talked to the bank yesterday

I'm not sure if i ever told you guys that we finally got a notice of default. i guess it was about a month ago. so we're officially in the foreclosure process and there will be an auction date set on our house within the next few months.

at least that's what they say.

yesterday i finally was able to contact someone at the actual bank! during this time, it's always been someone NOT with the bank, but some sort of collector just seeing if you're going to pay-

the lady at bank of america was a first class bitch. shocking, i know. she was so fucking condesending that i wanted to reach through the phone and kick her in the neck!!! she's so lucky we don't have the ability to do that sort of thing....yet.

"well when will you be on your feet enough to start paying your mortgage?"
me- "well i can't really answer that since i've been unemployed the last 2 years. i've tried to get a job this whole time..."

"oh, you haven't had a job for 2 years? WOW... well are you doing ANYTHING to bring in income to your family?"
me- "what do you mean? in what regard?"

"well are you willing to do anything to bring in money? maybe you should rent out a room?"
me- "i have a child in the house and i'd really rather not rent out a room to a stranger, but thanks."

"okay, so you really don't have anything you're willing to do. and you can't afford your property anymore. my advice to you, and i'll be noting this in your file, is that i'm recommending you take any money you've saved and go find a place that you and your family can afford to live in."

wow, thanks for that brilliant gem.

this was all after she said there was nothing they could do for us. we don't qualify for any kind of modification- not in house, out of house, govt, etc.

so after getting that final answer yesterday- it sort of all hit me. and i got a little sad. it sucks to know that we're losing this stupid ugly house... if only for all the time, effort and money we've put into it. money, that realistically, we didn't have. but we wanted to make our house nicer- prettier- feel like home- and it sucks that i kind of look at all of that as a complete fucking waste of my precious time, money and effort.

it's all been for what?

i was also sad because i think that i carry the stress of this whole house situation on my shoulders. or it lives in my head daily. i cringe everytime the mailman comes near the house. i'm petrified that he's going to ask me to sign for something that says we have 30 days to vacate the property. i feel like i just sit here waiting for it all to drop around me.

and i know i could end all of that by just packing up and leaving first- before any of that happens- but the flip side is- WE'RE SAVING MONEY! and the allure of trying to save as much as we can, outweighs everything else right now. i'm obsessed with trying to just build as much of a nest egg as i can while we're in this situation. i'm terrified that we'll need all the money once we leave this place. and i want to have it.

so do we sit here and wait until we're told to leave, or do we start packing and leave on our own accord- and put this part of our lives to rest and start the next part? i will admit that living this way feels stagnant- like i'm not moving forward- like i'm on pause- stuck-

anyway, that's where we're currently at. i imagine it's only a matter of time before we're packing up and trying to find a place to live with out 2 big dogs. *crosses fingers*
until then, the psycho in me wants to get boxes and start packing up everything we don't use, need, etc. i want to make this as painless as possible for when we do have to go- i want everything except our clothes and kitchen shit to be packed and ready. you know?

i know i'll thank myself later for it.

why valentine's day is dumb (sort of)

when i was single, i convinced myself that i hated valentine's day. it was a stupid, made up holiday for hallmark, chocolate companies, and the flower industry. i think i mostly tried to make myself believe all of this, because i was alone. and what single girl in her right mind would be a fan of a day that is all about representing the love she was so desperately lacking in her life? yeah, valentine's day was dumb and no one was going to get her to say otherwise. it wasn't that she didn't believe that valentine's day was idiotic, cause a part of her certainly did.... but she knew it was mostly because she had no one to share it with.

now that i'm technically taken (hahaha), i'm still not a big fan of the day of cupid. but i started wondering if i wasn't a big fan because boyfriend completely sucks ass on this day. maybe if he was a fantastical gift giver on the day of love, i'd feel differently? but instead, he claims to hate it, more often claims to forget it exists, and rarely (if ever) acknoweledges it. why the hell would i get excited for a day that more often times than not, ends in utter and complete disappointment? i wouldn't. so i sit here and still tell myself that valentine's day is dumb. it's stupid. who cares? blah blah blah.... but it's all because i don't want to be let down. i'm all about self preservation and protection people. if you never knew that about me, you know now. i will do whatever it takes to protect my mind, heart, soul and spirit. i will build brick walls 100 feet in the air, if it means that i won't come crashing down in the end. although sometimes things are worth the fall, and i know that- but for other things... get me the mortar and bricks.

it's not like i deserve the special treatment anyway. i feel like my unemployed, non working ass doesn't really doesn't have the right to want for anything right now. i love how everything in my life currently revolves around the fact that i don't have a job. no jenn, you cannot turn on the heater during the day-YOU HAVE NO JOB! you do not deserve anything special or overly romantic- YOU DON'T PULL YOUR WEIGHT FINANCIALLY! how dare you want anything above and beyond when YOU CAN'T GIVE IT! clearly, i don't put enough pressure on myself.

anyway.. maybe the correct way that i feel about valentine's day is more like- it's a constant let down and a constant disappointment, so i choose not to believe in it. it holds no magic for me. it's dumb. lol

do you love or hate valentine's day? do you get gifts? do you give gifts?

okay. really.

this whole website redesign thing is getting ridiculous. lol my eyes.. they hurt people. like i want to put ice packs on them everynight. or cucumbers? cause what if all this designing is giving me EYE WRINKLES! i don't need to LOOK old!!!!!

i have been busting my ass, and working pretty much day and night on all of these sites. my author/writing website is FINALLY completed! as of late friday night, i could not be happier with how pretty and rad the website looks! do me a favor and check it out? and thanks!!! www.j-sterling.com

next on the list? my super delicious and fastactically yummy cupcakes!!!! just a few more changes to the main navigation and that will be all updated and cute and fun! www.PhatBottomCupcakes.com

i need to work on the blog here a little bit (have you noticed the banner looks like it's on a crash diet?!) yeah. resizing is a bitch.

so that's why i haven't been here. or anywhere. because i can't step away from my laptop long enough to STOP.DESIGNING.BUTTONS (boyfriend is going to hurt someone if he hears me talk about these flipping "buttons" one more time).

www.jennster.com is what i'm about to work on RIGHT AFTER I HIT PUBLISH on this post. so then... everything should be up and running (including a nifty new photography section)! which is exciting! because clearly, i can't get a real job, so i'm going to do my damndest to try to get paid doing all the things i really enjoy doing for people. :) what makes a better life than that really? doing things you like doing. and not just doing ONE thing, but doing all the things you're good at? all the things you love? i'm really excited at all the possibilities. i'll be even more excited if they all start bringing in money to live off of. lol

xoxo

the post where i tell sears to blow me

what is it with corporate america and their ability to make me want to tell them to go fuck themselves?!?!?!

right this very moment (okay, more like 20 minutes ago) i realized the fridge was broken. it was flashing an E F error code.. which of course, you have no idea what that means unless you look it up online. the manual doesn't say anything about any flashing error codes. no codes, no flashing, no nothing. stupid manual.

so i called sears. because that's where we got our kenmore elite fridge from. sears. i'm pretty sure that call i made was routed to.. i dunno, zimbabwe maybe... maybe it was kentucky? all i know is that there was some major breakdown in communication along the way.

them- "what phone number is associated with your account when you bought the fridge?"
me- "oh geez, i'm not sure.. try this number."
them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "shoot, i'm sorry. okay, try this one."
them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "crap. i dunno, how about this?"
them- "no account is showing with that number."
by this point i'm thinking that maybe i'm talking to a robot. so i give her 1 more phone number and pray to the fridge gods that it's the right one.
them- "yes, that works."
praise the freaking lord cause i was running out of numbers to choose from lady.
them- "can you give me the name associated with the account?"
me- "yes. it's jenn"
them- "thank you janet."

dies.

after i revived myself, she informed me that the soonest a technician would be in my area (cause clearly, they're flying in from zimbabwe.. or riding a horse from kentucky), would be on tuesday, the 25th. THE TWENTY MOTHER FUCKING FIFTH.

that is eleven days away. eleven days. you know what happens to food without a freezer or a fridge in 11 days?

yes, you in the back waving your hand violently?

does it go bad and spoil, miss janet?

someone give the girl a prize!!!

it spoils. it unfreezes. it melts. IT ROTS.

it's a total and complete loss. awesome.

so unless sears wants to send me a $300 gift card to a local grocery store to replace all of the food i will lose WAITING on my non bon bon eating ass (cause i don't eat warm ice cream bitches) for the next 11 days.... HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

and listen, i realize that there are things going on in the world.. maybe going on in your world, that are far more serious than my fridge breaking. i'm not trying to say omg, people are dying, BUT MY FRIDGE IS MELTING MY ICE CREAM (at least you can afford ice cream, janet!!!!).
and it's not like my dishwasher broke and heaven forbid i have to hand wash dishes until it's fixed. or my stove broke and so i won't be able to cook anything on the stove.. which would stuck, but still.. totally liveable. this is the one thing in the home that houses your food and without it.. um... your food doesn't last... it doesn't keep. why the hell am i defending this?

the point of my frustration is that i'm sick and tired of not feeling cared about by anyone or anything (business speaking). you sold me a product. i did nothing to make it break. it's broken. it's not even 3 years old. and you want me to wait until all my food has spoiled to come and fix it. and on top of that, you'd probably charge me some ridiculous price to make it do what it's supposed to do in the first place. i'm sick of companies not caring. i'm sick of feeling like customer service is the last priority on the business grid anymore. it disgusts me. how does anyone stay in business when they treat people this way?

sears, if you ask people to wait 11 days before you can fix something like a refridgerator- you're kind of an asshole and you have an efficiency problem you should be looking into fixing. maybe you don't have enough technicians. hire some. all i know is that if you don't remedy this, i can guarantee that i'll never buy a single thing from your company again. not even if you were the last company on earth. i'd build it myself. with my robot lady from zimbabwekentucky and whoever the fuck janet is.

dear readers

i'm worried.

see, i'm leaving for new york super early and my everyday routine of sitting out on my NEW FRONT PORCH looking at our super cute tree...


and playing with my colorful, bushy porch flowers that remind me of troll dolls (remember those?? my best friend ali and i used to seat belt trolls on our car antennae's. don't ask why.)


and freaking out everytime i see MORE YUMMY STRAWBERRIES on our strawberry plants


is coming to an abrupt halt!!!

because i will be gone until thursday afternoon.

and i'm afraid dear readers..

that boyfriend will forget to water my pretty bushy troll flowers... and my gorgeously delicious strawberry plants. there are so many berries just waiting to berry!!! look at them all!!!!


this pretty flower will be a strawberry soon! that is.. if boyfriend doesn't forget about it and let it die. ha


so we have to remind him.

and not let him forget!!!

because if i come home to dead trolls and dead strawberries... well... i'll probably cry a tear or two. or three. and there's no crying in strawberry growing!!!!

so um.. hi boyfriend. please remember to water the plants for me.
and eat the ripe berries!! look how yummy!!!!!


and don't forget to play with our frog!! i haven't seen him in days!


thank you times infinity!!! :) xoxo

DIY front walkway!!! aka my wrist will never be the same

so.. boyfriend and i prepped an area in front of our house probably a freaking year ago to put down some sort of paver stone.

we got grass and turned what was once hideous and gross ugly bushes into a gravel pit, and then the other dead and awful area of the yard into pretty grass.


because my girlfriends are coming out in like 4 weeks, i have a fire lit under my ass to finally get things done that i've put off for forever. i realize that it's not a great time for me to be spending money, but you know what? this front porch and our walkway NEEDED to be done. and it's been sitting there, looking like embarrassing shit for over a year. not to mention the fact that it was literally a gravel pit for people to attempt to walk on, so i don't care that i probably "shouldn't" have done it now. clearly i wasn't going to do it when i HAD a job, so at least it's done!

i must say that i am a brilliant mother f'n genius and i made the amount of stone i bought work (when it wasn't enough at all) by creating a border around the area of the lawn and the house... and when the amount i bought still wasn't enough? i made the border BIGGER! and then, i was only short literally 2 pieces of stone. so i patted myself on the back.. told myself i rocked.. and then wanted to die because holy crap, doing stone stuff yourself is kinda hard.
and it takes forever.
and you have mini meltdowns because you get hungry.
and then you get thirsty.
and then you see people walk by and stop and stare and make polite conversation but you know the whole time THEY ARE JUDGING YOU and you want to put some stone in a place on their body it can't possibly go. but that's not nice, so you smile and wave and then tell them unless they're about to pick up some stones and get to work, you have to stop chatting with them. that usually gets them to leave because seriously, who wants to help with this shit?!

thankfully, blake wanted to help! he shoveled dirt (after he mowed the lawn ..and weeds.. in the backyard)

and then he worked on chipping away some concrete from our steps


we started with a big pile of dirt (also known as a "yard")


and a ton and a half stack of stones.


tacoma does not look entertained


so then boyfriend (who was unbelievably amazing and did so much of this job himself because i would have never been so meticulous or organized. don't get me wrong, the stones would have gotten done and they would look pretty, but they would be all wobbly and not level and all of us girls in high heels would fall and break things. so basically, he is amazing.. not to mention SO GOOD at doing stuff like this!!!) put down the border between our stones and the grass- which is another thing that if i was doing this alone, wouldn't have gotten done. "um, what's a grass border and is it REALLY necessary?"


and then i shoveled so much dirt that my arm is in a ridiculous amount of pain. i assume this is what i dunno, carpel tunnel, or tendinitis must feel like. it is swollen, huge, and just hurting!! i think it's just strained, but it sucks how much i can't twist or move it. i am pretty sure that by tomorrow, my hands won't work anymore. it's been nice knowing you hands. you've been good to me over the years, thanks. this is the last known picture of me with working hands.


anyway, after we did all this prep work to actually put the stones down, i started freaking out because when you put all the stone down and there is nothing between them but the spaces of air.. they look freaking AWFUL and i was looking at boyfriend thinking "why is it so ugly??? oh my gosh, i spent all this money and this is freaking hideous and awful and i hate it!!!!"

but then he reassured me that once it is full of sand in all the cracks (haha) it will look better.
and thank the goddess he was right!!!!!!! well i like it better anyway. and that's all that matters.


AND ANOTHER THING- why doesn't anyone tell you that when you're putting together these pieces of stone that clearly are not made to go right next to eachother.. that they all fucking form triangles?!??!?! everything and the way the spaces end up working.. all triangles. triangles!!!!! now you know.

this is the finished front patio area. we still have to get some small stones for the border around the large rocks.. and the sand is still settling, etc... but you get the point!


i will admit that i did leave boyfriend for the majority of sunday to do some serious patio furniture shopping and comparison. i didn't intend to be gone for so long and the whole time i was away i was racked with guilt. not that i could have done what he was doing anyway, but i should at least be there for moral support.. or to be his beer wench or something. i don't like it when he's doing work that i wanted done and i don't do it too. it's like having a manager who gives you all the shit jobs and surfs the internet all day. if that is you- you suck and should change cause all your employees hate you. and boyfriend, thank you for all your hard, meticulous, incredible work.

where was i? patio furniture! oh yeah, check it!!!


so...was it worth it?
absolutely!!!! i now have a gorgeous walkway and an area where i can sit in the front of the house. and i think this is the first time since we moved in that i can look at my house and not want to burn it down! this is progress people.

would we do it again?
absolutely NOT. i think the first thing boyfriend said after we were done was something like, "we are NOT doing this shit to the backyard."

i heard that.

the rest of our summer days will end something like this

this is why we're perfect for eachother

because when we were shopping for father's day cards today..

i spotted this card -

and said to boyfriend.. "it would be really funny if you bought a card with a black dad and a black kid for your dad..." cause you know, clearly my husband is not black. and either is his dad.

he glanced at it and said "that's perfect.. grab it!!"

and then i said, "oh my gosh, you're totally going to write something about obama on it aren't you???"

and he goes, "no, i'm going to write something about my enormous penis size on it."


and that my friends... is why i love him.

giving myself permission

we all know by now that i was dealing with really stressful work situations for over 14 months. but what i didn't personally realize, was how much that was affecting my home life.... and my husband and my son.

all i know is that boyfriend reminds me almost daily how happy he is to have the old ster back (and by "old" i mean the ster that used to be.. not old like i'm 6 years older than him or anything.. which i might be, but that still totally does not make me old. it just makes me oldER..) that i'm so much happier and fun again- and that i was literally having the life sucked out of me.

i knew i was unhappy. i know how i felt emotionally, mentally and physically in regards to everything about my situation. but i definitely didn't realize the extent to which i was bringing my misery home with me. i guess you don't realize how much one aspect of your life can affect every other. i mean, i know how hard it was for me every single day. but not at home. i liked being home. i like my boys. i like hanging out with them and spending time with them. i didn't even realize that i wasn't as fun anymore. or as happy. cause when i was with them, i felt happy. i felt fun... although i definitely had a shorter fuse and far less patience than normal.

it just makes me sad.

because they were affected directly by something that had absolutely nothing to do with them, or how i felt about them. you know?

not having that particular work environment anymore has given me my life back. and my sanity.
and my happiness.
and my heart.

also, i've learned that just because i'm not being society's idea of "productive" does not mean that i'm not being productive. just because i'm not working for someone else and bringing home a paycheck doesn't mean i'm not working. at this particular moment in time, i feel like working on myself.. my insides.. my mind.. my heart.. my soul.. is more productive than anything i could hope to find in any office.

so i'm giving myself permission.... to work on me. to try to relax and find that inner balance that i had so desperately lost and didn't even realize how off course i'd let myself become. permission to breathe again. permission to do society's version of "nothing" all day and feel okay about it. because i need this time. i need this break. i need these days right now to find ME again. and i need to be okay with that. i need to allow it. i really think it's the most important and healthy thing i could give myself... and in turn, my boys.

and i also have one hell of a supportive husband. who has been nothing short of amazing throughout this entire ordeal. he believes in me. and encourages me. and allows me to take breathers, take a break, and just enjoy things right now. without any pressure.

and i could not ask for more than that.

life is good

boyfriend and myself were IN a wedding this past weekend. our good friends (one of bf's best friends.. and my super good friend that i've known since 7th grade) got married. i started getting super excited on friday, right before the rehearsal. i don't know why i was as excited as i was.. i mean, it wasn't my freaking wedding for pete's sake, but for whatever reason, i was coming outta my skin with uber happiness!!!

it was just a really nice time with some really great people. the wedding day was a long one, but it was really nice to meet loree's other bridesmaids. we all tried to figure out where the hell i was when loree met these girls because i had never met them before. we decided i was away at college and then they were away and our paths just never seemed to cross. but they were so awesome and it was such a great day!! as i sit here and type this, all i can think about are the PICTURES and how badly i want to see them!!!!!!

can i just thank the goddess right freaking now that the photographer took some really nice shots of boyfriend and myself? it didn't even occur to me.. at all.. to ask anyone to take some pictures of us together. and he was in a tux!!! what the hell man. i always think about pictures and having ours taken, but it never even crossed my mind. i'm so unselfish. ha. anyway, i can't wait to see those pictures because the photog let me preview them on his camera and they looked SOOOOO nice!!!!!

i hate waiting for pictures.

i have no patience.

which is why i like to take all the pictures myself.

anyway, the wedding was really nice. the couple is so close to mine and boyfriend's heart that it was a personal day for us as well. i would glance up at him during the vows.. i locked eyes with him as i walked down the aisle. i'm just so in love with him. he's so freaking funny and dorky and a total goof. but i love all that stuff about him. we're both so foul mouthed and i forget how shocking our personalities can be to people who don't know us at first. but that just adds to the fun, ya know?

i'm in such a good place these days. SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY!!!!!! and i wake up every morning feeling so awesome and thankful for everything. but that's a post for another day.. you know. like tomorrow.

i can't wait for pictures!!!!!!

you'll probably think i'm ridiculous after this one

but hey.. what else is new? ha

i have to throw a bridal shower for my good friend who is getting married to one of boyfriend's best friends. with me so far?

that part is fine. the throwing of the bridal shower. but i immediately started freaking out because where the fuck was i supposed to have this shower at??? you see, the ugly house is... well.. it's ugly.

and i'm embarassed to have people over at my house when i'm not proud of how it looks. there's a reason we haven't had a housewarming party yet. yes, we've lived there 2 years already. shut it. i'm just not ready to entertain in it. the carpets are ruined. there is dog hair everywhere.. and on everything. the kitchen constantly looks awful because of the way the countertops are tiled. i could clean them with a freaking toothbrush and bleach and they'd still look dirty. it's just old. and it looks it. the fact that people are coming over in the daylight when they can see out of my windows and into my backyard almost makes me want to throw up.

but i don't have a choice. i have to throw this party for a bunch of people i don't know.. in my home. and i'm hating everything about that. have i mentioned the fact that some of the chicks coming are people that boyfriend went to high school with? and dated? and these fucking girls are going to be in my home?? my HOME. my PERSONAL space.

i pretty much hate everything about this entire situation.

we looked into renting a space somewhere, but i'm not paying $500 bucks to rent a location for a freaking bridal shower. that is ridiculous to me. plus i'm not in any sort of situation to spend that kind of money on something like that.

so at my house it is.

am i being a complete ridiculous bitch on this one?! or just ridiculous?

let's talk about gifts!

i want to talk about gifts. not only because i scored super high on receiving gifts in the 5 love languages quiz i took, but because i'm wondering if i'm the only person who does this. who puts weird restrictions on what is or isn't an appropriate gift depending on the occasion.

oh my gosh. i am a total freak huh?

okay, so what are the standard gift giving days? valentines day... anniversary.. birthday.. and christmas, right? so, i've discussed how stupid i think valentines day is many times in the past. i've also discussed that while i think it's freaking stupid, i still want it acknowledged. BUT, i've also talked about the fact that i don't want anything expensive or extravagant on valentine's day. i just want something. flowers. candy. a card. dinner. something. SOMETHING!!!! i think it took boyfriend 5 years and me completely losing my shit before he got the message. valentine's day equals something small and inexpensive... but still, something.

then our anniversary. boyfriend wanted to buy me a laptop and i went into some freaking tirade about how i don't want a piece of electronic equipment for our anniversary. that our anniversary is about us... and our relationship... and to celebrate the day we got married and gave our friends the best.wedding.party.ever. and that i wanted our anniversary to be sweet and romantic. if he was going to spend that kind of money, i would rather go away for the weekend. go to the hotel where we got married and at least stay 1 night, or something. i kind of wish we would do that every year. but just basically i set these parameters that our anniversary was about romance. travel. getting away. hotels. or diamonds! ha.. but not a freaking computer. because how is that romantic? it's not, but it's logical. and thus boyfriend = logic and jennster = not.

think that all those other gifts... a new computer. ipod's. cars. expensive shit... are perfectly acceptable birthday and christmas gifts.

but is that weird? or do you do that too and you never realized it before?!?!

the 5 love languages

so i mentioned to y'all that while we were in arizona, the book "the 5 love languages" was brought up. and while 2 of us had read it already, 2 of us had not. so we sat there salivating at what the book was about, and we were like, "SOLD! let's go buy the book RIGHT NOW AND SAVE THE WORLD!!!"

and we did. at least the buying the book part. saving the world is still in progress.

the cliff notes version is that the book is teaching you how you ACCEPT love. and how your partner ACCEPTS love. and basically, we tend to give the type of love that we want. for example, i like to get boyfriend little gifts all the time, or if i'm out and i see something he would want, i'll buy it for him. because i totally want gifts. but that isn't how he feels loved. he doesn't "need" the gifts to feel like i love him... but i do. get it?

so it's split into 5 categories.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

i knew right away what 2 i was, and what 2 i thought boyfriend was. there is a quiz in the back for your partner to take and for you to take so you can figure out what love languages you are. but once i brought the book home and took the quiz with boyfriend..... i started to think about something.

see, my results were clearly
receiving gifts &
acts of service.
and while i don't think the acts of service part would change (because no matter what, i really appreciate any burdon that is taken off of my shoulders and any help i get so i don't feel like i'm constantly responsible for doing everything)... i started to wonder about the receiving gifts part of it.

i started to think that maybe i want the gifts and stuff because i don't get them. and is that how this works? i mean, do we want the things in our relationships that we are lacking? did i only score so high on the gifts part because i don't get them?

and what if i did get them. and what if they came at a cost?

what if boyfriend was great at giving me gifts and trips and all sorts of awesome things... but never told me he loved me? or wasn't affectionate? or a good listener? would my love language change because now i was lacking in other areas? basically, i'm wondering if your languages evolve depending on your relationship. would i want the gifts at the cost of something else? maybe. i don't know.

what i do know is that this book made me realize that i completely give boyfriend love the way i want to be loved. and that isn't what he needs. and what he does need to feel loved requires some work and effort on my part. i know that might sound shitty, but it's true. but i want him to know that i love and appreciate him, so i have to learn to show him in the ways that matter most to him.... instead of projecting the ways that i want for myself.

and he has to do the same.

because our love languages? completely different and opposite.

what do you think you are? what do you think your partner is?

holiday's with the fam damily

since marrying boyfriend, we have to switch things up on the holiday's. for christmas one year we'll go to his 'rents... and then the next year we go to mine. we do the same with thanksgiving. it's totally fair and i'm completely fine with it. i dig the back and forth.

but this year.... my mom decided she wanted to come to us because she didn't want to be alone. which means that my mom is coming to boyfriend's family's christmas dinner. and um, now my sister is coming up too. which i think is awesome, but also a little crazy.

not that my family and boyfriend's don't get along.... it's just that the way we do holiday dinners couldn't be more different. boyfriend's family likes everything to be perfect and super nice, which is awesome and i appreciate. but it's just that sometimes that can create a super stressful atmosphere (don't get me wrong, they have a ton of people come over and if i had to cook for that many people, i'd probably flip my fucking lid). my family is just way more laid back and well.. we obviously don't care about eachother as much. haha

maybe this year will be different because for the first time, everyone has to bring a dish! i'm excited about this just because i hope it will make everything easier and less stressful. which means, it will be more fun and relaxing for the people who normally spend the entire day in the kitchen cooking!!!! yay!!!

what do i get to make you ask? the potatoes. the delicious, amazing, cheesy, potatoes. they might make it to the dinner table.... if i don't eat them all first. which is a very real possibility. wish me luck.

do you have to bring a dish, or does someone else do all the cooking where you go? and.. WHERE do you go for christmas? that is, if you celebrate it. :)

jacob. you know the one.

don't sit here and be like "jacob who?" cause i'll call your bullshit. even if you don't read twilight or see the movies, you fucking know who jacob is.

we're on the same page now?

good.

you all know that he had to gain 30 pounds of pure muscle to keep his role for the 2nd movie, right? of course you know this. every woman in existance knows this.

it's possible that when jacob ripped his shirt off in new moon, that i might have yelled "TAKE IT ALL OFF" in a theatre full of screaming girls, in between my laughter.

and well. that leads me the grocery store this past weekend.... when boyfriend came with me. and jacob was on the cover of some abs for gods magazine or something. and obviously i made some sort of comment. or some sort of face. or possible drooled.

to which boyfriend reminded me how fucking hypocritical it is of me to be all COUGARTOWN on this kid.. and talking about how he gained 30 pounds of muscle ALL RIGHT HERE *pointing to chest area* and how much i'd flip out if he liked some underaged whore with 30 pounds of fat ALL RIGHT HERE *pointing to chest area*

he's totally right.

but i think i spent the next hour trying to convince him that i am so not the only one who's talking like this! and i'm so not the only grown up who is talking like this. and it's not like i really want the kid. because really, he is a kid... but he's fun to look at. and still, he thinks i'm crazy. or a cougar. or a slut.

so i need your help dammit! TELL HIM! tell him now! tell him that jacob makes you want to do bad things to him. tell him that it's uncontrollable and you can't help yourself.. it's the wolf powers. jacob made you do it.

even if you're lying.. do it for me.

it's all downhill from here

last week was crazy for me. i was home late everynight and i saw the midnight screening of new moon (omg, i almost typed full moon. ha) on thursday night.. then i was in LA friday for work and spent the rest of the weekend there (cause really, why the hell would i leave?).

i came home yesterday and while lounging in bed talking.. boyfriend said to me, "you know what i just realized?......


you talk..


a lot."

we've been together for SIX years and he's just now realizing that i talk a lot??

either it takes him this long to get annoyed with my personality traits, or um.. he's not very perceptive.

pictures!!!!!

no more bitching about the lack of pictures lately. it's not that i haven't been taking any... it's just that i haven't been uploading them! SO! some of these are old, but TOO BAD.

suck it.

i decorated the house for halloween! i had a cute boo sign, and a scary graveyard (not too scary). yes, our house has rocks and gravel shit out front. it's time for paver stones, but i haven't picked any out yet. i'm lazy. and broke. and plus i thought it suited the graveyard anyway!


then blake dressed up as a zombie. he was scary. and looked very happy. see?


one day boyfriend and i went for a ride in his truck. that's me getting in. or something. i blame the blurry picture on the photographer.


we went to visit boyfriend's parents in bodega bay. and if you ever go there, you have to go to the crab shack thing. they have DELISH crab sandwiches!! and this guy lives in the front yard of someone's house. he makes me smile. it's possible that i might be tempted to steal him if he wasn't as big as i was.


then remember how i told you that we went to a baseball tournament?

he is all sorts of awesome. just like his mama.


and i might have mentioned venturing into old town sac? and eating crab? and how i said that post would have been so much better with pictures? yeah. shut it.

i really liked these lanterns. and i loved the charm of old town. i kept waiting for someone on a horse to bust out of a saloon shooting his gun or something. but that never happened. they should really spice things up over there.


the only thing that can explain the fact that i took pictures of pigeons for fucks sake is the fact that i had too much to drink. which means, i had ONE cocktail. cheapest.date.ever.


but also probably the funnest.

crazy dreams & old town sac

i had an insane dream last night where a freaking alligator was literally trying to kill me. but you better bet your ass that i grabbed that fucking thing by his snout and swung him around and threw him crazy far. then i ran like hell.

but what did that alligator full of vengeance do? he found me. and i was with 3 other girls running in a pitch black warehouse type place and i saw the shadow of the gator and i screamed to the girl that he was behind her but she didn't hear me.. or didn't something.. beacause he mauled her and killed her. and i was racked with guilt because the stupid thing was trying to kill me, but he must have thought she was me, and now this poor innocent girl was dead, when it was supposed to be me.

yes, in my dream, this alligator was personally trying to attack and kill me.

issues much?

this weekend we were in sac town for blake's baseball tournament. boyfriend and i went down to old sac, and i can't even remember the last time i was there. i wanted to take pictures of everything, but i was so fucking hungry, i couldn't think about doing anything else except stuffing my face with food. so we walked along the wood planks.. and i tried to break my ankle more than once. we passed what seemed like 50 candy stores that probably all sold the same things. it was still really really cute. i found it very charming and i realize that this story would be so much better with pictures, but i suck k? thanks for reminding me.

anyway, we found ourselves right on the river's edge waiting to be seated at joe's crab shack. that place was packed and played loud music and the waitresses danced to "come on ride the train.. you can ride it.. woot woot." it was weird. cute, but weird. especially since they just did the same little dance routine over and over again. bottom line, the song was too long. now they know. you're welcome. while we waited for our table, i might have asked the bartender if they had diet cranberry so i could have a vodka cran. she might have told me that that was the weirdest question she's ever been asked. i might have responded with "really? THAT was the weirdest question you've ever been asked??!?!" and then thought she doesn't get out much. or that she bartends in a place that really isn't a bar. because really? that question... while kind of annoying.. not really that weird. i bet so cal bars have diet cran. hahaha. i bet they don't.

the crab was good. but what kind of seafood place doesn't have any bread? i really wanted (needed) some bread (to soak up the vodka) because i was starving. not sure i'd go back there again. nothing was wrong with it, but nothing was too special about it either. i dunno. i might have been too freaking hungry to appreciate it properly. once the pot of crab sat in front of me, i honestly don't remember ever looking up again until it was time to go. oh, it's still light outside. who knew? i take my crab eating very seriously.

know what would be great with this story? pictures.

yeah, i know.

so how was your weekend?

i think i just became a real woman. or something like it.

**warning to people who know and love me in real life... this post is about over the shoulder boulder holders and private area covers. more specifically, mine. so if you don't want to read about the things you find in victoria's secret, you might want to skip this post. word to your mom.**


i've never been one to have this fierce clothing style. sometimes i like really wacky, over the top shit- but most of the time, i'm pretty boring. i definitely choose comfort over style. i'm always in jeans and usually a tank top. i just like to be comfortable all the time. don't get me wrong, i normally have really, really, really cute tops and shoes, but still- they're paired with jeans 99.9% of the time. oooh, fashion goddesses beware!

so um.. the same goes for my bra and panties. at least it did... before yesterday!!!! i've always had super cute panties. but never sexy panties. same with my bras. i never saw the need. or maybe i'm just a complete moron who has been missing out on this fabulousness this whole fucking time. that is definitely always an option. anyway, comfort. comfort and cuteness.

yesterday i went shopping. and i wanted sexy. and i tried on sexy. panties. bra's. rahr. and i fell in love. with super cute matching lacy sexy shit. and so i bought some. and i came home and modeled it all for boyfriend and i think he died right there. but he has since asked me to model my new panties at least a dozen times, so i think i did something right here folks.

and let me tell you. i feel totally sexy in my new digs. i fucking LOVE them!!!! i love knowing i have these delicious little sexy panties on under my jeans. it's like this awesome secret i'm hiding that only boyfriend gets to uncover. it's so fun!! i love it!!! and um, everytime i go pee i get so excited at how cute my panties are. (i know, i'm weird, but i've never had sexy shit before!!!!)

so when i looked in my drawer, i realized that oh my god, all my underwear is like so college cute. college was SO long ago people. so now i want more!!! i want ALL sexy, fun underwear. i'm not kidding. i don't want any remnants of the "cute" little panties in my underwear drawer anymore. i want sexy panties. because i am sexy. and the sexy panties are totally hot. and the sexy bra's, are amazing.

i think this is what being a grown up is like.

how we change as women..

i have a few girlfriends up here who are older than i am. i only say that because i completely forget all the time that they are older than me. they're skinnier than i am. they're hotter than i am. and they're just as fucking awesome as i am. i always think that we're all the same age...

i love having conversations with these women because they are so insightful. and it's interesting to hear the things that they are going through. most of them got married when they were fairly young, and so now- as they're getting older, they feel like they wasted their lives away. well, no. that's not right and that's not what they said at all. sorry, i have to do them justice here.

let me try this again. they feel like they've spent so much of their lives making decisions for everyone else. doing things for everyone, but them. raising the kids. raising the husband. and they've all said that the older they've gotten, the less tolerable they've become. things they once didn't have a problem doing before, they simply don't want to do anymore. things that have been okay for years (because they allowed and supported it) aren't okay anymore.

suddenly, they're finding themselves wanting more. more freedom. more independence. just more FOR them. and apparently, once they've hit that point, there are no more conversations. it isn't a negotiation. it's not a compromise. she's done. she's over it. she wants different. you're either on board with the new her, or you're not. and in all honesty, you might not even have the option.

the man in their life is probably sitting there wondering what the fuck just happened, when in reality, he didn't do anything "wrong"... she just grew up and decided she was over all the bullshit. we could argue about this for days- talk about how since she allowed certain behaviors for so long, that it's her fault in a way. and how she can't expect him to change on a dime because she doesn't want to do the things she's been doing for years anymore. why should HE change? it's been okay for as long as he can remember, why isn't it okay anymore? so many people would say that the woman created this situation and the blame would be placed on her. she allowed certain behaviors. she gave in. now she wants change. but how inconsiderate of her to assume or expect the man in her life to change or adapt with her. right?

does anyone ever think that maybe it was never okay? maybe she felt obligated to do certain things. maybe she changed who she was in the to accomodate what she thought being a good wife meant? so she adapted in the first place. adapted to what he wanted her to be. then she got tired of adapting. tired of bending over backwards when no one did the same for her.

and one day... she snapped.

and you know, i totally understand it. when my girlfriends talk about how they're tired of certain things and that once they reached this certain age, they were just done.... i get it. listening to them vent their frustrations and trying to verbalize feelings they've never put into words before- i understand it all. i get what it is they want. what they're looking for. what they want to change. to me, it makes perfect sense how this all happened. it's logical. and i do think it didn't have to be that way. whatever my friends are looking for, i hope they find it... and i support them 100%.. all the while hoping that since i got married so much later in life, that this shit won't happen to me and i won't feel this way.....

double standards

know what is really, really hard? this whole location thing. the fact that i was born and raised in southern california and boyfriend was born and raised in northern california. and while there are things i really like about where we live, i will never feel about it, how i feel about my hometown (obviously). it's where my soul is. it's where i feel at home. and no amount of trying to get things, or do things up here will ever change that. i think in the back of my mind i would always wish i was doing whatever i was up here... down there. there is always someplace else i'd rather be. other people i'd always wish were around me.

i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my niece who is basically my twin. i miss my nephew and it's his senior year of high school. that makes me sick to my stomach. i don't want to miss his friday night football games. i want to be there watching him play. i don't want to miss him playing varsity baseball. i want to be there for those games too. I HATE MISSING OUT ON THINGS AND TIME YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK. i'm too fucking sensitive to just simply be okay with missing all of these things. i care too much to pretend like i don't.. or act like it's alright. when inside, it's not. you see, they may not need me, but i need them.

i honestly think that boyfriend thinks that at some point, i'll be content with living here. that something will happen and it will magically make it all okay. and i'll stop bitching and complaining. and i don't want to bitch and complain (i fucking hate that i'm writing this right now because i know how much it will hurt boyfriend).... it's just that i'm hurting too. you try living with how i feel inside. there are things that i want. things i want to try and do. but i don't want to do them up here. the last thing i want is to do something that ties me down even more to a place i don't want to stay in long term. how fucked up is that? but it's the truth.

i think that if i was to lock myself into this location more- there would come a point where i exploded and walked away from it all. i can pretty much almost guarantee that time would come. i couldn't tell you when, but i would feel like i just kept making all of these decisions that required me to stay up here longer and i think the thing is.... it's not self satisfying. it doesn't make me feel good. i don't know why, but there is a part of me that feels like everything i accomplish and do will be that much more satisying and enjoyable if i did it down south. does that even make any sense? and if it does, please tell me why.

another shitty aspect? if you ask anyone about moving to so cal, they all say that there's no way in hell i'm getting boyfriend down there. and they say how much he'll hate it. and how miserable he'll be. and people have actually expressed concerns about our marriage making it if i insist we move. they think he won't go. they think that will break us. how fucked up is that? and his family gets super upset at the thought of him leaving here for there.

but how the hell is that fair?

why was it perfectly okay for not only me, but my child, to move away from my family and move up here? how come my unhappiness is something i have to just live with and get over? how come i'm a bitch for not getting over it already?

and seriously, what the fuck is my problem? why can't i just be happy and fine here? opinions? thoughts? medication?