there once was a mouse named christmas

the other day while the boy and i were chilling downstairs, i saw something scurry out of the corner of my eye.

WHAT WAS THAT??!?!?! i wondered to myself before i saw IT scurry again.

it was a mouse!

a mouse!

in my house!!!

which most of you are probably freaking out, and shuddering, or being like EWWWWWW! right? because i think that's probably a normal reaction to a rodent being in the house.

but um, not if you're me.

cause if you're me... then you're like, "oh my god, he's sooooooooo cute! and little! and FAST! and can i catch him and keep him as a pet? pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

because clearly, i am not a normal.

and probably also because when i saw that little mouse, i give him a name like CHRISTMAS, and i dressed him in clothes and hats in my head.

you know, like this (blame bass/rankin)

aren't they cute?!?!?!!

told you. :)

okay, so i want to catch christmas and keep him as a pet and watch him fix my broken clock that sings christmas carols to santa, but boyfriend is all like, "YOU ARE DISGUSTING! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S A FILTHY RODENT THAT CARRIES GERMS AND DISEASES AND YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM AS A PET!!!!!"

clearly, boyfriend sees christmas like this

anyway, after his response i made my bestest sad face and eyes.

he was unfazed.

he's heartless.

so tonight... just now in fact.. i was looking under the kitchen sink and THERE WAS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

dead.

in a mouse trap.

and that my friends, is the short story of a mouse named christmas.



i'm going to go cry now.

this is why we're perfect for eachother

because when we were shopping for father's day cards today..

i spotted this card -

and said to boyfriend.. "it would be really funny if you bought a card with a black dad and a black kid for your dad..." cause you know, clearly my husband is not black. and either is his dad.

he glanced at it and said "that's perfect.. grab it!!"

and then i said, "oh my gosh, you're totally going to write something about obama on it aren't you???"

and he goes, "no, i'm going to write something about my enormous penis size on it."


and that my friends... is why i love him.

life is good

boyfriend and myself were IN a wedding this past weekend. our good friends (one of bf's best friends.. and my super good friend that i've known since 7th grade) got married. i started getting super excited on friday, right before the rehearsal. i don't know why i was as excited as i was.. i mean, it wasn't my freaking wedding for pete's sake, but for whatever reason, i was coming outta my skin with uber happiness!!!

it was just a really nice time with some really great people. the wedding day was a long one, but it was really nice to meet loree's other bridesmaids. we all tried to figure out where the hell i was when loree met these girls because i had never met them before. we decided i was away at college and then they were away and our paths just never seemed to cross. but they were so awesome and it was such a great day!! as i sit here and type this, all i can think about are the PICTURES and how badly i want to see them!!!!!!

can i just thank the goddess right freaking now that the photographer took some really nice shots of boyfriend and myself? it didn't even occur to me.. at all.. to ask anyone to take some pictures of us together. and he was in a tux!!! what the hell man. i always think about pictures and having ours taken, but it never even crossed my mind. i'm so unselfish. ha. anyway, i can't wait to see those pictures because the photog let me preview them on his camera and they looked SOOOOO nice!!!!!

i hate waiting for pictures.

i have no patience.

which is why i like to take all the pictures myself.

anyway, the wedding was really nice. the couple is so close to mine and boyfriend's heart that it was a personal day for us as well. i would glance up at him during the vows.. i locked eyes with him as i walked down the aisle. i'm just so in love with him. he's so freaking funny and dorky and a total goof. but i love all that stuff about him. we're both so foul mouthed and i forget how shocking our personalities can be to people who don't know us at first. but that just adds to the fun, ya know?

i'm in such a good place these days. SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY!!!!!! and i wake up every morning feeling so awesome and thankful for everything. but that's a post for another day.. you know. like tomorrow.

i can't wait for pictures!!!!!!

the holiday party that wasn't

boyfriend and i got all dolled up on saturday night to head to my work's holiday party. yes, getting dressed in all black equals dolled up. i had been sick all week, so i didn't have time to shop for anything to wear... which annoyed me all day long. i had to wear old clothes. boooo


we weren't in the party 20 minutes (isn't the lighting pretty?) ....




when the POWER WENT OUT!!!!!!

total.blackness.

okay, there were some candles, but that was it.

and when total blackness occurs... pictures like this happen.

you know, where peoples heads get cut off...




and only half of someone's body is in the shot


or nothing but a cup is there.


and you kind of think it's funny to blind people with your camera flash, so you just flash it constantly.


and when they complain, it makes you want to keep doing it more. cause you're all sorts of considerate and stuff.

at some point you get used to being in the dark (even though they've asked you to leave at least 5 times already) and your pictures get better!


and eventually you do leave cause you notice it's starting to get really fucking cold in there with no power. and you also realize that you're starving. and it's still dark. and this isn't that fun in the dark without power cause hello, that means, NO MUSIC!!!!

so you attempt to take one more girly group shot before you leave.


and then you walk outside and see what all the commotion is about.
oh hi, water! you look awful high!


so you walk around to where your car is parked and you see firemen literally taking buckets of water out of a car for the owner. then you see your car. and you are so happy you have a gas guzzling, environment hating, suv. (woot woot) cause the water didn't get high enough to get IN your car. but boyfriend still had to take off his shoes and socks to wade through the wetness to get the car. he is amazing.



the end. :)

it's all downhill from here

last week was crazy for me. i was home late everynight and i saw the midnight screening of new moon (omg, i almost typed full moon. ha) on thursday night.. then i was in LA friday for work and spent the rest of the weekend there (cause really, why the hell would i leave?).

i came home yesterday and while lounging in bed talking.. boyfriend said to me, "you know what i just realized?......


you talk..


a lot."

we've been together for SIX years and he's just now realizing that i talk a lot??

either it takes him this long to get annoyed with my personality traits, or um.. he's not very perceptive.

girl trip, GIRL trip, GIRL TRIP!!!!

i'm in the middle of planning a girl's trip. oh, you already knew that. what gave it away? ha. it's nothing major, just a few days away at a girlfriend's house in arizona. and the trip is still a few months away, but still.. i am SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

i definitely do not do things like this enough. hell, i never fucking do things like this. or at least i feel like i never do. boyfriend goes away A.LOT. and by a lot, i really mean, a freaking lot. and in all honesty, i don't care. i am totally the girlfriend that doesn't care how often you leave (for the most part) because i enjoy being alone. you being gone for a weekend means that i get to be alone with myself or alone with blake for the weekend. and i totally enjoy that. i'm really starting to think that my independant nature is almost a problem. but that's a post for another day.

so anyway, boyfriend goes away all the fucking time, and i never do shit. and i want to get away more. i want to do things with friends, but it's hard. it's tough to coordinate schedules enough to get away at the same time. it's hard to leave your families. it's hard to not feel guilty while doing it. but we need this. women need time away with other women.

i seriously can't wait. once that ticket is booked i'm going to be counting down the days. i feel like i just don't do anything like this enough at all. and in all honesty, i think i want to start trying harder to schedule things in just for me. i need that balance. we all do.

so what about you? do you do girl trips? do you do anything for yourself?

washington!

we just got back from our weekend in washington. it was really nice and fun. and tiring. i'm freaking exhausted. went to pike's market and saw them THROW FISH! that was awesome. blake loved it! i was just happy they caught it. fish guts probably wouldn't be pretty.


and we saw all sorts of peppers on display. washington people, do you put these up in your house or what? do you buy something like this and then randomly take out peppers to cook with each time you need one until your display is all lopsided and looks terrible? i'm sort of confused with the whole concept of pepper art.


but i'm not confused with the amazing produce that is grown.. holy crow- delish!!! and so freaking colorful and bright!


we rode a gold pig. we are amazing.


we went up in the space needle, which was cool, but also a lot like being up in the empire state building. the elevator ride up is pretty nutty though- it's glass so you can see yourself going up up up up and up. eeeeek


we went to the locks, which was by far my most favorite thing to do. the fish ladder that was there was the neatest thing ever. watching salmon and other fish swim upstream was the shit! i don't know why i loved it so much, i just thought it was really cool. i took lots of pics of the fish trying to swim upstream, but all i got were splashes and water.. no fish.


blake tried his first oyster. and then he tried about 5 more. he spit every one of them out until he figured out just exactly what part of it he liked, and what he didn't. it was entertaining.


the boys went out in the family yacht. this thing cracked me up. and i also prayed the whole time that they wouldn't die.


they didn't. so i shopped in this cute little coastal town that i sort of fell in love with and i took pictures of things.. cause i like to take pictures of things.








we went to buy some seafood fresh from this amazing little shop right on the water (apparently dirty jobs did a show there! hi mike rowe!!!) and of course, i went and laid on the train tracks and took some pics. **no jennster was actually harmed in the taking of these pictures**


we ate amazing food. we saw incredible things. we had great quality family time. and we stole the neighbors dog. it was a great trip.

introspective

i've been really introspective lately. i'm not sure i'll even write fully about my thoughts at this point. probably because they aren't complete. my thoughts are definitely a work in progress. but i've been thinking about the way i live my life. and i've been seeing how things are very self imposed. what i mean is that i have things in my life that i think makes it more difficult to relax and just enjoy living. things that i've chosen to have in my life at this point, that have forced me to have to live a certain way... do certain things.. give most of my personal time to a job when the person that needs it at most, ends up being the one who sees me the least.

i know a lot of us do that, but the thing is... we don't have too. we choose too.

buying a house that was "affordable" by california standards, but still has an unbelievable monthly mortgage puts pressure on me and boyfriend that i can't even begin to express. we didn't have to do that, but we chose too. has it made our life any better to have this house? has our quality of life gone up from home ownership? in all honesty, i don't think so. all it's done is take the majority of my money and make me feel trapped and pressured on a daily basis. putting ourselves in a situation where we are "required" to bring home a certain amount of money each month just to pay for where we live has affected everything else in our lives.

and it's weird because sometimes i'm torn.

i seem to be fully aware that we have brought this upon ourselves. and so when i think about accepting change into our lives- to achieve more balance- home ownership (at least in this state for the most part) seems to be the first thing that needs to go... unless we want to continue this vicious cycle. and trust me when i say that, it is vicious. i don't know. i'm just thinking about lots of things lately.. unsure about some of them.. questioning others..

like i said, it's a work in progress..

proof that i'm crazy while sleeping

listen to this fucked up dream i had the other night. i am a crazy bitch. i mean, literally.

so boyfriend and i are at some random house and the freaking guy from twilight is there and apparently i'm going to be having sex with him. there's a bedroom with 2 beds in it and we're going in there, and boyfriend is going to sleep in the other bed. and i'm complaining telling them that i'm not going to fuck this guy if boyfriend is sitting right next to me the whole time.. that's messed up... he should at least go in the OTHER room and leave me alone!

well then i had to go take buffy (yes, the vampire slayer) to her friends house so that boyfriend could sleep in her room and that ended up taking all night. i was driving back FINALLY getting to screw this guy when the sun was coming up. well boyfriend meets me outside and is talking about how he thinks he had an affair. i was like "what do you mean you THINK you had an affair?!?!" and i was losing my shit. he said it wasn't physical at all, but he would talk to this chick for hours... basically some sort of emotional bullshit. but he was telling me that it wasn't even about him- he would listen to her all the time... and now she was going crazy saying that she was going to tell me all about her and whatever. so i asked how old she was. and he said "19." and i was like "WELL OF COURSE SHE IS GOING TO GO CRAZY! SHE IS A STUPID 19 YEAR OLD GIRL!!! SHE IS PROBABLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND THINKS YOU TOTALLY LED HER ON AND SHE PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO SPLIT UP WITH ME SO YOU GUYS CAN BE TOGETHER!! YOU ARE SO STUPID! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS WITH SOMEONE SO YOUNG AND STUPID?!?!?"

and i was pissed.off.

HA! i love how boyfriend is the devil in this, and my fucking some other guy (which never ended up happening) is totally fine and normal.

what crazy dreams do you have?!

don't be the stupid girl at the bar

this past weekend boyfriend and i went out with our new best friend. we went to a local bar where we of course ran into about 300 thousand people that boyfriend went to high school with. is it just me, or is that shit fucking annoying? i seriously hate it. doesn't anyone freaking MOVE?!?!?! in all honesty though, if we were in my hometown, the same thing would happen. that doesn't make it any less annoying (or maybe it would because they would be my friends and i'm a hypocritical bitch sometimes?) moving on....

there was this potentially really cute girl at the bar. i say potentially cause i am 99.9% positive that she injected collagen into her lips, so then i kind of couldn't stop staring at her face because it was like this mash up of weirdness on what was supposed to be cuteness. public service announcement to all, already really cute women: don't inject shit into your lips when your face is already perfectly fine. because all that stuff in your mouth is going to do is make your entire face look all out of wack and people will stare at you, not because you're cute, but because they're trying to figure out why the hell you look so fucking odd.

so weird face came up to the 3 of us and asked if we had seen her passport. she lost it and was totally freaking out. well the guys wanted to fuck with her, so they started asking her questions like "what does it look like?" and "what language is it in?" ha! so then either boyfriend or new best friend asked her what country the passport was from. like, what was the country of issue. to which she went off on some freaking tirade and said things like, "it is from the united states of fucking america! what do you think? i am WHITE! do you see me? i am white! hello! white people are from the fucking united states! DUR!!!"

we were all dying. so then we started naming all the other countries where she could be from and you know..... still be white. we're not sure she got it because she still ranted on about her passport being from the US, and her being white.. and apparently we hold the corner on white people.

so what have we learned today?

the fundamental difference between me and boyfriend

boyfriend and i were listening to this song on the radio the other day (okay, i was listening to it and he just happened to be in the room)... i was singing along to some of the lyrics...

Baby, u know that I miss you
I wanna get with you
Tonight but I can't now baby girl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

and then boyfriend goes: "so he's in jail?"

to which i responded with, "in jail? i don't know, i kind of always just thought he was at work and he'd see her when he got off."


i think this says it all about our personalities.

is this how we're raising our kids?

i'm somewhere between horrified and disgusted right now.

i got a seething text from boyfriend last night talking about a lady who was telling her kids that he was a "redneck, hick, dipshit." of course i never take anyone at their word, so i did what i always do... told him to tell me the whole story. asked what really happened. because i can't believe that someone would say something like that about someone they don't even know. but that's just because i believe for the most part that people are genuinely good hearted and not fucking judgemental assholes. *stop laughing, it's true. i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt FAR more than they ever deserve. if you really knew me, you'd know that about me.*

basically, the jist of the story is this. boyfriend has some stickers on his truck. and apparently one of the ladies kids asked her what one of the stickers meant. the mom (not knowing that boyfriend was IN his truck and could hear everything she was saying) told her son that people who had that sticker were losers. they were idiots who liked guns and liked to shoot things. that sticker made him a stupid ass hick... a redneck... and a dipshit.

listen, i hate guns and i'm not here to get into an anti/pro gun discussion. that is not what this post is about. and trust me when i tell you that that is a whole other can of fucking worms i am not ready to discuss.

my whole point is that is this what we're teaching our kids? is this how we're raising them? to call people who have different beliefs and opinions slandering names? do we really tell our kids that someone who likes guns is a loser and an idiot, without even knowing a single fucking thing about who they truly are as a person? we completely judge based upon a sticker they have on their truck now? that one sticker defines everything about that individual? granted, i think that if you put certain stickers on your car, people are going to judge you based on them. people are going to form an opinion about you. i know that i do when i see stickers on people's cars declaring their political or religious beliefs. i usually roll my eyes and think that type of shit belongs at home, not on a driving billboard. (that's why all my stickers are surf ones. you can form the opinion that i'm beachy, surfery, and belong in the water. in so cal. and that i'm awesome. and you'd totally be right. about all of those!)

moving on...

i'm just horrified that someone who would have that opinion, would pass it along to their child. i'm really not offended (or maybe surprised is a better word) that someone thinks that about boyfriend's sticker, or that they personally have that opinion and those thoughts. BUT can't you explain something you don't like or believe in in a non-offensive way to your child? does it have to be in a way that totally assassinates my husband's character and lumps him into 1 large group of dumbasses? i mean, that's where it's really sad. because we influence our kids. our beliefs become their beliefs. and that lady just basically gave her kid the okay to completely judge someone based on a sticker. and she also told him it was okay to call him names without knowing him. and i just don't get how that is right? how is that okay?

and what if her kid KNOWS my kid?!?? is that kid going to go up to blake and say "my mom said your step dad is a stupid ass hick." blake would be like, "what the heck does that even mean?!??!"

the best part? we will most likely see this stupid bitch (yes i'm calling her names without knowing her) at the baseball field. and i can't fucking wait.

xmas party pics!

the theme this year was winter carnival and it was super fun and cute! there were carnival games! and snow!! and SNOW CONES! and COTTON CANDY!!! and caricature drawings! and ice stuff- like an ice bar with shots in ICE shot glasses! that was super cool (drink the blue shot, not the red shot). and a chair made out of ice that you could sit on and get wet and freeze your arm off if you accidentally leaned on it while you took your picture. and a ride!!! a ride that you would totally puke on if you were drunk enough (i wasn't). this is the one party a year that i really look forward to and love from work. so yeah....

the post where boyfriend wins

last night in bed boyfriend was like "you don't blog about me anymore.." or something like that. which of course made the song "you don't sing me luuuuuuv songs.. aneeeeeee mooooooore.." pop into my head. so then i sang it out loud to boyfriend but i changed the lyrics a bit to be more, you know, appropriate... "you don't write me blog posts.... aneeee mooooooore.."

so then i asked him what the hell he's done lately that i should be blogging about? and he responded with "i dunno." great. great blog fodder buddy. i think he wants me to tell you all that for the past 5 days he has been ripping apart the backyard. cause he has. and he rented an excavator. which is not to be confused with an escalator, cause heaven forbid you wear pants too long and you stay on that thing all the way to the tippy top and then you don't step up and your pant leg gets caught in the escalator re-router part thingy and you die. right, he didn't rent one of those. he rented an excavator. and he's been excavating things left and right. he looks hot (and funny) on the stupid thing. so there. now i've told you what he's been doing. and i think that's all he wanted. recognition for doing manly work? but really, what's the point when you don't have pictures? am i right? of course i'm right. so there are no pictures to go with this post about how manly and excavatey boyfriend is. this post is already loading up to be quite the winner.

so boyfriend wins. here is a post about him. i hope he's happy. maybe if he started showering me with diamonds, or bought me really extravagant things, i could braggily post about them on this here blog. but that would be obnoxious, no? yeah. it would. and he's really not the type to do that kinda shit. and maybe i'm really not the type to want that kinda stuff. ha. who am i fooling?

i'm done now. gratuitous boyfriend blog post is now officially over. commence normal, more entertaining life now. thanks.

what it's like in our bedroom

boyfriend: i'm so happy you don't piss me off.

me: huh? what are you talking about?

boyfriend: like i never get really mad at you. you don't do shit that makes me mad, you know.?

me: oh. well i'll definitely try harder then.

boyfriend: *insert a ridiculous amount of super sweet and thoughtful compliments here*

me: you just want a blow job don't you?

why my neighbors are kind of assholes

and why i hope they read this blog.

boyfriend has always had a dog. the dog lived with his parents since we never had the space or room to keep her. once we bought the house, we started working on making it liveable for her. last sunday, we picked her up for good.

boyfriend and i both work all day, so our dog has to stay outside. well apparently she's been barking all.day.long. obviously she is getting used to being home alone all day and it's a new house, without her other dog friend, etc. on day 3 of her being with us, we came home to a note from our neighbor. not a neighbor we know, or have ever met. the note was letting us know that our dog was barking and whining all day long. i appreciated the note. truly. i mean, i'm not home so how am i supposed to know that the dog is barking all day if no one tells me? i really don't want her to be a nuisance like that in any way, shape, or form, so i appreciate the heads up so that i can fix it. you know? anyway, the note was perfectly fine until the bitch wrote "your dog is miserable! you only have her on the side yard, and maybe if you gave her the run of the entire backyard she would be happier."

excuse me? i just found it so fucking rude and judgemental. who is she to tell me where to keep my dog? do you think she stopped to think that our backyard is trashed right now? that it's full of nails and wood splinters from taking up the deck? that we don't want her running around back there cause it's totally trashed and she could get hurt? what about the fact that she isn't good with other dogs.... and that the neighbor behind us has a dog who likes to bark and put his face through any hole in the fence? and that the fence doesn't seem really secure so we're worried that something might happen and the dogs would end up getting at eachother and fighting. ever stop to think about that lady? nope, you just wrote your note full of judgement telling me what to do with my dog, cause you're obviously bored and home all day and need to get a fucking hobby. apparently you and your other 2 nosey biddies were looking into our backyard and talking to our dog. how do you know our dog even likes people??? seriously. what if she would have tried to bite you or something cause you felt the need to look into our backyard? i'm sure that would be our fault too, right?

it just sucks because i realize that having our dog bark incessantly all day long is not okay. boyfriend and i don't want her to do that. we want to fix the problem, but we also realize that at the time it had been THREE days since she moved in with us. give her at least a week to get adjusted, right?

icing on the cake? we got a notice in the mail from animal control that there had been a noise complaint about her barking. we don't think it was from the same ladies who wrote the note (cause why would they write a note and then call the cops the next day?). logically, we think it was our next door neighbor. which once again, is totally fine and we get the fact that it is shitty that she won't shut up. but why not just come talk to us about it? especially if you live next door to us. you, of all people, know that we haven't had a dog the entire time we've lived here. you have to know that we JUST got one. and you can't even give it a week? you call and complain on day 4 of us having her? fuck people, i get it. it sucks that she won't shut up. but you can't even come talk to us in person? let us know she's barking? let us know she's bugging you. i mean, what the hell?!?!

why i feel like the kid from a christmas story

remember how he wanted the red rider bb gun thing and he would say it really fast and his parents would be like... "but ralphie, you'll shoot your eye out!!!!"

well i feel like him cause for once in my freaking life, i actually know what i want for my birthday!!!!! i'm the worst. boyfriend always asks what i want for my birthday and for christmas and i always reply with "i don't know.." cause i really don't. i mean, when i want something, i don't normally wait for a fucking holiday to get it. i buy it myself. cause i have no patience and well, when i want something- i want it. (we can all thank my father for that trait) so when it comes down to a gift giving time, i never know what i want. i have everything. or if there is something i want, hell if i can remember what it is. this is why boyfriend should take notes. like when we walk somewhere and i go "oooh, i like that! i want it!!!" he can buy it... and i'll be excited! not only cause he got me that, but because i'll also have forgotten that i liked it and wanted it in the first place, so it will be like a double treat! i mean, that's what girls do. guys casually mention wanting something or liking it- next thing you know, they have it. why? cause we're awesome.

so this year. i know what i want. i finally give boyfriend a detailed description of the perfect gift.. i want a 7-speed raleigh beach cruiser with white wall tires (i really wanted the mint green, but it comes with a brown seat and brown on part of it and i don't like the way it looks.. so then i really wanted the yellow, but i'm not sure they even make yellow. my sister said they did, but i can't find a picture of a yellow one anywhere, so i think she may have been lying to make me cry. you know how big sisters are. so i'm going to have to copy my neice and get the blue and white one which goes against everything i am because i hate copying anyone with anything and i loathe being copied.... *sighs*)!! so i tell him what i want. down to the color. and he questions me on it! "are you sure?" "my sister said that we can get you one that you can trick out and detail just the way you want for the same price." and i'm like dude- i don't want to "trick out" my bike. i just told you what i wanted. you complain all these years that i never know what i want, and now that i know exactly what i want, you try to talk me out of it?! i can't win here!!




ps- i know boyfriend is just trying to be super sweet and helpful and give me lots of options. but this post is far more fun if i pretend to not acknowledge that part of things and just bitch.

taking love for granted

i drive to work every morning and it's during that alone time (pretty much the only alone time i have throughout the entire day) that my head starts to swirl with all sorts of thoughts. i think about things i'd like to blog about... i remember certain times, have lots of conversations with myself in my head.. etc. i've been meaning to write about this, but it's like once my alone time is over, so are all my thoughts. at least in any cohesive manner.


there are plenty of times when i feel like i'm not so nice to my husband. and i wonder why he puts up with me? why he continues to be nice to me when i'm not so nice to him. and then i also think that my god, if he said to me some of the things i say to him, i'd be really hurt, or mad, or upset, or something. and then i ask myself why i treat him that way? and i don't have an answer. i obviously don't want to intentionally hurt him. i don't want to be mean to him. i don't get joy from being a bitch. sometimes i think just being a bitch comes so easily to me it's hard to stop it. i know that's not really an excuse. i just don't have the answers. maybe i'm stressed out at work? maybe i'm upset that i feel like i have a lot of pressure when it comes to things financial in our household? maybe i'm more upset about other things than i realize? maybe everything with my dad affects me more than i choose to acknowledge? i truly don't know. but i don't like it when i'm mean. at least when i'm mean for no reason (because being mean for a reason is totally acceptable, ha). i wouldn't want to be treated that way. you know? so i've got to work on that. stop being mean just to be mean. check. stop being a bitch when he doesn't deserve it. check. (and please don't think i'm mean all the time and oh poor boyfriend.. it's not that. i just feel like i'm meaner than necessary and i truly, don't mean to be.. i'm just aware of it and i want it to stop.)

i think it's so easy to get caught up in your day to day activities that you stop appreciating what you have. who you have. i mean, i love my husband. but there are days, not when i forget that (i never forget that), but that i just don't stop to think about it. no, that's not it at all. it's that i don't stop to tell him just how much i truly love him. i take it for granted. i take him for granted. like he doesn't need to hear how much i love him. like he should just know. and that's not right.

because i remember the times when him and i were seperated by distance. when we dated and he was in northern california and i was in southern. i remember when all we had was phone calls and the occasional visit that never last long enough and never came again soon enough.

you wanna do what tonight? ha!

boyfriend likes to do things to me that i find annoying. you know, like teasing, poking, tickling, telling jokes to other people at my expense, roughhousing... annoying.shit. at this point i'm pretty convinced that most guys do this to their women. i'm also pretty convinced that while they say it's endearing, i'm not really sure what the hell it is.

so we were in bed the other night, and i don't know what the fuck he was doing to me, but he had me all like in a pretzel so that none of my body parts could move. and then the fucker tickled me! and while i'm in the middle of screaming something like, "you can't have me on lockdown and then do something that you know is going to make me squirm because someone is going to get hurt.. and OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

so anyway, i'm sitting there dying because i did something all screwed up to my back and it hurt when i breathed, moved, or just layed there. i think i pinched a nerve under my shoulderblade. the best part? boyfriend is like, "are we gonna do it?" and i'm like.. "what? are we gonna do it? are you crazy? no we're not gonna do it, but so help me god if i cannot work out tomorrow you are going to be in so much trouble!!!!!"

glad to know i have my priorities straight. working on my fitness obviously can.not.wait. sex with my husband apparently can.


suck it.

another "should i have another kid" post

even though i pretend i don't think about it.... i think about it. i mean, i don't obsess about it. but i definitely think about it. at least once a month. probably more. and the thing is- it's not that i really even WANT another kid. i mean, i know that sounds terrible and most likely isn't how i mean it at all.... but it's just that getting pregnant and having that belly doesn't really appeal to me. and then trucking around shitloads of baby gear to do even the simplest of things, doesn't appeal to me either. the bottles, the diapers, the baby bag, the stroller, the car seat, the everything. *shudders*

but then i think about blake. and how he's already 10 years old. and he's an only child. and while he's one hell of an amazing kid- he's still all alone. and i think of how badly that sucks. and how boyfriend and i both have brothers and sisters who are 8 and 10 years older than we are. and how even with that gap in years between us, we are totally close with them. and i know that even if blake was 12 years older than his brother or sister, it wouldn't matter. i'm sure that for a period of time, it would matter- but eventually it wouldn't. it makes me really sad to have blake be an only child. i know how badly he wants to be a big brother. i know how wonderful and caring of a big brother he would be. he deserves a sibling. and they deserve to have him.

i also have a few friends who were only children. and these friends are amazing, wonderful, caring (not selfish) people. but every single one of them wants to have more than one kid. they stress how crappy it was to be an only child. i think they mean that it would have been nice to have a brother or sister. someone to bitch about mom and dad with. someone that you're bonded too, no matter what. i actually don't know what was so crappy about it. but they all say the same thing.

and so i kind of freak out every once in awhile. i kind of freak out that blake is really missing out. or that he will because he will be "alone" forever.

were you an only child?? was it awful? do you only have one kid? do you want more? talk to me people...