Monday, January 31, 2011

for the love

you might be asking yourself just what the hell is going on here?!?! i know, i know.. the blog looks.. well... i dunno. craptastic? busy? messy? ugh.

i've realized that i'm never satisfied when it comes to designing things. i will literally spend days on end doing it- then hate it the next day. i'm completely annoying. does it look like a box of crayons threw up in here?! what am i... 5?

also, i can't figure out how to make the lines on the sidebar go down the entire length of the page, instead of just the length of the sidebar. also.. can't change the fucking size of the posting font. AND, can't get the drop down archives or categories to work. stupid coding dumbness.

i leave on wednesday for my girls trip to arizona with the babes! can't.freaking.wait!!!!! :) had a big fundraiser this past saturday for blake's travel baseball team. need to get on some serious fundraising, because cooperstown isn't cheap! but i can't wait to go! so looking forward to baseball in new york! and the hall of fame! awesome!

i've been posting some pictures on the other pages (photography and cupcakes) if you want to see what i've been up to! feel like i'm never here. feel like i'm never anywhere except for on this computer chair (which makes my ass ridiculously sore) and starting at html coding. i really should pay someone to do this for me.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

the fear of.. SUCCESS?

this is a little bit of a crazy post for me to write.. because well, to me.. the topic is just kind of insane. but hear me out.

since i've been unemployed (holy shit people, we are coming up on a year at the end of march. A YEAR!!!!) i've been having to get creative and think about what it is i really want to do with myself. i keep coming back to the same kinds of things. and it's probably because they are all things i enjoy doing in my free time. but the honest to god truth is, i don't think i'd want to do just one of them all the time.


i take that back. cause i would be perfectly fine with writing my novels all the time. :)

okay.. so i'm in the middle of redesigning my personal website to make it less personal in terms of pictures of my family and stuff.. but more personal in terms of the kind of things i'd like to offer. you can all have a piece of jennster!!!! for a price. lol no. what i mean is that i'm trying to put together one place where all my interests exist. where everything that i'd like to offer in terms of services, can be found in one centralized location. those things are, my books i'm writing and WILL publish one way or another, photography for myself and others, cupcakes for myself and others, and this here blog.

wow. somewhere along the road to my point, i've taken a huge detour. *ahem*

so with all these services, it has me thinking about whether or not i can turn these into something that makes me enough money to live off of? basically, can i be successful at any (or ALL) of these things? and then when i think about it..... for example, say my cupcakes really took off and suddenly i had people ordering from me everyday.

that whole concept scares the living shit out of me. like right now, just thinking about that, makes my stomach and chest feel weird. and i realized just this afternoon, that that feeling i am feeling...


and not even the fear of failing. it's the mother fucking FEAR OF SUCCEEDING!!!!!! who the hell fears being a success?!?

so then i was talking to myself in the car, telling myself that i was scared of something becoming successful. but why? what about it scares me? is it the fact that i'd have to really follow through on the concept? was i scared of feeling like i "had" to do something that right now i tell myself i do because i don't "have" too? or is it the fact that succeeding is such a foreign feeling, that it's incredibly scary because it's unknown?

i don't fear failing.

i've failed before.

i don't care that i've "failed." but failing... trying something and having it not work at all... totally feels FINE to me. it doesn't scare me. it doesn't make my chest tighten up. it doesn't make me feel anything WEIRD.


it's almost like it's expected. like i expect, or just assume that i'll fail. (this is NOT a self pity thing at all, so please do not read into like that.. there is NO self pity here, no lack of awesomeness, no lack of love for self.... just apparently lack of something?!)

i don't know... maybe because i know what failing feels like? since it's not an unfamiliar feeling, it doesn't scare me? i'm scared to succeed because i feel like that is the unknown. doing something on my own and trying to make a living from it... that is unfamiliar to me. having it actually work? again, my chest just tried to make my heart stop beating.... i feel like i wouldn't know what to do with myself.

so apparently i have a fear of success. even though i want things to be good, and i want to be good doing them... i fear it.

is that completely not normal? people, i need you. talk to me.

Monday, January 24, 2011

okay. really.

this whole website redesign thing is getting ridiculous. lol my eyes.. they hurt people. like i want to put ice packs on them everynight. or cucumbers? cause what if all this designing is giving me EYE WRINKLES! i don't need to LOOK old!!!!!

i have been busting my ass, and working pretty much day and night on all of these sites. my author/writing website is FINALLY completed! as of late friday night, i could not be happier with how pretty and rad the website looks! do me a favor and check it out? and thanks!!!

next on the list? my super delicious and fastactically yummy cupcakes!!!! just a few more changes to the main navigation and that will be all updated and cute and fun!

i need to work on the blog here a little bit (have you noticed the banner looks like it's on a crash diet?!) yeah. resizing is a bitch.

so that's why i haven't been here. or anywhere. because i can't step away from my laptop long enough to STOP.DESIGNING.BUTTONS (boyfriend is going to hurt someone if he hears me talk about these flipping "buttons" one more time). is what i'm about to work on RIGHT AFTER I HIT PUBLISH on this post. so then... everything should be up and running (including a nifty new photography section)! which is exciting! because clearly, i can't get a real job, so i'm going to do my damndest to try to get paid doing all the things i really enjoy doing for people. :) what makes a better life than that really? doing things you like doing. and not just doing ONE thing, but doing all the things you're good at? all the things you love? i'm really excited at all the possibilities. i'll be even more excited if they all start bringing in money to live off of. lol


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the publishing wars

since i have written my first book ( and i have every intention to continue writing.. i have become increasingly interested in traditional publishing (trying to interest a agent enough to sign you and then having them convince a publishing house it's good enough to print) vs self publishing (basically exactly what it sounds like...doing it yourself).

i came upon some heated debates from authors who have been published, but claim they would never go that route again. they are now self publishing and they see more profits, but they also keep their rights to what they wrote.

since this is something i am just starting to really research the pro's and con's about....i was wondering if you had any insight?

i mean, i think for me i am trying to go the traditional route because that's what you're supposed to do.. and in all honesty, i'm probably also doing it that way cause it's harder. way.harder. but in the end, if i cant get someone to give me a shot, i will self publish. cause i want my story and my characters out there, and that can't happen if they're not published in any format.

so my question is for all of you who have kindles and e-readers.... how do you choose books to buy? how do you browse for books? do you read titles and authors you've never heard of before? i just want some insight cause i dont have an ereader so i don't get how they list books and stuff.

and if you wrote a book and wanted it published... what would you do?
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Friday, January 14, 2011

the post where i tell sears to blow me

what is it with corporate america and their ability to make me want to tell them to go fuck themselves?!?!?!

right this very moment (okay, more like 20 minutes ago) i realized the fridge was broken. it was flashing an E F error code.. which of course, you have no idea what that means unless you look it up online. the manual doesn't say anything about any flashing error codes. no codes, no flashing, no nothing. stupid manual.

so i called sears. because that's where we got our kenmore elite fridge from. sears. i'm pretty sure that call i made was routed to.. i dunno, zimbabwe maybe... maybe it was kentucky? all i know is that there was some major breakdown in communication along the way.

them- "what phone number is associated with your account when you bought the fridge?"
me- "oh geez, i'm not sure.. try this number."
them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "shoot, i'm sorry. okay, try this one."

them- "no account is showing with that number."
me- "crap. i dunno, how about this?"
them- "no account is showing with that number."
by this point i'm thinking that maybe i'm talking to a robot. so i give her 1 more phone number and pray to the fridge gods that it's the right one.
them- "yes, that works."
praise the freaking lord cause i was running out of numbers to choose from lady.
them- "can you give me the name associated with the account?"
me- "yes. it's jenn"
them- "thank you janet."


after i revived myself, she informed me that the soonest a technician would be in my area (cause clearly, they're flying in from zimbabwe.. or riding a horse from kentucky), would be on tuesday, the 25th. THE TWENTY MOTHER FUCKING FIFTH.

that is eleven days away. eleven days. you know what happens to food without a freezer or a fridge in 11 days?

yes, you in the back waving your hand violently?

does it go bad and spoil, miss janet?

someone give the girl a prize!!!

it spoils. it unfreezes. it melts. IT ROTS.

it's a total and complete loss. awesome.

so unless sears wants to send me a $300 gift card to a local grocery store to replace all of the food i will lose WAITING on my non bon bon eating ass (cause i don't eat warm ice cream bitches) for the next 11 days.... HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

and listen, i realize that there are things going on in the world.. maybe going on in your world, that are far more serious than my fridge breaking. i'm not trying to say omg, people are dying, BUT MY FRIDGE IS MELTING MY ICE CREAM (at least you can afford ice cream, janet!!!!).
and it's not like my dishwasher broke and heaven forbid i have to hand wash dishes until it's fixed. or my stove broke and so i won't be able to cook anything on the stove.. which would stuck, but still.. totally liveable. this is the one thing in the home that houses your food and without it.. um... your food doesn't last... it doesn't keep. why the hell am i defending this?

the point of my frustration is that i'm sick and tired of not feeling cared about by anyone or anything (business speaking). you sold me a product. i did nothing to make it break. it's broken. it's not even 3 years old. and you want me to wait until all my food has spoiled to come and fix it. and on top of that, you'd probably charge me some ridiculous price to make it do what it's supposed to do in the first place. i'm sick of companies not caring. i'm sick of feeling like customer service is the last priority on the business grid anymore. it disgusts me. how does anyone stay in business when they treat people this way?

sears, if you ask people to wait 11 days before you can fix something like a refridgerator- you're kind of an asshole and you have an efficiency problem you should be looking into fixing. maybe you don't have enough technicians. hire some. all i know is that if you don't remedy this, i can guarantee that i'll never buy a single thing from your company again. not even if you were the last company on earth. i'd build it myself. with my robot lady from zimbabwekentucky and whoever the fuck janet is.

my head... it hurts. i always say that huh? it's still true though. for about a week now i have been working on a complete and total redesign for jennster, as well as all the projects i constantly have in the fire. ot is beyond time consuming. mostly i think because i dont really know what i'm doing so everything takes me days to code, design, and build. i am hoping that with the help of the awesome emily (at left shoe media), my new website will be spectacular and everything i want it to be! i am beyond excited..... but still nowhere near done.

so that is where i've been this entire week (aside from some interviews and working on a baseball fundraiser)!! i have been staring bleary eyed at my laptop..desperately searching for ideas and how to make what i want work. i think my brain is only so creative....everything i envision looks the fucking same.

i sent out 4 queries yesterday to book agents with a whole new hook. we'll see what happens! i really love my characters and the story they tell, so hete's to hoping i get to share them with you soon!

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Monday, January 10, 2011

the book! i wrote!

i pretty much can say that i'm done writing my first young adult novel (again). i mean, sure, i still have minor edits to make when it comes to tenses, and the wording, and the fact that i repeat things. but the story, and everything i was working on adding, developing more, describing more... DONE! :)

i feel really good about it!

so good in fact that i made a website for all the books i intend to write (yes, i will write MORE!THAN!ONE!). it's nowhere near complete, and to be honest... i'm in the middle of a HUGE website redesign that i can't wait to launch and announce because i'm super excited about it.

but for now, go check out my writer website (pen name) J-Sterling. also, you can "like" me on facebook!!!!!

now the other hard part begins... again. quering the agents and getting them to WANT to read the book you know is so damn good. it really is difficult to sum up an entire book in one hook sentence and one following paragraph. but you know what? people do it all the time. and they get agents to request their books all the time. AND SO I KNOW I CAN DO IT TOO!

so that's the update! i'm really hoping that i'll have more exciting news about the future of my writing.. or whatever else it is i decide to tackle! :) today, i'm going to talk with a group of teen mom's. i'm excited. it's flattering that my girlfriend chose me to talk to them about staying in school.. not giving up on their dreams.. and believing in themselves. i really hope that what i tell them can help make a small difference in their life. i'm sure simply meeting them will make a difference in mine.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

why i didn't win the mega millions

and no, it wasn't because i didn't buy a ticket.

because i did.

it was because only one of my numbers was drawn.


mega millions sucks. i hate it. i've finally decided that playing the mega millions, super lotto and those things, are kind of like playing the tables in casino's. and i hate the tables in casino's!!! it's too easy to lose money fast! i hate losing. so now i hate the MM and i'll never play again.

*insert 5 year old temper tantrum here*

i like the scratchers! they're like the slot machines of the lottery. totally up my alley. random, silly fun for like 2 whole seconds. but those 2 whole seconds while you're scratching are super exciting! anything could happen! you could win the biggest prize! or better yet, 20 bucks. admit it.. when you win 20 bucks on a stupid scratcher you get excited. kind of like watching the dumb wheels of a slot machine turn and turn wondering what they'll land on.

clearly, i have issues.

but see, i want to win money! and i want to win more than scratchers (and most slot machines) can give me. so i played the mega millions. and got ONE DUMB NUMBER. and so today i'm all pissy. cause it wasn't even fun. and i hate losing. and i want money. and i want a lot of it. cause i want all sorts of things. and i want to have more money than i know what to do with, cause that would be FUN! and i want property everywhere. i want my biggest concern to be which house we want to spend our vacation at. could you imagine? "oh gosh, we are just so torn over whether we should go to our villa in italy, or our castle in ireland." do they have castles in ireland?

i just want stuff. i want houses. and condo's. and apartments. and villa's. and a new car (or 5). and a puppy (or 12). i totally also want some sort of enormous salt water pool so i can have a dolphin. and if i won the lottery, i could totally have a dolphin. because people can't resist wads of cash for things they aren't supposed to sell you. and plus i'm a girl, so i'd just cry or something to get my way. so yeah. you'd be all jealous of me and my dolphin... who of course would have magical healing powers and would know if someone was sick, or had cancer or some disease.. and could heal them. and then people would travel from all over the world to visit my magical, healing, jesus dolphin and my house would turn into some kind of circus because freaking yahoo put it on their front page and then that just made even more people want to visit my dolphin. and i'd get all bitter and pissed off and say things like "of course out of ALL the dolphins in the whole entire world, i had to go and pick the magical healing one. GREAT!"

... maybe i won't get a dolphin afterall.

stupid life ruining dolphin.

if i won the lottery, i could buy off a book agent, and then a publishing house and before you know it, i'd have a published novel. oh yes, i have no shame. i love my book and if i had to bribe someone to publish it, i'd totally do it. cause i'd be rich and completely not above that sort of thing.

wow, just pretend rich and i've already lost all my morals. i think this is what happens when someone stays unemployed for too long. or maybe this is what happens when you're just me.

so, um, back on track... did you play the crazy mega millions for yesterday? better yet, did you win? HA :)

Sunday, January 02, 2011

oh, deer.

2 years ago when we went to my mom's for christmas... we just happened to be driving around god knows where and we literally happened upon a shit load of deer. they were in this one neighborhood and there were tons of them.

it was stunning seeing them so up close and i was happy i had my camera with me.

so this year, 2 years later, when we back to my mom's for christmas... it was a high priority to me to see if the deer were still hanging around that neighborhood.

imagine how happy i was to see that they were! i just think this is so freaking cool. and blake loves seeing them all like this. totally awesome. :)






these deer are my new tradition. i hope they never leave. :)