the post where i show you my heart

kittens...

I love you. I really do. And I hope you know that everytime I tell you "thank you" or that "I appreciate you"... I really, really mean it.

I want to give you a little background on me so that you can hopefully get a better understanding of just HOW thankful I truly am.  :)

I got fired from my job about two and half years ago. It was funny because at the time I was so convinced that I'd be jobless for probably a whopping whole 2 weeks before someone else scooped me up and I was working my ass off again. And the thing was, at the time, I really needed a break. I can't even begin to talk about what went on in that work environment and what I had to deal with, but to say it was one of the most challenging experiences of my life would be a true understatement.

Anyway, I couldn't have been more wrong about my ability to find a new position with ease. Holy shit, i'd never been here before. I'd never been jobless. I'd never been tossed into an environment that was filled with so many under and over qualified people looking for work all at once. So I bought a laptop and starting writing almost immediately.  But I was still looking for work and applying to numerous jobs daily.

I could barely get an interview- and when I did, I ususally left there in tears because I had just come from a miserable work environment and the last thing I wanted was to be tossed into another one. I didn't want to do something I hated. I wanted to enjoy how and where I spent my days. Life is too short.
Nothing felt right anymore.
All the interviews- THE MERE THOUGHT of working for someone else- it didn't sit well in my guts. It's like I knew somewhere inside me that that wasn't what I was supposed to do anymore. It didn't feel right to work for someone else. It felt like I was taking a step backward when I was handed this gift to move myself forward.

But how do you explain that kind of "logic" to a family who needs your income? 

Thankfully I have a very supportive family.  :)

Not like it would have mattered- I honestly don't think I could have found a job if my life had literally depended on it.  It's HARD out there. It's crazy competitive and the people hiring like to make the decision for you before they've even given you a chance "I think you'll be bored in this position." "You're way too overqualified for this."  "Why would you want to do this job, when you've been doing this sort of job the last 10 years?"

Moving on... 
I couldn't get hired (obviously lol). And I released my first book (in dreams) not knowing really anything about this business. I just knew that I had a story I wanted to tell and no one was going to stop me from telling it. So I did. And then I wrote another. And i'm working my ass off to try to make a name for myself in the Indie/Self Published author world. And it's a lot freaking harder than it looks. There's A LOT of indie authors out there. And sometimes things seem so hit or miss- the moon lines up and the stars align just right for some people and not for others. And it's frustrating because i'm sitting there trying to sell books so i don't feel like such a worthless non-income-bringing-in loser (ahem), but nothing i'm doing is working- and my books are being ripped apart and people are hating them and the comments are freaking mean and they tell me I suck and write like a 12 year old and i'm sure i'm supposed to be offended, but I know some pretty cool 12 year olds out there, so whatever.

But of course that leads to the inevitable question of- am I supposed to be writing books at all?  And if i'm NOT supposed to be writing books, then just exactly what the hell am I supposed to be doing because NOTHING ELSE FEELS RIGHT! 

Sorry.

I'm calm now.  lol

So I'm writing books, but not really making any money. I'm looking for a job, but I can't freaking get one. 

And what happens next?

We lose our house.  After trying to refinance and get help with the mortgage (all of which the bank said no too)- we were in the middle of a short sale when the house went to auction. The bank didn't stop the auction and I went and watched it get sold to the highest bidder. We had to move a month later. (that was all this past may/june)

And really?  It's okay. I mean, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and i'm perfectly fine with how everything turned out- but that doesn't mean it was horrible and hurtful and really fucking sad to get to this point.  You know?

Holy crap, do I have a point?  Yes, I do.  My point is that if you fast foward to now... right in this moment... right this second... I want you to know that you've made a difference in my life because you're enjoying something that i've written. You're telling your friends and family to buy my book. You're recommending The Perfect Game to friends, strangers, neighbors, in coffee shop lines, on facebook, on twitter, etc.  You're CHANGING my life. 

I'll say it again.

YOU
ARE
CHANGING
MY
LIFE


Let it sink in. 

Please.

Just for a moment.

Or two.


Because I could never be where I am right now (an Amazon best seller, having made the USA Today and Barnes & Noble Best Seller list) without each and every one of you. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I wish this could last forever! Because honestly, I wish it would. :)

But as for now-  you've made my dreams come true. You've rewarded my hard work by believing in me, encouraging me, supporting me, and wanting MORE from me. For the first time since I started this crazy journey, I feel like a success. I feel like i'm doing something right. I feel like i'm right where i'm supposed to be.  And I AM SO THANKFUL for every one of you. Because I feel that way BECAUSE of you.

So, thank you... for every email, every facebook post and every tweet.  Thank you for everytime my book pops into your head to recommend to someone. Thank you for spreading the word about my little book that could. You believe in it, which means you believe in me. 

And that is more inspiring than I can ever put into words.

I appreciate you. 

xo

thank you just doesn't seem like enough

I know I keep telling you "thank you" like every chance I get, but I wish you knew me in real life...

I wish you knew JUST HOW MUCH I SINCERELY MEAN IT.

How when I tell you thank you, my eyes glaze over, my chest and stomach tighten, my breath hitches... but most of all, I wish there was another flipping phrase other than "thank you" to express how truly appreciative I am for all of you.

I've told you before that The Perfect Game isn't my first book. And if you know anything about Self Published ("Indie") authors, you know that we work our asses off. It's one thing to actually sit down and write an entire book, but it's another thing to get people to not only read it, but like it enough to want to read more of what you write.

It's been a long road for me. At least it FEELS like it's been a long road. I put out my first book in August 2011 and ever since then i've spent countless hours online trying to reach an audience...my audience. I've researched other writer's blogs, newspaper articles on self publishing, articles on trends, what to do, how to reach people, how to market, i've joined groups, indie clubs filled with other authors trying to figure out the exact same thing... how do we get readers in this saturated market to FIND and READ our books?! And how do we do ALL OF THIS, while still writing our next book?!?!?

It's a lot of work.

And trust me, i'm not complaining.

Not one bit.

Because all of that hard work has brought me to where we are today. And I feel like it makes me even MORE thankful. I know what it's like to not experience what I'm experiencing right now. I know the other side of the coin. I've lived it.

Which is why I tell you so freaking obsessively how thankful I am for you. And when you tell me that my book touched your soul, your heart, your guts- I AM OVERWHELMED. And when you tell me that you're telling everyone you know that they have to read this book- I AM GRATEFUL. And when you tell me that you've written a review and posted about it on facebook, or tweeted about it- I AM APPRECIATIVE.

So I just wanted you all to know (again) that I don't take you for granted. I don't take this for granted. And I literally, physically and emotionally, appreciate you more than you can ever truly know. THANK YOU.

I'm gonna give away more shit soon- cause that's a good way to say thank you. Need some action behind my words, riiiight? :)

inspiration!

fyi- i found an editor who is AT THIS VERY MOMENT, working on any grammar issues within In Dreams. I should have the newly edited version up this weekend! just wanted y'all to know! YAY!

moving on... lol

I have a "Wall of Inspiration." lol, That's what I call it. Basically, it's the wall next to my desk where I'm supposed to work (but never do because I move around constantly, sit in weird places and go wherever feels best that day to write), filled with all sorts of quotes, song lyrics and goodies. They make me happy. :)













Fellow author, Veronica Mordem, shared a quote with me the other day that I have completely stolen, adopted, want to put onto a t-shirt and wear everynight to bed... I sort want to get it put on hats I make my dogs wear as they follow me around the house like stalkers.

"If you want to be successful, you must be willing to be uncomfortable." Gil Eagles

I am in love with this quote because "uncomfortable" was the perfect word to describe how I was feeling after all the crazy download madness! Everytime I start to freak out a little, I read those words and I feel better. Here's to making the un-comfort-ness TOTALLY WORTH IT! :)

Do you have any quotes or things you like to surround yourself with? Share them with me!

why does everyone always want everything for FREE?

i have found that trying to start your own business(es) means:

that people will constantly surprise and amaze you.

in both good and bad ways.

the people you know will want your services for nothing. or at least at an extremely discounted rate. and while i understand that to a degree on one hand- the other hand, (you know, the one that's empty and has no money in it because i don't have a job and i'm trying to create ONE by starting a business) is like.. WHAT THE FUCK? if i give everyone i know all my services and products for FREE, then how am i ever supposed to make any money? i can't create or be successful in any business i try to launch, if i don't charge my friends at least something.

and that's the other thing- i cannot for the life of me, imagine asking one of my friends who is trying to start a business, to do some of the things i'm asked to do...

it's one thing if it's offered.

it's another thing if it's not.

part of me thinks that people just don't get it. what goes into everything i do. i mean, how can they?

if you aren't a photographer then you don't you don't know what it's like to shoot hundreds of photos during one session, and then spend over/up to 2 hours just narrowing down the best shots. and then i typically spend anywhere from six to ten hours processing the photos. it may not sound like much, but it is a lot of detail work. a lot of staring at the computer, making a beautiful shot, even more beautiful. i love the results i get, but it IS work for me to get them that way. and it's time consuming.

if you're not a baker then you don't know that i worked my ass off for over 16 months on my cupcake recipes and frostings. you don't know that i didn't have a chocolate frosting for almost 2 years because i couldn't make one that didn't taste like shit on my cupcakes. you don't understand how much time, care, and perfection goes into baking up the yummiest cupcakes in the world (ahem, those would be mine by the way... in case you were wondering-lol). but i guess the thing that tends to shock me the most when it comes to my cupcake business... is the sheer number of people who ask me for my recipes.

MY RECIPES!!!!!!

why the hell would i give you my recipes to my cupcakes? then you would never order them from me again because you could just make them yourself. and really, WHO asks that of someone?

i guess the same kind of people who ask me for my books for free. i wrote that book. it took me almost a year from start to finish to have that book ready to print. it came from my guts. why wouldn't you want to support it? i have to buy my books in advance. they cost money. and then i have to pay for shipping. that costs money too. i don't make that much profit on my paperback books. but some of my friends want them for free. for every person who i gave a free paperback copy too- i PAID you. not only did i give you the book, but i gave you the money it cost to make it, write it, ship it, etc.

you're welcome.

and i don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything, but it's just that i'm shocked i guess at how many people want something for nothing. especially when they know i'm currently unemployed. i don't have a job. i don't have an income. why the fuck would you want my stuff for free?

it surprises me everyday the people who choose to support me (in all honesty, it surprises me everyday as well, the people who choose NOT too). i never expected that so many people that i went to HIGH SCHOOL with would buy my book. i know that might sound weird, but high school was a long ass time ago. so many of my hs friends have jumped on the book train, simply to support what i'm trying to do. and that, is really what true friends are made of.

i could not appreciate their support any more than i already do. they all blew my mind. in the best way possible. so i thank them for that.

it's been amazing seeing who has supported and bought my book. it's also been a little sad at seeing certain groups of people not support, not help, not offer something to spread the word (when they have a lot they could do with their reach, influence, followers, fans), but i guess that's life.

i'm definitely learning who i can count on to be there for me ... as well as who won't. it's just funny, the people i expected hands down to really do something- haven't at all. a group of people who claim to be so focused on community, support and building each other up- they all just want THEMSELVES built up.

but then again, maybe i haven't done enough for them in the past?

who knows?

all i do know is- if you have a friend who is trying to start a business- be considerate, and offer to pay for their services. they'll thank you for it down the road.

:)

appreciation

i've mentioned before how deeply i tend to feel certain things. how sometimes i feel with such passion and such emotion, it literally hurts me inside to take each breath. with this emotion.. with these feelings.. comes appreciation. i have often wondered if i'm the weird one.. i mean, i will remember people i met for 2 hours on a random vacation for the rest of my life. certain songs will bring me back to certain people in an instant. people i haven't talked to in years. people i met in hawaii, or savannah... or charleston.. and never talked to again. i think of and remember these people often. am i the only one? do they ever think of me? i always tend to think that they don't... that i'm the only one who remembers and appreciates the moments shared with strangers.

years ago, i mailed out letters to certain people in my life to let them know how important they were to me. most of them weren't necessarily in my life anymore the way they used to be, but i still wanted them to know that the role they played in my life mattered. i guess i like people to know that i appreciate them. it matters to me. so i'm going to start a series of appreciating people in my life. i realize that you don't know most of these people and so this series might be boring to you.. but it's my fucking blog and i'll do what i want. plus, i think it's important. people need to know that they touch you. that you love them. that their presence in your life matters. or at least that's what i tell myself.

so for my first appreciation blog... i bring you the bomber babes. these ladies are other mom's on blake's travel baseball team. i don't know what i'd do without them. they make everything better. they're all freaking gorgeous! they're all incredibly smart. and they're all amazing, loving and caring moms.. but they're also so much more.

kerry- if only you could see yourself the way every other person sees you. everything about you glows. your skin, your eyes, your hair... you. you are stunning in every way imaginable. your goodness and kindness radiates from within. you're so compassionate and kind. you don't have a lot to give in the way of monetary means, but you give in every other way possible. i feel honored to not only you, but to be your friend. i enjoy being around you, learning from you, sharing with you and inspiring you to embrace your inner hotness and work it. you're so much more than you give yourself credit for, but everything about you is truly a joy. i adore you. you're so much better of a person than i will ever be in this life.

brenda- you are one of the craziest people i've ever met.... but in the good way. i love being around you because you're always fun, happy, smiley, and drunk. HA! okay, you're not always drunk, but i know who to call if/when i want to party!!! everyone needs a friend like you. it's just fun being with you. total partner in crime and every girl needs one. i'm glad mine is you. i hate it when you're not at the tournaments cause in all honesty.... they just aren't as fun. i love spending time with you- hanging out, gossiping, talking, sharing, all of it. thank you for tolerating my ghetto ass. and thanks for being you. i love you just the way you are and i think you're awesome. wouldn't change a thing.

susan- you.are.the.best. i'm not quite what it is about you exactly, but whenever i'm around you, i feel like i'm with family. i'm not sure if you do that to everyone- like if it's just the way you are and if everyone feels that way around you, or if i'm just one of the lucky ones (aka psycho). you're such a good and giving person. you come across as so carefree and so willing to do anything for those you care about. you really seem like you enjoy life and you seem to get the most pleasure out of sharing it with others. it's a rare quality to see someone so internally at peace. that's how you radiate. i love your honesty and your willingness to express it so freely. i know that i can talk to you about anything and you will cut through the bullshit and give it to me real. your confidence and gorgeousness seems to know no bounds. i simply love being around you. thank you for sharing who you are with me.

wendy- you are one of the most beautiful people i know. not only on the outside (cause good lord are you freaking stunning).. but on the inside as well. you have 3 of the hottest kids known to man and i swear we have the jonas brothers of baseball on our hands here. i love how determined you are to make everything you touch a success. you're fun and caring and fun to be around. you're always smiling and you seem to make the best out of every situation. if life's ever got you down, you wouldn't know it. i love the way you believe in yourself and how you want everyone else to believe in you too. i truly do think you could sell ice to eskimoe's if you wanted too. hell, you could probably sell matches to satan. you're an incredibly determined woman and it's hard not to admire that.

teri- i freaking love you. i truly enjoy spending time with you. conversation about EVERYTHING with you comes so easily and naturally. you're so fun, witty and smart. you're super creative and freaking resourceful! you have so many ideas, but they don't stay ideas for long.. you seem to make all of your "ideas" reality. not many people actually do that. lots of people talk about what they want to do, but you.. you actually make them happen. it's inspiring. the risks you take and the things you do- you don't let trivial things hold you back. you go for it. i really do love that about you. it makes you this really cool person in my eyes. lol you're a wonderful person who appreciates and lives in the moment. i love every one of those moments you share with me. thank you.