the 5 love languages

so i mentioned to y'all that while we were in arizona, the book "the 5 love languages" was brought up. and while 2 of us had read it already, 2 of us had not. so we sat there salivating at what the book was about, and we were like, "SOLD! let's go buy the book RIGHT NOW AND SAVE THE WORLD!!!"

and we did. at least the buying the book part. saving the world is still in progress.

the cliff notes version is that the book is teaching you how you ACCEPT love. and how your partner ACCEPTS love. and basically, we tend to give the type of love that we want. for example, i like to get boyfriend little gifts all the time, or if i'm out and i see something he would want, i'll buy it for him. because i totally want gifts. but that isn't how he feels loved. he doesn't "need" the gifts to feel like i love him... but i do. get it?

so it's split into 5 categories.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

i knew right away what 2 i was, and what 2 i thought boyfriend was. there is a quiz in the back for your partner to take and for you to take so you can figure out what love languages you are. but once i brought the book home and took the quiz with boyfriend..... i started to think about something.

see, my results were clearly
receiving gifts &
acts of service.
and while i don't think the acts of service part would change (because no matter what, i really appreciate any burdon that is taken off of my shoulders and any help i get so i don't feel like i'm constantly responsible for doing everything)... i started to wonder about the receiving gifts part of it.

i started to think that maybe i want the gifts and stuff because i don't get them. and is that how this works? i mean, do we want the things in our relationships that we are lacking? did i only score so high on the gifts part because i don't get them?

and what if i did get them. and what if they came at a cost?

what if boyfriend was great at giving me gifts and trips and all sorts of awesome things... but never told me he loved me? or wasn't affectionate? or a good listener? would my love language change because now i was lacking in other areas? basically, i'm wondering if your languages evolve depending on your relationship. would i want the gifts at the cost of something else? maybe. i don't know.

what i do know is that this book made me realize that i completely give boyfriend love the way i want to be loved. and that isn't what he needs. and what he does need to feel loved requires some work and effort on my part. i know that might sound shitty, but it's true. but i want him to know that i love and appreciate him, so i have to learn to show him in the ways that matter most to him.... instead of projecting the ways that i want for myself.

and he has to do the same.

because our love languages? completely different and opposite.

what do you think you are? what do you think your partner is?

i'm alive... barely.

i know i've been m.i.a. lately. i'm in a crappy kind of place. i know i keep saying that, but it's affecting every single aspect of my life.

i feel weighed down so heavily that i can physically feel it in the pit of my stomach.. with every breathe i take in my ribs.. on my shoulders and in my head.

it's been rough.


but it will get better! this i know. i'm determined to make some positive changes because i'm the only one who can do it. no one lives my life for me. and if i sit around waiting for someone else to "save" me, or someone else to "fix" my situation for me.... well fuck, i could be sitting around for years. and why would i put my life in someone else's hands like that, when it's not necessary? why would i live on someone else's timeline for my personal change, when i should be living on my own?

i need to take the steps to make certain changes in my life. because the way i'm currently living is not healthy. and it's not okay with me on any level of my being.

i know things happen for a reason. and i'm 100 percent crystal fucking clear on why these things are happening now. i totally get the bigger picture. i just wish it wasn't so difficult. but i understand why it is.

big change sometimes requires a lot of force. not effort. not work.

force.

and that hurts. and is hard. because when things are forced upon you, you usually want to fight back. you want to resist. because you're not ready yet. or willing. or you just need a little bit more time.

but sometimes things are out of your control. and it's not on your timeline. and it doesn't work the way you want it too. cause you want it to work out easy and pretty and with a little bow on top. but that's not life.

at least it's not mine. (this time around anyway)

my path is changing course.. whether i'm on board or not. i'd better get on board.

dear heidi montag

i'm going to start with a picture of you in case some people don't know who you are (which would be awesome). and also because it's the whole damn point of this post.

when the media started talking about you again recently, the first thing i thought to myself was, "oh my gosh, i haven't heard her name in so long."

and i had completely forgotten all about you and that husband of yours.

and in all honesty, it was nice.

a world where your antics and ridiculous statements (which are totally just to get people talking about you, i know) were gone.. was quite blissful. don't get me wrong, i realize i'm feeding the speidi train by even talking about you right now, but this will most likely be my last post about you ever.

i would tell you that i want to speak to you woman but woman, but after reading that article in people magazine, it became clear to me that you are a ridiculously insecure little girl. so i really can't relate. the thing that bothered me so much about everything you said was your emphasis on wanting to be a pop star. and how you are in this industry, so you "have" to do stuff like this to succeed.

but i call your bullshit.

last time i checked, no matter how much plastic surgery you buy yourself, it doesn't give you any talent. you can't be a successful pop star if your singing sucks. maybe you should have invested in vocal lessons, instead of tits. do they have brain implants? you should look into it..

and i'm sorry, but look around. what the fuck industry are you trying to succeed in exactly? cause all you look like to me now is someone fit to be fucked.

i don't see many pop stars who look the way you do. can you even smile anymore? does your face work, or is it broken? it's sad to me that you claim you had to do all of this superficial bullshit to be a success. it's even more sad that THAT exact message is what you're telling all the young girls out there who want to be pop stars, or want to act, or want to make it in hollywood someday.

you just told them that what they look like isn't good enough. you basically said it didn't matter how talented they were, if they didn't look a certain way they could never be successful. that they all have to look like playboy models and porn stars. how original. you sure stand out in LA now, don't ya? must be awesome to look just like everyone else. i can see it now.. the next playboy mansion party.. and no one will be able to tell you apart from all the other girls.

you wake up now and love your body and your face, but you still have no talent and no one wants to buy or hear your "music." you aren't selling millions of albums, or selling out concerts or doing any of the things you claimed you wanted all the plastic surgery for in the first place

in all honesty heidi, it's mostly just sad. sad that you are this young and this obsessed with changing the way you look. you're on your way to being that cat lady person. your eyes already remind me of her. i hope you stop before you get to that point. you think people make fun of you now.... shit, imagine if you were cat lady #2!! also, it kind of freaks me out that your face now looks about 35 years old. how to look 10 years older overnight! the new craze!!

i feel bad for your parents. they must be so sad and so heartbroken to hear you hate yourself so much. i know you'll say you don't hate yourself and you're still the same person inside... but honey, it's obvious that your insides are all sorts of fucked up.

cause this behavior of yours? it's not normal. i know you think it is, but it's really, really not. and i hope you wise up and truly see the beauty in yourself before it's too late... remember, cat lady #twooooooo

pics from az

i'm so annoyed because i forgot that i took more pics of ryan doing things with my cell phone and i didn't upload them for the other post!!! (i didn't always have my camera with me) did you know that ryan shopped for valentine's day presents? he also rode an escalator without holding onto the rails (he's such a big boy)... AND i caught him reading mominatrix's new book in the EROTICA section of the bookstore!!!!!!

anyway, lots of stuff going on. things that of course in the long run will be positive, but are really fucking hard right now. and it sucks. and i'm beat down, man. a girl can only take so much before she literally.fucking.breaks.

but pictures are always fun! right? right!

everyday we went to this fro-yo place called mojo's. i kept saying "mojo jojo" in my head everytime we went there. you know, from the powerpuff girls? no? whatever.
well this is us.
eating fro yo.
for like the 3rd day in a row.
it is also THEM..
letting me put my arm in a completely ridiculous way so i look all wacked out and like i have transformer body parts in this picture.


we went shopping.
and um, this perfectly coifed mannie had no head.
we each gave her ours. (except for susan cause she was on the phone selling herself for money or something)






the ladies forced me to go hiking because they hate me and want me to die.

it was pretty for the first 5 or so minutes, but then really? i'm sorry people, but all those stupid rocks look the same. so we hiked like 2 and a half miles to the end of this switchbacky trail. and then there was nowhere to go!!!! we had to turn around and walk back the entire way. i was trying to channel a helicopter, or use my mental powers of persuasion to get some golfer to offroad his golf cart and be my savior.

didn't happen.

but what did happen was me getting enormous blisters on my feet.
oh yeah, and i saw some rocks.




and really, what is up with cactus'? they look like giant hard ons and they make me laugh. i took a picture of this one's ball. ha.ha.


our last night out we went to this ridiculously amazing dinner. i might have almost cried when the bill came i realized that the tiniest glass of reisling cost $42. we're talking about 2 inches worth of wine here people. wtf?!?! anyway, we looked hot so who cares.




and then we had to leave. and although we don't look sad in this picture, we were. and we were tired. and we pretended to be famous. and in my mind, we already are.



bonus pic.... the sunset one evening..

the end. :)

we did naughty things to our waiter

hi.

i'm back from arizona.

it was so nice there. the weather is so similiar to so cal. but super quiet. the air was crazy still. and really quiet.
like, no sounds.
at all.
no planes. no dogs barking. no stupid birds chirping. it was kind of weird really. but it was warm.
and it's cold as hell here.

and pouring down rain.

and.. well... moving on.


we went shopping our first day there. we got our makeup airbrushed and we looked freaking amazing so we headed out to dinner at this cute little trendy place called olive & ivy. we ordered a ridiculous amount of food that no one could possibly eat in one sitting. and so much food that there was no more room on our table for anything else. so after about the 5th or so waiter comes by setting down another platter of food onto our already crowded table and asks us if we need anything else.... i might have said something like, "yeah, we could use some sex."

this made our young waiter blush, laugh, and run away as quick as he could. but then, a new waiter (ryan) came to our table, super professional like and said, "ladies, i heard you ordered some sex for the table. unfortunately, we're all out at the moment, but we should get our replenishment stock in about an hour or so."

and he walked away.

and we laughed our asses off. and loved that someone was ballsy enough to play with us.

so after we stuffed ourselves silly and still had ridiculous amounts of food left over, we might have mentioned that we'd take our "sex to go" along with the rest of our food.

well this caused ryan to bring over his business card in a to-go container... and to say something to the effect of since he can't fit in a box, this is the best he can do. a la- sex to go!

thus, ryan got lucky all weekend long and he didn't even know it. we brought him everywhere. he was like our own personal freaking flat stanley.

first thing we did when we brought ryan home was put him in bed. *prrrs*


ryan might have gotten in our panties.


being a waiter is tough. ryan needed to take a hot tub. but not without some floaties for support.


ryan started misbehaving, so we put him in a time out. he needed to chill with his other to-go containers.


but once he was good again, he was very good. i might have put frosting on him and licked him from head to toe.


ryan wanted to go swimming, but he needed some protection first.


all lathered up, he hit the pool.


and worked on his tan.


and mingled with the locals.


ryan was one lucky guy.

we sure hope he appreciates it.

so far in arizona

we've made silly boys blush.

we've shopped til we dropped.

we've soaked in the hot tub.

we've drank.

we've watched movies.

we've explored all around phoenix. (which means we've explored like 5 miles of it)

we've fucking worked out. insanity anyone (search beach body)?!?! ugh.

we've talked until we can't keep our eyes open any longer.

we've laughed.

we've slept in.

we adopted a waiter who is currently in the fridge.

yes, i said fridge.

more on that later.

we've eaten incredible food.

we've cried (shutup, we're women)

we bought spanx.

we bought tarot cards.

i've been reading the girls cards.

we bought "the 5 love languages."

i cannot wait to do a post on that book!

we talked ourselves of the idea of heading across the border and into mexico to go to some insane dance club... which would also be the spot of my kidnapping. since i am not ready to be kidnapped, we stayed put.

we seriously considered driving to vegas for a night. we still might.


plans still to come:

more AMAZING food!!!

bars.

dancing.

bars.

drinking.

dancing.

more movies.

more laughing.

susan thinks we're working out today but i'm putting the kabash on those plans. (don't tell her she might hurt me)

hiking up some silly hill.

pictures (i've taken like NONE)

more blushing guys to come i'm sure

and who knows what else... so far, so good! it's so nice here, am loving the warm, dry air... and not missing nor cal weather at all. suckers.

getting away!

remember when i posted about booking a girl trip awhile back?

well, that trip is finally here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (thank the fucking goddess).. tomorrow evening, i get to leave town for a few days with some really amazing women! it's crazy to think that i wouldn't even know half the group that was going if it wasn't for blake's travel baseball team. i guess things and people come into your life for a reason. i'm just so happy they're in mine.

i can't even tell you how freaking excited i am!! how much i can't wait to get the hell outta dodge. how badly i need a break. how much i need to relax. how i need some space. and how desperately i need some girl time. one of the husband's was saying to me that he hoped we had better weather in arizona, then we have currently here.

and you know what that made me realize?

that i don't even give a shit about the weather. i could honestly not care if it rains the whole entire time we're there. because it's not about the weather... it's not about what we do.. what we drink.. where we go dancing.. or anything else. i'm just most excited about BEING with these women. talking and spending time.. and just getting to be around eachother. i'm just so excited to BE with them that nothing else really matters. you know?

jeez, it sounds like i'm going on a romantic trip or something. ha.

anyway, i am so looking forward to actually sleeping through the night. i will covet the silence of no stupid, fucking, dumbass birds and crows chirping outside of the window above my head at 3 in the morning. and then still chirping at 4 in the morning. and 5 in the morning. and chirping in the rain. and ALL.THE.TIME. they never shut the hell up. i freaking hate them. (do they make bird muzzles? or sleeping pills for birds? WHAT???)

i hope arizona is bird free. :)

super fun pics to come!!!!!

dear taco bell

our love affair began when i was a wee child. actually, i have no idea when i first ate you, but for as long as i can remember, i've been stuffing you down my face.

there's nothing like those oh so sexy college pictures where i hadn't turned into a real women yet, so i still had those super fat cheeks and a big old face- with a nacho bell grande sitting on my lap and a taco supreme in my hand.

who doesn't want a piece o' that?

i eat you constantly... so much so that my kid probably thinks you're his father. he'd go visit you everyday if i let him. (note- i don't let him.) we're a family that freaking loves the hell out of you. you're the only fast food i eat. and you sound appealing far more often that i ever want to admit (that means all.the.time.). i love you at ridiculous levels.

so i don't understand why you want to hurt me?

what did i ever do to you? i support you and love you and tell people about you and would be in a freaking commercial declaring my adoration for you if you asked me too. i'd eat taco bell everyday for a year if you wanted me too. (that's a lie)

WHY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME SAD?

do i deserve stale chips everytime i visit you?

do i not deserve full cups of nacho cheese for my nachos?

(i mean really, what the hell is up with the half full cups of nacho cheese? clearly, 1 cup isn't enough to eat my nacho's with, which is why i buy 2 in the first place. BUT NOT BECAUSE I WANT TWO OF THEM TO REALLY EQUAL ONE. WTF BELL???)

i don't understand why you treat me so poorly. i pay you for pete's sake. you're like a really bad prostitute.

but i keep coming back.

but really, that's because you're the only taco bell in town. trust me, if there was another, i'd go. but there isn't. so you leave me no choice. it's either stale chips and never enough nacho cheese, or NO taco bell. and no taco bell is completely unfathomable to me.

so i guess you win.

i wish i could quit you. but i am totally not that strong.

things suck..

in all honesty, things kind of suck right now. i want to talk about it, but i can't. don't you love when people do that? i will tell you however so that none of you freak out (or get some sort of sick joy out of it. don't roll your eyes at me, you know that all you bitches get some sort of twisted happiness at reading other people's downfalls and pain- especially because it's happening to them and not to you...) that it has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage. or my boyfriend. ha.

i'm in a bad place. and not by choice. i mean, i don't WANT to be in a bad place. i don't want to feel like this. but thus is my life at this point and time. it's really difficult and everyday is a struggle. i wish i could put into words how absolutely beaten down i feel inside. how it is effecting every.single.other.thing in my life. how i can feel it in my chest with every breath i take. how it lingers inside me and doesn't go away. how much it's weighing me down- physically and emotionally.

and i'm just so tired of feeling this way.

i feel like i'm at a breaking point where there is only so much that one human being can take on a daily basis before they simply shut down. i feel like the giant and amazing spirit within me has been beaten into submission. like she has been clobbered into this tiny little speck and everytime she tries to stand up tall and proud, she gets smacked down again.

and i hate everything about that. even the fucking analogy. because it completely and utterly sucks. and it's 100% not me. so dealing with something like this, and feeling like this day after day is just not in my persona.

and it needs to change. because there is very little more of this i can mentally handle. you know?

teach me how to relax

it turns out that i really don't know how to relax. i don't mean that in a bad way.. like i can't chill the fuck out or something. it's just that i don't know how to sit on my phat ass, and do nothing for an entire day.

case in point.... i had the week off of work and we didn't have plans to go anywhere or do anything. and i realized that the whole time, i was searching the house for things to reorganize, or rearrange, or do. i rearranged blake's entire bedroom. it looks awesome. boyfriend and i went and bought and put up shelving for our downstairs living room. we went electronics shopping. we rearranged and got rid of a couch. we moved a recliner from one room to another.

and the baking.

have i mentioned the baking? i might have experimented with about 6 different kinds of frostings and 4 or 5 different flavors of cupcakes. trying to create things from scratch is hard (and not always yummy).


but the point is that apparently, I CANNOT SIT STILL. so while i have every intention of relaxing and just chilling-
I.
CAN'T.
DO.
IT!

so i had to get away. i decided at breakfast one morning that i would drive to my mom's and stay the night. i needed to get the hell out of the house and at least do that drive. i love driving. i love the space and time it gives me to think. and sing. out loud. where no one else can hear me. it was just what i needed. and i got to see my grandpa (HI GRANDPA!!!!).

and even though my drive down the mountain from tahoe took a billion years, there was a part of me that was grateful for the traffic. because since we were stopped 90% of the time, i got to take pictures. i wouldn't have gotten to do that otherwise. see?







even that small amount of time to get away was nice to get out of town.. get out of the house, and make me feel like i did SOMETHING, you know? i needed it. i need to make a lot of changes happen this year. i yearn for all things positive and i've been feeling negative for way too long. i don't like anything about it. more on that later.