family

grandma, nephew, mom


blake


nephew, neice, blake


brother, me


brother, sister


mom, sister in law


sister, nephew (her son)


me, blake


grandma, brother

honeymoon!

tomorrow!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

will post more pictures (are you sick of them yet) when i get back! but they'll be honeymoon ones this time!

thank you everyone for all the amazing and kind things you've said over the past week about our wedding pictures, etc. you are truly the best and i can't thank you enough for the compliments!

*super big married smooches* see, i'm already whoring around. ha!

leaving you with one of my favorite pics of me with my mom (and some friends). i look awful, but the smile on my mom's face says it all. she is so stinking cute.

who knew

it would take this long to recover from the wedding??? i'm STILL exhausted. okay, not exhausted, but definitely tired. i can only imagine that if we would have left right away for the honeymoon, i would have slept 3 days straight. what a waste that would have been.

this has been perfect. i have gotten to unpack things- organize the house a bit- and get settled. so much so that i keep forgetting we're leaving soon! or that we're leaving at all! i will remember when i have to freaking pack! good lord how i'm dreading that. i don't know why, i just am.

i don't have much to say lately. my thoughts are of wedding pictures and videos and friends and all sorts of things i've already said millions of times. the pictures just keep coming in and i will keep adding them to my flickr as i get them! it's funny to see basically the same picture from all sorts of different angles.

we developed the table camera pictures! oh man- a whole role of film of my brother. SO unnecessary!!!! enjoy:

you know what's funny?

is that i don't feel any different than i did before we got married. i mean, i literally feel the exact same way i did prior to getting hitched. i like it though. i didn't want to feel different, because i totally associated the difference with something negative. so i'm happy i feel the same!

boyfriend is totally on the same page. we both don't feel like we got married. we both don't feel like everyone was in tahoe FOR us. we feel like we met everyone there for a big party. a party that was super fun, but not a party that was about us- just a super fun party for everyone that we were a part of. i think that's weird. i think we're weird.

did anyone else feel this way?

and another thing- i totally keep forgetting that we still have a honeymoon to go on!!!!!!! i feel like the tahoe trip was our vacation and i'm completely content right now. but then i remember we still have something else to do! somewhere else to go!!! i think i'm almost too tired to be excited!

the best part? seeing that ring on his finger. i adore it. i love catching a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye. or hearing it clang on something. this morning when he took it off for work- i heard it hit the dresser and i started pouting. i understand why he can't wear his ring to work, but still- it makes me sad. i like knowing he's wearing it. there is something about that ring. maybe it's just the finger of the man it's on?

after our wedding, we had a party in our room. look at these pics and tell me you wouldn't do the same!!!

WOTY RECAP!!!

woty= the WEDDING OF THE YEAR!!!!!!

i am still overly exhausted and i don't know where to start, or what to say, or how to say it. everything leading up the wedding was awesome. i wasn't really ever nervous or weird or freaking out. okay, that's not entirely true. it was BEYOND freaking windy, so that had me more pissy than anything. i loathe the wind. L O A T H E. anyway- the night before the wedding a ton of us went out and gambled and danced and just spent time together. it was awesome. if there is one thing i don't think i sucked at, it was spending time with my out of town friends. i really feel good about how much i got to see them all. so that made me REALLY happy. :)

the day of the wedding, i was tired. and i was pretty mellow. everyone kept asking if i was nervous or getting anxious or anything- but really.. i was just chilling. and starving! i couldn't stop munching on anything i could get my hands on. my hair and my makeup turned out EXACTLY how i wanted them. remember how nervous i was for that because i hated my trial hair and makeup? well she did my hair 100% like the picture i brought and my airbrushing could not have been more amazing. i saw a picture of myself in someone's camera and i was like "that's me?? i totally want to make out with myself!!" ha!

it was super windy all day long. like freaking gail force winds and no i am not exaggerating. i looked out the PENTHOUSE WINDOW (hello, we got the penthouse!!!!) to see if people were already in their seats, and i caught a glimpse of boyfriend down there. i totally ran away from the window all quick and then i got all giddy!! he looked so hot!!! i was getting super excited! it's funny, cause as blake and i were waiting to walk down the aisle, i got a HUGE rush of being so excited and i was like, "blake- i can't wait to do this, this is SO MUCH FUN!!!!" i am a total nerd.

so as we went to walk down the aisle, the wind tried to kill me. i had to stop walking and get the damn veil out of my face and then i cursed the wind gods for hating me so. then i walked up to my man. the funniest part was the fact that when i got up to the altar i looked all shocked and surprised to see our friends up there. like i waved and said "omg, HI JIMMY! HI SCOTTY!!!" as if i didn't know they'd be there! see? total freaking nerd. it was so sweet and so incredibly special to have my now father in law standing up there marrying us. it could not have been more fitting.

the reception was awesome, but everyone is right- it goes by SO fast. before you know it, it's time for it to end. and i must mention the fact that i made a speech and i freaking said "HOLLA!!!" didn't i do that once before??? i said holla, and then my mind was like "did you just say holla? we do not say holla!" seriously i do not know what is wrong with me sometimes. after it was over we had everyone come to our room and party with us more! that was awesome! we were up until 4am and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

i guess i'll end it by thanking every single person who went out of their way to share our day with us. all of my forum friends for coming out and just making a special day even more special. it was so much fun and full of so many good memories- i can't wait to get the video! i want it now!!!!!!! extra special thanks to becks for blogging and taking GORGEOUS pics and just totally organizing the weekend the whole time with all of our friends. i love you!!

this is me. reading my vows. :)


and me laughing at blake during the sand ceremony


and the kiss that took my breath away


the hottest chicks in the world!


and it wouldn't be us without a little boob grabbin

i'm back, and married

and am way too tired to write a real post- plus, i don't even know where to begin. i'll just leave you with this.

THE WEDDING OF THE YEAR!

is almost here and i don't know where i'll be, or if i'll get online to post, or WHAT. but i have a few places to send you....

boyfriend and i will write a post for dad said, mom said THIS FRIDAY! yes, the day before the wedding of the year!!!!! we are freaks. we know. but make sure you read it, cause i'm sure it will be... um... something..

and becks will be blogging somewhat live from the reception and all weekend long. so grandpa- please please please check her website often for updates with lots of pictures (click on her name and it will take you to her blog)! and becky, blog or i will be forced to kill you. i am counting on you!

alright. when i come back, i will be mrs boyfriend. you know, unless i completely freak out, or it snows and i refuse to leave my room, or something! ha!

it needs to be said

that i have officially reached the point of FREAK THE FUCK OUT-ness!!!!!

no, i'm not nervous. and this has absolutely nothing to do with cold feet, or the actual getting married to one weiner for the rest of my life.. i'm just freaking out. the amount of things that need to be done, and checked off, and put together, etc and so forth, just swirl around in my head. constantly. it doesn't help that our stupid coordinator who has completely ignored me for over a year, is suddenly inundating me with emails and phone calls and freaking 10 page contracts to look over and approve. i'm like, "YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITH ME MONTHS AGO?!?!?!" cause she had all the information she is just now putting together at least 6 months ago!!!! i don't like doing things at the last minute, so this shit pisses me off. and adds to the FREAK OUT!!!

poor boyfriend- he turned to me in this morning and was like, "5 days til we get married!" and i snapped back, "oh that was cute a month ago. it's not cute anymore. i am so freaked out about shit, that i don't need you reminding me that i have no time left to do things that still need to get done at the start of each day!!!!" i'm surprised he didn't call the whole thing off. i must be a fucking joy to live with. he does make fun of the fact that for over 2 years i've been completely (well somewhat) normal- and NOW i'm losing it. he has mentioned medicating me. great.

yes. apparently now, i am going to lose it.

we haven't talked to our dj. not even once. i.am.freaking.out. i just have lots to do. and my head can only hold so much information before it explodes and makes a mess all over the place. i promise y'all that i'll be perfectly fine on saturday. because by then i simply won't give a shit anymore- it will be too late. but for now- yes, i fully intend on losing it. and i'm well on my way.

humbled..

by you.

first of all, i just have to say thank you so much to each and every one of you who commented or emailed me in regards to my last post. so many of your comments were so well thought out, supportive, and kind. i love it when you guys tell me how you can relate. i love hearing your stories! so thank you again. i truly appreciate every single comment, even the ones i don't agree with. i honestly can't tell y'all enough just how much it means to me that you read what i write, and that you respond. i mean, your comments aren't little chinsy ones either- they are LONG, meaningful and honest. i know i'm just repeated myself in various ways here... but i just want you to know that i never take you for granted.... and just how much i truly and sincerely appreciate everything and all of you. you really are the best.

lastly, i just want to touch on things a tad bit more. blake walking me down the aisle is the most natural thing for me. i want blake to feel like he is a part of this day. i don't want him to feel left out, or feel like this day has nothing to do with him. so him walking me down the aisle is beyond perfect in my mind. and i'm not being "given away"... i'm being "shared." we are wording it so that it will say something about sharing me with boyfriend and blake will have to concur. it really doesn't get any sweeter than that, does it?

and jaymonster- while your comment was the one single comment that made me cringe inside, i realize that i hated it so much because it just might be how my dad feels. i can only assume that he's as offended/insulted as you say any father would be. i didn't intend to insult him with my decision, but i can see how he would be insulted. the part about the whispering though- i really think that if he DID walk me down the aisle, that's when the whispering would begin. not that i would care either way. you see my decision isn't about anyone else's opinion or feelings. it's about what i feel is best, and really, sincerely, true to myself. and having him walk me down as if we have a great relationship and he has every right to be doing that, just isn't how i feel anymore. also, i don't want people to think blake is walking me down the aisle because my dad isn't there. i want them to know that i CHOSE blake and that i WANTED blake to walk me down the aisle. i still think it sucks that my dad can't get past that part and at least attend the wedding of his daughter, but what can you do, right? i think DDM has a very valid point when she talks about it being an excuse. that he doesn't want to face people. because i definitely think that's true. when it comes to this kind of controversy, i've learned that he is a runner. he doesn't stand strong and tall and face the music- he runs away and pretends it doesn't exist. and the bottom line is, it's not really my problem. i'm not the one who will look back on this and feel bad that he didn't come. i mean, i will always know that he CHOSE to not attend. and no matter how he twists it or turns it, that choice will never be my "fault."

there has been wedding drama

i just haven't posted about it.

i mean, how do i say outloud that my dad isn't coming to my wedding? that my dad is choosing to not attend?

i guess i just did.

it's hard to write about this because i'm not entirely sure how i feel. i mean, when i first got the letter from him telling me that he wasn't going to come, i was completely shocked. i read the words, but couldn't possibly believe them. i had just seen him a month prior in tahoe and things were "fine" so how could he be telling me he wasn't coming? i didn't understand. i cried for a moment and then i went blank. i took a breath and the tears stopped falling. and then my insides just went numb. and they've been that way in regards to this, ever since. this constant numbness. it's not pain- because that would hurt like hell. maybe it's a buffer. you know, to stop the hurt. maybe it's just been so constantly painful for the past 3 years, that my heart can't take it anymore? maybe i just don't know anything.

it's hard to put all of this into words. it's hard to make sense out of things that just don't make sense to me. and it's even harder to think that i'm sitting here thinking and feeling all of these things, and he is thinking and feeling the exact same things- but for other reasons. see, i'm not making any sense. let me rewind..

blake is walking me down the aisle. my son. my adorable, charming, little sweetheart of a kid, who i want to be as much a part of this wedding as i can make him, is walking his mom down the aisle. my father, is not. i don't feel bad about this decision. it was the right one for me based upon numerous reasons. i am very content and at peace with my decision to not have my dad walk me down the aisle.

my dad however, is not. he is very hurt. very upset and can't understand how i don't want him to "give me away." he doesn't understand why i can't seperate his cheating and leaving my mother, with the father he was to me. (not taking into account the last 3 years of course). and i don't understand what he doesn't understand about it? and i also don't understand how my child walking with me could possibly be that offensive?!?! i mean, it doesn't get any less offensive than that.

so here we are. he is completely shocked and numbed that i don't want him to walk me down the aisle and i'm completely shocked and numbed that he doesn't want to attend my wedding. i guess in my mind they aren't even the same things. maybe he is just justifying his reasons for not going. maybe in his mind, it makes it all my fault. since i won't give him something, then he won't give me something. but of course, it all stems from my not giving it first. so it's my "fault" right? i just wonder when the blame gets placed on the right shoulders? when the correct person will start carrying the burdon of their actions?


i guess i just don't understand a lot of things... the main one being the fact that my dad can tell me that as long as i'm okay with him not walking me down the aisle, then i should understand how he's okay with not coming to my wedding. but that's the thing.... i don't understand how he can be okay with that. i just don't.

threats before marriage are awesome!

my mom emailed this to me:

"THE COUNTDOWN HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! I called Boyfriend and told him there was no backing out now or I would hog tie him and drag him to the altar!!!!!!!!"

what? that's totally normal, right?

boyfriend vs husband

everyone keeps asking me what i'll call boyfriend once he's not technically "boyfriend" anymore.

i will still call him boyfriend.


and husband when he's in trouble.

just 1 more thing to freak out about

you know, it hadn't even crossed my mind to be concerned about the weather for the WEDDING OF THE YEAR!.. i just figured- it's late june so it will be fine!

just fine.

these are live pictures from tahoe YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!





have i mentioned how much i loathe being cold? how i'm getting married in fucking JUNE for a reason (no snow, not cold, almost summer)??? if it snows on my wedding day, i might just die. no really. drop dead right there on the freaking cement aisle.

i don't want to worry about the weather. truly, i don't. i realize that i can't control it, but COME ON. snow in june?!?!??! why does tahoe hate me?? so help me god, i will be out there with a freaking blowdryer melting all the snow at the ceremony site if i have to.

only a crazy person CUTS HER WEDDING DRESS!

a crazy person, or....... me.



okay really, it's not as bad as it sounds. *don't argue with me* i don't know how to explain it without telling you exactly what i did. and i know boyfriend doesn't want to know ANYTHING ABOUT THE WEDDING DRESS!!!!! so either i can't say much- or he should stop reading. see, i can say that kind of crap, cause he has amazing self control. it's okay boyfriend, i won't give anything away..

basically, i went to get alterations last night. and the way my dress is made- well, it couldn't do what i wanted it to do. i tried and tried to make it work, but it just wasn't possible (without it looking like complete crap). and what my alterations lady wanted to do, i wanted to puke over. so i told her to hack it. wack at it. cut it off.

i think i say that so many times because it makes me fucking laugh. who the hell CUTS their wedding dress? like totally hacks at it and cuts parts of it completely off?? apparently i do.

and i think it's going to be great! seriously. it's going to be perfect and wonderful and i can't wait to see it and wear it!!! remind me to tell you exactly what i did AFTER the wedding! :)

so maybe i am losing my mind

boyfriend and i did the wedding favors this weekend. the favors that double as your seating place card. and i hate them. i just think they suck. i want them to look better. boyfriend is convinced that i'm bored and i just want something NEW to plan and design and play with. he's probably right.. (but they still kind of suck....)

it's weird. the wedding is literally, right around the corner and i am second guessing EVERY SINGLE THING i've had planned for the last 2 years. suddenly, i don't have enough candles. i need more candles!!!!! i must have more candles! but i have no time to drive to fucking ikea and get MORE CANDLES!!!! what else can i give people for favors? do i have enough chocolates for the bar? maybe i should order more? will the vases look okay with just water and the stems?! maybe the centerpieces need sea glass in them?! maybe they just need SOMETHING in them??? what else can i DO?!?!?!

he's right- i'm losing it. and that was further confirmed by the fact that i actually thought this the other day...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO TRY ON NEW WEDDING DRESSES!!!!!!!!!


seriously. what in the hell is wrong with me?!?!! i honestly thought that maybe something new has come out in the last 2 years that i would want more! maybe i want a new dress?! maybe something would look hotter? maybe something would look better? maybe i NEED a new dress??

i.am.psychotic.

and someone actually wants to marry me.

overwhelmed

when i talk about the WEDDING OF THE YEAR!, i get really overwhelmed. it's very hard for me to put into words how i feel. i have had 3 amazing bridal showers. the gifts just keep on coming in the mail. and they are SUCH awesome, thoughtful, kick ass gifts- from so many amazing, kind and super generous people!!! sincerely. we have been so lucky!

SO many people are coming to our wedding. and i know it's not cheap to get there. there are flights to book, the resort to stay at, car rentals, etc. all those things add up so quickly and i know and realize it. but even with all of these expenses, our friends are SO ridiculously generous! everyone is making us feel so special. even those people who weren't invited, are still being SO thoughtful and sweet. the gestures we've gotten are truly overwhelming. i wish i could think of a better word. but i can't.

part of me thinks i don't deserve all this kindness. while another part of me wonders why i'm being bestowed with such unbelievable generosity. all i know is that i truly appreciate it all. i am humbled by every single piece of kindness. and there has been too much of it, to even begin to count. i guess i just want to say THANK YOU!! a most heartfelt and sincere, thank you.

what blew you away at your wedding?

the last shower!

no really.
today's shower was the final one.
i swear it.
there are no more.

this one was my work shower and i must preface this post by telling everyone who reads this blog, that i work with THE most thoughtful, kind and super fun women (and guys) ever.!!! today was so much fun and the gifts were incredible (so unique and beautiful and every other positive adjective i could think of)!! everything was so amazing and everyone worked so hard to put this together for me, it was really heartwarming. i am humbled by their kindness. truly.

but for now- let's just look at pics cause we all know how fun these are! :)

the entryway to the house


it wouldn't be a bridal shower without some toilet paper brides! lol


my most favorite cake of the moment.. hello princess cake!!!


who knows what i'm doing. seriously. one can never be sure.

and she's still working out

some of you have been emailing me and asking me about my weight loss progression (non existant) and if i'm still working out.

yes, i'm still working out. i will tell you that i did this video workout that had my legs so freaking sore, i couldn't walk properly for 3 days. and the day after, i would literally fall onto the toilet when i had to pee. picture this- my legs were so sore that i couldn't hold myself up... so when i was going to sit down on the toilet (to pee because girls don't poo), i couldn't stop myself from falling. i fell everytime. like a big ole crashing ass onto the seat. and of course i had to literally use all my arm strength to pull myself off the damn thing. what the hell? i am beyond straying.

working out.. yes! losing weight... NO! but i must admit that i have not been eating healthy or nearly as fabulous as i should. and i am definitely an lose/gain weight person solely based on what i shove into my mouth.

so anyway, that's it!

first dance lesson tonight! WISH US LUCK! :)

there will be dancing

boyfriend and i finally made our first dance practice thingy appointment! we are having 2 private lessons and the first one is on friday! THIS FRIDAY! this is going to be so much fun! or painful.

i'm excited because we'll just be focused on 1 song instead of trying to learn how to dance in general. and i don't really know what to expect (except that my feet will be stepped on numerous times i'm sure) but i'm pretty psyched!

just for the record- dance lessons were not my idea. so no matter how manly and badass boyfriend is... don't let him fool you. he's a big ole ball of mush on the inside. at least when it comes to me he is. and that's just the way i like it.

i will definitely report back after dance lesson number 1. think good thoughts!

did you take dance lessons? did you already know how to dance? tell me about your first dance as husband and wife...

(i know i'm super wedding mushy lately, but it's lots of fun to read all the things you guys have said about your weddings.. i love it!!)

SUCK THIS!!!!

OH MY GOSH! oh my gosh! holy YES YES YES YES YES!!!!

i came home to this last night:


and that made my face do this:


which led to much hugging and kissing and this:



the only question i have is..... who the hell sent it???????



update:
the culprits have been found! 7 of my wonderful forum friends all got together and bought me the suckiest of wedding presents ever!!!! thank you so so so so so so much danno, tray, fo, becks, gina, spidey and andrew! y'all rock.... hard!!! :)