My heart

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If you were to take my heart out of my chest and hold it to your ear, you would not hear the sound of coins jingling around the sides. Nor would you hear the crumpled sound of paper dollar bills brushing up against the edges.

No.

If you held my heart up to your ear, you would hear the sound of my Love, my Joy, my Pain, my Heartache, my Heartbreak, my Success, my Failure, my Triumphs, my Laughter, my Tears, my Hurt, my Losses, my Past, my Future, my Words, my Hopes, my Dreams...

My heart is missing pieces of itself that I've lost along the way. Some i've given freely. Some i've wanted back. But it's my heart, my journey and I wouldn't change a thing.

Every story I write is a piece of myself that I choose to share with anyone who chooses to read it.  I write FROM the heart, WITH my heart.

It's just who I am.

And dear readers, I can promise you this:  I will never write for the money. I wouldn't even know where to start. 

<3

I love and appreciate it every single one of you. Thank you for being the raddest freaking readers on earth.  :)

i JUST got an iphone. suck it

i don't wanna hear your crap about how late i am to the game and how could i ONLY be getting an iphone now... just hear me out.

it's pissing me off. see, i had an android for the last 2 years- and you know what, i like the android platform A LOT. you can download a ton of things so that your phone will look the way you want it. i really liked the customization of the android.

but this phone? this freaking apple (aka, we own you) phone? sure, i can customize it- as long as it's under THEIR guidelines. which sucks. i don't like the way it looks. it irritates me.

i want a clock widget. not a clock wallpaper. a widget. that just lives on the top of my main home screen. like my old phone.



why is that so hard? why doesn't apple have a freaking widget that you can download and put on your phone? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

also- i want a freaking calendar that looks like my old one. i want to see what i have coming up. but NO. stupid apple doesn't have that either.

these stupid phones have been around for years- you mean to tell me that NO ONE wants the simple things that i do????

and please don't get me started on the whole non ability to lock individual apps/folders. in android, you could lock your contacts seperate from your phone. you could lock your email. you could lock your text messages. you could lock whatever you CHOSE to lock- because it's YOUR phone.

i am completely security paranoid and want my contacts locked. i want my emails locked. i want my settings locked. but i can only lock my phone. which is stupid.

anyone "jailbreak" their iphone? does it screw it all up? should i do it? lol should i take the phone back?

i'm seriously about to lose my mind. i sort of heart the android system.

but on a positive note- facetime totally rules!!!!!

pillow talk

no really, i need to talk about pillows.

i swear we've had this conversation before- but it was probably 5 years ago.

people, i'm freaking dying at night. i don't want to go to bed because i know how uncomfortable i'll be. my pillow- IT HURTS MY HEAD AND MY NECK. i have a tempurpedic mattress topper, and i have 2 pretty expensive pillows to choose from.

they both suck.

they both hurt.

i wake up with splitting headaches i can't cure. literally.

i sleep on my back and my side.

HELP ME! do you sleep on your back or your side? lol what pillow do you use? do you love it? have you ever had pillow issues and you had to get a new pillow because your head hurt every morning????

for reals people- this is a huge problem. if i can't sleep throughout the night and then wake up in pain all day- well, i'm going to be a really miserable person to live with at some point. lol

suggestions?

For the love

I'm sort of sick of talking about my book. LOL Is that weird? Probably. I'm usually pretty weird.

I went to shopping today and bought a new pair of jeans. I swear the only jeans that work on my body are the Long & Lean's from GAP. And while I love them... I always end up ripping them. You know, right when they're at that perfect point of worn-in-ness and you're totally in love with them everytime you put them on. Yeah. That's when they rip. Huge, gaping rips. So I had to get some new ones. And I'm sitting here in my living room, trying to do like yoga stretches and bends so that these freaking things will stop suffocating me and S-T-R-E-T-C-H out. Don't laugh- new jeans are super tight at first! Then they stretch all willy nilly and fit perf. :)

I look forward to stupid things. Like tonight, I know we're going out to dinner at a Mexican place and all I can think about is the fact that I get to eat salty chips & salsa later.

Seriously. I'm drooling right now just thinking about it.

Clearly, I have issues. This shouldn't be news. lol

My head hurts. Sometimes I wonder what's going on inside my head- like, do little people live in there with hammers and stuff and they just chip away at things? I think they must. Cause that's what it feels like sometimes.

Speaking of my head- I read a book the other day called The Mind Readers by Lori Brighton. Holy crap, it was FANTASTIC!!! I totally loved this book so much. The concept was awesome- about a girl who can read minds, but was raised not to ever tell anyone because "people" are out to get her, and those like her. So she's always kept it to herself... until this guy comes to school who can do the same thing. There's WAY more to the story than just that, but anyway. It was awesome. I can't wait for the second book to come out. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. :)

Alright. i'm off to play with my doggies. And kiss my puppy (not a puppy) on his smooshy, fat, face. I can't get enough of that face. I mean really, could you? i <3 him!!!!



Have a great weekend everyone! I'll think of you while i'm stuffing my face with chips & salsa later! lol

public service announcement regarding MY cell phone

dear world,

just because i choose to own a cell phone, does not mean that i am obligated to be at your beckon call.

my owning a cell phone does mean that i must answer it when you decide to call me. it also does not mean that i am required to respond to any text message, voice mail, or missed call within YOUR allotted time frame.

it is my cell phone.

it is my life.

it is my personal time.

it is my choice.

just because i can be reached, does not mean that i want to be.

and that my friends, is my mother fucking prerogative.

if i don't feel like answering the phone, i won't. if i don't see your text in the amount of time that you wanted me too, sucks for you.

my phone is not attached to my hip. i often leave it in rooms where i'm not. it's upstairs, i'm down. it's in the kitchen and i'm nowhere near the kitchen.

ooooh, how dare i.

the thing is... while there are many things i love about cell phones, there are a few that i don't. and it's mostly the fact that everyone thinks you should be reachable and available at all times... in their time frame... on their schedule.

but you know what? if you're one of those people- that's your problem.

no one is obligated to be available to anyone at all times. unless they choose to be. (or unless they work for you, you pay for their cell phone and have made it clear that they are your bitch.) but other than that- it's time for a reality check.

i don't give a shit that you can call me when you want, text me when you decide to, or want answers the exact moment you send me a question.

sometimes, i don't want to talk on the phone. sometimes, i don't want to deal with text messages. sometimes, i'm not even thinking about my cell phone (ooooh, the horror). when the most important people in my life are sitting next to me on the couch, i may not care whose calling my cell.

and that's my choice. because owning a cell phone does mean that i'm required to give you anymore of my time if i don't want too.

it's just weird how much we expect of others... especially when i can remember a time when there were no such thing as cell phones. there were .10 cent pay phones. and people called your house- and you didn't know who was calling. and when you weren't home, they left messages on your answering machine... the machine that recorded them with cassette tapes. tapes. and all of those people who had to wait however long it took for you to get home listen to their message and then call them back when you choose too- they all lived.

and you will too.

i won't apologize for not being at your beckon call.

i may not answer when you call (and if you call from a PRIVATE number, you can rest assured that 100% of the time, i will not answer), i may not respond to your text for hours, i may not listen to your voice mail for days (haven't we established how much i hate voice mails already?).

that's just the way i choose to be when it comes to my cell. speaking of, i better go find it. no clue where it is. ha

dear facebook - aka the place that can't leave well enough alone

please dear god, for the love of all that is holy and right with this world,

STOP FUCKING WITH MY PROFILE PAGE!!!!!!

i sincerely do not understand why that concept is so fucking difficult for you to grasp? why do you INSIST on changing our pages every 6 months? i freaking LOATHE it, every.single.time.

but this time? it's the worst. the banner and what-not is sort of cute- totally liveable, but the rest of it? confusing as all hell. makes no sense. why is everything all over the place in little myspace boxes? but it's not even different information. it's just status updates everywhere. it's freaking stupid, mark fuckerface.

if i could close my account and still be able to maintain my "fan" pages, i would. because you make me HATE facebook. you make it suck. and i don't understand why you can't just leave well enough alone?

also, since you clearly have a problem sitting still... or you constantly have a "let's redesign everyone's profile pages.. again! and then let's do it again tomorrow! oh, this is so much fun!" hair up your ass.... can you at least make the update OPTIONAL?

so if people love the new pages layout and look- they can choose to display their page that way? and for those of us (the smarter bunch) who know how messy and stupid it looks, can keep our pages the way we like?

i hate you.

you're like some sort of lunatic who gives people no choice. you probably get off on the control.

well knock it off, fuckerbitch. you're pissing me off.

but i'm sure you'll do it again in 6 months.

gray hair? REALLY???

shut.
the.
front.
door.

y'all?

is this thing on? *tap tap*

cause um... not only did i find a gray hair last night in my beautiful luscious golden locks... that mother fucker had friends.

LOTS.
OF.
FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

i am WAY too young, and FAR TOO immature to have gray hair.

so imagine how much i freaked out last night when i saw the first unruly little fucker sprouting out of my head. it literally became GRAY HAIR WATCH TWENTY ELEVEN up in my bathroom.

i think i seriously spent about an hour searching for all those stupid things and then yanking them out.

they were easy to find though. wanna know why?

CAUSE THEY ARE UNRULY!!!!!

they are all weird, and curly and don't lay right! not to mention the fact that they reflect the light ALL WRONG! they don't glow with golden prettiness- they are dull and brassy.

why can't they grow out in colors like dark blue, purple or pink or something? i would love that! random little bright hairs scattered throughout! FUN!

but nooooooo. they're gray.

GRAY!

i have gray hairs! that grow! out of my head!

why is this happening to me?!?!? can i make it stop? can i will it away? act more immature? start wearing diapers? WHAT CAN I DO???

i am too cute for gray. i am too happy for gray. i am too fun for gray. i refuse!! help me.

No Sal, You're The Best- Repost

I AM REPOSTING THIS FOR THE 10 YEAR "ANNIVERSARY" OF THE TERRORIST ATTACKS ON OUR GREAT COUNTRY. THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON 9/11/2006...


it's been 5 years since the attacks on the World Trade Center. 5 years. September 11th has affected me in too many ways to count. too many ways to truly even begin expressing in writing, words, or otherwise. i'll try to sum it up by saying it's something that is never very far from my mind. i will never forget how i felt that morning. my drive to work.. blinding myself with tears that wouldn't stop falling. i specifically remember looking to my right at the car passing me and him just looking at me, with total concern in his eyes. and then sitting at work glued to the television, wondering what the fuck i was doing there. the pain. the horror. the emotions. everything about that day comes screaming back to me in an instant if i let it.

i know people are tired of reliving this day. they want to move on. but what about those who lives were forever changed, more than yours or mine was? how do you balance moving on, with remembering? and when do you get to the point that watching a special about 9/11, or seeing pictures, or hearing voices of the now dead- doesn't bring you to tears? when does it become something you can talk about without having an emotional breakdown? does it ever? they say that time heals, and in my life i've always found that to be true... until now. because to me, 9/11/2001 is just as real today, as it was then. i'm having trouble putting it into the past. it's like there's this hole inside of me that just stays raw and full of so much intense emotion. and that's where everything about this day resides and lives. just as alive now, as it was then. i have no idea when or if that will ever change.

when i chose to participate in dc's 2996 project- i had no idea what i was truly getting into. sure, i would be given a name of a "victim" from that day to write about. but i had no idea how much i'd come to learn about one person i'd never heard of before. and now, i just wish i'd gotten the chance to know him in life, instead of the opposite. i am leaving this up for a few days because i really want it to sink in. sal was a person you could have known. he could have been your neighbor, your friend, your coach, your local fireman, etc. he was all of those things to many people. and now he's gone. the least i can do is allow everyone the time to actually read about him and get to know him while you deal with your own emotions about 9/11.

so this is for sal- and everyone who knew him.. and those of us who didn't get the chance.

Sal was 38 years old and just finishing his shift when the attack began on the WTC in new york city. he cancelled plans he had just made with a friend to work out, turned his car around and headed back to the firehouse. Once there, he jumped on his firetruck heading towards the destruction. That's just the kind of man he was. He didn't run from chaos.. he ran to it... to help ease it. Sal had been part of Ladder 101 for 14 years, since he first started working as a fireman. That firehouse was a second home to him. All of his co-workers, brothers. The entire Ladder Company was lost that day. 7 guys just vanished into the rubble; to never be heard from or seen again. The group of guys from that ladder company are now referred to as the "Seven in Heaven." Sal was one of them.

A proud American, you could often find Sal watching specials about World War II and the Vietnam War on the History Channel. Growing up with his older brother, they would often fight about who would get to go to war (if there was one) and who would stay home with their single mother. It seemed that the only time Sal questioned defending the nation, was when his mom was involved. When she passed away, he got his only tattoo on his left shoulder, in her memory.

Like most firefighters, Sal loved his job. But he loved his family more. His greatest joy in life was watching his 2 young sons grow up. He coached the T-Ball team, and when he couldn't be there, he would call his wife multiple times daily to see how they were doing and what they were up to.
"He was an unbelievable dad," Mrs. Calabro said. "I can't explain it. My kids would always look for him before they would look for me. When they got hurt, they wanted their daddy."
Sal and his wife met as teenagers in a grocery store where they both worked. They'd been together ever since and were married on September 16, 1989.

Sal was a beloved firefighter. His catch phrase was "You're the best!" Whenever he would say it, people would respond back with, "No Sal, you're the best!"
"The guys on the job loved him," Mrs. Calabro said. "Since he was there for 14 years, they called the firehouse 'Sal's House.' They said he was the heart and soul of Ladder 101."

Now the "heart and soul" of Ladder 101 only exists in memories, on memorial walls, in framed photographs, and in the hearts and soul of those he touched and loved. The man who once described heroes as "people who knowingly and willingly enter a peril situation and lay down their lives for other people" has become just that. A hero by his own definition. And mine as well.

Rest In Peace Salvatore Calabro. And thank you for letting me get to know a true hero.

this website has a lot of information about the Seven in Heaven and is where i found the majority of my information and pictures about Sal.

i am adding in this poem that salvatore's wife wrote to him.. i just found it, so forgive me for adding it so late.

i found this poem here... please click the link, because maybe the person you're blogging about has a love letter as well.

Salvatore CalabroTuesday, 1/7/2003
A Conversation With Sal
Often I dream of a conversation with you.
I tell you I love you, and wish 9/11 wasn't true.
What the hell did happen?
Do you believe it yourself?
I'm still in shock, and don't know what to do with myself.
You needed to know about history and war,
Did you know you'd be part of such violence and gore?
What would you say? Are you OK where you are?
You remain in my heart, and are never too far.
I hope you have everything you didn't have in this life.
I hope you forgive me for my shortcomings as a wife?
The world has gone crazy. Nothing is the same.
I want to keep you alive -- let everyone know your name!
Sal Calabro -- my husband, a father, a hero he is.
The flag now in vogue was a fashion statement of his.
In my sleep we do visit. No words do I hear.
I understand you are with me -- your smile says don't fear.
People think I am crazy, your signs I do see.
Moths, numbers and birds are messages for me.
Help me and guide me in raising our boys.
They need to remember you and all of the joys.
Their lives are filled with sadness. You were their best friend.
Please protect and guide them 'til the very end.
We have all changed. Life isn't the same any more.
I hope you will meet me when I come through that door.
Until then I'll always love you!
Keep letting me know that you are here.
And I will let you be remembered --my love and my dear.

The father of two is remembered in this letter written by his wife, Francine.

holy shit

the post below is a clear example of how much of a complete psycho i am.

i mean, first i make this huge, exhausting case for the end of all voice mail as we know it... and then i end the fucking post telling people that i love their voice mails... that drunk ones make me laugh... and the ones from people i rarely hear from are the bestest and i keep them forever... MAKING MY WHOLE ENTIRE POST NULL AND VOID!!!!!

wtf?!?!?

oh look! pictures! of new york! and random shit! you know, like my brain.

wait.

these aren't pictures of my brain.

they're just random stuff... like how my brain is all random and crazy and insane. argh, just go look!

summer is hectic!

man, i feel like i have no time to do anything... how the hell did i ever work full time?!

HAHAHAH! that seriously, was just a joke.


it's weird though how time is organized once you're not "forced" to organize it in the same way. i mean, when i was working... i only had a very limited amount of time to get things done, so i crammed them all into those small pockets of availability. now that i have my days "free"... the same projects, or errands, or things that need to get done- end up taking the entire day to do.

you know?

maybe you don't.

so what have we been up to? well i've been baking lots and lots of cupcakes (and forgetting to take pics of their yumminess)

and we went to a bbq the other day and i took a bunch of candid pics, that i love.











and i feel like i've been running around like crazy. cause you know, i'm about to have a TEENAGER in about 5 or so days! eeek

oprah's final show

i don't want oprah a lot.. probably because i was always working while she was on. but whenever i did watch her show, i liked it.

i'll admit it.. i LIKE oprah. :)

so i watched her very final show yesterday.. not having any idea what it was going to be about, who was going to be on it, etc.

to my surprise, there were no guests.

just oprah. talking. thanking. being grateful.

but what i took from her show- was what i've been talking about for awhile now here on this blog. and a lot of what i've reading lately in terms of spiritual websites.

this huge shift in consciousness. this shift in people's priorities. this calling that is happening to get people to be where they are supposed to be (hence, dramatic events happening- loss of house, loss of job, divorce, etc)....

when she spoke the following words, i found myself sitting on my couch shaking my head back and forth in a YES!!!! motion, just completely agreeing and yelling at my tv, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT OPRAH!!!! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!!!"

"What I knew for sure from this experience with you is that we are all called. Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. Every time we have seen a person on this stage who is a success in their life, they spoke of the job, and they spoke of the juice that they receive from doing what they knew they were meant to be doing.... Because that is what a calling is. It lights you up and it lets you know that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. And that is what I want for all of you and hope that you will take from this show. To live from the heart of yourself. You have to make a living; I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world."

just reading that (especially the last sentence) brings tears to my fucking eyes. it fills me with hope. it RESONATES. that's exactly where i am right now. and where i have been. and what i've been trying to figure out... and CREATE.

i feel like we're all being called to do what truly makes us happy. and by doing what makes us happy, we will affect the world. by sharing what we love with others, it will uplift those around us. goodness and positivity ALL AROUND! :)

you may think i'm crazy.. or not get what i'm saying. and that's okay. i just feel excited. and happy. and sort of impatient because i'm so ready to embody my awesomeness and have it feel right... i'm ready to FEEL like i'm on the right path again- like i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing... like i'm where i'm supposed to be... like everything in falling into place. that feeling you get when you just instinctively know things are unfolding how they are supposed too. i'm ready for all of that.

for me.

and for you.


"My great wish for all of you who have allowed me to honor my calling through this show is that you carry whatever you're supposed to be doing, carry that forward and don't waste any more time. Start embracing the life that is calling you and use your life to serve the world."

changing

i am going through so many changes.

we all are.

maybe some of us are fighting it more than others. are you in a bad relationship and you know you should let go, but you're fighting to hold onto it? or maybe you're in a job you can't stand.... and you stay there because you have security. or you're losing your house, but you're refusing to just.. let.it.go.

i think we all fight to hold on to those things that are familiar to us. familiar feels comfortable. and comfortable... well... it feels good.

change is scary. because it's unknown. and we don't know how it will feel. and not knowing how something will feel is sort of terrifying in its own right.

i'm definitely changing. it's as though i am going through all my old wants- everything that used to be okay... things i used to want (this is all career-wise).... i no longer desire.

i no longer have the desire to work at any cost.

i have no use for things that do not make my heart sing and my soul feel alive. :)

so i'm changing. and i'm finding new wants. and new desires.

and i know what they are, even though i keep trying to ask myself, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU TRULY WANT?!??!"

i know the answer.

but fear runs in and rears its ugly head- telling me that i can't possibly want what i want because HOW WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT????

and then that's where something else comes in....

and it tells me that i have to change the way i think and view the word "success." and i have to remind myself that success is just a word. and we've all given the word meaning. i'm told that i have to let go of the checklist i've created that defines what successful means.

i have to change the way i view success. it no longer has to fit into the box i've created. the box we, as a society, have created. you're only successful if you make lots of money. you're a success if you are the boss of a large corporation (and you're rich), or you run your own business (that makes lots of money).

success does not have to mean those things. maybe my new meaning for success should revolve all around being happy.

feeling fulfilled.

doing what calls to my heart and soul. being allowed to do those things.

writing. sharing my emotions, thoughts and beliefs with all who choose to read them.

of course i want money. but no, i don't have to be rich to feel successful.

i think to me...... my new success, would involve writing. and having people enjoy what i write. and yes, making some money of course (so i could feel like a contributing member of my household)..

i'm still figuring it all out- what success would mean to me. but the main thing is happiness. truly loving what you do, and who you affect, and feeling good about the contribution you're making.

anyone else feel like their changing? growing... evolving?

what path am i heading down?

i know that after a year of being unemployed, i should be foaming at the mouth at any job prospects, right?


RIGHT?


then why is it, with every interview i go on.. i find myself less and less interested in working for other people? you know how you leave an interview and you're just dying with excitement and anticipation inside? you want the job SO BADLY you can taste it.... and you feel like if you don't get it, you'll be crushed?


i remember feeling like that.


but i'm not sure where those feelings went. cause i haven't felt like that one bit since getting fired. nothing has made me feel... well... in all honesty... anything.

and as i drive myself home from all my interviews, i find myself thinking constantly about how uninteresting the job sounded. or how unappealing. and i find that my WANT for what seems like any position- just isn't there.


and what the fuck man? cause shouldn't i be feeling the exact opposite? i mean, shouldn't i be wanting pretty much any job? shouldn't i be trying my damndest to get.. ANY job????


i probably should.


realistically.


but you know what sucks? it's that i don't want to be unhappy. i don't want to be in the position i was in, in my last job. i NEVER want to be miserable working again. it's not worth it. it's not okay. we spend too much of our precious time working for other people. and if we don't LOVE what we're doing- it just seems like such a waste. for everyone involved. i like to care about my job. i like to be happy everyday. and i like to feel good about what i do. and i guess i'm not willing to compromise on that yet.


am i being an idiot?


logically, i try to convince myself that there is something wrong with me. lol but really. like maybe i've just become so complacent being home that i forget what working is like. or maybe i've lost sight of reality? or maybe i think i can behave this way because i have an unemployment check. (note to self, those will run out one day. soon. proceed to vomit)


but then there's something that lives inside me. let's call it my gut. and my gut talks to me... A LOT. and it tells me all sorts of things that when i say them out loud (like now) sound sort of insane....... but when i say them to myself, they resonate. they feel right. i don't have a reason for why i feel the way i do- i just do. and i trust it. i trust that whatever it is that i'm feeling- the non want, the disinterest, the feeling that "this isn't the right path for me..." it's all there for a reason.


there is a bigger picture.


and while it might not be clear, my feelings definitely are. i don't necessarily understand just what the hell is going on with me... but i do trust that i'll figure it all out.


right?

and then a bee flew in my window

*ahem*

so picture this... i'm driving on the freeway, windows part of the way down, rocking out to some fun music...

all of a sudden, something FLIES into my window and like VIOLENTLY smacks me in the face. i sit there thinking to myself, what the fuck was that? a rock? a piece of something? and where did it come from. that freaking hurt.

i look down.

and there is a BEE in my lap. it's totally stunned because it just powerhoused into the side of my face, but it's little legs are trying to move. but then i start freaking out because hello, I AM ALLERGIC TO BEES and now there is one in my mother fucking lap.

dear lord help me... i start wondering if i should pull over on the freeway right now and jump out of my car and do some crazy "get this bee off of me" dance... or if i should wait until the exit.

so i wait.

and thankfully there's a red light.

phew.

so i haul ass out of my car and i'm flipping my shirt all around and i look down AND THAT STUPID BEE IS STUCK TO MY SHIRT. it won't get off.

so then i start freaking out... cause clearly i'll have to live with a bee on my shirt for the rest of my life if i can't get it off of me RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!

this is dramatic, huh?

so finally, i do some crazy flick like move and the bee falls to the ground. the people in the car behind me aren't sure what to make of me so i wave and smile at them and then hop in my car and drive off.

yeah.

but all i keep thinking is how the hell did that bee end up in my car in the first place?! i mean, what are the odds? that has so never happened to me before.. has it happened to you?!

eeek

when did i become a passenger in my own life?

sometimes i sit and wonder how the hell my life has gotten to the point it's currently at.

but mostly, i wonder why the fuck i can't get out of it? why can't i seem to change any part of it?

i feel like i'm up against this brick wall- fighting, scratching, clawing, punching.. doing anything i can to break through it. and on the other side are these ridiculously muscular animated thugs- who keep piling on more and more cement so that the wall can NEVER come down. but see, i have no idea they're there.. piling on more cement. but they know i'm trying to get through. and everytime they hear me fighting, they laugh.

at me.

because in their minds, my fight is pathetic. my strength is weak. they know that unless THEY allow me get through the wall, it's never going to happen. i fight, kick, scream, do everything i can to move one of the bricks... even if it's just in the slightest. but they're always there- making sure that exact thing doesn't happen.

and so i sit here... wondering... how did i get to a place where i'm currently unemployed, can barely get any interviews, will probably foreclose on my first house soon, living up in northern california with no end in sight, feeling completely unsuccessful when i should be anything BUT.. ???? not really how did all of this happen, but moreso why won't any of it end?

when did i become the passenger in the car driving my life?

it's as though i'm in a "view only" seat. i can no longer make the decisions. i can no longer decide where we're turning or what direction we're heading...

it's literally as though what i want and what i strive for no longer has any relevance. none of it matters. because i'm no longer making my reality... well... real.

and i wonder if this is some sick sort of lesson i'm supposed to be learning about letting go.. giving up control.. trusting that things will work out when and how they're supposed too... but really? how can you ask someone to give up complete and total control in their own life? because that's how i feel.

powerless.

it's been over a year of me fighting for change. fighting to make a difference in my own life. reaching for the things i truly want, only to have them kept out of reach. putting myself out there time and time again, only to have it all thrown back in my face. or completely ignored. not sure which is worse.

the bottom line is- if i'm not driving the car of my life... who the hell is? and how can i kick them the fuck out and get back in the driver's seat?


edited to add... just want to make sure y'all know that i'm not depressed, i'm not sad, i'm not in a bad way- i'm just simply trying to point out how it feels to be me right now. just matter of factly. i simply feel like i have no say what goes on in my life right now. like no matter what i try to accomplish or achieve, it's 100% out of my control, and not working for me. the end. :)

one year ago

i got my life back.

one year ago, i started to put back together the broken pieces within me that had been so shattered, so beaten, so abused.

one year ago, my life began again.

no more would i find myself battling headaches so severe & spontaneous that no amount of excedrin would take the pain away. no more would i find myself hysterically crying at the dinner table wondering how much more i could take before i would literally break and fall apart. and what would that breaking from the inside out really feel like? would i be fine one day, and then literally unable to move the next? no more would i have to wonder if what people were saying was the truth. questioning the intentions of those around me. wondering who was a person of their word and who wasn't. surrounded by those filled with less integrity than i care to measure. would i have a complete and total meltdown that led people to sincerely question my sanity? because i was coming unraveled. and i knew it. i just felt powerless to stop it.

so one year ago, i got it all back.

my sanity. my perspective. the remembrance that no amount of money is worth losing your happiness over (and i carry this information with me as subtlety as a tattoo on my face) the chance to find myself again. to be truly happy. to love myself and everything that i am again. to believe in me. to remember that i have value, am a good person, and am a fucking great employee. to do things i'd never had the time to do before (write! real! books!). to spend more time with my son than i ever had in his entire life thus far. sure, we had far less money. but you know what? we survived. we had fun. and i had the best tan i'd had in years.

one year ago, i got fired.

and i couldn't be more thankful for that blessing.

can we talk about teachers?

i realize i might be stirring up some big emotional debate on here.. but hey, that's what blogging is for. to get people talking. although NO ONE talks on my freaking blog anymore.. it's all comments on facebook, and emails, and texts... COMMENT HERE DAMMIT. great discussions happen in the comments section of blogs people. you can comment anonymously, with a name, or whatever.. just do what i tell you. ha :)

okay... so my friend kristina just posted on her book of faces about how disappointed she was in the education system and how "new, great, loves kids and teaching more than anything teachers got laid off while other tenured, not-so-great, couldn't care less about the kids, teachers still hold their job."

and before i knew it.. i was on kind of a rant. i started thinking about how flawed that system is. which quickly led to more thinking (never a good thing) about how the hell tenure started in the first place? how did we, as a society, get to a point where people were GUARANTEED they could not be fired from their jobs (without something major happening), regardless of how shitty they are at them? i mean, what other jobs do this? i'm honestly asking, cause i don't know. is it a union thing?

so then i commented on her post with the following:
"i feel like it's a super flawed system.. i mean, who else gets to keep their jobs no matter how much they suck at them, how much they hate them, how passed the times they are, how out of touch with today's youth they are, how mean, how ineffective... or simply based on seniority?"

and i mean.. this is teaching for pete's sake. a job where you should care.. i mean, really care about what it is you're doing. you should want to be there. you should love what you do (although we all hate parts of what we do, and i would assume that teaching is no different.. i'm sure i'd want to kill most parents, and all the shitty kids at some point) and i'm not saying that just because someone is older they should get the ax and be fired. god, i don't think that about any job. no one should be replaced because of their age.... but when effectiveness (and INeffectiveness) comes into play, that's when there's a problem.

so why is teaching different?

why is it that once your tenured, you're almost completely protected? until what? you die? or retire? i mean... if you're a teacher and you read my blog, tell me what you think IS affective about tenure.. what isn't? do you think it's a good thing? and not just because it protects the hell out of your job. do you think it's a flawed idea.. one that's out of date?

i guess mostly, i feel like tenure guarantees that crappy teachers can keep their jobs, while great ones can't.

but i'm not a teacher. i'm not in the educational system, so the truth is... that i don't know if that's even what tenure actually means or not?!?! so if i'm wrong, PLEASE tell me. i'm fully capable of admitting my wrongness (it is so rare- ha).

talk to me people.

feelin' good

i am still feeling totally awesome after my burn & release event the other day! there have been times since that day when my past experience has come up- and guess what? THE KNOT that lived inside me.... EXISTS NO MORE! my chest and stomach don't tighten up anymore, and i don't feel filled with rage when i speak of people whom i do not like. it's kind of just... what is. but it no longer fills me.

and i am so grateful!!!!!!!

yay for letting go! yay for doing an act and having that really help. :)

i'm shooting some sexy boudoir pictures today for a girlfriend. i've never shot them before, so i'm extremely happy that my first time (ha) is with someone i know (double ha).

jennster.com is all redesigned and ready for launch! :) if you haven't been over to my main website in some time, do me a favor and check it out!

i have seperate sites for everything i'm working on now.. photography, cupcakes, my bookS, and this here blog! it's a lot of really awesome and positive things swirling around me.

and i'll take it!

um, it's girl scout cookie time. maybe they have a season? like football season, or baseball season?? well it's girl scout cookie season. what the hell is it about those dang cookies that make them so good?! is it because they only come once a year (triple ha)?! all i know is that i can't stop freaking eating frozen thin mints. there is no point trying to resist. so i give in. CAUSE THEY ARE SO DANG GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!! and, they did something new this year. instead of having us order and then wait not so patiently for a bazillion weeks before the stupid cannot resist cookies even came in...... you ordered and got them right away! no more waiting! my ass and thighs thank you, girl scouts of america!

that's it for now! hope y'all are doing great.

20 year high school reunion?!?!

seriously?!?!?

when the fuck did i get old enough to be coming up on my TWENTY YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION?!?!?!!? we all know i don't look my age (thank the goddess). and lord knows i certainly don't freaking act my age. and sometimes when i'm in a room full of grown ups and teenagers, i'd way rather hang out with the teens. probably because i seriously am 17 years old at heart. and mostly because i think i have more in common with them. we watch the same shows, listen to the same music, read the same books, etc. but let's not get it twisted- when it comes to deep and soulful conversations, i'm not having those with any teenagers. they simply haven't lived enough yet to relate to things that only those with some years under their belt have. life experience is a gift.

but yeah. 20 years. the funny thing about reunions now, is that there almost isn't a point. i mean, everyone and their dog (literally. i am friends with 2 of my friends dogs) are on facebook. so it's not like you don't know what all your classmates are up to, who they married, if they have kids, what they look like, etc. where's the surprise in going to the reunion anymore? what's the point?

no really. what is the point? i mean, back before facebook, maybe that was the only time you saw everyone from high school and had the chance to catch up. but now- everyone knows everything about everyone. granted, i haven't seen 95% of the people i went to high school with in probably 20 years. but i don't feel like i need too. i mean, THEY'RE ON FACEBOOK.

*logs in to facebook*

there. now i've seen them.

omg, this is how it all starts. people stop going out and seeing anyone in real life because they can see them on their computer. eventually we'll all stop talking to eachother and everyone will have online viewing parties. the reunions of the future will be one big fucking webcast!!!

holy shit, what if we evolve to having no voice? what if we eventually have like 20 fingers or some shit so that we can text and type like crazy to people?! i mean, if we never have in person, or telephone calls with people again??!?!?!?

great.

facebook= the demise of society as we know it. way to go zuckerberg.

i guess i'll go to my reunion ... IN PERSON. although i'll completely deny that i'm old enough to be there.

the fear of.. SUCCESS?

this is a little bit of a crazy post for me to write.. because well, to me.. the topic is just kind of insane. but hear me out.

since i've been unemployed (holy shit people, we are coming up on a year at the end of march. A YEAR!!!!) i've been having to get creative and think about what it is i really want to do with myself. i keep coming back to the same kinds of things. and it's probably because they are all things i enjoy doing in my free time. but the honest to god truth is, i don't think i'd want to do just one of them all the time.

wait!

i take that back. cause i would be perfectly fine with writing my novels all the time. :)

okay.. so i'm in the middle of redesigning my personal website to make it less personal in terms of pictures of my family and stuff.. but more personal in terms of the kind of things i'd like to offer. you can all have a piece of jennster!!!! for a price. lol no. what i mean is that i'm trying to put together one place where all my interests exist. where everything that i'd like to offer in terms of services, can be found in one centralized location. those things are, my books i'm writing and WILL publish one way or another, photography for myself and others, cupcakes for myself and others, and this here blog.

wow. somewhere along the road to my point, i've taken a huge detour. *ahem*

so with all these services, it has me thinking about whether or not i can turn these into something that makes me enough money to live off of? basically, can i be successful at any (or ALL) of these things? and then when i think about it..... for example, say my cupcakes really took off and suddenly i had people ordering from me everyday.

that whole concept scares the living shit out of me. like right now, just thinking about that, makes my stomach and chest feel weird. and i realized just this afternoon, that that feeling i am feeling...

IT'S FEAR!!!

and not even the fear of failing. it's the mother fucking FEAR OF SUCCEEDING!!!!!! who the hell fears being a success?!?

so then i was talking to myself in the car, telling myself that i was scared of something becoming successful. but why? what about it scares me? is it the fact that i'd have to really follow through on the concept? was i scared of feeling like i "had" to do something that right now i tell myself i do because i don't "have" too? or is it the fact that succeeding is such a foreign feeling, that it's incredibly scary because it's unknown?

i don't fear failing.

i've failed before.

i don't care that i've "failed." but failing... trying something and having it not work at all... totally feels FINE to me. it doesn't scare me. it doesn't make my chest tighten up. it doesn't make me feel anything WEIRD.

WHY THE FUCK NOT?!

it's almost like it's expected. like i expect, or just assume that i'll fail. (this is NOT a self pity thing at all, so please do not read into like that.. there is NO self pity here, no lack of awesomeness, no lack of love for self.... just apparently lack of something?!)

i don't know... maybe because i know what failing feels like? since it's not an unfamiliar feeling, it doesn't scare me? i'm scared to succeed because i feel like that is the unknown. doing something on my own and trying to make a living from it... that is unfamiliar to me. having it actually work? again, my chest just tried to make my heart stop beating.... i feel like i wouldn't know what to do with myself.

so apparently i have a fear of success. even though i want things to be good, and i want to be good doing them... i fear it.

is that completely not normal? people, i need you. talk to me.