today we say goodbye to our doggy

when we moved into our new place, we noticed our dog, Tacoma's mouth was filled with blood. we had no idea what was happening until we noticed some huge sore like thing in her mouth. we thought it was just something weird and it would go away.

and we thought it did.  but a few days later, we noticed this big lump like thing on her bottom jaw.

i took her to the vet and he told me that it was a tumor and needed to be removed to find out if it was cancerous or not.

i was shocked. it never even crossed my mind that the thing could be a tumor. i don't know what i thought it was, i just never thought something like that.
so we had the surgery done and the tumor removed. the vet let me know that he thought it was cancer because the tumor had "roots." he told me to keep an eye on her jaw and hopefully it would take months before it grew back and then we'd remove it again.
we hoped for the best.

hoped that the tumor wouldn't grow back anytime soon.

but less than two weeks later, it had reappeared.  and it was larger than the last time.
and everyday since it's reappearance, it's grown in size. we had to make a tough decision. because at the time tacoma was still eating normally and still jumping and running around, wagging her tail.  it's SO freaking hard to decide whether or not to put your dog down when she's acting completely normal!!!!  you know? 

but realizing that the tumor was continuing to grow- and that she was drooling icky puss/blood stuff constantly, bleeding more frequently, the tumor smelled rancid, not to mention the fact that we're going out of town and were really nervous about leaving her in pet care in her situation.... we decided it was best to put her down.  we would hate to be out of town when something happened to her. could you imagine?

since our  decision, she has gone downhill. she is definitely uncomfortable, doesn't feel well and thankfully, she is basically letting us know that we've made the right decision.  and in the right time.

but let me tell you, if you have to put your dog down, waiting any longer than 1 day for your appointment is pure hell. we've known since monday that we were putting her down today. it's been a fucking countdown the entire time.  it's been torturous!  to live knowing "this is the last this" or "this is the last that"....  HORRIBLE. 

it was an awful night last night in our house, and it's going to be an awful evening tonight. it's never easy to lose a friend. and i'm going to miss her so much.  she was a pain in the ass, but she was my pain in the ass.

we love you butts. we'll miss you.  <3
 

holiday's are for grieving

it's that time of year again.

the start of the holiday season. where everyone i know can't stop thinking about the people they've lost. where the days become that much harder to get through. where our thoughts are consumed by the ones we don't have anymore.

and i totally get it.

i do.

it's fucking hard this time of year. it's hard because the entire focus of the holiday's is on family and love and being surrounded by those people you care the most about.

well what if the people you care the most about are no longer living?

then how are you supposed to find your happiness? how are you supposed to be thankful? how are the holiday's supposed to bring you joy, instead of sadness? sometimes it's really hard to see around our grief.... to see through the pain of loss.

for everyone who is struggling this time of year:

i send you peace.

and love.

and the hope that you will find it a little easier to spend your time seeing the people and things you do have in your life. the ones who love us, believe in us, support us, encourage us, lift us up, shape us, etc. instead of the ones you don't.

if we spend the whole day thinking only about what we've lost, then we lose sight on what's right in front of us. we stop seeing the people in front of our eyes when we focus solely on the ones we've lost sight of.

they wouldn't want that.

hell, they don't want that. cause you know they're watching. and when we're nothing but sad, it makes them sad. you know?

anyway, happy thanksgiving everyone.

i hope you have a day that's filled with love. and when you find yourself grieving for those who are gone and you get lost in old memories... don't forget about the ones who are still right there with you, waiting to make new ones.

(i know, i know... so much easier said than done)

fdny, engine 8

i just wanted to share some pictures i took of some firemen back in 2000. i honestly don't know if they're okay, or not- but i'm really hoping that they lived through that september day.

the first time i went to new york

it was december of 2000.

i celebrated new years, 2001 there.

i traveled with friends who had far too much money (and myself at the time a single mom with none) so to say the experience was different is an understatement. i saw things i've never seen since. million dollar lofts in soho... apartments with secret passages and rooms. i seriously felt like i was on an episode of gossip girl- before gossip girl was even created!

it was crazy.

this first trip of mine to new york was also the first time i'd ever seen the twin towers. i remember getting off the subway at the last stop and walking through the mall. i stopped in a small store and bought a light blue candle that had yellow stars and moons carved into it. i remember thinking how weird it was to have a mall underground, but that i wanted something from one of the stores in it.

i swear i remember walking past an express clothing store before taking the escalators up.

my girlfriend took me into the towers. i believe it was tower one that had the observation deck? or maybe that was where you bought the tickets? i think i'm wrong.



i didn't know the difference between them. hell, in all honesty- being from southern california, i had never even HEARD of the twin towers before seeing them. when an LA'er thought of new york, they thought of the empire state building, times square, the statue of liberty, central park... i remember asking my girlfriend what the big deal was about those buildings and she was shocked i didn't know what they were, let alone had never even heard of them before (she was from canada where they know everything! :) ). she gave me a little historical background on them, and while i was impressed with their height, i remember thinking.. eh, they're just buildings. and they're nowhere near as pretty as the empire state building, or the chrysler building (you know, when i wasn't thinking the chrysler building WAS the empire state building).

now of course i miss their beauty desperately.

there had just been a HUGE snowstorm and even if the deck was open, we weren't going to be able to see anything. i remember that the outdoor one was closed and that even though it was after christmas and right before new years, there were plenty of people working in the buildings. i remember meeting one security guard at his desk and taking a picture with him. although i can't find that picture anywhere!!! the inside of one of the towers had huge silver snowflakes hanging all around and i remember thinking how cute it was that this huge building got all decorated for the holidays. we walked through both towers. we saw all the stores in one of the buildings and i remember thinking, there's a tailor here? who buys suits when they're already at work? my girlfriend laughed, and tried to explain to me just how many people worked on wall street, let alone the sheer number in the 2 towers.

i think for some reason i simply just didn't.get.it. like i had no comprehension. maybe because it was the holidays and the buildings were virtually empty. the normal hustle and bustle was something i never got to witness. maybe without seeing it, i couldn't even imagine what it was like on a normal workday there.

i remember we left the buildings, walking through tunnels that connected them, or walkways... i can see everything in my mind, but i just have no idea what everything i'm seeing is.





i went to the empire state building by myself on that trip to new york. i think i waited something ridiculous like 4 hours to go up. but it was worth it for this picture alone...



i came back to the city 4 months later and took this picture from a ferry i was on in May 2001



i had no idea that i'd be seeing those cloud souring towers for the last time...

9/11- 10 years later

no one wants to talk about it.

or they pretend they've forgotten.

the latter makes me mad. how can you forget that day? if you lived through it, witnessed it, watched it unfold on tv, heard cries from your friends on the phone and then watched the news after it all happened... how can you EVER forget that day?

every year, i say the same damn thing- "it feels like it just happened yesterday..."

but the thing is- to me... it does.

i still remember everything i ever felt from that day. hell, i still FEEL the same feelings right now- ten ridiculous years later.

and no, i can't believe it's been 10 years. i can't believe that much time has passed. it should be enough time to at least watch tv shows on the subject and not burst into tears, right? 10 years should be enough time to talk about the day without your eyes welling up, right?

well apparently it's not enough time for me.

because i still can't do any of those things.

i taped a special that i hadn't seen before, called "9/11- where were you" and i asked blake to watch it with me.

i completely forget that he has no real memory of that day. i mean, how could he- he was only 3... and for as obsessed as i was with watching every.single.thing about it on the news, i distinctly remember shielding him from it. he didn't need to see those images frame after frame repeating themselves. he didn't need to be tortured that way i was torturing myself.

so we watched the show and he asked a lot of questions. and he was shocked as certain images and scenes were shown from that day. he constantly said things like, "was that real? was that real footage? oh my gosh, was THAT real? was that plane flying into the building the real plane doing that? did anyone survive? what about the people on the plane... did any of them survive?"

he was shocked. he was horrified. it was as though he was seeing it all for the very first time.

and i cried.

i think this year... i'm going to dig up my new york pictures that i took when i first visited the city in 2001 (before the attacks). they were on real film, so most of you haven't ever seen them before, and i can't remember the last time i looked at them.

i'm going to post some each day- along with my tributes to sal calabra and my birthday twin, leah e. oliver. i know i have some fireman photos in there that i harrassed during my visit. i hope they're all currently living, loving and being loved in return.

until then... never forget. live your life. don't dwell in sadness and horror- but never forget what happened that day and what we lost... as a country, as a people, as a human being.

xoxo

so cal trip!

i went down to so cal last week... which some of you already know because you saw my post about MAKING DONUTS AT A DONUT SHOP AT MIDNIGHT! which seriously, was pretty much the coolest thing ever!!!!!!

and you read about my high school reunion. which again, was ridiculously fun!! a billion times more fun than i ever anticipated it would be! :)

but you didn't see all the other things and people i got to see while i was down there! it was by far the best trip i've taken in a long ass time. i saw SO many people (and not in a rushed way either).. far more than i ever normally see when i head home.

i visited my super fun gf who i have known since we were teenagers!!! we made a reverse oreo with our hot friend franklin.




he was such a good sport and let us dress him up with silly glasses and do stupid things. we <3 you ft!!!!




i left santa monica in my rearview (literally)


and headed over to my most favorite beach ever... (enter malibu, pt dume, surfrider, zuma, etc)


headed home for my reunion, but not before stopping by my sister's house for a quick photoshoot with the fam!






then i headed down to san diego and loved my drive along the coast.


where i spent the night with my high school bff ali and her family. :)






and then i visited my college bff's family and had the best time ever!






what an overwhelming, emotionally satisfying, incredible trip- filled with people i love, adore and cannot believe i'm so blessed to have in my life. :) xoxo

happy summer everyone!

why my high school reunion felt like a wedding

everyone keeps asking me how my 20 year high school reunion was. and the best way that i can explain it is..... that it was like a wedding!!!!

a million people are there.
you don't get to see or even talk to all of them.
the people you do see, you feel like all you got to say to them was "hi" cause you wanted to make the rounds and see everyone!
you end up seeing pictures from the night and you find yourself saying, "THEY WERE THERE?!?! I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM!!!!"
it's exhausting.
overwhelming.
and it goes by TOO fast.

see? total wedding day!!!!!

but it was a freaking blast! in all honesty, i wasn't even super excited at all to go to this thing. i mean, most of us haven't seen each other, or really talked to each other in the last 20 years and so while i wanted to go, i didn't REALLY think i cared if i went or not. with facebook, it sort of feels like that is enough, you know? you see what everyone looks like, you know what they're up to- WHY do you need to see them in real life?

BUT... seeing everyone in person, instead of just online, is SO.MUCH.BETTER!!!!

it was so much freaking fun, i didn't want it to end. from my perspective, it seemed like everyone was just so genuinely happy to see everyone else. no one asked what they did for work, or tried to brag about money, or anything superficial. it was just... total happiness at being with one another, hugging each other, and reconnecting.

seriously, it was the best freaking time ever!!!! and thankfully, someone planned a picnic the next day for everyone to bring their spouses and kids, etc. and that was awesome because i totally wanted to still see everyone and hang out with them! i wasn't ready to say goodbye and head back up north. i'm still not. it's hard being away. i wish i was closer to my home. i wish i was closer to everyone.

so for all of you whose reunions are coming up and you think that you don't really care about the people you went to high school with... or you don't miss them... trust me when i tell you that you probably do. at least i did. i'm so happy i went. i think my class was totally awesome, super hot, crazy fun, and maybe that's why it ruled so much. cause everyone was so freaking great!

i loved my reunion! i had the best time ever. a zillion billion times more fun than i could have ever anticipated! :) and yes, i did wear jeans to my reunion. suck it.

i have known this kid since elementary school! there's something more special about the people you went to elementary school, jr high AND high school with...


i love that my elementary school boyfriend is still comfortable enough to grab my ass for pictures. lol


mirror photo time!!!!!!! loved seeing all of these girls! cannot wait to see them again!


my new girl crush! i am totally in love with her!


fun and hot women!


PICNIC TIME!!!!!!


this picture makes me SO happy, i had to include it. i've known these 2 since like kindergarten. love them both SO much. (the fact that they are hot, fun and funny doesn't hurt) :)


old softball buds! (minus one, lol)




my girl crush again!


so what did we learn today? reunions are awesome! :)

sometimes a quick getaway is much, much more

i am running the gauntlet of emotions here kids. this quick trip of mine to new york and new jersey somehow feels more life changing than anything else. y'all know how freaking sensitive i am. how deeply i feel things. and how aware i am of my feelings, my emotions, my desires, and wants, etc.

this trip was incredible. i don't know if it's because i haven't traveled anywhere in almost 2 years. i don't know if it's because i don't have a fucking job right now and being unemployed is the weirdest thing to me ever. i don't know if it's any number of things. but what i do know is that right at this moment, my heart hurts. and i constantly want to burst into tears. i'm a tired, emotional wreck.

i love new york. i love where i stay in jersey. i love the people i meet when i'm there. i love how straight forward and non bullshit everyone is. that is so my style of person. no beating around the bush. no coy games. just straight to the point. it makes me laugh and there is something refreshing about the honesty of it all. when you're used to people who are so concerned with what they say and how they say it.. and want to make sure they're leaving the best impression of themselves with you at all times (no matter how dishonest it may be) there is something to be said about people who don't act that way. i appreciate it. maybe it's because it's how i am. no bullshit. honest and straightforward. and i've always scared the crap out of people in la. it's funny to me when i don't.

i realized during this trip that i really, really, really enjoy meeting new people. i realized that i really can make friends with anyone, anywhere i go. when i first got there, i went with j-fo to her junior high school reunion. and i met and loved everyone there. i got into a really deep and honest conversation with one of her old classmates. we ended up exchanging a few emails during the course of my trip and i don't know that i've ever been so flattered before, as to hearing this stranger tell me that meeting me made him believe in love again. that he knew the right girl was out there somewhere for him... and that meeting me made him realize that the old him (the one he loved and thought was gone forever) was still there inside- all he has to do is find the right girl to bring it out. and he thanked me for helping him see and realize this about himself. he said he hadn't felt that good about who he was in years.

how can someone telling you something like that not completely change you? i feel changed. i feel like maybe he opened my eyes a little bit to the effect i can have on people? i don't know, that sounds really weird and cocky and kind of asshole-ish. it's not how i mean it though. i guess after hearing that from him- i just felt really good about the person i am. and i realized how much i enjoyed helping him realize that about himself. and how happy it made me to hear him say he believed in love again... and that he was open to it.. and that he knew he could be happy again. because all i want is for people to be happy in their lives. life is too short to be unhappy, or bitter, or mad. i love the affect that strangers can have on one another. i changed this guy, and in return he changed me. no matter how small the change... i appreciate what he's made me realize (even if i can't put it into words well).

i met some guys in the airport bar. (shoutout to matt, jon, sean and gary!!!) we all had these ridiculous layovers and so we just hung out and chatted. sean the bartender was so freaking funny and happy and told me how much he loved his job. he honestly made me think that i might make a really kick ass airport bartender. LOL i love people.. i love chatting.. i'm a fucking smart ass who can dish it out with the best of em.. and these people can't stay around me forever because they eventually have to get on a plane (which is perfect in my opinion). i think i might have found my new career path. :) jennster, the airport bartender!!!!! i love it. and now we're all friends on facebook. i love that technology has advanced us all to the point that we can keep in touch with people we meet anywhere from 5 minutes, to 5 hours. you know? it's like that shit was made for sensitive people like me who want to keep in touch with people they've just met, because i'd never forget about them anyway.


i met this amazing guy on my flight from maryland to denver. we sat next to a boy scout who made me laugh and made me want to cry the whole flight. i told that 16 year old boy the importance of knowing how to kiss well. and that a bad kiss can ruin everything. that boy didn't want to believe anything i told him on that flight, so he would ask the guy sitting next to me. and the guy would constantly remind him that i knew more about girls than either one of them did. i think the boy scout hated me cause i was blonde, but i guarantee you he'll never forget what i told him about kissing and that too much saliva is a bad thing and that no girl wants to be assaulted by your tongue. ha ha ha that flight was the best flight ever. the conversations were incredible. and we laughed so much. you can learn A LOT about a person when you sit with them for 4 and a half hours and make the effort. we all made the effort. see? i appreciate things like that so much.





i had so many great experiences on this trip. it's hard to be back here in a place i don't love being. it's made me realize that i really enjoy traveling. i enjoy meeting new people and having conversations that matter. i love making new friends. i love being social. so now i'm wondering, how can i find a job that let's me travel and make new friends? what can i do that would let me really be me? how can i combine everything that i love into something that makes me money?
why can't i get paid to make friends and change lives? lol. any ideas???? i feel like there has to be something that is soulfully fulfilling and fills my heart with goodness and gladness... have to figure out what that is.

it's a good thing i don't have a job

because my social life is through the roof right now. ha

the other weekend my sister came to visit us and it was the first real visit, with actual time spent here since we moved in two and a half years ago. we had so.much.fun!!! i love my sister.. she is awesome! we worked out together.. ate frozen yogurt.. complained about the weather (sorry boyfriend).. ate delicious cheese and honey... and we went out dancing!!!! which was my favorite part definitely. we danced our asses off for over 3 hours. I LIVE FOR THAT!!!! plus, it was just so fun because my sister was married when i was like 13, so this was the first time i've been out with her while she's been single and stuff. which may sound terrible, but it just made it more fun.

this is us right before we headed out for the night.



i know, we look like a couple of fucking jolly rancher candies. suck it.

then last weekend we headed to reno for blake's baseball tournament with my famous bomber babes. which was amazing because i was there with these hot bitches.



and my super hot boyfriend

we did things like hang out at the pool... and drink.. and swim..

and we played beach volleyball!!!

and then we had to evacuate the pool area immediately because of the crazy ass lightning and thunder storms in the area. which was awesome cause i never get to see lightning.. and well, it was still hot as hell outside so who cares what the weather is doing if it's still hot out?! ha

that weekend was amazing. my mom and her super nice boyfriend (should he be a manfriend if he's a grown up and not really a boy?) was there to watch blake play baseball for the first time ever!!!!

my sister came too!!! which was awesome cause she hasn't seen him play ball since we moved from so cal 5 years ago.

and my gf cat who lives in the area showed up too!!!!

blake was so excited to have them come watch him play. blake loves having fans. :) my mom and sister got to see him pitch almost a full game and my mom and my gf cat were there when he hit a homerun!!!

can we just pause for a moment though and mention the fact that i am a complete and total idiot because i forgot to take any pictures of blake and my mom together?!?! who does that?!?!?

anyway... i leave for new york on saturday for almost a week. i got my wish to getaway and visit my gf's!! it's at a cost though- i mean, i must really love my girlfriends if i'm going to fly across the damn country on the big bus in the sky. i hate flying southwest from burbank to oakland, i can't believe i'm flying on it from here to new york. good lord. pray for me. it's going to take me 10 hours to get there. but you know what? it's totally worth it. because the flight was free. and because i get to see some of my closest friends. and i get to go to new york. I LOVE VISITING NEW YORK!!!!!!!!! i super love parts of my life a whole heck of a lot. yay for seeing these crazy ladies who i haven't seen since we took blake to new york in 2008!!!


i come back from new york on thursday afternoon and my girlfriend cat (from above) will be at my house the next day. and then becks will be at my house the following day. and once they all abandon me on tuesday, it will almost be time for blake to start junior high/middle school!!!! which is super exciting and super scary. i think it's more scary. eeeeeek. and once blake starts school, i feel like i am going to have to get super serious about finding a job. not that i haven't been super serious, but maybe i'll start applying at places i don't really want to work at?? which means maybe i'll apply at taco bell or something. which would suck. i don't know. doesn't this type of stuff work itself out?!

it has been great to have a summer with the boy.. although i feel like all i've done is bitch about the money i don't have and the things we can't do. but it's better than no summer with him at all.