one year ago

i got my life back.

one year ago, i started to put back together the broken pieces within me that had been so shattered, so beaten, so abused.

one year ago, my life began again.

no more would i find myself battling headaches so severe & spontaneous that no amount of excedrin would take the pain away. no more would i find myself hysterically crying at the dinner table wondering how much more i could take before i would literally break and fall apart. and what would that breaking from the inside out really feel like? would i be fine one day, and then literally unable to move the next? no more would i have to wonder if what people were saying was the truth. questioning the intentions of those around me. wondering who was a person of their word and who wasn't. surrounded by those filled with less integrity than i care to measure. would i have a complete and total meltdown that led people to sincerely question my sanity? because i was coming unraveled. and i knew it. i just felt powerless to stop it.

so one year ago, i got it all back.

my sanity. my perspective. the remembrance that no amount of money is worth losing your happiness over (and i carry this information with me as subtlety as a tattoo on my face) the chance to find myself again. to be truly happy. to love myself and everything that i am again. to believe in me. to remember that i have value, am a good person, and am a fucking great employee. to do things i'd never had the time to do before (write! real! books!). to spend more time with my son than i ever had in his entire life thus far. sure, we had far less money. but you know what? we survived. we had fun. and i had the best tan i'd had in years.

one year ago, i got fired.

and i couldn't be more thankful for that blessing.

the last of the road trip

going home is always awesome. it did kind of suck that the weather was completely craptastic. i mean, i get enough crappy weather living up here. so now that we're gone of course.. it's supposed to be 80 degrees all week.

here are the last of the super fun pics we took, and things we did. i love being home. i can't put it into words, but those of you who truly know me, know how it feels for me to be where i belong. i won't sugar coat that fact anymore.

a necessary visit everytime i go home. miss you friend.

customer appreciation day means GINORMOUS SUNDAE TIME!!!!

and snow on the grapevine! and silly pictures of ourselves during our long ass drive! we love being together.. me and the boy have loads of fun. :)

today was filled with DISNEY!

of the land and the adventure kind!!!! :)

because i live dangerously (and risk potentially losing my phone.. clearly i am CRAZY!!!!) this is me and my brother DURING big thunder mountain railroads ride. HAHAHAH


we.love.pretzels!!! of the mickey mouse kind.



cindy (@californiaboys) came to see me! YAY!!! she was gorgeous and awesome and wonderful! :) but it was awesome because i was texting her once she said she was IN THE PARK!!!! and i was like "awesome! i'm wearing bright ass yellow!!!" to which she responds with something like "cool." and i was dying... like well what the hell are you wearing?!?! so i ask her. she responds with, "black." LOL this was going to be hard.
this is us without our sunglasses on...

and then with, for the papparazzi.. you know how it is. (right dan?)


me and my brother (did i mention that he awesomely drove out last minute from vegas to do disney with us! rad!!!)


a horse. i love horsies. this is his butt. ha


last, but not least.. me and the boy

road tripping part 2

today was filled with awesomeness! in the form of the warner bros lot(s)!!!! i freaking love being home. i love being in so cal. i love being where movies happen.. tv shows happen.. talk shows happen.. life happens!!!! i love the entertainment industry, and in all honesty... i think i've forgotten just HOW much. i think i try to constantly tell myself i'm okay and it's fine that i'm not working in it currently... and that i'm not in la working is perfectly fine.

as.mother.f'n.if.

thanks for the reminder.

warner bros is my most favorite lot out of all the movie lots... i just think it's the most awesome and fun and lively. :) (paramount, you own me in the old school charm category)

here's a subway station replica... bye blake!


if you watch pretty little liars, you might recognize the next couple of pictures






the friends fountain!


my new house


come on in!


sets are fun! so is my life. :)

oh yeah.. stage #26 at warner bros.. well,look closely at the last thing filmed in the tv section. DUR. WINNING!

road trippin

the boy and i are road trippin this week! so i'm taking y'all along... sorry if this is a repeat for any of you. HA! :)

LOVE any sign that says LOS ANGELES and SOUTH on it! that's where we're heading!


and clearly, it makes us both extremely happy!


but the boy is easily bored.. even when we take an entire new way home with all sorts of things to see- he'd still rather look at the birds of anger.


when we got our first glimpse of the ocean, i made blake roll down the window in the pouring rain and try to take a good pic. yeah. this is what we got instead. it'll have to do.


after stopping to visit my gf meg (waiting on a pic from her. she's slow. she's meg)

we stopped for pea soup (why does everyone hate on pea soup?! it's good fuckers)... i used to come here as a kid on our way to solvang! it was tradition.. and now i made blake do it too. i love forcing my childhood traditions on my child! it's good to be the parent.



more to come!!!!!

significance & japan links

when things like the earthquake and tsunami in japan happen, it really reminds me how much of an asshole i am sometimes. i mean, really...
"i can't get a book agent." wah.
"no one wants to publish my book." wah.

it's just so ignisificant in the grand scheme of things. and when i think about what TRULY matters in life- at least to me- big fucking boo hoo that i haven't published my book (yet). i understand that i have dreams and goals and those things are important to me. and it's completely okay to want things, want to accomplish things..... but i'm just saying that for me, what really matters is that the people i love are safe.

that all the people i care about are okay.

and by the way california.... do you have your earthquake preparedness kit ready? i have one in the car, but i really need one in the house. or under my bed. or something. and i always freak that i don't have enough water (cause um, i sort of always drink it all).


so here are some links that i think are important.. how to help japan if you can... and other nifty links.

Maki is a blogger who has ties to Japan and she is blogging, tweeting and updating news that she gets. she also has an incredible list of how to help and organizations that you can donate too.
Japan Earthquake: How to help, personal update

Sachiko is from Japan... and although she is not living there currently, her family is still there. she is deeply affected by everything going on there right now (obviously) and her blog posts are moving and touching.

yahoo has a great list of links for how to help.

the sf gate has a great post on what we all need for emergency preparedness kits.. it includes food, water, first aid, clothing, etc. it's pretty detailed, but we should all try to make something to keep in a backpack or in something easy to grab in a hurry.

love. xoxo

hopefully this is my last post

about bank of freaking america.

are you sick of reading about the loan modification program that i've been talking about for the last YEAR? i am sick as fuck from writing about it.

let's recap, shall we?

got fired at the very end of march last year.
filed immediate paperwork for home loan modification.. so let's say, april.
was told a decision would be made by 90 days. (i remember thinking 90 days was crazy long and holy shit, i'll have a new job by then so it won't matter.. this sucks)
loss of paperwork
refill out paperwork
resend to someone, who will only give us a fax number, but no phone number to contact them
208342094 phone calls to 2139812093 different people who all say different things.
lose paperwork again
say we aren't qualified.. let them know if our situation changes
followed by an immediate additional letter saying our situation is in the final stages. we should hear in 30 days.
i think that was about .. i dunno, 75 or so days ago


to this:
checked my bank account the other day. and instead of the normal mortgage amount, there was almost EIGHT HUNDRED ADDITIONAL DOLLARS TAKEN OUT!!!!!

EIGHT.HUNDRED.DOLLARS.

listen up fuckheads, i need HELP with my mortgage. i don't need you to go into my bank account, WITHOUT ANY WARNING, and take out an additional 800 dollars from my account.

and that's the part that really gets me. that i've been in this program, trying to get help with the loan for almost an ENTIRE YEAR. and just now they start taking out extra money. without saying a thing? what if that money wasn't there? then what? and that money WAS there, because it goes towards NEXT MONTHS MORTGAGE, assholes. i just don't get why they have the right to take extra money without saying a word?!?!?

and when i called, you know what they told me?

it's some sort of escrow fund (to cover taxes, which are completely up to date, and homeowners insurance, which is already paid through the entire year)... and if i want that money to STOP being taken out EACH MONTH FROM NOW ON, then i have to OPT OUT of the modification program.

for which, we have NOT YET BEEN APPROVED FOR, mind you.

and have i mentioned that the amount they took out is far over what is needed to cover the taxes & insurance anyway????

what the fuck is up with this?!?! i mean, is this seriously how all banks are doing business now? do people know this shit is going on? does the government? do they care?!??!

so let me get this straight:
you ask for help
they string you along for as long as they can
they lie
"lose" paperwork constantly
don't give you anyone to talk to on a consistant basis
then take out money (that you don't have) IN ADDITION to your current mortgage, and expect you to not default on your loan?!?!?!?

bank of america, next month our mortgage will be short almost 800 dollars. i sure hope to shit you can figure the fuck out why.

and i'm sure this will be all our fault.

and you'll foreclose on us.

because you totally suck at this whole HELPING PEOPLE STAY IN THEIR HOMES thing.

can we talk about teachers?

i realize i might be stirring up some big emotional debate on here.. but hey, that's what blogging is for. to get people talking. although NO ONE talks on my freaking blog anymore.. it's all comments on facebook, and emails, and texts... COMMENT HERE DAMMIT. great discussions happen in the comments section of blogs people. you can comment anonymously, with a name, or whatever.. just do what i tell you. ha :)

okay... so my friend kristina just posted on her book of faces about how disappointed she was in the education system and how "new, great, loves kids and teaching more than anything teachers got laid off while other tenured, not-so-great, couldn't care less about the kids, teachers still hold their job."

and before i knew it.. i was on kind of a rant. i started thinking about how flawed that system is. which quickly led to more thinking (never a good thing) about how the hell tenure started in the first place? how did we, as a society, get to a point where people were GUARANTEED they could not be fired from their jobs (without something major happening), regardless of how shitty they are at them? i mean, what other jobs do this? i'm honestly asking, cause i don't know. is it a union thing?

so then i commented on her post with the following:
"i feel like it's a super flawed system.. i mean, who else gets to keep their jobs no matter how much they suck at them, how much they hate them, how passed the times they are, how out of touch with today's youth they are, how mean, how ineffective... or simply based on seniority?"

and i mean.. this is teaching for pete's sake. a job where you should care.. i mean, really care about what it is you're doing. you should want to be there. you should love what you do (although we all hate parts of what we do, and i would assume that teaching is no different.. i'm sure i'd want to kill most parents, and all the shitty kids at some point) and i'm not saying that just because someone is older they should get the ax and be fired. god, i don't think that about any job. no one should be replaced because of their age.... but when effectiveness (and INeffectiveness) comes into play, that's when there's a problem.

so why is teaching different?

why is it that once your tenured, you're almost completely protected? until what? you die? or retire? i mean... if you're a teacher and you read my blog, tell me what you think IS affective about tenure.. what isn't? do you think it's a good thing? and not just because it protects the hell out of your job. do you think it's a flawed idea.. one that's out of date?

i guess mostly, i feel like tenure guarantees that crappy teachers can keep their jobs, while great ones can't.

but i'm not a teacher. i'm not in the educational system, so the truth is... that i don't know if that's even what tenure actually means or not?!?! so if i'm wrong, PLEASE tell me. i'm fully capable of admitting my wrongness (it is so rare- ha).

talk to me people.

heartbreak & why being a mom totally sucks

so my son has his first real heartbreak. and i know that he's only 12, and 12 is too young to have a hurt heart... but he has one... and dammit, it's freaking sad.

i hurt for him, because he's hurting. i see that he's sad and doesn't understand what he did "wrong." and i try to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong. that sometimes girls want certain things from their boyfriends, but they don't tell them any of it, until it's too late. i think he just wishes she would have told him what she wanted before just breaking up with him.

but all that aside... can i just say that being a mom totally freaking sucks?! i mean, he's 12. he got dumped. big deal, right? but he's hurt... and he's sad... and THAT MAKES ME HURT FOR HIM!!! and i was sitting there last night, with my heart in pain for my little boy... thinking, how can i hurt this much for him already?! what the hell is going to happen when he has a real girlfriend and really gets his heart broke? how the hell will i live through that?

it sucks so much to see your kid hurting. all you want to do is just swoop inside there and fix the little crack in his heart. i know it's a part of life, and in all honesty.... hurting for love is the best kind of hurt there is... because you learn so much from it. but it's also the most painful. and i just hate that he's in pain.

i hate the way it makes me feel. in pain and helpless. powerless to make it better. knowing that all it will take is time (hopefully he'll be better by today! he is 12 lol) but still, how do all you moms do it? how do you live through the heartache of your kids?

dear little league snack shack

i realize the entire world is obsessed with becoming "healthy" ... eating "healthy" foods.. and pushing "healthy" products down everyone's throats....

but i'm sorry, no one in their right mind is expecting "healthy" foods when they visit their local little league snack shack (this isn't to say that healthy options should not be a part of the menu.. they totally should. yay for healthy shit.)

so, when y'all told me yesterday that you replaced the nacho cheese sauce for your nachos with "all natural" and "healthier" shredded cheese that you melt in a microwave... well.. i was kinda pissed. if i wanted shredded cheese on my chips, i could buy that shit and do it myself at home. when i buy nachos from a snack shack, i want CHEESE SAUCE. CHEESE. SAUCE. i don't want shredded cheese. i don't want stupid cheese that tastes like crap when you melt it. i want fake cheese that comes in a can, that you heat up, and drip all over my chips.

see, that's what nachos are.

they are unhealthy chips, with an even unhealthier cheese like substance drenched all over it. and that's how i like my nachos. that how most kids like their nacho's. that's what the world expects when you ask for nachos at a snack bar! am i right, or am i right?!?!?! (or maybe i'm just a nacho nazi?)

i think the worst part was that the person working in the snack shack.... she actually told me that if they sold the nachos with that cheese sauce in a can, she'd have to pass out cholesterol pills with each one. seriously? and then she went on some rant about how the cheese in a can is SO BAD for you.. and that the real cheese is so much better.. blah blah, who gives a shit?!?!

shouldn't that be my choice? shouldn't i get to decide how i want my nachos? i mean, i appreciate the concern and all.. but.. wait. no i don't. actually, i don't appreciate the concern. not at all.

and in all honesty, if they're all so concerned about selling things that are good for you, and not putting bad stuff in your bodies.... then why the hell are they selling soda's and candy bars???? oh yeah, cause shit loads of sugar is totally acceptable. kids can eat candy, bubble gum, chips, ice cream, and wash all that shit down with a sugar filled soda... but heaven forbid they eat fake cheese!!!!!!

oh well, that's what taco bell is for. i love taco bell. LONG LIVE CHEESE SAUCE!!!!!!!!

so, i might be crazy

and maybe that's why i don't update this blog enough?! or maybe it's the fact that i have FOUR.. no wait, make that FIVE websites!

wait.. is that right?
1. cupcakes
2. writing
3. main site
4. blog
5. photography..

yep.. that's 5. who in their right mind has FIVE WEBSITES?!?!?!?

so um.. i've posted some really pretty and sexy boudoir shots i took on my photography blog. and i posted some oscar cupcakes on my cupcakes blog. and of course i'm constantly updating my writing blog.

maybe i should update all the sites in one place? no, that won't work. but i can't send y'all to FIVE freaking websites all the time, right?! but i can't also expect myself to update 5 different websites every single day. good lord, how do people do it?! advice from the multi-taskers out there?! advice from any of you who have multiple websites that you update often? or at least try too???

for the love.. maybe i will update them individually, and also post some here?!

this really shouldn't be this hard. lol

ok, here are some of the pics i took:








and here are the oscar cupcakes.








okay. that's it. you're up to date now. lol but you should still probably check the other websites.. you know, just to be safe.