pausing

in memory of columbine. a day i'll never forget.

it's seared into my memory as if i knew every single person there that day (i didn't). i remember working out at work with meg at the gym, watching the kids running from their school with their arms up and their shirts off. we didn't have the volume up, so we didn't know what the hell they were doing. me, being the utter and complete smart ass i am all the time, made fun of the boys with no shirts on. i think i remember saying things to meg like "let's all take our shirts off while we run towards the tv cameras. we'll be so sexy."

we both laughed of course. because we had no idea what the fuck was really going on. we had no clue that the boys without their shirts had taken them off to try and stop the bleeding from their teacher... who lay in a classroom with them, dying.

i became obsessed with columbine. i wanted to read everything.. hear everything.. know about every victim.. how they died.. where in the school they died.. sick shit, right?

but i couldn't get enough.

i was absolutely horrified at what had happened. and in all honesty, i think that tragedy is helped solidify my absolute hatred (and probably fear) of guns and what people can do to other people with them.

so today- 4/20/2011- 12 years later. i still think about that day. how i felt. how i still feel. and everyones whose live changed in those moments.

10 years later

i can't believe it's been 10 years since the shootings at columbine. 10 years since i was at my work gym watching it all unfold on tv's with my girfriend and co-worker meg. 10 years since we were wondering why the hell all the kids were coming out of that school with their shirts off. 10 years since we learned that their shirts were off because they were trying to stop their teacher, dave sanders, from dying.

columbine wrecked me.

i knew no one from the school. no one from the area. but that entire scene horrified me in ways that i still can't comprehend. it made me feel things i had no business feeling.

i was completely consumed. i couldn't stop reading about it. watching it on the television. researching it online. i wanted to know about all the victims. everyone left behind- littleton's tragedy became my own. their grief, was mine. i cried with them. cried for them. but mostly, i just cried.

i get like that sometimes. feel things so deeply and with so much intensity. sometimes i think i'm not normal. i don't get like this with everything. not every single school shooting affects me the same way. not every single tragedy rips me to the core. but some do.

and columbine did. it always has. even now, 10 years later, talks of it stops me in my tracks. i hope everyone has found some sort of peace in these past 10 years (gosh, has it really been ten years?). some sort of happiness, hope and love. and to those who were lost that day... i will never forget you.

a killer's parents

i've had this post written for DAYS, but was just waiting for the right time to post it...

in the wake of virginia tech, i want to talk about some people that no one really talks about.. well, unless it's to place blame, point fingers and burn at the stake.

the killer's parents (and his family).

not all bad kids come from bad homes. not all assholes have asshole parents. can you imagine for one minute what it must be like to be those people? not only have you lost your own child, but your child is responsible for killing 32 others. does anyone feel bad for them? does anyone even ever think about them?

i think they totally get lost in the shuffle. no one grieves for or with them. no one talks about their loss or their devastation. they have to live with this, possibly even worse, than the "regular" victims families do. there is more guilt for them... more questions and even less answers. i can't even begin to imagine their pain. i can't even begin to imagine their personal horror and what they'll do to themselves in the months to come. and i definitely don't envy the position that they are now in. i'm sure they will question and beat themselves up for things they just couldn't have possibly predicted. everything even slightly "off" from the past will suddenly become a "sign." and it's not fair. because we can't be expected to read minds. even if we are the parent, sibling, or relative of the killer.

i felt the same way about the columbine killers parents. even though there were minimal signs of neglect, how well do you REALLY know your kids? i think that dylan and eric were masterminds of bullshit. they acted one way to and around their families, but were completely different to eachother and others. i don't think it's that hard to hide aspects of your personality if you want too. and can parents really be expected to know if their child is planning on going on a rampage? does having a problem child immediately mean they're going to kill people?

i guess i just feel bad that so many fingers get pointed at these people- as if they should have known intimitely what their son(s) were thinking and feeling and planning on doing. i think it's a lot of ask of anyone. and hindsight is always 20/20. i guess i just always remember that while the killer was a disturbed psycho, his family might not have been. and they are probably in more pain than any of us can even begin to fathom... and that makes my heart hurt for them.

i want to be clear that i am in no way sympathetic to the killer(s). i do not feel bad for them or whatever fucked up mental issues they had. i.don't.care. i don't want excuses for why they did this. shut the hell up about the bullying and teasing. get a freaking grip. everyone is teased. everyone is bullied. and they don't go kill people. i think the killers are pussies and pieces of shit. this is about the family they've left behind to pick up the pieces of their fucked up actions. the selfish way they've affected their families beyond comprehension. i am sympathetic to those left behind. those whose hearts are probably filled with more hurt than one could stand.

a day of healing

obviously the shooting at v tech has affected me. certain things will just strike a chord with me and they become something that i can't easily shake. columbine was by far the worst for me (not including 9/11). this is up there.

but you know what i thought the other day? i thought that the worst was already behind them. behind all of us. because the day that it was happening... the day all those horrific events were unfolding.. well that was the worst day of all. while it was actually going on. the immediate aftermath. the trying to make sense of it all, and find out who is safe and who isn't, and just what the hell is going on.

but then the next day comes. and the awfulness is already a day behind us. we are no longer living in "the day" that it all happened. and each day that passes, that day gets further and further behind. and each day comes with a little more understanding.. a little less pain.. and a little more healing. at least that's what i hope.

and none of that means forgetting. a day when the tears stop falling, doesn't mean that you've forgotten. doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. doesn't mean that you've stopped caring. it just means that you've been able to live with the pain and move forward. i'm not sure you ever fully forget the pain. i think it becomes a part of you in some way. you just can't let it define you.

so today, on the 8 year anniversary of columbine... my thoughts are with all of those families, and all of yours.

tears for virginia tech

my heart. it hurts.

my head. it throbs.

this virginia tech shooting.. 4 days before the "anniversary" of columbine. 8 years that sometime feel just like yesterday.

things like this make me so incredibly sad. yet, among my sadness is my incredible desire to know. all.of.the.details. it's sick really. but i guess it's because when something like this happens, i want to make some sort of sense out of it all. and the only way to do that, is to have "answers."

i stumbled upon this kids livejournal. and in reading his blog, i found my heart aching for his pain. aching when he talks about kids just wanting to grieve and the media being in their faces, taking millions of pictures. and i understand both sides- because i'm on the outside, wanting to look in. i'm not there, but i grieve with everyone there. and seeing the pictures.. hearing the voices.. being brought there through the media, helps me. which as i write this, sounds really, really selfish.

i know that everyone is criticizing the police and asking questions. i mean, isn't that always the first thing they do when something like this happens? they did it at columbine. and now they're doing it for here. i just think that people need to keep in mind that no 2 situations are the same. no 2 freaking pyschotic killers are the same. everyone talks about preventing these situations, and i just don't think we can ever truly do that. simply because no 2 people are the same. they don't have the same thoughts, the same plans, the same motives, etc. the only thing that stood out to me was that the university sent everyone emails. and all i know is that if it was me, i wouldn't be checking my email first thing in the morning. now a text message on my cell phone is another story. maybe they should put that in place. or maybe not rely on just 1 form of communication in an emergency. doesn't the school have sirens? ring those fuckers. hopefully we can all learn from this and every university can make sure they have something in place for something like this. i know it's awful and horrible and at all of these people's expense.. but i like to think that something as terrible as this, can have good come from it. it has to. because it can't have all been for nothing.

virginia tech's school newspaper has been the best source of information, in my opinion. they are constantly updating. you can find them here. but if it's not working, try this link.

i want to end this post with my thoughts, respect, love, condolences to all of the victims, their families, their friends, people who just saw them on campus but didn't know them and the community of blacksburg, virginia.

today my heart breaks for you and your lives cut short:
Maxine Turner
Henry Lee
Matt La Porte
Jamie Bishop Instructor
G.V. Loganathan Professor
Juan Ortiz
Jarrett Lane
Ryan Clark
Leslie Sherman
Caitlin Hammaren
Liviu Librescu Professor
Kevin Granata Professor
Reema Samaha
Emily Hilscher