Tuesday, January 26, 2010

i'm alive... barely.

i know i've been m.i.a. lately. i'm in a crappy kind of place. i know i keep saying that, but it's affecting every single aspect of my life.

i feel weighed down so heavily that i can physically feel it in the pit of my stomach.. with every breathe i take in my ribs.. on my shoulders and in my head.

it's been rough.

but it will get better! this i know. i'm determined to make some positive changes because i'm the only one who can do it. no one lives my life for me. and if i sit around waiting for someone else to "save" me, or someone else to "fix" my situation for me.... well fuck, i could be sitting around for years. and why would i put my life in someone else's hands like that, when it's not necessary? why would i live on someone else's timeline for my personal change, when i should be living on my own?

i need to take the steps to make certain changes in my life. because the way i'm currently living is not healthy. and it's not okay with me on any level of my being.

i know things happen for a reason. and i'm 100 percent crystal fucking clear on why these things are happening now. i totally get the bigger picture. i just wish it wasn't so difficult. but i understand why it is.

big change sometimes requires a lot of force. not effort. not work.


and that hurts. and is hard. because when things are forced upon you, you usually want to fight back. you want to resist. because you're not ready yet. or willing. or you just need a little bit more time.

but sometimes things are out of your control. and it's not on your timeline. and it doesn't work the way you want it too. cause you want it to work out easy and pretty and with a little bow on top. but that's not life.

at least it's not mine. (this time around anyway)

my path is changing course.. whether i'm on board or not. i'd better get on board.


kris said...

Wishing you luck and some ease through what sounds like a really tough fucking process. Your Interwebs are here. :)

Unknown said...

Good luck! I know the process you're going through and its not easy.

Meg said...

I love you, Ster! I'm sorry you're going through shit now, but I hope it works out for you. I'm here if you need me!

judy in ky said...

So true! Sometimes you just have to take control of your own life. Otherwise, you end up just going with the flow, not ending up where you want to be.

Sonia said...

I wish I could offer you some assvice of some sort! Instead, I'll wish you good luck, and tell you that I KNOW you'll get through whatever this is, with flying colors. Because you're Ster. *Smooches*

Lara said...

I pink-puffy-heart you! I am sending warm wishes and hugs to you.

Katie said...

Good luck! You are one fucking determined girl and you will make it out on top of whatever it is that is getting you down!

steenky bee said...

Sister Hooker-I've been experiencing a slump too. Wrapping up on 8 months of depression here. I watched a lot of Jersey Shore if that helps. Big loves your way and your awesome and you can do this thing.

Jill said...


Never wrestle with a pig...you only get muddy and the pig likes it!

Jenna said...

Just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and that whatever you are going through, I hope everything turns out well for you in the end...Hugs across the internet.

Tammy said...

Hey Jennster, I'm sorry things have been hard lately. I know you have plenty of people who love and support you but if you need an extra ear, I'm here! Miss you ex-cubical roommie.


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texas math said...

Hang in there....

Jason, as himself said...

Do things really happen for a reason? Sometimes I think they just happen. For no reason.

I'm sorry you've been in a tough place. Hope you can get out soon.