i JUST got an iphone. suck it

i don't wanna hear your crap about how late i am to the game and how could i ONLY be getting an iphone now... just hear me out.

it's pissing me off. see, i had an android for the last 2 years- and you know what, i like the android platform A LOT. you can download a ton of things so that your phone will look the way you want it. i really liked the customization of the android.

but this phone? this freaking apple (aka, we own you) phone? sure, i can customize it- as long as it's under THEIR guidelines. which sucks. i don't like the way it looks. it irritates me.

i want a clock widget. not a clock wallpaper. a widget. that just lives on the top of my main home screen. like my old phone.



why is that so hard? why doesn't apple have a freaking widget that you can download and put on your phone? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

also- i want a freaking calendar that looks like my old one. i want to see what i have coming up. but NO. stupid apple doesn't have that either.

these stupid phones have been around for years- you mean to tell me that NO ONE wants the simple things that i do????

and please don't get me started on the whole non ability to lock individual apps/folders. in android, you could lock your contacts seperate from your phone. you could lock your email. you could lock your text messages. you could lock whatever you CHOSE to lock- because it's YOUR phone.

i am completely security paranoid and want my contacts locked. i want my emails locked. i want my settings locked. but i can only lock my phone. which is stupid.

anyone "jailbreak" their iphone? does it screw it all up? should i do it? lol should i take the phone back?

i'm seriously about to lose my mind. i sort of heart the android system.

but on a positive note- facetime totally rules!!!!!

For the love

I'm sort of sick of talking about my book. LOL Is that weird? Probably. I'm usually pretty weird.

I went to shopping today and bought a new pair of jeans. I swear the only jeans that work on my body are the Long & Lean's from GAP. And while I love them... I always end up ripping them. You know, right when they're at that perfect point of worn-in-ness and you're totally in love with them everytime you put them on. Yeah. That's when they rip. Huge, gaping rips. So I had to get some new ones. And I'm sitting here in my living room, trying to do like yoga stretches and bends so that these freaking things will stop suffocating me and S-T-R-E-T-C-H out. Don't laugh- new jeans are super tight at first! Then they stretch all willy nilly and fit perf. :)

I look forward to stupid things. Like tonight, I know we're going out to dinner at a Mexican place and all I can think about is the fact that I get to eat salty chips & salsa later.

Seriously. I'm drooling right now just thinking about it.

Clearly, I have issues. This shouldn't be news. lol

My head hurts. Sometimes I wonder what's going on inside my head- like, do little people live in there with hammers and stuff and they just chip away at things? I think they must. Cause that's what it feels like sometimes.

Speaking of my head- I read a book the other day called The Mind Readers by Lori Brighton. Holy crap, it was FANTASTIC!!! I totally loved this book so much. The concept was awesome- about a girl who can read minds, but was raised not to ever tell anyone because "people" are out to get her, and those like her. So she's always kept it to herself... until this guy comes to school who can do the same thing. There's WAY more to the story than just that, but anyway. It was awesome. I can't wait for the second book to come out. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. :)

Alright. i'm off to play with my doggies. And kiss my puppy (not a puppy) on his smooshy, fat, face. I can't get enough of that face. I mean really, could you? i <3 him!!!!



Have a great weekend everyone! I'll think of you while i'm stuffing my face with chips & salsa later! lol

you have to love my book cause you're my friend

why is it that we give our friends, family, or people who know us, less credit than perfect strangers?

what i mean is- it's been a rough week for me emotionally. this whole book thing is scary. and thrilling. and puke inducing. and horrifying. all at the same time.

and in all honesty, i'm not really used to feeling those kinds of emotions. i'm definitely not used to feeling queasy everytime i get online. or anxious. or sad.

these feelings suck.

i'm sort of in a yucky place right now. okay, i get it- my book isn't resonating with people the way that i hoped it would.

logic = that's okay. that's normal. keep writing.

emotions = people hate me. my writing sucks. people hate my book. i'm really sad about it.

and it's like, no matter what anyone who knows me says about my book or my writing- i totally take it with a grain of salt. because you know me, you know how i am. you know my personality. you know the way i talk. the way i deal with people. the way i write. and so you read my books differently. you can hear me in them. whether you realize it or not, you cut me some slack because i'm your friend.

that's why i find myself pretty much longing for strangers to tell me they LIKED my book. that they enjoyed the story. they found the characters fun, funny and relateable. that the idea of past lives was neat, intriguing, or something positive.

and when you don't get that.... or you find that everyone who loves your book is someone you know...

well you start to question things.

like your ability to write a good story. or a good book. or have characters that i thought were normal when i wrote them, but i keep hearing they're "too perfect" so people don't "care" about them. i guess society hates perfectly nice people. who knew?

anyway. i'm sad. i feel really down. and i know this was my very first book ever and i didn't know what the hell i was doing when i wrote it, but i still really loved my story. don't get me wrong- i wrote this book a year and a half ago and so i cringe at times when i read parts of it. and sometimes i want to scrap the book and rewrite it. but i know that if i do- i'll constantly be editing one book, and i'll never write any others. because i'm always going to be growing and shifting and learning. and the more i write, the better my writing will get (i hope).

it still really sucks to watch the star ratings on your book go down, down, down. and see that someone filed your book online in a folder called "nothing-special."

yeah.

it sort of sucks being in my head right now. go ahead and make me feel better. you're my friends so you have too. :)

if you see me in the grocery store, you should probably run the other direction

um.

y'all?

if you know me, know me.... (you know, like in real life and stuff) then you know that i'm not really a klutz. i do however do lots of stupid and silly things like, put gravy on my salad as the dressing... or fall completely sober on the dancefloor while having a pretend makeout session with my girlfriend during the song, "i kissed a girl"...

but otherwise... i don't think people think of me as a "klutz."

at least not to my face. haha :)

so, these last 2 trips of mine to the grocery store have been completely out of character. not to mention, dangerous! oooh, i've become dangerous. how sexy.

no no, this is not that kind of dangerous! it's the bad kind. the dangery kind. for reals. so if you see me- i am not kidding when i tell you... RUN THE OTHER WAY! get as far away from me as possible!

because two times ago i was in the pasta aisle and i turned a jar of sauce to read the label on the back, it fell off the shelf. i tried to do the whole juggle thing with my hands, while one arm was holding a carry on cart thing, and then my hair fell in front of my eyes and i had no idea where the jar was anymore. so i just threw my foot up in the air in the hopes that my leg would have eyes and be magical or something and i'd actually catch the freaking jar of sauce on my foot. or at least break its fall.

but no.

i don't think my magical foot was anywhere near the jar of sauce as it plummeted to the ground. do you know that my brain actually thought, "oh, it's not going to break. it's going to hit the ground and be totally fine. i broke its fall enough with my mad juggling skills that maybe it will BOUNCE when it lands."

ahem.

bounce?

i think my brain bounced.

that bitch SHATTERED to the floor below and broke into a billion pieces. did i mention that this aisle is right by the door? so everyone walking in was muttering things like, "awwwwww" and "oh no!!!" and there were gasps of horror. because this was clearly a tragic moment in grocery store history.

and i realize that people probably break things all the time in stores, but i never have before. and it looked like a freaking crime scene. it would have been awesome if someone had busted out some tape and outlined the blob on the ground. lol

okay... moving on to TODAY!

i grabbed a cart that had a weird front wheel. but me, being the non-discriminatory cart person that i am, stuck with the disabled shopping cart.

so once i was done shopping and the cart was filled with all my stupid shit... the front wheel STOPPED moving.

it just stopped.

have you ever had a cart stop moving on you before? well if you haven't, let me tell you what happens. you turn into a complete non functioning person. because your body doesn't stop trying to push the damn thing. but it's done moving. and then, everything happens really quickly.

so the wheel stopped.

but i didn't.

and the fucking thing TIPPED OVER ON ITS SIDE!

holy shit, i can't stop laughing right now. lol

it was so loud as it crashed to the freaking ground. and everyone waiting to check out was like, "OH MY GOD!" and "OH NO!" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "ARE YOU OKAY?"

what the hell? who has a shopping cart just tip all the way over? and do you know how ackward it is trying to put it back upright is? it doesn't want to go!!! good lord. lol

did i mention the eggs? oh yeah, they died.

another tragedy in the grocery store. thanks to yours truly.

clearly the lesson here is that i should no longer be allowed to grocery shop unsupervised.

or supervised.

i should probably be banned altogether.

dear facebook - aka the place that can't leave well enough alone

please dear god, for the love of all that is holy and right with this world,

STOP FUCKING WITH MY PROFILE PAGE!!!!!!

i sincerely do not understand why that concept is so fucking difficult for you to grasp? why do you INSIST on changing our pages every 6 months? i freaking LOATHE it, every.single.time.

but this time? it's the worst. the banner and what-not is sort of cute- totally liveable, but the rest of it? confusing as all hell. makes no sense. why is everything all over the place in little myspace boxes? but it's not even different information. it's just status updates everywhere. it's freaking stupid, mark fuckerface.

if i could close my account and still be able to maintain my "fan" pages, i would. because you make me HATE facebook. you make it suck. and i don't understand why you can't just leave well enough alone?

also, since you clearly have a problem sitting still... or you constantly have a "let's redesign everyone's profile pages.. again! and then let's do it again tomorrow! oh, this is so much fun!" hair up your ass.... can you at least make the update OPTIONAL?

so if people love the new pages layout and look- they can choose to display their page that way? and for those of us (the smarter bunch) who know how messy and stupid it looks, can keep our pages the way we like?

i hate you.

you're like some sort of lunatic who gives people no choice. you probably get off on the control.

well knock it off, fuckerbitch. you're pissing me off.

but i'm sure you'll do it again in 6 months.

there once was a mouse named christmas

the other day while the boy and i were chilling downstairs, i saw something scurry out of the corner of my eye.

WHAT WAS THAT??!?!?! i wondered to myself before i saw IT scurry again.

it was a mouse!

a mouse!

in my house!!!

which most of you are probably freaking out, and shuddering, or being like EWWWWWW! right? because i think that's probably a normal reaction to a rodent being in the house.

but um, not if you're me.

cause if you're me... then you're like, "oh my god, he's sooooooooo cute! and little! and FAST! and can i catch him and keep him as a pet? pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

because clearly, i am not a normal.

and probably also because when i saw that little mouse, i give him a name like CHRISTMAS, and i dressed him in clothes and hats in my head.

you know, like this (blame bass/rankin)

aren't they cute?!?!?!!

told you. :)

okay, so i want to catch christmas and keep him as a pet and watch him fix my broken clock that sings christmas carols to santa, but boyfriend is all like, "YOU ARE DISGUSTING! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S A FILTHY RODENT THAT CARRIES GERMS AND DISEASES AND YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM AS A PET!!!!!"

clearly, boyfriend sees christmas like this

anyway, after his response i made my bestest sad face and eyes.

he was unfazed.

he's heartless.

so tonight... just now in fact.. i was looking under the kitchen sink and THERE WAS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

dead.

in a mouse trap.

and that my friends, is the short story of a mouse named christmas.



i'm going to go cry now.

i want all his days to be happy

i know it's not realistic.

and it's probably stupid to even think that i want this (because then how will he ever learn anything in life? grow? become determined? learn that life isn't fair and you have to work really hard for the things that you want? get focus? find strength? etc)... but the mom part of me really wants to protect my son from anything that could ever hurt or disappoint him in life.

i know it's dumb.

but really, am i the ONLY parent who's ever wanted to wrap their kid up in emotional bubble wrap that's coated with golden retriever puppies who never poo or pee in the house and always stay little? fine. i might be the only mom who's wanted to do that, exactly. but i'm sure i'm not the only parent who wishes she could spare her kid some pain.

i wonder if part of my want is based on the fact that it really.fucking.hurts when shitty things happen to your kid.

when they get let down, stepped on, treated unfairly or poorly, or when they have to sit by and watch part of a dream walk away- i feel like it hurts me a thousand times worse when it's something that's happening to him, as opposed to when it's something that's happening to me.

does that even make sense?

i guess the bottom line is, i hate to see my son not get the things he works hard to get. it hurts like hell. and i know it's a part of life, but it's a part that never seems to get any easier. matter of fact, it feels like it's only getting harder.

the let down's seem bigger.

the pain feels stronger.

this part was definitely left out of the mommy handbook. people never tell you the good stuff.

you're welcome.




ps- how are all of you parents with MORE than 1 kid, not complete and utter emotional wrecks all the time? you deserve medals. or cupcakes.

gray hair? REALLY???

shut.
the.
front.
door.

y'all?

is this thing on? *tap tap*

cause um... not only did i find a gray hair last night in my beautiful luscious golden locks... that mother fucker had friends.

LOTS.
OF.
FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

i am WAY too young, and FAR TOO immature to have gray hair.

so imagine how much i freaked out last night when i saw the first unruly little fucker sprouting out of my head. it literally became GRAY HAIR WATCH TWENTY ELEVEN up in my bathroom.

i think i seriously spent about an hour searching for all those stupid things and then yanking them out.

they were easy to find though. wanna know why?

CAUSE THEY ARE UNRULY!!!!!

they are all weird, and curly and don't lay right! not to mention the fact that they reflect the light ALL WRONG! they don't glow with golden prettiness- they are dull and brassy.

why can't they grow out in colors like dark blue, purple or pink or something? i would love that! random little bright hairs scattered throughout! FUN!

but nooooooo. they're gray.

GRAY!

i have gray hairs! that grow! out of my head!

why is this happening to me?!?!? can i make it stop? can i will it away? act more immature? start wearing diapers? WHAT CAN I DO???

i am too cute for gray. i am too happy for gray. i am too fun for gray. i refuse!! help me.

holy shit

the post below is a clear example of how much of a complete psycho i am.

i mean, first i make this huge, exhausting case for the end of all voice mail as we know it... and then i end the fucking post telling people that i love their voice mails... that drunk ones make me laugh... and the ones from people i rarely hear from are the bestest and i keep them forever... MAKING MY WHOLE ENTIRE POST NULL AND VOID!!!!!

wtf?!?!?

oh look! pictures! of new york! and random shit! you know, like my brain.

wait.

these aren't pictures of my brain.

they're just random stuff... like how my brain is all random and crazy and insane. argh, just go look!