering... how did i get to a place where i'm currently unemployed, can barely get any interviews, will probably foreclose on my first house soon, living up in northern california with no end in sight, feeling completely unsuccessful when i should be anything BUT.. ???? not really how did all of this happen, but moreso why won't any of it end?

when did i become the passenger in the car driving my life?

it's as though i'm in a "view only" seat. i can no longer make the decisions. i can no longer decide where we're turning or what direction we're heading...

it's literally as though what i want and what i strive for no longer has any relevance. none of it matters. because i'm no longer making my reality... well... real.

and i wonder if this is some sick sort of lesson i'm supposed to be learning about letting go.. giving up control.. trusting that things will work out when and how they're supposed too... but really? how can you ask someone to give up complete and total control in their own life? because that's how i feel.

powerless.

it's been over a year of me fighting for change. fighting to make a difference in my own life. reaching for the things i truly want, only to have them kept out of reach. putting myself out there time and time again, only to have it all thrown back in my face. or completely ignored. not sure which is worse.

the bottom line is- if i'm not driving the car of my life... who the hell is? and how can i kick them the fuck out and get back in the driver's seat?


edited to add... just want to make sure y'all know that i'm not depressed, i'm not sad, i'm not in a bad way- i'm just simply trying to point out how it feels to be me right now. just matter of factly. i simply feel like i have no say what goes on in my life right now. like no matter what i try to accomplish or achieve, it's 100% out of my control, and not working for me. the end. :)

hopefully this is my last post

about bank of freaking america.

are you sick of reading about the loan modification program that i've been talking about for the last YEAR? i am sick as fuck from writing about it.

let's recap, shall we?

got fired at the very end of march last year.
filed immediate paperwork for home loan modification.. so let's say, april.
was told a decision would be made by 90 days. (i remember thinking 90 days was crazy long and holy shit, i'll have a new job by then so it won't matter.. this sucks)
loss of paperwork
refill out paperwork
resend to someone, who will only give us a fax number, but no phone number to contact them
208342094 phone calls to 2139812093 different people who all say different things.
lose paperwork again
say we aren't qualified.. let them know if our situation changes
followed by an immediate additional letter saying our situation is in the final stages. we should hear in 30 days.
i think that was about .. i dunno, 75 or so days ago


to this:
checked my bank account the other day. and instead of the normal mortgage amount, there was almost EIGHT HUNDRED ADDITIONAL DOLLARS TAKEN OUT!!!!!

EIGHT.HUNDRED.DOLLARS.

listen up fuckheads, i need HELP with my mortgage. i don't need you to go into my bank account, WITHOUT ANY WARNING, and take out an additional 800 dollars from my account.

and that's the part that really gets me. that i've been in this program, trying to get help with the loan for almost an ENTIRE YEAR. and just now they start taking out extra money. without saying a thing? what if that money wasn't there? then what? and that money WAS there, because it goes towards NEXT MONTHS MORTGAGE, assholes. i just don't get why they have the right to take extra money without saying a word?!?!?

and when i called, you know what they told me?

it's some sort of escrow fund (to cover taxes, which are completely up to date, and homeowners insurance, which is already paid through the entire year)... and if i want that money to STOP being taken out EACH MONTH FROM NOW ON, then i have to OPT OUT of the modification program.

for which, we have NOT YET BEEN APPROVED FOR, mind you.

and have i mentioned that the amount they took out is far over what is needed to cover the taxes & insurance anyway????

what the fuck is up with this?!?! i mean, is this seriously how all banks are doing business now? do people know this shit is going on? does the government? do they care?!??!

so let me get this straight:
you ask for help
they string you along for as long as they can
they lie
"lose" paperwork constantly
don't give you anyone to talk to on a consistant basis
then take out money (that you don't have) IN ADDITION to your current mortgage, and expect you to not default on your loan?!?!?!?

bank of america, next month our mortgage will be short almost 800 dollars. i sure hope to shit you can figure the fuck out why.

and i'm sure this will be all our fault.

and you'll foreclose on us.

because you totally suck at this whole HELPING PEOPLE STAY IN THEIR HOMES thing.

the post where i tell sears to blow me

what is it with corporate america and their ability to make me want to tell them to go fuck themselves?!?!?!

right this very moment (okay, more like 20 minutes ago) i realized the fridge was broken. it was flashing an E F error code.. which of course, you have no idea what that means unless you look it up online. the manual doesn't say anything about any flashing error codes. no codes, no flashing, no nothing. stupid manual.

so i called sears. because that's where we got our kenmore elite fridge from. sears. i'm pretty sure that call i made was routed to.. i dunno, zimbabwe maybe... maybe it was kentucky? all i know is that there was some major breakdown in communication along the way.

them- "what phone number is associated with your account when you bought the fridge?"
me- "oh geez, i'm not sure.. try this number."
them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "shoot, i'm sorry. okay, try this one."
them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "crap. i dunno, how about this?"
them- "no account is showing with that number."
by this point i'm thinking that maybe i'm talking to a robot. so i give her 1 more phone number and pray to the fridge gods that it's the right one.
them- "yes, that works."
praise the freaking lord cause i was running out of numbers to choose from lady.
them- "can you give me the name associated with the account?"
me- "yes. it's jenn"
them- "thank you janet."

dies.

after i revived myself, she informed me that the soonest a technician would be in my area (cause clearly, they're flying in from zimbabwe.. or riding a horse from kentucky), would be on tuesday, the 25th. THE TWENTY MOTHER FUCKING FIFTH.

that is eleven days away. eleven days. you know what happens to food without a freezer or a fridge in 11 days?

yes, you in the back waving your hand violently?

does it go bad and spoil, miss janet?

someone give the girl a prize!!!

it spoils. it unfreezes. it melts. IT ROTS.

it's a total and complete loss. awesome.

so unless sears wants to send me a $300 gift card to a local grocery store to replace all of the food i will lose WAITING on my non bon bon eating ass (cause i don't eat warm ice cream bitches) for the next 11 days.... HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

and listen, i realize that there are things going on in the world.. maybe going on in your world, that are far more serious than my fridge breaking. i'm not trying to say omg, people are dying, BUT MY FRIDGE IS MELTING MY ICE CREAM (at least you can afford ice cream, janet!!!!).
and it's not like my dishwasher broke and heaven forbid i have to hand wash dishes until it's fixed. or my stove broke and so i won't be able to cook anything on the stove.. which would stuck, but still.. totally liveable. this is the one thing in the home that houses your food and without it.. um... your food doesn't last... it doesn't keep. why the hell am i defending this?

the point of my frustration is that i'm sick and tired of not feeling cared about by anyone or anything (business speaking). you sold me a product. i did nothing to make it break. it's broken. it's not even 3 years old. and you want me to wait until all my food has spoiled to come and fix it. and on top of that, you'd probably charge me some ridiculous price to make it do what it's supposed to do in the first place. i'm sick of companies not caring. i'm sick of feeling like customer service is the last priority on the business grid anymore. it disgusts me. how does anyone stay in business when they treat people this way?

sears, if you ask people to wait 11 days before you can fix something like a refridgerator- you're kind of an asshole and you have an efficiency problem you should be looking into fixing. maybe you don't have enough technicians. hire some. all i know is that if you don't remedy this, i can guarantee that i'll never buy a single thing from your company again. not even if you were the last company on earth. i'd build it myself. with my robot lady from zimbabwekentucky and whoever the fuck janet is.

i want to crush my phone like the pos it is

remember when i had my verizon fiasco? you know, the one where i cried in their store? the one where THEY broke MY perfectly working phone and wouldn't give me a replacement one without a charge of at least $80 dollars out of my own pocket? i'm sure you're as scarred as i am over that one.

i ended up having to call customer service to see what could be done. i was without a phone for 4 days. oooh, how did i live? customer service told me that they could send me a refurbished phone, but it could only have a certain dollar value. the lady on the line sent me the "best" one of her choices.

i can't even begin to describe to you how much i fucking LOATHE.THIS.PHONE. first of all, it is in no way comparable to the phone i had before. the phone verizon broke. it doesn't have the same features. it is a pain in the ass to use. the screen is probably a third of the size, the phone is half the size and it's slower than that commercial where the swim race guys jump into a pool of caramel. i pretty much cannot stand everything about this stupid phone that i swear was made for children and not grown ups.

you have to understand that i am an electronics snob. i LOVE my cell phones. i LOVE my tv's. i love my stereo equipment. i research the hell out of things that i want to buy and once i've decided what will be perfect for me, i want it and nothing else. and i can't be talked out of it. my cell phone is a reflection of me and my taste, style, and preferences. i don't give a shit if you think my cell phone is stupid or there's a better one on the market- the phone i bought is the phone i wanted.. after testing, researching, comparing, reading reviews, blogs, forums, etc.

so the fact that i have to walk around with this phone on me, is not only embarassing, it's infuriating. everytime it rings or beeps for a new text message i want to throw it at the wall. and in all honesty, i have NEVER in my life left a phone, forgotten a phone, don't know where my phone is, more times than i have since this phone has come into my life. case in point, this weekend my sister, mom and girlfriend were all going to meet us at blake's baseball tournament. I LEFT MY PHONE IN OUR HOTEL ROOM SO I COULDN'T GET AHOLD OF ANYONE!!!! i would never normally do something like that. it is because i can't stand this phone so much subconsciously that i am always ditching it.

so while i want to thank verizon for doing what they should of done in the first place, which was issuing me a new phone.. i also want to say thanks a lot... for giving me a phone that is clearly less superior than my previous phone.. that takes me about 10 hours to send a text message because i cannot deal with the keypad thing.. that doesn't have the capability to video things.. and that was literally, made for children with tiny fingers and hands. i mean, why else would the background be a kids bedroom with a lava lamp??? cause the thing was MADE FOR KIDS.

and i also want to thank verizon for having complete and total unhelpful assholes working in their actual stores. thanks for NEVER having your new phones in stock. for telling me that the htc incredible STILL has a 1 month's wait. i don't know how i will go to new york with this stupid phone i currently have. i need my incredible to travel with. i feel like i can't function with this phone i have now. UGH!!!

verizon.. i have never been more mad at you before. i think i feel even more wronged because i have been such a loyal customer for so long. i don't understand why companies don't care about people anymore. they don't care about their employees.. their customers.. as long as they are making money. i feel like i should have been taken care of better. your store should have fixed what THEY broke. they shouldn't have blamed me for what happened- and sided with their employee when he clearly did not divulge certain information. your manager should learn how to manage and take some customer service classes. i feel completely uncared about. i have RARELY complained to you (unless my phone snapped in half or whatnot) in the past.. i have been a customer since you bought my old cell phone company probably like 11 or so years ago. i want to feel like i matter. i want to be treated like you CARE that this happened to my phone. i don't want to be told to pay money. or it's time for me to upgrade, so i should just do that instead. but we don't have the phone you want anyway, so go fuck yourself. i realize i'm just one person in your grand world of many cell phone users and customers. but the thing is- that should matter to you.

and it doesn't.

i'm sick of it.

this world needs to change.

DIY front walkway!!! aka my wrist will never be the same

so.. boyfriend and i prepped an area in front of our house probably a freaking year ago to put down some sort of paver stone.

we got grass and turned what was once hideous and gross ugly bushes into a gravel pit, and then the other dead and awful area of the yard into pretty grass.


because my girlfriends are coming out in like 4 weeks, i have a fire lit under my ass to finally get things done that i've put off for forever. i realize that it's not a great time for me to be spending money, but you know what? this front porch and our walkway NEEDED to be done. and it's been sitting there, looking like embarrassing shit for over a year. not to mention the fact that it was literally a gravel pit for people to attempt to walk on, so i don't care that i probably "shouldn't" have done it now. clearly i wasn't going to do it when i HAD a job, so at least it's done!

i must say that i am a brilliant mother f'n genius and i made the amount of stone i bought work (when it wasn't enough at all) by creating a border around the area of the lawn and the house... and when the amount i bought still wasn't enough? i made the border BIGGER! and then, i was only short literally 2 pieces of stone. so i patted myself on the back.. told myself i rocked.. and then wanted to die because holy crap, doing stone stuff yourself is kinda hard.
and it takes forever.
and you have mini meltdowns because you get hungry.
and then you get thirsty.
and then you see people walk by and stop and stare and make polite conversation but you know the whole time THEY ARE JUDGING YOU and you want to put some stone in a place on their body it can't possibly go. but that's not nice, so you smile and wave and then tell them unless they're about to pick up some stones and get to work, you have to stop chatting with them. that usually gets them to leave because seriously, who wants to help with this shit?!

thankfully, blake wanted to help! he shoveled dirt (after he mowed the lawn ..and weeds.. in the backyard)

and then he worked on chipping away some concrete from our steps


we started with a big pile of dirt (also known as a "yard")


and a ton and a half stack of stones.


tacoma does not look entertained


so then boyfriend (who was unbelievably amazing and did so much of this job himself because i would have never been so meticulous or organized. don't get me wrong, the stones would have gotten done and they would look pretty, but they would be all wobbly and not level and all of us girls in high heels would fall and break things. so basically, he is amazing.. not to mention SO GOOD at doing stuff like this!!!) put down the border between our stones and the grass- which is another thing that if i was doing this alone, wouldn't have gotten done. "um, what's a grass border and is it REALLY necessary?"


and then i shoveled so much dirt that my arm is in a ridiculous amount of pain. i assume this is what i dunno, carpel tunnel, or tendinitis must feel like. it is swollen, huge, and just hurting!! i think it's just strained, but it sucks how much i can't twist or move it. i am pretty sure that by tomorrow, my hands won't work anymore. it's been nice knowing you hands. you've been good to me over the years, thanks. this is the last known picture of me with working hands.


anyway, after we did all this prep work to actually put the stones down, i started freaking out because when you put all the stone down and there is nothing between them but the spaces of air.. they look freaking AWFUL and i was looking at boyfriend thinking "why is it so ugly??? oh my gosh, i spent all this money and this is freaking hideous and awful and i hate it!!!!"

but then he reassured me that once it is full of sand in all the cracks (haha) it will look better.
and thank the goddess he was right!!!!!!! well i like it better anyway. and that's all that matters.


AND ANOTHER THING- why doesn't anyone tell you that when you're putting together these pieces of stone that clearly are not made to go right next to eachother.. that they all fucking form triangles?!??!?! everything and the way the spaces end up working.. all triangles. triangles!!!!! now you know.

this is the finished front patio area. we still have to get some small stones for the border around the large rocks.. and the sand is still settling, etc... but you get the point!


i will admit that i did leave boyfriend for the majority of sunday to do some serious patio furniture shopping and comparison. i didn't intend to be gone for so long and the whole time i was away i was racked with guilt. not that i could have done what he was doing anyway, but i should at least be there for moral support.. or to be his beer wench or something. i don't like it when he's doing work that i wanted done and i don't do it too. it's like having a manager who gives you all the shit jobs and surfs the internet all day. if that is you- you suck and should change cause all your employees hate you. and boyfriend, thank you for all your hard, meticulous, incredible work.

where was i? patio furniture! oh yeah, check it!!!


so...was it worth it?
absolutely!!!! i now have a gorgeous walkway and an area where i can sit in the front of the house. and i think this is the first time since we moved in that i can look at my house and not want to burn it down! this is progress people.

would we do it again?
absolutely NOT. i think the first thing boyfriend said after we were done was something like, "we are NOT doing this shit to the backyard."

i heard that.

the rest of our summer days will end something like this

no job = no shopping

and let me tell you that,
#1- i'm not used to having no job... which means no income.. which means i can't buy whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want.
#2- i am not digging that part of being unemployed.. AT ALL

because i have a list (a freaking list!!!!) of shit.i.want. and that list- it just keeps growing. so when i get a job and a paycheck, i might celebrate by buying everything on my list the first chance i get.

i want this airbrush machine. yes, i want my own personal airbrush machine. i can have flawless, magazine cover looking skin whenever i freaking want too- and who doesn't want that kind of control over their face?!?!? right, only idiots who don't care about their hotness. i care about my hotness. call me shallow if you want- but it's really more about confidence and working with what you have.. owning it.. and fucking loving it... and then having the ability to make it even more gorgeous at your fingertips!!!! that's right.


i want shoes. sandals. crazy knee high boots. i need to go on a serious shoe shopping spree with no spending limit.






i also want clothes! super cute, bright, fun, crazy summer shirts. that of course are already leaving all the stores so by the time i get a job to buy all my adorable sleeveless, bright, fun, tops... they'll be out of season.

also, i want this freaking cell phone. and i want it NOW. i can't tell you how badly the replacement phone that finally got sent me sucks. it's made for a child i think. or at least someone with no fingers. i have never hated a phone so much before.


and then don't even get me started on the number of home improvement projects i want to get done. and i have friends visiting in a few weeks, and i want some of them done before they get here.. because our house? it embarasses me. for reals. and the thought of them coming here when our house looks the way it does, makes me want to cry. i know they won't give a shit at all what our house looks like.. BUT I CARE. i really need to get some flagstone-esque stones for the front area of our house? (no.. this picture isn't of our house.. it's someone else's i stole off the internet)


and then i need something for the backyard so we can have some sort of sitting area. we currently have nothing going on back there except for a bunch of grass. we need some cement... or stones.. we need a patio area. and then of course i'll need a table and chairs and a brella and a firepit. i am so low maintanance. something like this, but not in red. sorry red lovers.


and vacations? i want to plan them and go on them and do things. if i could just win a little bit from the lottery, that would totally help. i'm not greedy and don't want millions upon millions of dollars. at this point, almost anything over 100,000 would be helpful. ha

i have to stop this post now before i depress the hell outta myself. and start adding things to the list like PUPPIES and dolphins!!!!!

eeeeeeeek, the cuteness!!!!!

okay, okay, i'm stopping!!! but not before i ask you what's on your list?!?!?

guess what i am???

STILL unemployed.

i don't talk about it that often, do i? but y'all should know that i'm still freaking jobless. i really am looking for work all over the place, but as of right now- nothing has panned out. guess what else though? i still feel super okay about it all. i don't know what my problem is. i don't know why i'm not freaking out, or why i haven't freaked out yet.... maybe i have fully accepted that i can only do so much about this situation. i search for jobs- i've talked to recruiters- i've talked to casting directors, agents, publicists- i've had great conversations with people- and i feel like short of applying at taco bell, i'm doing everything i can and should be doing. so i feel good about everything.

the only thing that sucks is having no money in the summer to do anything with.

and the other thing that sucks is my desire to travel and do stuff. i mean, summer to me equals subconsciously, travel... trips.. fun.. and vacations!!! you know?

and so it is so hard to not have any money to go anywhere or do anything. and it's sad.. like it makes me sad on the inside. i think i hate sitting still. at least for long periods of time. it makes me feel like i accomplish nothing, and go nowhere... and i hate all of that.

not to mention the fact that blake is finally at the age where he could appreciate going new places and seeing new things and i'm all sorts of dying to take him places.

so maybe someone wants to sponsor me to travel?!?!?! we can call it um... a history tour for the youth! but the only youth would be my son. we could make that work right?! i think so!

ah man, i need a job.

money or heart?

when i was a young single mom, i worked on a trading floor with a bunch of brokers who were living it up at the time and making ridiculous amounts of money. and i mean, ridiculous.amounts.of.cash. i got an offer at one point to work with the guys on the floor. that offer came with with a hell of a starting pay. the thought of making 70 grand a year at 25 years old (with a 6 month old kid) was pretty tempting.

but only for about 5 minutes.

because you want to know how i think? i was flattered by the offer and knew it would probably be smart to take it so i could have financial security for me and the boy. but i also knew that my heart wasn't in the financial industry. and that if i did take that position, i would most likely feel stuck forever. i would be making so much money, that i would probably put myself in a position where i "had" to always make that much money (or more) from there on out.

and then the main thing for me was, how would i ever get back into the entertainment industry if i took a job like this with that kind of money attached to it? how would i ever be in a place where i could walk away from it?

i didn't take the job. i left and ended up getting a job at disney. and i've never regretted it, because i don't make my choices based on dollar signs. and plus i fucking loved working at disney. not the actual job i did, but i really enjoyed the company and the perks that came along with working there (disneyland every weekend for freeeeee anyone??)

i've always been this way.
it's how i'm programmed.
it's how i function.
i work with my heart. i'm not money based. i never have been. i always try to look at the grand scheme of things and not simply the immediate. i look down the road. i envision myself years later and then i plan accordingly.

and i think the biggest part is.... i feel like i really KNOW myself. i know how i'll react to something. i know when i can help myself out and i'll be thanking myself later. i knew that if i took that job, i would eventually regret everything about it- except probably all the nice things i had.

but it wouldn't be enough if i didn't feel internally happy. i knew my heart and soul would be screaming for me to get into something more fulfilling. to get back into the one industry that is so fucked up but i still love it. you see, i have to care about what i do. that's what makes me happy. enjoying where i work, what i work on, and feeling good about my contribution to it. the money doesn't hurt of course, but it's not what truly matters to me.

but i know there are so many other people out there who are the exact opposite. they don't care what they do, or who they work for, they just want the biggest paycheck possible. i don't begrudge them their success.... i just think we're different at our cores. and that's okay...

but i'm curious- which type are you?

speaking of f'ing people

we got royally fucked by our landlord in regards to our initial deposit.

our deposit was close to 1500 dollars and he sent us 499!!!


we lived there for 2 and a half years. he is trying to charge us for prepping the place to paint it, repainting it, carpet cleaning (he said we would be the last tenants on the carpet), a part in the stove plus labor to fix it (it broke while we were living there- he said he wouldn't fix it, so we didn't either), additional cleaning (which he had already called me prior to moving out and said that the place looked perfect), and whatever else he made up.

i am now on a mission. this is complete bullshit. it would be one thing if i didn't clean the place at all, or totally did some half ass job, but i didn't. i fucking busted my ass cleaning that piece of shit place. i cleaned for 6 solid hours one day and then i went there everynight after work for a week and a half. so, if anyone has any helpful links that i can include in the package i am putting together for him in rebuttal to every single thing he is charging us for, i'd appreciate it. and thanks!

mission my ex landlord sucks donkey balls and is a complete prick is on!!!

why ticket brokers should die.

i truly don't understand the ticket world. first of all, how the hell did ticketmaster get the monopoly on selling ALL THINGS tickets? from concerts and sports, to plays and musicals. if you want to buy a ticket to anything, it's through ticketmaster. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? and why do they have no competition?!?!?! someone open a fucking competitor stat! seriously. i mean, ticketmaster can have a $10 dollar service charge, then a $4 dollar printing charge, $2 dollar to scratch my ass charge, etc and so forth and you have no choice because NO ONE ELSE SELLS TICKETS!!!!!! it's weird. and kinda fucked up.

another thing. why the fuck is scalping tickets illegal, but ticket brokers are perfectly legal?!?!? why are there no regulations on ticket brokers? how come it's legal for them to mark up a ticket price by 1000 % and get away with it?? i don't understand it. and why do musicians allow it? i mean, it's not news to anyone that hannah montana concert tickets were virtually bought out by the ticket brokers (which they do for EVERY popular concert and sporting event) and then they mark up the tickets by HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of dollars and attemp to sell them. how come they can do this? is there no way to regulate and put a stop to this? no way to monitor brokers and give them a percentage they can mark up, but cannot go past that?! i just think it's beyond messed up that they do this. it's so greedy and so money motivated, it makes me sick. i feel like hannah montana's camp has to know that her tickets were selling for over 1000 a ticket in most areas. why isn't there outrage? why don't musicians band together to put a stop to ticket brokers? i mean, doesn't it offend them. i'm sure they don't see any of that profit. and i'm sure they wouldn't want their fans to pay 1000 to see them in concert, or they would have made the tickets that much to begin with. know what i mean?

i'm just pissed off. and i want to do something about it. i want to put a stop to brokers and the insane way they do business. it can't be legal, and if it isn't... how come they get away with it? and does anyone have a good way to actually cut down on this type of stuff? i guess with the internet, it makes it way too easy for anyone to get tickets to things. like why doesn't ticketmaster try to fight this kind of thing? i'm sure it's because they don't really care. BUT WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?!?!? why isn't anyone else pissed off? this has to stop. but i don't know how. BUT I WANT TO KNOW HOW.