reading blogs today i came across this post by mom to the screaming masses about forgiveness and forgiving. the poor lady has to read this in her comments section (yes, i wrote the incoherent babbling you are about to read below).
so i've been thinking about what i wrote. and what she said. and the other posts i read as well. and i'm trying to think about this whole situation with my father. and how he cheated on my mom, left her, didn't talk to me for well over a year, didn't attend my wedding, etc. even when i write that, i have no anger. the anger has faded. all the anger that existed at the beginning has slowly, but surely, faded with time. is there hurt and sadness? yes. but do i loathe or hate my father? i do not. i don't feel those feelings towards him. but there is indifference. a whole hell of a lot of indifference. and just not really feeling much of anything (isn't that indifference jackass?). so what does that mean? does that mean i'm still angry? because i don't feel angry. if any emotion stems from the indifference, it's sadness. there are so many other things too that go into the complexity of this relationship. like the loss of respect. feeling like you don't know who they are as a person at all really. finding it difficult to have a conversation with them because you can "see through" the things they say. i think indifference is a sign i still haven't truly dealt with the situation (no shit sherlock).

i think it would all be so much easier if my dad apologized (instead of blamed) and maybe tried to offer solutions (instead of putting the "ball in my court" all the time) or actually attempted to mend bridges. he's always saying it's a 2 way street, and while i'm sure it is, when i'm not the one who did the wrong doings, why should i be the one going out of my way to right them? i don't think i should. so i don't. and either does he. and so here we are. with a damaged relationship that definitely affects me and hangs over my head... and heart. i don't know where you go from here when you're not sure what you want.

and then even more confusing is what seems to be the "requirement" for forgiveness- forgetting. but how can you truly forget? and are you never truly forgiving someone, if you aren't forgetting what they've done? it's all so confusing. and overwhelming. and lord knows i do not want to carry these karmic bullshit ties with me in the next life, so i had better get it together in this one! i just don't see how it's mentally possible to ever forget. i mean, unless it was something petty and stupid. but when it's something major, do you forget? maybe you just aren't supposed to not bring it up again- or throw it in the person's face- or use it against them. obviously, you're not going to wipe it from your memory. have i forgiven my father if i don't choose to better the relationship? does forgiveness have requirements? and how can you require certain things of each individual and each instance?

good lord. talk to me about forgiveness people and how it has positively or negatively affected your life. thank you mtsm for inspiring this post today- sorry it rides on your post but obviously it struck a nerve.

Labels: family, ster