today we say goodbye to our doggy

when we moved into our new place, we noticed our dog, Tacoma's mouth was filled with blood. we had no idea what was happening until we noticed some huge sore like thing in her mouth. we thought it was just something weird and it would go away.

and we thought it did.  but a few days later, we noticed this big lump like thing on her bottom jaw.

i took her to the vet and he told me that it was a tumor and needed to be removed to find out if it was cancerous or not.

i was shocked. it never even crossed my mind that the thing could be a tumor. i don't know what i thought it was, i just never thought something like that.
so we had the surgery done and the tumor removed. the vet let me know that he thought it was cancer because the tumor had "roots." he told me to keep an eye on her jaw and hopefully it would take months before it grew back and then we'd remove it again.
we hoped for the best.

hoped that the tumor wouldn't grow back anytime soon.

but less than two weeks later, it had reappeared.  and it was larger than the last time.
and everyday since it's reappearance, it's grown in size. we had to make a tough decision. because at the time tacoma was still eating normally and still jumping and running around, wagging her tail.  it's SO freaking hard to decide whether or not to put your dog down when she's acting completely normal!!!!  you know? 

but realizing that the tumor was continuing to grow- and that she was drooling icky puss/blood stuff constantly, bleeding more frequently, the tumor smelled rancid, not to mention the fact that we're going out of town and were really nervous about leaving her in pet care in her situation.... we decided it was best to put her down.  we would hate to be out of town when something happened to her. could you imagine?

since our  decision, she has gone downhill. she is definitely uncomfortable, doesn't feel well and thankfully, she is basically letting us know that we've made the right decision.  and in the right time.

but let me tell you, if you have to put your dog down, waiting any longer than 1 day for your appointment is pure hell. we've known since monday that we were putting her down today. it's been a fucking countdown the entire time.  it's been torturous!  to live knowing "this is the last this" or "this is the last that"....  HORRIBLE. 

it was an awful night last night in our house, and it's going to be an awful evening tonight. it's never easy to lose a friend. and i'm going to miss her so much.  she was a pain in the ass, but she was my pain in the ass.

we love you butts. we'll miss you.  <3
 

i want all his days to be happy

i know it's not realistic.

and it's probably stupid to even think that i want this (because then how will he ever learn anything in life? grow? become determined? learn that life isn't fair and you have to work really hard for the things that you want? get focus? find strength? etc)... but the mom part of me really wants to protect my son from anything that could ever hurt or disappoint him in life.

i know it's dumb.

but really, am i the ONLY parent who's ever wanted to wrap their kid up in emotional bubble wrap that's coated with golden retriever puppies who never poo or pee in the house and always stay little? fine. i might be the only mom who's wanted to do that, exactly. but i'm sure i'm not the only parent who wishes she could spare her kid some pain.

i wonder if part of my want is based on the fact that it really.fucking.hurts when shitty things happen to your kid.

when they get let down, stepped on, treated unfairly or poorly, or when they have to sit by and watch part of a dream walk away- i feel like it hurts me a thousand times worse when it's something that's happening to him, as opposed to when it's something that's happening to me.

does that even make sense?

i guess the bottom line is, i hate to see my son not get the things he works hard to get. it hurts like hell. and i know it's a part of life, but it's a part that never seems to get any easier. matter of fact, it feels like it's only getting harder.

the let down's seem bigger.

the pain feels stronger.

this part was definitely left out of the mommy handbook. people never tell you the good stuff.

you're welcome.




ps- how are all of you parents with MORE than 1 kid, not complete and utter emotional wrecks all the time? you deserve medals. or cupcakes.

the scandal at cooperstown!

first of all, cooperstown (aside from being the home to the baseball hall of fame) is also the home of the cooperstown dreams park. some lucky kids get the opportunity to play baseball there during 13 weeks of tournaments. if you don't play when you're 12, you won't ever get the chance again. the concept is super cool.

SO, if you keep up with my facebook posts then you know that out of 104 teams, we made it to the championship game during the week we were there!

pretty awesome, right?

we definitely thought so.

now here's where things get dicey. and i must mention that the rumor mill runs rampant at that park. i can't even tell you the amount of crazy things i heard that week.

the other "team" that made it into the championship game wasn't even a team before the tournament. they were put together by the man who OWNS cooperstown dreams field. this team had kids from 5 different states on it. our boys were like, "they didn't even know each other's names." apparently, the team was put together so that the owner's grandson could play on a winning team. another thing i heard was that they flew the pitcher in that day to pitch in the championship game. i don't know if that's true or not, but it honestly wouldn't surprise me.

let me side note really quickly with a, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!! your grandson HAS to win, or what? he feels just like the other 103 teams that played there and didn't win?!? what the hell are you teaching that kid? you have a sucky team that won't go very far.. don't worry kid, i'll BUILD one for you, and pay for the team to come there. i mean, what a freaking joke. it's one thing to care about your family, but it's another thing to seriously go overboard with the whole "winning" and "losing" concept. personally, i think that guy is sort of an asshole who needs to learn how to lose. not to mention the fact that he's probably not helping his grandson with any real character building experiences.... aside from having to deal with other kids hating him for being so spoiled. i suppose that builds character somewhere down the line.

now let me just say that teams being built like that- is not this totally crazy, far out concept. teams do it all the time. and if someone called me up and said, "hey jenn, we want to fly blake out to play on this team in florida- and all expenses are paid for." you'd find me hard pressed to say NO. so i get the concept. i understand the idea. and i'm not opposed to it, necessarily.....

but what i do think is...

there is a TIME and a PLACE for teams like that to be playing against one another. but that's the key- multiple teams like that- all sorts of built and put together teams to be playing against each other.

cooperstown dreams park tournament is NOT the time, NOR the place for something like that to happen.

you have to understand that the teams that go to those tournaments, are local little league times... or teams who play travel baseball together all the time. some of the teams are really great. and some aren't so great. but they're all there for the same reason- to play baseball in a really cool environment. to do the thing they enjoy doing. to play with heart. it isn't all about winning. it's about the experience.


so to have the freaking owner build a team to basically CRUSH all the other competetion, was just pathetic. no team that played that team stood a chance. we knew going into the game that there was no way in hell we were going to win. i don't care about that part- what i mean is, we didn't have to win the game, but it sure as hell would have been nice to at least have a GOOD game. there was no hope for a good game against this team of 6 foot 12 year olds, with a pitcher who threw 80 miles an hour.


yes people, 80 miles an hour for a 12 year old is NOT normal. that is crazy fast. the kid was ridiculously talented.


but how was that game fun for anyone? it wasn't fun to watch. it couldn't have been fun to play. not even for the team who crushed everyone. and really, didn't they do exactly what they were put together to do? oooooh, you guys got to the championship game? how shocking. you won the game? ooh, even bigger shocker.


i just think it was a really shitty move. not to mention pathetic.


what happened at that tournament should go against everything that park should be about. and the fact that it was the owner who did it, makes it even more jaw dropping. actually, that's the part that makes me ANGRY. that he knew what he was doing. what he was doing TO 103 other teams. he needs to see that he wasn't doing something great and nice for his grandson, but he was doing something selfish and mean to about 1200 other kids. his "gesture" was at the expense of everyone else there. and it wasn't fair. it wasn't a fair fight. and i just think it's wrong on every level, regardless of us being in the championship or not.

i know i wasn't the only one to feel that way because the ENTIRE stadium that night was rooting against that prebuilt team, and for us. they would have rooted against that team no matter what- everyone was so pissed off about the whole thing.

anyway, the true champions that night were this group of kids. at least in my eyes.

character assassination of a 12 year old

bare with me folks, cause i'm in a state of ridiculous pissed off-ness. and i'm sure this post will make it all the way around this tiny little town i'm currently living in- and to that i say.. GOOD.

i think.

sometimes it sucks being honest and owning up to your words when they are raw, real and authentic. and you have to potentially see the people you are talking about around town. and look them in the eye. and know that they read what you wrote. it's much easier to talk about people you don't know. or people you'll never see in real life. :)

in a nutshell- blake's last year of little league sucked. his coach was less than inspiring and left a lot to be desired. in a role where you should be building confidence and encouraging the small people to be more! awesome! bigger! people! he did the exact opposite with his belittling, yelling and public humiliation during and after games.

if you know anything about the sport of baseball, you know how mental of a game it is. and as a player, you are so fucking caught up in your own head that the last thing you need is your coach pointing out all your flaws and failures. especially at this age when you're still learning what you're capable of handling, what affects you, etc.

cut to our last game of the season when the coach tried to make an example of blake (in return for something blake had said). he yelled at blake in the team meeting, told him that he had no respect for adult coaches and then threatened him with, "you'll pay for that dearly during all- stars."

um... who the hell threatens a 12-year old kid?!?!? and oooooh, you'll pay for that in all stars. really? what the hell kind of threat is that?! little league isn't even real baseball for fucks sake!!!!!!! (and people, do not start emailing me or posting in the comments section about how you disagree and little league is real baseball. i refuse to have this pretend argument. talk to me when the players can lead off and steal like normal people, and when you move the bases and pitching mound back an acceptable amount of feet. see? i'm right. told you. lol)

by the end of the season, blake was beaten down and had simply had enough. continuing to play with this coach was no longer an option. so blake was put in the uncomfortable position of telling his all-star coaches that he did not want to play because of this other coach's involvement.

I APPLAUD blake for standing up for himself.
BLAKE DID THE RIGHT THING (for him).
HE FREAKING RULES, AND YOU SUCK.

i told you i was pissed off.

sometimes i'm unreasonable when i'm angry.

i am a girl.

so, he told the coaches (both of them) that he didn't want to play. one of them convinced him to come to 1 practice, and then decide. blake agreed. after that practice, and then sleeping on it for the night, he decided that he didn't want to continue the unhealthy coaching relationship he had been in for the past 5 months, and he respectfully declined playing.

shortly after his decision, one of the coaches called my home demanding to hear it from blake personally. so blake got on the phone and told the guy he didn't want to play. and he didn't want to play "because of coach so and so" and that he "didn't want to be on the same field as him" any longer.

end of story.

i mean, that is where the story should have ended, right?

because he got chosen for all-stars. he said no. we all move the fuck on, right? clearly, we do not move.the.fuck.on.

so now... from what i'm hearing... things are being said about my son. people are saying that blake isn't playing because he wasn't having fun on the field. or because he has conflicts with his travel baseball team. or because he's a baby. and they're saying blake quit all-stars, when the truth was that he never wanted to play in the first place. they are saying all sorts of things about him and why he's not playing, but nothing they are saying is the truth.

i am angry that adults are spreading, fueling and encouraging misinformation about my son- all for the sake of not admitting, or owning up to the real reason why he doesn't want to play. other coaches (who damn well know better) are blatantly lying when asked by other adults as to why blake isn't playing.

when the real reason is perfectly logical. perfectly acceptable. and should be respected. hell, it should be freaking honored with a medal. or a brownie at the very least.

listen, i understand that it isn't everyone's business as to why blake chose to leave. (although now it is, since i've taken it to the world wide internets!!!) but if people were simply trying to be "pc" or handle the situation a certain way, they should have said that they weren't sure why blake wasn't playing, instead of making up a pretend answer and having that answer reflect upon him.

which puts him in a weird position when his friends say things like, "i heard you weren't playing all-stars because of travel baseball." to which blake is like, "huh? that's not true. who told you that?" and then he's confused and doesn't understand why people are not only talking about this and making it a huge deal, but why they would say something about him that wasn't true in the first place.

MY SON HAD THE BALLS TO STAND UP AND REMOVE HIMSELF FROM A SHITTY SITUATION.

MY SON SAID ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND CHOSE NOT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

the real issue here is that coach.

not my son.

and the sickest part of all of this- is that those people who know the truth, yet are choosing to lie when asked... they are supporting the coach who sucks at coaching, instead of supporting the kid who has an extremely valid point. they are throwing a 12-year old under the bus.

for what?

for who?

a coach who triggers more harsh feelings from parents and players than any coach i've ever known?

why aren't we defending the kid who was put in the position of making an adult decision? why aren't we standing by him, telling him we believe in him, learning from this and teaching others from it?

blake did the right thing.

and it's even clearer to me now how rare that quality truly is in people anymore.

today he turned 13

and so today... i am officially the mother of a teenager. a TEENAGER people.

in all of his 13 years so far, he has been such a rad kid.

he has a huge, kind heart.
he is a great baseball player.
he's a really good person.

i am proud of him every single day. i love being around him because he's fun, funny and we laugh all the time. we sing terrible songs together. i don't embarass him (yet).

my little man rules.

but is it all about to change? cause i mean, TEENAGER, people. is it all downhill from here? will i start hearing things like "i hate you?" and things like that?!

i don't know, but until i find it out- i'll take the fact that he still claims me in public. and is willing to take pictures with me. :)

when self defense isn't okay

during the school year this year there were issues between blake and one particular boy. these issues would crop up over and over again.

blake is in 7th grade. or he was. i guess he's officially an 8th grader now? scary.

anyway, this boy felt that it was okay to slap blake in the face on numerous occassions. now i wasn't there, so i have no idea how hard the slap was, or what it was like- all i know is what blake told me. and i assume that the kid probably did like a light smack to his cheek or something. but he did it more than once. he did it far more than a handful of times. and the vice principal of the school was aware this was happening.

well blake didn't like it. i'm sure you're shocked. no really, come slap me in the face... i enjoy you violating my personal space and touching me uninvited.

so near the last day of school, the boy slapped blake again (for seriously probably the 20th fucking time). blake turned and shoved the living shit out of the kid.

i'm not sure how this got to the principals office, but all i know is what came home to me from my son.

blake came home and told me that the assistant principal of his junior high school told him that:

"SELF DEFENSE IS NOT OKAY AT SCHOOL."


i'm just going to sit here for a minute and let you read that line again.




and again.



and then one more time.




self defense is not okay at school.



ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!?


hold on, because now i'm all pissed off and riled up again.


*BREATHES*


okay, look. i understand that a school environment probably isn't allowed to support any type of "violence." i get it. i also get that they have zero tolerance on things. i truly do get that there needs to be rules and safety, etc. i understand that school needs to be a safe enviornment for our kids- I WANT A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR MY KID.

but you're telling me that if someone is sitting there getting the living shit beat out of them... they have to just take it?

they can't defend themselves and punch back.. or kick... or shove.. or do something to stop it?

they just have to sit there and get hit over and over again until that person decides they're done hitting them?

what the fuck, man?! you cannot teach our children that they cannot defend themselves!!!!! moreso, you can't tell them that it "ISN'T OKAY" to defend themselves. and i'm sorry, but i don't consider allowing someone to get hit (and not fight back) a safe environment.

our society has gotten so screwed up somewhere along the way. because how else has DEFENDING your self, become not okay?

if blake defends himself, he'll get suspended. why is my kid getting in trouble for not allowing someone to violate him? when did it become wrong to hit someone back who hit you first? we can't tell everyone to "turn the other cheek" all the time. we can't raise an entire generation of our boys to be giant PUSSIES. cause that's what we're doing.

we're constantly telling them to "walk away..."
"don't fight back.."
"turn the other cheek..."
"find an adult or someone who can help at all costs..."

i just really, really, really, think that mentality is wrong. a

nd if that kid slaps blake again next year, i hope he punches him in the fucking jaw. because maybe then, that kid will stop putting his hands on my son's face.

and when blake gets suspended for DEFENDING himself at school. i'll take his ass out for ice cream or something. because he won't be in trouble at home.

pretty pictures

cause it's been far too long since i've posted some of the cool pics i've been taking... and cupcakes i've been baking. and i'm so sick of everything on my blog being like.. wah, my house. wah, bank of america sucks donkey dick....

who cares?!

my blog depressed even me.. AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED!!! lol

there was a classic car show the other weekend and i went alone.. wandered around and took some pics just for fun. it was kinda cool! :)this is the car from the movie peggy sue got married!







and i'm super proud of the next cupcakes. my gf wanted some tiffany blue cupcakes for a birthday, and not only did i get the tiffany blue RIGHT ON.. but this was the first time i'd even attempted to make fondant bows. :)



aren't they cute?

and the boy and i bought new sunglasses the other day. this are our "look mean" faces. clearly, he does the mean face far better than i do.

when doorbell ditching goes wrong..

so last night we went to a party. while the parents were in the backyard by the fire pit, drinking, socializing, taking pictures with my phone (ha) etc.... the kids were all out front playing baseball until it got too dark to see the ball and then they started doing what kids do...


ding dong ditching.


sounds harmless, right? but as i walked outside to grab blake to leave... i saw all the kids down by this one house. it was clear to me that they were trying to tell blake to go up to the door, but i yelled blake's name and told him it was time to go.. NOW. he started to walk over to me, but then stopped as one of his friends ran to the door, knocked.. and then ran.


immediately the guy's garage door opened and out he came in his robe. the kids all ran and hid behind a car. the man shouted down the street to the hiding kids to leave him alone. to knock it off or he would call the cops.


and the kids started saying things like, "he's arab.. don't make him mad, or he'll bomb us." and "what? i can't understand you. speak english!!!" and then one of them made some arabic sounding yell/chant.


that set me off. i told those kids that those comments were racist and those remarks were uncalled for and completely not okay. i told them that they were intolerant and harrassing someone was bullshit. blake didn't say a word, BUT he was with a group of boys who all laughed when those words were spoken. no one said a thing about how those words were fucked up... or wrong... or NOT cool...


they just laughed.


"he's an arab" they said. as if that makes it okay to ding dong ditch the guy numerous times throughout the night.


so before i let blake get in the car, i made him go over to the man's house and apologize. and he did, without complaint, hesitation, or reservations. he ran over to the man's garage and told him that he was with the group of kids who kept doorbell ditching and then he apologized. the man was mad. he told blake that this wasn't the first time that this had happened to him. that the kids harass him all the time and he would please like it to stop. he thanked blake for apologizing, but he was clearly not happy.


blake and i walked away and he was visibly upset with tears in his eyes.


i was glad. at that moment, i knew i did the right thing. making him walk over there and apologize for simply being a PART of something..... and then having him hear how upset the man was.... for me, it was the right thing to have my son do.


so when blake and i walked past all of his other friends, i looked at them and said, "aren't you glad i'm not your mom?" to which they all shouted "YES" in unison.


blake didn't think they did anything wrong. at least when it came to the constant doorbell ditching of this guy. and i told him that they were doing it repeatedly to that one person BECAUSE of his nationality. and that it was NOT okay to pick on someone because of what they look like, or how their voice sounds when they speak.


i talked to him about peer pressure and about being the person who stands idly by while your friends do fucked up things (clearly, not in those words). and how even if you're not the one doing the action... or not the person saying the words... you're just as guilty when you stand by and allow it to happen. especially when it's wrong.


i realize that blake is young and he's still learning.. and there is a lot more peer pressure coming his way in life. it's just that i don't want to teach him intolerance. i don't want to teach him to hate. and i want him to know that when his friends do stupid shit (cause they ALL will) that he doesn't have to be a part of it.


so now i'm clearly thinking and affected by what should have been an innocent game of doorbell ditch- i'm horrified at our children.


horrified and wondering if we're raising our kids to be intolerant? are we raising them to hate arabs? i mean, sure.. we're all happy that we finally got osama bin laden... but in our happiness to rid our country of terrorists, are we teaching our kids to think that all arabs are potential enemies? do we speak words of hate so flippantly around them that they don't know the difference anymore?


it just made me think about the whole generation of kids who were barely even old enough to remember what happened on 9/11.... but still harbor all of the hatred and anger in regards to it as if they were standing there the day the towers fell. they are still too young to truly understand everything that happened, yet they clearly have opinions on the subject.


i'm scared that we're raising our kids to hate and be intolerant of one another. to cheer and think it's okay to harrass a neighbor simply based on his ethnicity. to make comments like he might bomb you if you make him mad enough. to think that comments like those are FUNNY.


it's not really that different than how people treated blacks at one point in time? but haven't we learned from all of that? i mean, aren't we horrified as a people now, when we look back at how we treated them then? don't those stories make us sick to our stomach to even think about? don't we shake our heads wondering just how the heck anyone ever thought that kind of behavior was okay? don't we want to be better than we once were?

i always thought so.

or maybe i've just always hoped so.

is my kid the only one

who comes home from school as if he hasn't eaten all day?

i mean, i remember coming home from school and wanting a snack... needing like a bite of something to eat.  but the boy? he gets home and wants a full freaking meal!  I mean, he wants dinner.... and then dinner again later.  i'm not kidding. 

the first thing out of his mouth after he literally BLASTS through the front door and YELLS either "hi mom" or "hi ster" is always..... "i'm starving, what can i have?"

if course he hates everything we have in the house, even if HE picked it!  but when he does find food he wants, it seriously is like a complete replica of what i packed him for lunch. whyyyyyyyy is he so hungry?

what the heck?  are your kids this hungry after school?  what do you feed the monsters?

the last of the road trip

going home is always awesome. it did kind of suck that the weather was completely craptastic. i mean, i get enough crappy weather living up here. so now that we're gone of course.. it's supposed to be 80 degrees all week.

here are the last of the super fun pics we took, and things we did. i love being home. i can't put it into words, but those of you who truly know me, know how it feels for me to be where i belong. i won't sugar coat that fact anymore.

a necessary visit everytime i go home. miss you friend.

customer appreciation day means GINORMOUS SUNDAE TIME!!!!

and snow on the grapevine! and silly pictures of ourselves during our long ass drive! we love being together.. me and the boy have loads of fun. :)

today was filled with DISNEY!

of the land and the adventure kind!!!! :)

because i live dangerously (and risk potentially losing my phone.. clearly i am CRAZY!!!!) this is me and my brother DURING big thunder mountain railroads ride. HAHAHAH


we.love.pretzels!!! of the mickey mouse kind.



cindy (@californiaboys) came to see me! YAY!!! she was gorgeous and awesome and wonderful! :) but it was awesome because i was texting her once she said she was IN THE PARK!!!! and i was like "awesome! i'm wearing bright ass yellow!!!" to which she responds with something like "cool." and i was dying... like well what the hell are you wearing?!?! so i ask her. she responds with, "black." LOL this was going to be hard.
this is us without our sunglasses on...

and then with, for the papparazzi.. you know how it is. (right dan?)


me and my brother (did i mention that he awesomely drove out last minute from vegas to do disney with us! rad!!!)


a horse. i love horsies. this is his butt. ha


last, but not least.. me and the boy

road tripping part 2

today was filled with awesomeness! in the form of the warner bros lot(s)!!!! i freaking love being home. i love being in so cal. i love being where movies happen.. tv shows happen.. talk shows happen.. life happens!!!! i love the entertainment industry, and in all honesty... i think i've forgotten just HOW much. i think i try to constantly tell myself i'm okay and it's fine that i'm not working in it currently... and that i'm not in la working is perfectly fine.

as.mother.f'n.if.

thanks for the reminder.

warner bros is my most favorite lot out of all the movie lots... i just think it's the most awesome and fun and lively. :) (paramount, you own me in the old school charm category)

here's a subway station replica... bye blake!


if you watch pretty little liars, you might recognize the next couple of pictures






the friends fountain!


my new house


come on in!


sets are fun! so is my life. :)

oh yeah.. stage #26 at warner bros.. well,look closely at the last thing filmed in the tv section. DUR. WINNING!

road trippin

the boy and i are road trippin this week! so i'm taking y'all along... sorry if this is a repeat for any of you. HA! :)

LOVE any sign that says LOS ANGELES and SOUTH on it! that's where we're heading!


and clearly, it makes us both extremely happy!


but the boy is easily bored.. even when we take an entire new way home with all sorts of things to see- he'd still rather look at the birds of anger.


when we got our first glimpse of the ocean, i made blake roll down the window in the pouring rain and try to take a good pic. yeah. this is what we got instead. it'll have to do.


after stopping to visit my gf meg (waiting on a pic from her. she's slow. she's meg)

we stopped for pea soup (why does everyone hate on pea soup?! it's good fuckers)... i used to come here as a kid on our way to solvang! it was tradition.. and now i made blake do it too. i love forcing my childhood traditions on my child! it's good to be the parent.



more to come!!!!!

heartbreak & why being a mom totally sucks

so my son has his first real heartbreak. and i know that he's only 12, and 12 is too young to have a hurt heart... but he has one... and dammit, it's freaking sad.

i hurt for him, because he's hurting. i see that he's sad and doesn't understand what he did "wrong." and i try to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong. that sometimes girls want certain things from their boyfriends, but they don't tell them any of it, until it's too late. i think he just wishes she would have told him what she wanted before just breaking up with him.

but all that aside... can i just say that being a mom totally freaking sucks?! i mean, he's 12. he got dumped. big deal, right? but he's hurt... and he's sad... and THAT MAKES ME HURT FOR HIM!!! and i was sitting there last night, with my heart in pain for my little boy... thinking, how can i hurt this much for him already?! what the hell is going to happen when he has a real girlfriend and really gets his heart broke? how the hell will i live through that?

it sucks so much to see your kid hurting. all you want to do is just swoop inside there and fix the little crack in his heart. i know it's a part of life, and in all honesty.... hurting for love is the best kind of hurt there is... because you learn so much from it. but it's also the most painful. and i just hate that he's in pain.

i hate the way it makes me feel. in pain and helpless. powerless to make it better. knowing that all it will take is time (hopefully he'll be better by today! he is 12 lol) but still, how do all you moms do it? how do you live through the heartache of your kids?

ALRIGHT!

i love this template! it's too cute and i think i'm all set with something different. i've never had a template like this before, so it weirds me out everytime i look at it.... but i think it will grow on me! :) it's just weird having a cartoon character supposed to be me. you know? so not my style. unless you know, it really IS me. ha

leaving for AZ tomorrow! anyone going to the pheonix open? apparently, we are. ha. pics to come! until then, here are some pics i've been taking lately (and some cupcakes i've been baking lately)... and blake pitching! and some pics i took for a local business and their website! :)

guns.

i am certain i've talked about this before. but it's been awhile. it's time to bring it up again...

do you ask the parents of your children's friends if they own guns? i mean, if your child is going to spend time at someone's house, do you ask?

because i haven't been asking. because i STUPIDLY assume that people don't freaking have guns in their homes. and i also STUPIDLY assume that if they do, they're locked up.

but that isn't always the case. and sometimes, you learn that there are guns in the homes of the people your child spends time with. and also, that those guns aren't locked up. and that the kids who live in the home, know where the guns are, and know how to get them.

i just have to say that i am so thankful to have such an honest, good hearted, smart, rational child. and i'm even more thankful that when a potential deadly situation presented itself in his presence, he had the frame of mind to walk away and tell an adult.

i know we always tell our kids to do just that in those kinds of situations, but i honestly think it's harder to do than we realize. you have to go against what your friends are doing, and "rat" them out. and while i can sit here and say i'd rather blake be a rat, than have a friend dead from a gunshot wound.... it's easy for me to say that because i'm an adult.

i will admit that i don't know the entire story of the guns in the home. maybe they are unloaded. maybe they have trigger locks. what i do know is that they are in a place where kids can get to them. and show them to their friends. and that makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

you?

it gets better.. right?

there has been a lot of talk lately about bullying... specifically about the bullying of gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual kids in high school (and college) that eventually led to suicide, or attempted suicide.

it's awful to think that we are a society who are raising our children to hate other people simply because of who they are. it takes me back to being on the plane this past summer when i was flying back from new york. you all remember the boy scout that i told the importance of kissing well too, right? well what i didn't mention was the conversation(s) we had about gay people (it was relevant and he brought he up). and how he was vehemently against any person being gay. and how he said he'd never be friends with someone who was gay. and how he would know they were gay just by looking at them. i tried to explain to him that it didn't work like that. i tried to tell him that maybe one of his best friends right now was gay. and would he hate that person if he found out down the road that he was? his mind couldn't open enough to even comprehend that possibility. the concept was so "california" of me to even suggest to him. because of course, him being 15 years old, he knew everything and if one of his best friends was gay, he'd certainly know because he'd do something predictable like "talk funny" or "hit on" him constantly. i tried so hard to tell this boy that gay people were in fact, PEOPLE just like he and i were. i wasn't trying to change the entire way he was raised, i just wanted him to see past the prejudice a little and maybe, just maybe, have a small part of him accept that it would be okay if he was friends with someone who was gay.

no dice.

wasn't going to happen. but i tried. i was heartbroken many times during that flight when i spoke to that boy. i don't blame him for how he was raised. and i know that it has a lot to do with his parenting, his community, and his surroundings. i guess it's just so sad to me because i have a 12 year old son that i'm not raising that way at all. and i would hope that if he sat next to some stranger on a plane and that person talked to him about gay people, that he would respond with kindness and an open mind and heart. i can do my part by starting at home with my own son. and do my best to raise him to not judge anyone until you know enough about them to make a judgement. i don't care if he doesn't like someone, but he needs to have a reason for it. blake came home from school not too long ago and told me that he got into it with some older kids because they were picking on a kid with disabilities. he jumped in and shoved the older kids and told them to leave the kid alone.

he made me proud. because he did what was right. and he had the courage to not just watch it happen.... he had the courage to make it STOP. yeah, i think i'm doing okay when it comes to him.

i watched that show on MTV the other day called "if you really knew me"... and it was all about high school kids judging other kids based on how they look or dress. and this one girl was bullied so viciously that she wanted to stop coming to school. and she was only a freshman. i look back at my high school years and i don't remember ever feeling that way. it made me sad for her that she couldn't see past the people yelling at her and calling her names. that she couldn't see that she wasn't the names she was being called. she was better than that. but it's hard to not let things like that affect you. especially when you're that age and what people think of you means the world to your self esteem. it made me sick that the other girls calling her names, got off on making her cry. they loved the power and control they had. they enjoyed watching her crumble publicly. why is that?

and then apparently, when the school administrators are made aware that bullying is going on- many parents say the same thing- "the administrators say it's just normal teenage name calling and it will blow over." does that excuse fly when your child was bullied to the point
of killing themselves?

we have to remember that these kids are just that- they are still kids. they can't see past what is currently going on in their insecure, all about them, minute by minute bubble of a world. they can't see that tomorrow might get better. they can only see and think that tomorrow will be just the same as it was today. or maybe worse. they don't tend to see things as glass half full. it's glass half empty all the way. and the thought of things EVER getting better, when you have 3 more years of high school torturing to go??? i'm sure just the thought of 3 more years of trying to get through something seems impossible to them. they think they'll never be able to handle it. they can't project to a time when they are grown up, and working, and loving whoever they want to love, and they are surrounded be people who love and accept them. they can't get that far!!!

the administrators need to get involved. they HAVE to stop the bullying. it's not okay to make other people want to stop coming to school. or want to end their life. we can't just sit by and watch this happen to our youth.

i don't have the answers, but like i said... i'm starting at home. with my son... and his friends. whenever the opportunity arises for me to say something that will influence them positively and lovingly, i do it.

it's not that bullying or judging will ever go away completely. hell, even as adults we judge each other. right or wrong, we all have different opinions and thoughts....

it's just that school should be a safe place for our children to go- NO matter who they are. they should have a place that is safe and protected where adults are on their side. and the problem is, that's not what school feels like for those people at all.

it's hell. and they HAVE to go.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0OeSs870ys&feature=player_embedded

what was lost

... is still lost.

it's funny how things work out. or how things happen. we got a last minute call on saturday asking if blake could play up (on the older travel ball team) for a game that was almost 2 hours away. we pretty much dropped what we were doing.. (which was nothing) and headed out.

blake played great and hit the crap out of the ball, but that's so not the point of this post. after the game was over, we sat in the snack bar and blake ate some pizza. we got up to leave and he completely forgot his baseball bag. i didn't notice he didn't have it either...

until we got home.

i told him not to leave his bag in the car. and then he looked at me and said it wasn't in the car. i told him to think about if he remembered grabbing it from the snack bar or not. he said he didn't.

so his bag, with his baseball jacket and about 3 or so gloves in it... was left at the ballfield. a tournament ballfield, where everyone is there for the same reason. to play baseball.

but no one has turned the bag in yet.

and i'm shocked because it's not like he left it in a public park or something. he left it in a baseball stadium, where you have to pay to get in, and where everyone there is playing in games. they already have baseball equipment! so i don't understand where the bag went.

and everyone keeps telling me that i'm a complete idiot because "of course" someone stole it, but my mind... or maybe it's my heart... it won't let me go there. i keep thinking that maybe a coach grabbed it thinking it was one of his kids bags, and now he's stuck with it, because it isn't one of his kids bags. or maybe a parent grabbed it on accident. everything in my mind is an accident. i would never think that someone would blatantly steal a child's property. who wants to rob a kid of his glove??? and his bag??? who does that?

i know, i know, i'm naive.. or stupid.. or think too highly of people.

i just think it sucks. i'm really hoping that it still turns up. because i would never take a bag i saw lying on a chair at the tournament. i would assume the kid was still around... or that he forgot it and he'll be back to look for it right where he left it. i wouldn't take it. if anything, i'd turn it into lost & found, but in all honesty, i most likely wouldn't touch it at all.

it makes me really sad to think that someone might have stolen it purposely. but i'll hold out hope, until it all runs out, that it will still show up. because i believe in the goodness of people..

it's a good thing i don't have a job

because my social life is through the roof right now. ha

the other weekend my sister came to visit us and it was the first real visit, with actual time spent here since we moved in two and a half years ago. we had so.much.fun!!! i love my sister.. she is awesome! we worked out together.. ate frozen yogurt.. complained about the weather (sorry boyfriend).. ate delicious cheese and honey... and we went out dancing!!!! which was my favorite part definitely. we danced our asses off for over 3 hours. I LIVE FOR THAT!!!! plus, it was just so fun because my sister was married when i was like 13, so this was the first time i've been out with her while she's been single and stuff. which may sound terrible, but it just made it more fun.

this is us right before we headed out for the night.



i know, we look like a couple of fucking jolly rancher candies. suck it.

then last weekend we headed to reno for blake's baseball tournament with my famous bomber babes. which was amazing because i was there with these hot bitches.



and my super hot boyfriend

we did things like hang out at the pool... and drink.. and swim..

and we played beach volleyball!!!

and then we had to evacuate the pool area immediately because of the crazy ass lightning and thunder storms in the area. which was awesome cause i never get to see lightning.. and well, it was still hot as hell outside so who cares what the weather is doing if it's still hot out?! ha

that weekend was amazing. my mom and her super nice boyfriend (should he be a manfriend if he's a grown up and not really a boy?) was there to watch blake play baseball for the first time ever!!!!

my sister came too!!! which was awesome cause she hasn't seen him play ball since we moved from so cal 5 years ago.

and my gf cat who lives in the area showed up too!!!!

blake was so excited to have them come watch him play. blake loves having fans. :) my mom and sister got to see him pitch almost a full game and my mom and my gf cat were there when he hit a homerun!!!

can we just pause for a moment though and mention the fact that i am a complete and total idiot because i forgot to take any pictures of blake and my mom together?!?! who does that?!?!?

anyway... i leave for new york on saturday for almost a week. i got my wish to getaway and visit my gf's!! it's at a cost though- i mean, i must really love my girlfriends if i'm going to fly across the damn country on the big bus in the sky. i hate flying southwest from burbank to oakland, i can't believe i'm flying on it from here to new york. good lord. pray for me. it's going to take me 10 hours to get there. but you know what? it's totally worth it. because the flight was free. and because i get to see some of my closest friends. and i get to go to new york. I LOVE VISITING NEW YORK!!!!!!!!! i super love parts of my life a whole heck of a lot. yay for seeing these crazy ladies who i haven't seen since we took blake to new york in 2008!!!


i come back from new york on thursday afternoon and my girlfriend cat (from above) will be at my house the next day. and then becks will be at my house the following day. and once they all abandon me on tuesday, it will almost be time for blake to start junior high/middle school!!!! which is super exciting and super scary. i think it's more scary. eeeeeek. and once blake starts school, i feel like i am going to have to get super serious about finding a job. not that i haven't been super serious, but maybe i'll start applying at places i don't really want to work at?? which means maybe i'll apply at taco bell or something. which would suck. i don't know. doesn't this type of stuff work itself out?!

it has been great to have a summer with the boy.. although i feel like all i've done is bitch about the money i don't have and the things we can't do. but it's better than no summer with him at all.