Thursday, May 26, 2011

oprah's final show

i don't want oprah a lot.. probably because i was always working while she was on. but whenever i did watch her show, i liked it.

i'll admit it.. i LIKE oprah. :)

so i watched her very final show yesterday.. not having any idea what it was going to be about, who was going to be on it, etc.

to my surprise, there were no guests.

just oprah. talking. thanking. being grateful.

but what i took from her show- was what i've been talking about for awhile now here on this blog. and a lot of what i've reading lately in terms of spiritual websites.

this huge shift in consciousness. this shift in people's priorities. this calling that is happening to get people to be where they are supposed to be (hence, dramatic events happening- loss of house, loss of job, divorce, etc)....

when she spoke the following words, i found myself sitting on my couch shaking my head back and forth in a YES!!!! motion, just completely agreeing and yelling at my tv, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT OPRAH!!!! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!!!"

"What I knew for sure from this experience with you is that we are all called. Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. Every time we have seen a person on this stage who is a success in their life, they spoke of the job, and they spoke of the juice that they receive from doing what they knew they were meant to be doing.... Because that is what a calling is. It lights you up and it lets you know that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. And that is what I want for all of you and hope that you will take from this show. To live from the heart of yourself. You have to make a living; I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world."

just reading that (especially the last sentence) brings tears to my fucking eyes. it fills me with hope. it RESONATES. that's exactly where i am right now. and where i have been. and what i've been trying to figure out... and CREATE.

i feel like we're all being called to do what truly makes us happy. and by doing what makes us happy, we will affect the world. by sharing what we love with others, it will uplift those around us. goodness and positivity ALL AROUND! :)

you may think i'm crazy.. or not get what i'm saying. and that's okay. i just feel excited. and happy. and sort of impatient because i'm so ready to embody my awesomeness and have it feel right... i'm ready to FEEL like i'm on the right path again- like i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing... like i'm where i'm supposed to be... like everything in falling into place. that feeling you get when you just instinctively know things are unfolding how they are supposed too. i'm ready for all of that.

for me.

and for you.

"My great wish for all of you who have allowed me to honor my calling through this show is that you carry whatever you're supposed to be doing, carry that forward and don't waste any more time. Start embracing the life that is calling you and use your life to serve the world."

Monday, May 23, 2011


i am going through so many changes.

we all are.

maybe some of us are fighting it more than others. are you in a bad relationship and you know you should let go, but you're fighting to hold onto it? or maybe you're in a job you can't stand.... and you stay there because you have security. or you're losing your house, but you're refusing to just..

i think we all fight to hold on to those things that are familiar to us. familiar feels comfortable. and comfortable... well... it feels good.

change is scary. because it's unknown. and we don't know how it will feel. and not knowing how something will feel is sort of terrifying in its own right.

i'm definitely changing. it's as though i am going through all my old wants- everything that used to be okay... things i used to want (this is all career-wise).... i no longer desire.

i no longer have the desire to work at any cost.

i have no use for things that do not make my heart sing and my soul feel alive. :)

so i'm changing. and i'm finding new wants. and new desires.

and i know what they are, even though i keep trying to ask myself, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU TRULY WANT?!??!"

i know the answer.

but fear runs in and rears its ugly head- telling me that i can't possibly want what i want because HOW WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT????

and then that's where something else comes in....

and it tells me that i have to change the way i think and view the word "success." and i have to remind myself that success is just a word. and we've all given the word meaning. i'm told that i have to let go of the checklist i've created that defines what successful means.

i have to change the way i view success. it no longer has to fit into the box i've created. the box we, as a society, have created. you're only successful if you make lots of money. you're a success if you are the boss of a large corporation (and you're rich), or you run your own business (that makes lots of money).

success does not have to mean those things. maybe my new meaning for success should revolve all around being happy.

feeling fulfilled.

doing what calls to my heart and soul. being allowed to do those things.

writing. sharing my emotions, thoughts and beliefs with all who choose to read them.

of course i want money. but no, i don't have to be rich to feel successful.

i think to me...... my new success, would involve writing. and having people enjoy what i write. and yes, making some money of course (so i could feel like a contributing member of my household)..

i'm still figuring it all out- what success would mean to me. but the main thing is happiness. truly loving what you do, and who you affect, and feeling good about the contribution you're making.

anyone else feel like their changing? growing... evolving?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

what path am i heading down?

i know that after a year of being unemployed, i should be foaming at the mouth at any job prospects, right?


then why is it, with every interview i go on.. i find myself less and less interested in working for other people? you know how you leave an interview and you're just dying with excitement and anticipation inside? you want the job SO BADLY you can taste it.... and you feel like if you don't get it, you'll be crushed?

i remember feeling like that.

but i'm not sure where those feelings went. cause i haven't felt like that one bit since getting fired. nothing has made me feel... well... in all honesty... anything.

and as i drive myself home from all my interviews, i find myself thinking constantly about how uninteresting the job sounded. or how unappealing. and i find that my WANT for what seems like any position- just isn't there.

and what the fuck man? cause shouldn't i be feeling the exact opposite? i mean, shouldn't i be wanting pretty much any job? shouldn't i be trying my damndest to get.. ANY job????

i probably should.


but you know what sucks? it's that i don't want to be unhappy. i don't want to be in the position i was in, in my last job. i NEVER want to be miserable working again. it's not worth it. it's not okay. we spend too much of our precious time working for other people. and if we don't LOVE what we're doing- it just seems like such a waste. for everyone involved. i like to care about my job. i like to be happy everyday. and i like to feel good about what i do. and i guess i'm not willing to compromise on that yet.

am i being an idiot?

logically, i try to convince myself that there is something wrong with me. lol but really. like maybe i've just become so complacent being home that i forget what working is like. or maybe i've lost sight of reality? or maybe i think i can behave this way because i have an unemployment check. (note to self, those will run out one day. soon. proceed to vomit)

but then there's something that lives inside me. let's call it my gut. and my gut talks to me... A LOT. and it tells me all sorts of things that when i say them out loud (like now) sound sort of insane....... but when i say them to myself, they resonate. they feel right. i don't have a reason for why i feel the way i do- i just do. and i trust it. i trust that whatever it is that i'm feeling- the non want, the disinterest, the feeling that "this isn't the right path for me..." it's all there for a reason.

there is a bigger picture.

and while it might not be clear, my feelings definitely are. i don't necessarily understand just what the hell is going on with me... but i do trust that i'll figure it all out.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

pretty pictures

cause it's been far too long since i've posted some of the cool pics i've been taking... and cupcakes i've been baking. and i'm so sick of everything on my blog being like.. wah, my house. wah, bank of america sucks donkey dick....

who cares?!

my blog depressed even me.. AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED!!! lol

there was a classic car show the other weekend and i went alone.. wandered around and took some pics just for fun. it was kinda cool! :)this is the car from the movie peggy sue got married!




and i'm super proud of the next cupcakes. my gf wanted some tiffany blue cupcakes for a birthday, and not only did i get the tiffany blue RIGHT ON.. but this was the first time i'd even attempted to make fondant bows. :)

2 dozen mini cupcakes

aren't they cute?

and the boy and i bought new sunglasses the other day. this are our "look mean" faces. clearly, he does the mean face far better than i do.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

when doorbell ditching goes wrong..

so last night we went to a party. while the parents were in the backyard by the fire pit, drinking, socializing, taking pictures with my phone (ha) etc.... the kids were all out front playing baseball until it got too dark to see the ball and then they started doing what kids do...

ding dong ditching.

sounds harmless, right? but as i walked outside to grab blake to leave... i saw all the kids down by this one house. it was clear to me that they were trying to tell blake to go up to the door, but i yelled blake's name and told him it was time to go.. NOW. he started to walk over to me, but then stopped as one of his friends ran to the door, knocked.. and then ran.

immediately the guy's garage door opened and out he came in his robe. the kids all ran and hid behind a car. the man shouted down the street to the hiding kids to leave him alone. to knock it off or he would call the cops.

and the kids started saying things like, "he's arab.. don't make him mad, or he'll bomb us." and "what? i can't understand you. speak english!!!" and then one of them made some arabic sounding yell/chant.

that set me off. i told those kids that those comments were racist and those remarks were uncalled for and completely not okay. i told them that they were intolerant and harrassing someone was bullshit. blake didn't say a word, BUT he was with a group of boys who all laughed when those words were spoken. no one said a thing about how those words were fucked up... or wrong... or NOT cool...

they just laughed.

"he's an arab" they said. as if that makes it okay to ding dong ditch the guy numerous times throughout the night.

so before i let blake get in the car, i made him go over to the man's house and apologize. and he did, without complaint, hesitation, or reservations. he ran over to the man's garage and told him that he was with the group of kids who kept doorbell ditching and then he apologized. the man was mad. he told blake that this wasn't the first time that this had happened to him. that the kids harass him all the time and he would please like it to stop. he thanked blake for apologizing, but he was clearly not happy.

blake and i walked away and he was visibly upset with tears in his eyes.

i was glad. at that moment, i knew i did the right thing. making him walk over there and apologize for simply being a PART of something..... and then having him hear how upset the man was.... for me, it was the right thing to have my son do.

so when blake and i walked past all of his other friends, i looked at them and said, "aren't you glad i'm not your mom?" to which they all shouted "YES" in unison.

blake didn't think they did anything wrong. at least when it came to the constant doorbell ditching of this guy. and i told him that they were doing it repeatedly to that one person BECAUSE of his nationality. and that it was NOT okay to pick on someone because of what they look like, or how their voice sounds when they speak.

i talked to him about peer pressure and about being the person who stands idly by while your friends do fucked up things (clearly, not in those words). and how even if you're not the one doing the action... or not the person saying the words... you're just as guilty when you stand by and allow it to happen. especially when it's wrong.

i realize that blake is young and he's still learning.. and there is a lot more peer pressure coming his way in life. it's just that i don't want to teach him intolerance. i don't want to teach him to hate. and i want him to know that when his friends do stupid shit (cause they ALL will) that he doesn't have to be a part of it.

so now i'm clearly thinking and affected by what should have been an innocent game of doorbell ditch- i'm horrified at our children.

horrified and wondering if we're raising our kids to be intolerant? are we raising them to hate arabs? i mean, sure.. we're all happy that we finally got osama bin laden... but in our happiness to rid our country of terrorists, are we teaching our kids to think that all arabs are potential enemies? do we speak words of hate so flippantly around them that they don't know the difference anymore?

it just made me think about the whole generation of kids who were barely even old enough to remember what happened on 9/11.... but still harbor all of the hatred and anger in regards to it as if they were standing there the day the towers fell. they are still too young to truly understand everything that happened, yet they clearly have opinions on the subject.

i'm scared that we're raising our kids to hate and be intolerant of one another. to cheer and think it's okay to harrass a neighbor simply based on his ethnicity. to make comments like he might bomb you if you make him mad enough. to think that comments like those are FUNNY.

it's not really that different than how people treated blacks at one point in time? but haven't we learned from all of that? i mean, aren't we horrified as a people now, when we look back at how we treated them then? don't those stories make us sick to our stomach to even think about? don't we shake our heads wondering just how the heck anyone ever thought that kind of behavior was okay? don't we want to be better than we once were?

i always thought so.

or maybe i've just always hoped so.

Friday, May 13, 2011

is my kid the only one

who comes home from school as if he hasn't eaten all day?

i mean, i remember coming home from school and wanting a snack... needing like a bite of something to eat.  but the boy? he gets home and wants a full freaking meal!  I mean, he wants dinner.... and then dinner again later.  i'm not kidding. 

the first thing out of his mouth after he literally BLASTS through the front door and YELLS either "hi mom" or "hi ster" is always..... "i'm starving, what can i have?"

if course he hates everything we have in the house, even if HE picked it!  but when he does find food he wants, it seriously is like a complete replica of what i packed him for lunch. whyyyyyyyy is he so hungry?

what the heck?  are your kids this hungry after school?  what do you feed the monsters?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

and then a bee flew in my window


so picture this... i'm driving on the freeway, windows part of the way down, rocking out to some fun music...

all of a sudden, something FLIES into my window and like VIOLENTLY smacks me in the face. i sit there thinking to myself, what the fuck was that? a rock? a piece of something? and where did it come from. that freaking hurt.

i look down.

and there is a BEE in my lap. it's totally stunned because it just powerhoused into the side of my face, but it's little legs are trying to move. but then i start freaking out because hello, I AM ALLERGIC TO BEES and now there is one in my mother fucking lap.

dear lord help me... i start wondering if i should pull over on the freeway right now and jump out of my car and do some crazy "get this bee off of me" dance... or if i should wait until the exit.

so i wait.

and thankfully there's a red light.


so i haul ass out of my car and i'm flipping my shirt all around and i look down AND THAT STUPID BEE IS STUCK TO MY SHIRT. it won't get off.

so then i start freaking out... cause clearly i'll have to live with a bee on my shirt for the rest of my life if i can't get it off of me RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!

this is dramatic, huh?

so finally, i do some crazy flick like move and the bee falls to the ground. the people in the car behind me aren't sure what to make of me so i wave and smile at them and then hop in my car and drive off.


but all i keep thinking is how the hell did that bee end up in my car in the first place?! i mean, what are the odds? that has so never happened to me before.. has it happened to you?!


Wednesday, May 04, 2011

oh, HI!

it's so weird.. what the warm weather does to me.

first of all, i freaking LOVE it. i mean, L-O-V-E!!!!! it makes me so incredibly happy to wake up and have it be warm. to walk outside and not shiver in the freezing air that greets me.


but it's funny, how when it's warm out.... i not only get really happy.... i want to have all the windows down in my car... i want to BLAST music that screams SUMMERTIME fun! i want to shake my blonde hair everywhere... i love my sunglasses and my tan. and i get all cocky in a way.

which is so weird, but really... the heat makes me feel all badass. don't ask why. nothing has changed from a cold day to a hot one- but i get all.. WOO HOO, LOOK AT ME AND MY FINE SELF!

things could be worse.

but the most interesting thing i've found about the warm weather, is how i subconsciously want to write. my books i mean.

i think it's because i started writing my first book (in dreams) last summer. and so there is something about when the weather is hot that makes my creative juices boil. i have been coming apart at the seams lately. bursting with ideas, creativity, thoughts, and stories for my books!

i want to write.

because it's warm.

which is all sorts of awesome.

and probably weird. lol

anyway, hope y'all are doing awesome. hope it's warm where you are! xoxo