i want all his days to be happy

i know it's not realistic.

and it's probably stupid to even think that i want this (because then how will he ever learn anything in life? grow? become determined? learn that life isn't fair and you have to work really hard for the things that you want? get focus? find strength? etc)... but the mom part of me really wants to protect my son from anything that could ever hurt or disappoint him in life.

i know it's dumb.

but really, am i the ONLY parent who's ever wanted to wrap their kid up in emotional bubble wrap that's coated with golden retriever puppies who never poo or pee in the house and always stay little? fine. i might be the only mom who's wanted to do that, exactly. but i'm sure i'm not the only parent who wishes she could spare her kid some pain.

i wonder if part of my want is based on the fact that it really.fucking.hurts when shitty things happen to your kid.

when they get let down, stepped on, treated unfairly or poorly, or when they have to sit by and watch part of a dream walk away- i feel like it hurts me a thousand times worse when it's something that's happening to him, as opposed to when it's something that's happening to me.

does that even make sense?

i guess the bottom line is, i hate to see my son not get the things he works hard to get. it hurts like hell. and i know it's a part of life, but it's a part that never seems to get any easier. matter of fact, it feels like it's only getting harder.

the let down's seem bigger.

the pain feels stronger.

this part was definitely left out of the mommy handbook. people never tell you the good stuff.

you're welcome.




ps- how are all of you parents with MORE than 1 kid, not complete and utter emotional wrecks all the time? you deserve medals. or cupcakes.

when self defense isn't okay

during the school year this year there were issues between blake and one particular boy. these issues would crop up over and over again.

blake is in 7th grade. or he was. i guess he's officially an 8th grader now? scary.

anyway, this boy felt that it was okay to slap blake in the face on numerous occassions. now i wasn't there, so i have no idea how hard the slap was, or what it was like- all i know is what blake told me. and i assume that the kid probably did like a light smack to his cheek or something. but he did it more than once. he did it far more than a handful of times. and the vice principal of the school was aware this was happening.

well blake didn't like it. i'm sure you're shocked. no really, come slap me in the face... i enjoy you violating my personal space and touching me uninvited.

so near the last day of school, the boy slapped blake again (for seriously probably the 20th fucking time). blake turned and shoved the living shit out of the kid.

i'm not sure how this got to the principals office, but all i know is what came home to me from my son.

blake came home and told me that the assistant principal of his junior high school told him that:

"SELF DEFENSE IS NOT OKAY AT SCHOOL."


i'm just going to sit here for a minute and let you read that line again.




and again.



and then one more time.




self defense is not okay at school.



ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!?


hold on, because now i'm all pissed off and riled up again.


*BREATHES*


okay, look. i understand that a school environment probably isn't allowed to support any type of "violence." i get it. i also get that they have zero tolerance on things. i truly do get that there needs to be rules and safety, etc. i understand that school needs to be a safe enviornment for our kids- I WANT A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR MY KID.

but you're telling me that if someone is sitting there getting the living shit beat out of them... they have to just take it?

they can't defend themselves and punch back.. or kick... or shove.. or do something to stop it?

they just have to sit there and get hit over and over again until that person decides they're done hitting them?

what the fuck, man?! you cannot teach our children that they cannot defend themselves!!!!! moreso, you can't tell them that it "ISN'T OKAY" to defend themselves. and i'm sorry, but i don't consider allowing someone to get hit (and not fight back) a safe environment.

our society has gotten so screwed up somewhere along the way. because how else has DEFENDING your self, become not okay?

if blake defends himself, he'll get suspended. why is my kid getting in trouble for not allowing someone to violate him? when did it become wrong to hit someone back who hit you first? we can't tell everyone to "turn the other cheek" all the time. we can't raise an entire generation of our boys to be giant PUSSIES. cause that's what we're doing.

we're constantly telling them to "walk away..."
"don't fight back.."
"turn the other cheek..."
"find an adult or someone who can help at all costs..."

i just really, really, really, think that mentality is wrong. a

nd if that kid slaps blake again next year, i hope he punches him in the fucking jaw. because maybe then, that kid will stop putting his hands on my son's face.

and when blake gets suspended for DEFENDING himself at school. i'll take his ass out for ice cream or something. because he won't be in trouble at home.

when doorbell ditching goes wrong..

so last night we went to a party. while the parents were in the backyard by the fire pit, drinking, socializing, taking pictures with my phone (ha) etc.... the kids were all out front playing baseball until it got too dark to see the ball and then they started doing what kids do...


ding dong ditching.


sounds harmless, right? but as i walked outside to grab blake to leave... i saw all the kids down by this one house. it was clear to me that they were trying to tell blake to go up to the door, but i yelled blake's name and told him it was time to go.. NOW. he started to walk over to me, but then stopped as one of his friends ran to the door, knocked.. and then ran.


immediately the guy's garage door opened and out he came in his robe. the kids all ran and hid behind a car. the man shouted down the street to the hiding kids to leave him alone. to knock it off or he would call the cops.


and the kids started saying things like, "he's arab.. don't make him mad, or he'll bomb us." and "what? i can't understand you. speak english!!!" and then one of them made some arabic sounding yell/chant.


that set me off. i told those kids that those comments were racist and those remarks were uncalled for and completely not okay. i told them that they were intolerant and harrassing someone was bullshit. blake didn't say a word, BUT he was with a group of boys who all laughed when those words were spoken. no one said a thing about how those words were fucked up... or wrong... or NOT cool...


they just laughed.


"he's an arab" they said. as if that makes it okay to ding dong ditch the guy numerous times throughout the night.


so before i let blake get in the car, i made him go over to the man's house and apologize. and he did, without complaint, hesitation, or reservations. he ran over to the man's garage and told him that he was with the group of kids who kept doorbell ditching and then he apologized. the man was mad. he told blake that this wasn't the first time that this had happened to him. that the kids harass him all the time and he would please like it to stop. he thanked blake for apologizing, but he was clearly not happy.


blake and i walked away and he was visibly upset with tears in his eyes.


i was glad. at that moment, i knew i did the right thing. making him walk over there and apologize for simply being a PART of something..... and then having him hear how upset the man was.... for me, it was the right thing to have my son do.


so when blake and i walked past all of his other friends, i looked at them and said, "aren't you glad i'm not your mom?" to which they all shouted "YES" in unison.


blake didn't think they did anything wrong. at least when it came to the constant doorbell ditching of this guy. and i told him that they were doing it repeatedly to that one person BECAUSE of his nationality. and that it was NOT okay to pick on someone because of what they look like, or how their voice sounds when they speak.


i talked to him about peer pressure and about being the person who stands idly by while your friends do fucked up things (clearly, not in those words). and how even if you're not the one doing the action... or not the person saying the words... you're just as guilty when you stand by and allow it to happen. especially when it's wrong.


i realize that blake is young and he's still learning.. and there is a lot more peer pressure coming his way in life. it's just that i don't want to teach him intolerance. i don't want to teach him to hate. and i want him to know that when his friends do stupid shit (cause they ALL will) that he doesn't have to be a part of it.


so now i'm clearly thinking and affected by what should have been an innocent game of doorbell ditch- i'm horrified at our children.


horrified and wondering if we're raising our kids to be intolerant? are we raising them to hate arabs? i mean, sure.. we're all happy that we finally got osama bin laden... but in our happiness to rid our country of terrorists, are we teaching our kids to think that all arabs are potential enemies? do we speak words of hate so flippantly around them that they don't know the difference anymore?


it just made me think about the whole generation of kids who were barely even old enough to remember what happened on 9/11.... but still harbor all of the hatred and anger in regards to it as if they were standing there the day the towers fell. they are still too young to truly understand everything that happened, yet they clearly have opinions on the subject.


i'm scared that we're raising our kids to hate and be intolerant of one another. to cheer and think it's okay to harrass a neighbor simply based on his ethnicity. to make comments like he might bomb you if you make him mad enough. to think that comments like those are FUNNY.


it's not really that different than how people treated blacks at one point in time? but haven't we learned from all of that? i mean, aren't we horrified as a people now, when we look back at how we treated them then? don't those stories make us sick to our stomach to even think about? don't we shake our heads wondering just how the heck anyone ever thought that kind of behavior was okay? don't we want to be better than we once were?

i always thought so.

or maybe i've just always hoped so.

heartbreak & why being a mom totally sucks

so my son has his first real heartbreak. and i know that he's only 12, and 12 is too young to have a hurt heart... but he has one... and dammit, it's freaking sad.

i hurt for him, because he's hurting. i see that he's sad and doesn't understand what he did "wrong." and i try to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong. that sometimes girls want certain things from their boyfriends, but they don't tell them any of it, until it's too late. i think he just wishes she would have told him what she wanted before just breaking up with him.

but all that aside... can i just say that being a mom totally freaking sucks?! i mean, he's 12. he got dumped. big deal, right? but he's hurt... and he's sad... and THAT MAKES ME HURT FOR HIM!!! and i was sitting there last night, with my heart in pain for my little boy... thinking, how can i hurt this much for him already?! what the hell is going to happen when he has a real girlfriend and really gets his heart broke? how the hell will i live through that?

it sucks so much to see your kid hurting. all you want to do is just swoop inside there and fix the little crack in his heart. i know it's a part of life, and in all honesty.... hurting for love is the best kind of hurt there is... because you learn so much from it. but it's also the most painful. and i just hate that he's in pain.

i hate the way it makes me feel. in pain and helpless. powerless to make it better. knowing that all it will take is time (hopefully he'll be better by today! he is 12 lol) but still, how do all you moms do it? how do you live through the heartache of your kids?

guns.

i am certain i've talked about this before. but it's been awhile. it's time to bring it up again...

do you ask the parents of your children's friends if they own guns? i mean, if your child is going to spend time at someone's house, do you ask?

because i haven't been asking. because i STUPIDLY assume that people don't freaking have guns in their homes. and i also STUPIDLY assume that if they do, they're locked up.

but that isn't always the case. and sometimes, you learn that there are guns in the homes of the people your child spends time with. and also, that those guns aren't locked up. and that the kids who live in the home, know where the guns are, and know how to get them.

i just have to say that i am so thankful to have such an honest, good hearted, smart, rational child. and i'm even more thankful that when a potential deadly situation presented itself in his presence, he had the frame of mind to walk away and tell an adult.

i know we always tell our kids to do just that in those kinds of situations, but i honestly think it's harder to do than we realize. you have to go against what your friends are doing, and "rat" them out. and while i can sit here and say i'd rather blake be a rat, than have a friend dead from a gunshot wound.... it's easy for me to say that because i'm an adult.

i will admit that i don't know the entire story of the guns in the home. maybe they are unloaded. maybe they have trigger locks. what i do know is that they are in a place where kids can get to them. and show them to their friends. and that makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

you?

it gets better.. right?

there has been a lot of talk lately about bullying... specifically about the bullying of gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual kids in high school (and college) that eventually led to suicide, or attempted suicide.

it's awful to think that we are a society who are raising our children to hate other people simply because of who they are. it takes me back to being on the plane this past summer when i was flying back from new york. you all remember the boy scout that i told the importance of kissing well too, right? well what i didn't mention was the conversation(s) we had about gay people (it was relevant and he brought he up). and how he was vehemently against any person being gay. and how he said he'd never be friends with someone who was gay. and how he would know they were gay just by looking at them. i tried to explain to him that it didn't work like that. i tried to tell him that maybe one of his best friends right now was gay. and would he hate that person if he found out down the road that he was? his mind couldn't open enough to even comprehend that possibility. the concept was so "california" of me to even suggest to him. because of course, him being 15 years old, he knew everything and if one of his best friends was gay, he'd certainly know because he'd do something predictable like "talk funny" or "hit on" him constantly. i tried so hard to tell this boy that gay people were in fact, PEOPLE just like he and i were. i wasn't trying to change the entire way he was raised, i just wanted him to see past the prejudice a little and maybe, just maybe, have a small part of him accept that it would be okay if he was friends with someone who was gay.

no dice.

wasn't going to happen. but i tried. i was heartbroken many times during that flight when i spoke to that boy. i don't blame him for how he was raised. and i know that it has a lot to do with his parenting, his community, and his surroundings. i guess it's just so sad to me because i have a 12 year old son that i'm not raising that way at all. and i would hope that if he sat next to some stranger on a plane and that person talked to him about gay people, that he would respond with kindness and an open mind and heart. i can do my part by starting at home with my own son. and do my best to raise him to not judge anyone until you know enough about them to make a judgement. i don't care if he doesn't like someone, but he needs to have a reason for it. blake came home from school not too long ago and told me that he got into it with some older kids because they were picking on a kid with disabilities. he jumped in and shoved the older kids and told them to leave the kid alone.

he made me proud. because he did what was right. and he had the courage to not just watch it happen.... he had the courage to make it STOP. yeah, i think i'm doing okay when it comes to him.

i watched that show on MTV the other day called "if you really knew me"... and it was all about high school kids judging other kids based on how they look or dress. and this one girl was bullied so viciously that she wanted to stop coming to school. and she was only a freshman. i look back at my high school years and i don't remember ever feeling that way. it made me sad for her that she couldn't see past the people yelling at her and calling her names. that she couldn't see that she wasn't the names she was being called. she was better than that. but it's hard to not let things like that affect you. especially when you're that age and what people think of you means the world to your self esteem. it made me sick that the other girls calling her names, got off on making her cry. they loved the power and control they had. they enjoyed watching her crumble publicly. why is that?

and then apparently, when the school administrators are made aware that bullying is going on- many parents say the same thing- "the administrators say it's just normal teenage name calling and it will blow over." does that excuse fly when your child was bullied to the point
of killing themselves?

we have to remember that these kids are just that- they are still kids. they can't see past what is currently going on in their insecure, all about them, minute by minute bubble of a world. they can't see that tomorrow might get better. they can only see and think that tomorrow will be just the same as it was today. or maybe worse. they don't tend to see things as glass half full. it's glass half empty all the way. and the thought of things EVER getting better, when you have 3 more years of high school torturing to go??? i'm sure just the thought of 3 more years of trying to get through something seems impossible to them. they think they'll never be able to handle it. they can't project to a time when they are grown up, and working, and loving whoever they want to love, and they are surrounded be people who love and accept them. they can't get that far!!!

the administrators need to get involved. they HAVE to stop the bullying. it's not okay to make other people want to stop coming to school. or want to end their life. we can't just sit by and watch this happen to our youth.

i don't have the answers, but like i said... i'm starting at home. with my son... and his friends. whenever the opportunity arises for me to say something that will influence them positively and lovingly, i do it.

it's not that bullying or judging will ever go away completely. hell, even as adults we judge each other. right or wrong, we all have different opinions and thoughts....

it's just that school should be a safe place for our children to go- NO matter who they are. they should have a place that is safe and protected where adults are on their side. and the problem is, that's not what school feels like for those people at all.

it's hell. and they HAVE to go.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0OeSs870ys&feature=player_embedded

am i the only one raising a mannerless heathen?

cause i really need to know.

my kid totally has a problem with inviting himself to do things with people:
sleeping over
hanging out
swimming
eating
going places

you name it- that kid can constantly be heard saying "can i come?" "can i spend the night?" "see if i can come with you."

it drives me freaking nuts.

i try to tell him over and over to WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE INVITE YOU... or don't ask to spend the night ... BE ASKED.

you know?

but it doesn't seem to sink in. and i just don't know if it's a kid thing- or if it's a MY kid thing.

and that's when i come to you, dear nets of inter. tell me he'll grow out of it and he just doesn't get the whole "be invited" thing yet. tell me it's normal and natural and has nothing to do with my amazing and wonderful parenting skills.

good lord, just tell me something.

i think this is when it all starts to change...

in a couple of weeks, my little boy will be 12 years old. all i know is that my child keeps getting older and i just keep getting hotter. thank the goddess. ha

(this is him last week when he graduated/promoted from 6th grade.. it's all funky cause i needed to blur out the random kid standing next to him.. but doesn't he look so cute?!?)


next year he starts junior high school. and i am terrified that this is where i start losing him. his attitude is already changing. he's definitely getting more sassy and snappy and backtalky. i think that junior high is where it all starts going downhill. everything you've tried to keep them from, they find out about. everything you don't want to be around them, will be around them. or at least they'll be exposed to it.

it's scary.

and i think he's going to change. and i don't want him to change. at least i don't want him to change in a negative way, you know? ugh. all of this growing up makes me want to throw up. when is he going to stop wanting to hang out with me? this year, huh?

i can't take it. i want it to be like this forever...


can i pay him to like me?

6th grade camp

blake leaves for camp on sunday. he goes away for almost an entire week!!! it's pretty exciting and i am super stoked for him. it's also a little weird because i didn't go to camp for a week when i was a 6th grader. but it seems like i'm the only one who didn't.

i'm trying to be super positive and happy for him because i don't want him freaking out at all. a week is a long time to be away from your family, sleeping in the woods with a bunch of camp counselors and all your friends.

actually, writing that out loud sounds all sorts of awesome.

except the sleeping in the woods part. aside from the fact that everything about this camp is like my worst nightmare (hiking, sleeping outdoors, hiking, the woods, sleeping outdoors in the woods).. it's right up blake's alley and i think he's going to have the best time ever.

i was definitely freaking out about this whole camp thing until i went to a meeting about it. going to that meeting calmed all my nerves. seeing where they sleep and seeing the activities they do and stuff- it gave me reality to something i couldn't relate too at all before.. you know, since i had never gone to camp as a kid. so before that meeting, i was like.. this is crazy!!!! he can't go away to camp with strangers for a week!!! how is this safe!?!?! do the girls and boys sleep together?!?!! omg, can they sneak out?!?!! this is madness!!!!!

yeah, i was freaking out.

but now? i'm chillin.

he's not allowed to call us, unless it's an emergency. i think it's probably better that he can't call. and he can write letters if he wants. i told him just to have fun and that i won't care if he writes me or not. i'll write him once probably, but i think that he should just have fun, make friends, and have incredible adventures! i just don't want him to come back a person i don't recognize anymore. eeeeek. i guess i'm still a littler freaked out.

do your kids go away to camp?? did you?? and.. how was it?

and while we're on the topic of kids invading our personal web space

how do you handle your kids facebook?

do you friend them? or do you just ask for their username and password so you can stalk them appropriately whenever you want too?

i have accepted my son's friendship request. ha. but i don't want to be friends with HIS friends. but all those little shits request me on facebook.

what the hell?? we're not friends. do i need to create a new account to be fake friends with my kids friends? do i really friend them when they're older?

talk to me people.

and if your kids aren't old enough to play online.. they will be someday and so what do you THINK you'll do?!?!

do your kids read your blog?

i know for a lot of you bloggers out there, your kids are way too young to read your blog and this probably isn't even in your realm of thinking for the moment...

but my kid? my amazingly sweet and sensitive boy? well he's almost 12. and while he doesn't read my blog.... that doesn't mean that he's not getting to the age where he might start? or where his friends might start?!?!!

i mean, does that happen?

i have been thinking a lot about that lately. that blake is getting older. next year he'll be in junior high school and i feel that that is when everything is going to change. and even though blake does and says a lot of stuff that i want to write about here... i don't. i tend to stop myself because i don't think at this point that it's fair to him to write about certain topics without at least asking him.

i know that yvonne asks her kids before writing anything.. at least the older ones, right? so even when there are things she wants to share and write about, she doesn't because they may not want her too.

i think that's the way to go as the kids get older. at least for posts involving them.

BUT.. then that brings me to this next question. what about the shit we write about ourselves?!? the super personal stories, experiences, etc. do we start to censor ourselves as our kids get older because then it's not about what our kids friends read about our kids... it's what our kids friends read about US!! i mean, really.

24 at heart... yoo hooo... do your kids read your blog? do your kids friends read your blog?!

that is where i'm at now. wondering if our kids friends ever read our blogs and then make fun of, or use it against our kids?!?

this growing up thing is hard. what do you think? what do you plan on doing as your kids get older?

sometimes i'm a really crappy mom

mom guilt.

human guilt.

it never ends.

yesterday we were at a bbq at a friends house. apparently while blake and some other boys were in the hot tub, swearing ensued. i got 2 versions of what happened (naturally). there was blake's version of what he did and did not say. and then there was another kids version of the same events. and in all honesty, i believed the other kid.

i believed the other kid over my own child, who has proven to me many times over that he lies VERY seldomly.. i believed what the other kid told me because i assumed that blake was trying to stay out of trouble. i didn't believe blake because i thought he was lying. i just figured he didn't want to get in trouble, so he wasn't telling me the whole truth. i mean, we're talking blake looking me in the eye saying he said one thing, and the other kid looking me in the eye saying blake said something else. then blake saying, "i know what i said!" and the other kid saying, "well i know what i heard!"

and i sided with the other kid.

but you know what?

blake was telling me the truth. and i only found out after i talked to a freaking adult who heard everything. (i should have done that in the first place) and what i found out was that the other kid wasn't telling the whole truth. that kid lied to my face... for whatever reason?!?

so then i apologized to blake. and i told him that i was sorry for not believing him. and that i thought he wasn't being completely honest so that he would stay out of trouble. and you know what? blake was hurt. because he wasn't lying. because he was being honest with me... and i chose not to believe him.

and he should have been hurt. i totally understand it. and i feel terrible about it. and i wonder why we can't be perfect parents all the time? why did i choose to believe some other kid over my own? what does that say about me? why didn't i think that blake was telling me the truth? why did i assume he was lying to stay out of trouble? maybe it's because i thought the other kid had no reason to lie to me....

all i know is that today? i feel terrible about it still. my heart weighs heavy and i just feel badly. ah, being a mom...

late to the party, per usual

blah blah.. dooce got invited to the white house for some working mom panel thing (can't you tell i'm totally caught up on this subject?!).. i'm always the last to know about this stuff.

look, in my opinion.. here is the bottom line:

heather is not your typical person. she makes a living from blogging. and a pretty damn good one at that. that's not something the majority of bloggers will ever achieve. the way she makes her money, is not normal.. hence, she is not a typical working mom.

i understand why people are upset, or are questioning why she got invited to the white house to represent working moms.

the thing is, when people think of working moms, they don't think of her. i think people tend to think of people they can relate too. people who do the same types of things they have to do. people who take their kids to daycare, clock in and out, report to someone else, fight traffic to get home in time for ball games or dinner, miss dinner, etc. i think as human's, we think of people who are like us.

it's kind of like in the same way when people talk about the typical blogger, and bloggers get upset when heather gets chosen to represent them. because nothing about heather and the business she has created is typical in any way. therefore, the typical blogger can't and doesn't relate to her.

but my problem is.....
why can't heather accept or see that? why does she have to write a blog post complaining about how hard her life is? and defending how hard she works? and then say she would never treat people the way people treat her... (when i know first hand how UNTRUE that statement is)?

why can't she just say she understands why people think she shouldn't have been invited? why can't she just see the situation from outside her own viewpoint?

in my opinion, it would have been really cool if she had said something like... hey fellow bloggers, i totally see why you don't view me as the typical working mom, but here's why i think i am. or you're right, i'm not the typical working mom, but i totally have work issues too and here's what i plan on talking about from my perspective.

or maybe she's just out of her mind overjoyed at getting an invite at all and doesn't care what it's for or about (cause that would be crazy exciting no)?!

and if that's the case, just say so.

just be honest.

there is something wrong when you constantly feel like people are out to get you, people hate you, they are jealous of you, etc etc. it's not that those people don't exist, but every single person who expresses an opinion different than yours isn't a hater. i'm not writing this post because i'm jealous. i'm writing this post because i'd like people to see that there are other ways to handle these situations. everyone else isn't wrong at the expense of one person being right all the time.

and just because some people don't think heather was a good choice for the panel, that doesn't mean they hate her.. or are jealous of her.. or think she doesn't work hard... she just doesn't fit the mold of who they feel the typical working mom is. and there's nothing wrong with that. the sooner we all figure that out, the better we'll be.

why it's annoying being me and NOT having a job

i kind of don't know how all you stay at home mom's do it. like how you actually clean the house, make all the meals, and do everything else you have to do at home.. all while waiting for the older kids to get out of school.

basically, i feel like i can't do anything during the day. i sit and stare at the clock counting down how many hours i have until blake gets out of school. and it just never seems like enough time to do anything, or go anywhere. before you know it, it's time to go pick him up and i'm sitting here like "where the fuck did the day go?!?!" and even if i do get the time to run a couple of errands or make a couple of phone calls, or heaven forbid actually look for jobs online, it's like it's already past noon and closing in on 1pm... and that phone will ring in an hour or two.. and it's not enough time to start another project, or do anything else!!!!!!! i feel like i am constantly battling against the clock all day long. no wonder people don't get shit done during the day. you're too busy staring at the clock the whole time thinking about how little time you have to do anything... so you don't do much of anything, because how can you?!?!?

clearly i have time issues.

it's freaking annoying.

*deep breath*

to contradict myself from the above thoughts, i will tell you that i have a super hard time just relaxing and doing nothing. i already cleaned and reorganized the cabinets in the kitchen. we all know i counted how many stupid plug sockets need to be swapped out downstairs. i look around at what i could organize and go through and throw away next. it's like i have to be doing SOMETHING, so that it's okay that i'm not working. at least i'm attempting to be productive right (all while staring at the clock)?

i so am not a relaxer. i can't chill. the guiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilt.

even though i know i have completely earned the right to do nothing for a month if i want too. i know that i need to decompress and destress from the hell that was my life for over the last year. i know i deserve it. i just don't know how to do it. and my mom? she called me on monday and sort of yelled at me for sleeping. (in all honesty i'm surprised i'm not in a freaking sleep coma. i seriously thought that the destressing would come in the form of me not being able to wake up for a week or something) she told me that i could relax next week when i was in LA and this week i should be doing shit around the house. i almost lost it. see, cause boyfriend had to give me a lecture on sunday night about how i could sleep all day if i wanted to on monday. that i didn't have to do a damn thing. that it was OK if i sat on the couch and turned into a lush. he had to CONVINCE me that it was alright to be lazy.

then my mom calls and fucks it all up. talking about lists. accomplish one thing a day. what the hell man?!?! i don't need to be motivated. i was a single mom for 7 years, i think i have the motivation thing covered. i'm not a lazy sack who doesn't work for a living. i enjoy working! i love getting out of the house and having a job and making money and kicking ass!! but clearly she didn't have to live with me the last 14 months, or she would have never said that stuff to me. (i know she didn't mean anything cruel or mean by it.. it's just that timing couldn't have been worse and i truly don't need to hear about what i should or shouldn't be doing with my days and time while i am currently unemployed. ya know? i'm sure she was trying to motivate me in her own way, but i don't need help in that department. i'm pretty self motivating and i'm trying to take a break. i think she's just scared i'll turn into this lazy sack who never works again or something.. ) there are days i don't know how i made it through without having an emotional or physical breakdown. it was, by far, the most challenging work experience i've ever had to deal with. i'm just glad it's over.

so here i sit.. at the computer.. typing this message and being fully aware that it's already 10:20 and i haven't done anything today.. and i'm still in my pajama's with no makeup on. and of course, all of those things are driving me crazy and i feel like a sack.

remind me i'm not please. thanks. :)

apparently we're white trash

blake came home yesterday and he was pissed off. he had just gotten into a verbal argument with one of his friends. i think they tend to do this more and more the older they get.. i don't know, it just seems to happen a lot lately.

so he was telling us what happened and then he goes "he called me white trash. what is white trash? what does that even mean???" and i went through a gamet of emotions. all at once i was so sad for my little boy (who is so not little) because he was called a name he didn't understand. and then i was so happy that he had never heard that term before and wasn't familiar with such bullshit name calling. and then i was angry that his friend did know the term and felt the need to spew it onto my kid. and then i was mad some more wondering where the fuck the kid heard it from in the first place? do his parents walk around their house calling people those kinds of names? or did someone at school say it to him? i have no idea where he heard it, all i know is that now he called my kid it.

blake's little face was so sad. he was so confused and angry, but he was hurt at being called that name. and he just didn't understand it. any of it. he told me that once his friend called him that, he responded with, "yeah, whatever that even means. you are too." i had to stop myself from cracking up. i could just imagine his face trying to figure out just what the hell he was just called, and was it supposed to be a bad thing?

but today i'm still a little pissed. i mean, are we teaching and allowing our kids to talk to eachother this way? it's not that far off from calling people racist names. granted, i don't think white trash is the equivalent of some of the other horrifying words people choose to call people of other races. but still. it's offensive. it's meant to be offensive. it's meant to be hurtful. it's not said to be nice. and i'm just pissed off about it. pissed off that at that kids age (10 years old), that's how he talks. and that's how he's talking to my kid. and i don't want my kid to be around assholes who talk this way. and i know i can't control it or stop how other kids speak to my kid, but it still sucks.

i like the fact that blake had no idea what that meant. that he had never heard that term before. i liked that. you know?

why my kid is better than yours

blake is getting a pen pal from africa. i totally remember doing this when i was in school, so i'm excited for him. i think the idea of writing to someone who has a completely different life than yours is beyond interesting- and a great way to introduce to the kids to how people in other countries live.

in his letter he had to talk about his parents and what they did. he wrote, "my mom stays home with the son. she feeds me and punishes me, but i love her anyway."

i read that and cracked up (but i totally do not stay home with him) so i said to him, "blake. i do not stay home with you! why did you write that?"

and he said, "mom.. these kids don't have tv. they have one computer for their whole village. so if i tell them that you work on a tv show, THEY AREN'T GOING TO EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!! what if they don't even know what a tv is? then i have to try to explain what a tv is and then i have to explain about how a show goes on tv and they'll want to know about the show you do then i'll have to try and explain that. and it was just easier to say this instead."

yeah, you try arguing with that.

i'm now officially terrified of high school and think i'll make blake stay home forever. or at least never go in the bathroom

last week when i flew down to la, my plane was FILLED with high school kids. they were flying down there for grad night at disneyland. i loved having a plane full of kids. they were super fun, excited, silly and loud. they were totally full of life so instead of annoy me (like they did to someone else i know) they made my entire flight super fun!! and terrifying.

i talked with the 2 boys who sat next to me the whole flight down. and then the girl in front of us turned around and we started talking about the jonas brothers and hannah montana (i told you i'm really a 15 year old girl inside). and then we discovered that we were both at the same hannah montana concert when billie joe from greenday was there!!! we squeeled. but the boys got jealous. so one of the boys told me that billie joe was his neighbor. and then the other boy got jealous. so then he told me who one of HIS neighbors was. but i had no idea who he was talking about.

the conversation on the plane quickly went from tweets like this:

where i loved them.. and our talk was full of private high schools, getting beaten by nuns, college acceptances to the university of san diego and boulder, learning how to surf, snowboarding year round, and that being an eagle scout meant you learned how to drink and party properly. whatever the hell that means.


to tweets like this:

where they insisted that there were certain bathroom stalls you DID NOT GO INTO because they were the sex stalls. WHAT?!?! sex stalls?!?! fucking gross. that is not only disgusting, but who the hell is having sex in their high school bathroom?!?!? and why??? after i picked my jaw up from off the floor and once i showered in the airplane bathroom, i questioned them more. cause i didn't understand. i mean, were the kids just randomly going into the bathroom and getting it on anytime they wanted?! lunch quickie? ew. but they said that it was happening before school started. that the kids would get there early and do it before school. THAT IS NASTY PEOPLE. and now i'm kind of scared because oh my god, if there was sex going on in my high school bathrooms, i was certainly not aware of it. and i definitely didn't know to avoid any bathroom stalls. hell, i can't even remember going to the bathroom at school. ..... okay, so if all the kids know about the sexy time bathroom stalls, doesn't the fucking school know?!?!! and how do they just allow it to continue?

after being completely horrified, grossed out, and terrified to ever birth another child again, i got a super secret spy business card from one of the boys. oops, i wasn't supposed to tell he was a super secret spy. he said it was a secret. anyway, i hope they had fun. they all graduate tomorrow. i threatened to show up with a sign like i was at a concert for them. but i won't. cause you know, i suck like that.

but at least i don't do it in public bathrooms. GROSS!



ps- if you read my greenday post, i talk about these two "24 year old" girls. i swear to the goddess that one of the girls was the girl on the plane. i immediately asked her if she was with a friend and if she was spazzing out everytime the joe bros came on the stage... and was she wearing a white tank top. she told me that her and her friend were wearing tie dye shirts. i just read my old post.. THEY WERE WEARING TIE DYE. HAHAHHAHA.. i cannot believe i totally made fun of those chicks in my blog and then I MET ONE OF THEM ON MY FREAKING PLANE!!!!!!!! how random is that?!?!!

what am i raising? no seriously

i'm asking here because um...

can i please tell you what else my kid does with his cell phone?! he will take pictures of things around the house that he wants to eat and send them to me. and if i take to long to write him back, he will text me with "yes or no?" so i'll be working, and then i'll get a freaking picture with a girl in pigtails smiling and laughing... and i'll have to decipher just what the hell that picture is even of! (have i mentioned that the camera on that cell is broken so all the pictures are blurry and blobby? well they are.) back to the girl in pigtails.... is that his new girlfriend? some girl in a magazine? what the hell is that? oh, it's the chick on the thin mint box!!! of course. how stupid of me.


the latest? calling his cousin... my 19 year old niece... and telling her that our 10 year old neighbor likes her and wants to meet her. you heard me. LIKES HER AND WANTS TO MEET HER!!! to which my niece is like "blake, that's weird." and blake tells her "do you want to see a picture of him???" which of course he is going to take with his blurry, broken cell phone camera. and she tells him no, she doesn't... but he does it anyway. and she forwards it to me.. and omg, i'm dying laughing because not only does the 10 year old pose for the picture, but he makes like a stupid face where he's rolling his blurry eyes and his mouth is all jacked up. and i don't know how he thinks he's impressing the ladies by making that face, but anyway..


what the hell is wrong with my kid?!?!?!

prank call FAIL!

blake tried to prank call me yesterday. his first mistake? calling my cell phone from his. you know, so it says "blake" is calling me on my phone.

his second mistake? his voice. it was totally blake, just deeper sounding (if that's possible at this age really). which just made me laugh.

his last mistake? not preparing enough for said prank call. he didn't think this through at all! he just dialed and tried to roll with it. i've obviously taught him nothing when it comes to thinking on your feet.

"this is the police."
"the police, eh?"
"yes, you are in trouble."
"really? for what?"
"um.. for being a girl." *giggle*
"blake, what's up?"
"you know it's me? i'm trying to prank call you."

i feel like i've failed as a parent.

how was your mother's day?

was it spent arguing with your 10 year old who argues about EVERYTHING? no? then you obviously aren't me.

someone please tell me the arguing for the sake of arguing will go away. soon. cause i'm exhausted. it takes a lot of energy to fight with your kids dammit. especially when they won't ever be right. how do they not know this?