Tuesday, September 29, 2009

can you ever truly be anonymous?

a good friend of mine wants to start up a blog of her very own. but she wants to be anonymous.

she asked me if it was possible. and without going into some huge diatribe of how of course it's possible, but omg, watch out cause you COULD get found out- which in turn just contradicts itself..

i thought i'd come to you guys.

cause i'm only a little anon (which means, not really). you know my name, see pics of my wonderful smiling face, you see my awesome spawn, the hotness that is boyfriend, etc. but i've allowed all of that. i've said that sharing was ok.

but what if you don't want too? what if you want to be able to speak more freely, etc and the only way to do so is to be truly anon?

is it possible? do you blog anon? ever been found out?

any tips for her? horror stories? this could be fun!!!

and THANKS!!!

ps- do you see the new theme??? if you're in a feed reader, click over to see all the halloweenie goodness!!! :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

weekend update

so first off, i'll have you know that i got super sick out of nowhere. and no, i do not think it had anything to do with the cleanse at all. i felt like i was getting a cold or something when i started the cleanse. anyway, by friday i was completely out of it. i didn't know what day it was and i had all the signs of a fever (sweating profusely, then normal.. then sweating again) minus the fever. it was the weirdest thing ever. i'm just happy i feel better! *the children of the world rejoice*

so after almost dying, we took the boat out on the bay! and right away i was so pissed off that i didn't bring my camera because it was such an awesome day. we went fishing and um.... will.i.am caught a STINGRAY!!! talking about stuff like this isn't as fun when you don't have pictures to go along with it! so really, will caught a freaking stingray.. and while he's pulling it up so that he can get the hook and stuff back, i'm totally mesmerized staring at the things eyes and mouth. i mean, i've never seen one in real life. (zoo's or marine world doesn't count) i'm not even paying attention to the fact that the things stinger is flying around trying to sting boyfriend and will.i.am. it was crazy. but awesome! did i mention the guys caught 2 fish? well they did. we ate them.

after getting back from the boat ride, my hair (which had been in a ponytail mind you) was so freaking ratted up, that i started crying because i didn't think i was ever going to be able to get a brush through it again. i ran to the store to try to find some detangler and let me tell you, pantene's detangler can SUCK IT. it didn't work for shit, and my freaking hair (if you could call it that at that point) was in a huge ball of tangled hell. it took me 40 minutes to detangle my hair. conditioner. detangler. conditioner. comb. huge clumps of hair in my fist. and some scissors. oh yes, i had to cut parts out. so now i need to figure out a better way to put my hair when we go out on the boat cause i cannot deal with that aftermath again.

update on the cleanse? i'm on day 4 and i'm not really seeing any results in all honesty. the tea isn't doing anything for me, although i've started steeping it for way longer. so while i'm sitting here thinking that my colon is so clean, i have nothing in there, naked jen let me know that it means i'm SUPER blocked up inside and not the opposite. that's kinda scary. also, i started having super weird cravings. like for foods that i do not eat normally, or i try to avoid. like english muffins.. and baked potatoes... and mac and cheese. carbs anyone? i told naked jen about this and she said it's all part of the detox process. that i should be like "wow.. cravings for stuff i don't like.. neat" and then move along. i wish i would have known that before i actually gave into those cravings!! i figured i was craving it for a reason dammit. i guess i won't do that anymore. just adding to the blockage that is my apparent insides.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

day 1 of cleansing

so i started the cleanse this morning. remember how i asked y'all for opinions on what wouldn't kill me, and what would work, etc? well thanks to naked jen, i chose dr. natura for my very first cleanse. seriously, will you all take a minute and click onto that website, because um... there is something on there that a guy shit out that i like to call a seaweed lei. it's not seaweed. and it's definitely not something you want to wear around your neck. it's DISGUSTING! you're welcome. but seriously, if something like that is just chilling inside my stomach, i want it out! i mean, really. (i might have joked with boyfriend and told him that um, if i start crapping something like out, i'm calling him up to the bathroom so he can grab hold of it and i'll just start walking away until it's done).


i am so fucking rank.

did you all just stop reading?


such brave souls (still gross right)

i was terrified that this was going to hurt my sensitive stomach so badly that i would keel over and die from cramping in the middle of a meeting at work or something. cause remember when i tried to eat a bunch of fiber before? and it hurt so bad? yeah. because of that, i have been terrified to start this cleanse. so far i've done 2 parts of the 3 part thing. tonight, i have to drink a tea. and i'm thinking that might be the part that kills me. i don't know. all i do know is that i feel awesome and my stomach doesn't hurt at all so far *knocks on wood* and i'm hoping it stays this way for the entire 30 days.

yes, i'm doing this for 30 days. maybe longer if i feel like i "need" to.

i'll randomly keep you updated. not cause i think you care, but because what if i poop out a seaweed lei of my very own? i am SO telling you guys.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

farmville & my nephew

so all you crazy facebookers are playing farmville, mafia wars, i want to be a clown with a big red nose, etc. y'all have way too much time on your hands. not to mention the fact that these games, or whatever the hell they are, make you pretty much crazy. MUST PLANT CROPS!!!!! I NEED YOU TO JOIN MY MAFIA NOWWWWWW!!!!!

so i noticed that my nephew was playing farmville and of course, i made fun of him. relentlessly. (which really means that i posted 1 thing on his wall making fun of him)

anyway, a couple days later... my nephew and i were texting eachother and this ensued:

nephew: just to let you know, farmville is required for all division 1 schools thank you very much.

me: i'm sure that's on the application.

nephew: so once i reach level 20 i will be accepted into standford

me: not if you can't spell the name of the school right

nephew: actually, all they care about is if you know how to properly grow bell peppers.

and ........ what more is there to say really?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

i think i have a crush... or something

am i the only one who watches those pc and mac commercials and wants to wrap the pc guy up and take him home?

i am? sweet. i hate competition.

now while i like the mac guy too cause he is funny and reminds me justin long (omg is he justin long?? that would be embarrassing)... he isn't as loveable as the pc guy!!

he cracks me up.. and i think he is so smooshy and sweet and funny.... like eeyore (yes from winnie the pooh). omg that is why i love him.... he is like eeyore without a real tail and kinda mopey but you love him so much and want him in your backyard and stuff.

so pc guy... if you're out there.. i totally love you and want you to come over and read a computer manual to me or something cause your adorableness is too much.

reall? is it just me?

Friday, September 18, 2009

i want off this vampire train

i watched the vampire diaries again last night. i really want to like this show. i mean, i really, really, really want to like this show. but um.. it sucks. and not in the cool vampirey way. i don't know.

it's just... not good.

and the main guy? that main vampire guy? i can't get past the fact that his head looks like it's about 5 times bigger than any normal person's head. or maybe it's just shaped weird? yeah, it's really square.. like frankensteins head. and of course now that i've said that, i'll probably end up meeting the guy at some point and then he'll find this blog and read it and call me and be like "i can't believe you said i look like frankenstein" and i'll be eating my words (again) and writing another blog post apologizing for calling mr big head a big head. you'd think i'd learn my lesson with things like this.

but dammit.. the show isn't good. i do love the main girl though. she is stunning. and how come her hair so damn shiney all the time? jealous. anyway, i don't think they have any chemistry and i wish the show had me on the edge of my seat, but.... it doesn't.

are this books this craptastic? did you even know there were books?

anyway, when the hell is lost back on??? and thank the gods above for gossip girl. i love the hell out of that scandelous show.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

astrology and um.. happy pics!

this mercury retrograde is killing me. a friend just sent me my astrological chart and basically told me "good luck" with all the aspects i have going on. HA she said "...when the transiting planets of the Sun, New Moon, Mercury and Saturn are all visiting your 4th House (which represents home)...can you see where the focus is? Your home, roots and family..."


then she mentioned something about some fucking planet creating "enormous tension between your home/personal life and your JOB."

yay for me.

there was more, but it all made way too much sense and it's too personal to post about here. ha, something that is too personal for my personal blog.

i don't like it when not happy blog posts stay up for too long. it's like they taint (i said taint) the atmosphere and bring people down. and i'm not about that at all! i like being positive and optimistic.. and even when things are upsetting me, or i'm not sure what road to take next or where i should go..... i always know that things will work out happily and for the best. and that i'll be a better person for the experience. the glass is pretty much always half full in my eyes.

so ... here's some stupid shit that makes me smile!!!

finding old pictures of blake and my best friend's daughter when they were just mini people
blake and kayla hug

puppies!!!!!!!!!! cause who doesn't love a good puppy? oh yeah, people with no soul.

the beach. the ocean. the pacific. malibu. the waves. the smell. the sounds. the feel of sad underneath my feet. the water.
malibu- pt.dume

finding pictures of me and my sister where it looks like i'm naked in public. sweet.
not naked. i swear

and finding pics where my brother looks SO young and blake's hair is the best thing i've ever seen in my life. and then seeing that blake is wearing a belt and remembering that at that age he went through this phase where he would FREAK THE F OUT if he wasn't wearing a belt and his pants felt like they were slipping off.

this makes me laugh cause i am totally still the same (although i wish my stomach still looked that bad ass).. but hi, do you see the hat? it took everything in me NOT to buy it that day. no really. i'm not joking. i think i was about 19 here.
nice top

and apparently i haven't changed much, cause um.. this pic? yeah, it was like 2 years ago. no, i didn't buy that hat either. but i think i wanted too.
blurry hats

lots of other stuff make me happy. like having friends like all of you who are there for me when i really need you, and when you can't comment on my blog, you take the time to email me. so thank you. i really appreciate it. :)

look, another puppy!
st bernard

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

double standards

know what is really, really hard? this whole location thing. the fact that i was born and raised in southern california and boyfriend was born and raised in northern california. and while there are things i really like about where we live, i will never feel about it, how i feel about my hometown (obviously). it's where my soul is. it's where i feel at home. and no amount of trying to get things, or do things up here will ever change that. i think in the back of my mind i would always wish i was doing whatever i was up here... down there. there is always someplace else i'd rather be. other people i'd always wish were around me.

i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my niece who is basically my twin. i miss my nephew and it's his senior year of high school. that makes me sick to my stomach. i don't want to miss his friday night football games. i want to be there watching him play. i don't want to miss him playing varsity baseball. i want to be there for those games too. I HATE MISSING OUT ON THINGS AND TIME YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK. i'm too fucking sensitive to just simply be okay with missing all of these things. i care too much to pretend like i don't.. or act like it's alright. when inside, it's not. you see, they may not need me, but i need them.

i honestly think that boyfriend thinks that at some point, i'll be content with living here. that something will happen and it will magically make it all okay. and i'll stop bitching and complaining. and i don't want to bitch and complain (i fucking hate that i'm writing this right now because i know how much it will hurt boyfriend).... it's just that i'm hurting too. you try living with how i feel inside. there are things that i want. things i want to try and do. but i don't want to do them up here. the last thing i want is to do something that ties me down even more to a place i don't want to stay in long term. how fucked up is that? but it's the truth.

i think that if i was to lock myself into this location more- there would come a point where i exploded and walked away from it all. i can pretty much almost guarantee that time would come. i couldn't tell you when, but i would feel like i just kept making all of these decisions that required me to stay up here longer and i think the thing is.... it's not self satisfying. it doesn't make me feel good. i don't know why, but there is a part of me that feels like everything i accomplish and do will be that much more satisying and enjoyable if i did it down south. does that even make any sense? and if it does, please tell me why.

another shitty aspect? if you ask anyone about moving to so cal, they all say that there's no way in hell i'm getting boyfriend down there. and they say how much he'll hate it. and how miserable he'll be. and people have actually expressed concerns about our marriage making it if i insist we move. they think he won't go. they think that will break us. how fucked up is that? and his family gets super upset at the thought of him leaving here for there.

but how the hell is that fair?

why was it perfectly okay for not only me, but my child, to move away from my family and move up here? how come my unhappiness is something i have to just live with and get over? how come i'm a bitch for not getting over it already?

and seriously, what the fuck is my problem? why can't i just be happy and fine here? opinions? thoughts? medication?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

september 11, 2009

when i first participated in dc roe's 2996 challenge, i got to learn about a brave firefighter named sal calabro. it was truly my pleasure to honor him, get to know him, and write about him. i was grateful for the project because it introduced me to someone i wouldn't have known otherwise. on that day when so many of our lives were changed forever, he was a hero. and he paid the ultimate price. i can't believe his family has had to live these past 8 years without him. it breaks my heart.

when dc sent out the email that he was doing the project again, i signed up without hesitation. and this time, i got Leah E. Oliver.

the first thing i noticed about leah was that we shared the same birthday. september 12th... the day after "the day." i stopped for a moment before i read any further about her to just kind of appreciate the randomness (and not so randomness) of it all. what was the likelihood that the person i would get to write about would share the same birthday as me?

the more i read about leah, the more i found myself smiling and thinking that we would have totally been friends. everyone said the same things about her. how warm she was... her amazing smile.. she made everyone feel welcome.. she was always positive and smiling and happy. everyone who knew her talked about how much they loved her and her laugh. what a great way to be remembered.... always happy. i can only hope to be so lucky.

Leah Oliver

i don't think you'd guess by this gorgeous picture of her, but she loved to go on motorcycle rides with her dad. a passion that they shared with one another. there is a memorial page up for leah where her father has written the sweetest most heartbreaking letter to his only daughter. the following is part of what he wrote:

"Life is about not knowing. Surely the last few weeks have proved that to all of us. But bringing Leah into this world is one thing I know for certain I’ve done absolutely right in my life. I love all my children equally, and I’m equally proud of each of them. Leah was just that little bit special because she was my first. As oldest children often do, Leah marched through life with a sense of purpose, determined to be successful. And she exceeded my expectations all along the way."

leah grew up in dartmouth, massachusetts and went to college at columbia university. it seems like leah's life was just getting started. she had a new boyfriend (in an old friend) and had recently started working at marsh & mclennan in the world trade center. she couldn't wait to show her mom the view from the 96th floor. the 96th floor. i guess you can only imagine how and why she didn't make it out that day. she loved her co-workers and felt like she had the job of her dreams. things were falling into place for this 24 year old.


never to turn 25 because the following day would not come for her.

she left behind so many family members who miss her. a boyfriend who has had to move on without her when he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. it's hard for me to write about someone who was so young and whose life was just getting started. because you read about the person they were and you want so much more for them. you know how much they could have had and then you get angry that all of that was taken away. imagine how i'd feel if i had the pleasure to actually know leah in real life??

september 11th still hurts. sometimes i think i'm ready to deal with certain aspects of it. like a tv special about 9/11 will be on and i'll record it so that i can watch it later at my own pace. but then i'll go to turn it on, and within the first 30 seconds, i'm already in tears and i can't take it. i'm not ready. it's still too raw. and it's been 8 years. and i didn't even know anyone who lost their life that day personally. (i know people who knew people) it wasn't right. it wasn't fair. and it breaks my heart to know how much my life has changed since that day, and i wasn't even directly affected. so many other people have had to live each day since without their loved ones in their life. and all i can say is that i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that sal's boys have had to grow up with only a memory for a father. i'm so sorry that leah's family has to go on without her. i'm sorry she never got to have her 25th birthday. but i can promise you that i will forever think of her on our day from here on out.

there is a scholarship set up in her name.. there are tributes to her where you can read more about her. i wish i could have known her.. but i'm glad this project introduced me to her. and now to you.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

detoxing. fasting. cleansing.

what the hell is the difference between the 3 anyway?

i feel like i have been beyond horrid to my body lately. i have never before in my life felt the desire or urge to do any type of cleanse or detox. but now i can't get the idea out of my head. it's like my body is telling my brain "HI. WE NEED TO CLEANSE. MAKE THAT FAT BITCH DO IT. THANKS." but i didn't want to try a cleanse without posting about it here first. i figure that maybe some of you have done one (or more) before.. and i need your advice cause i have no clue what to do.

don't tell me not to do it, cause i'm stubborn and not going to listen to that. and for every person who tells me not to do it, i'll add on another day and then before you know it i won't be eating for a bazillion days and then i'll be dead and all you commenters who cried and said "dooooooon't dooooo it sterrrrrr" will only have yourselves to blame. and who wants that kind of guilt on their conscious?

okay.. so i've been reading up on all sorts of fasts, cleanses and detox stuff. i don't want to have to do it myself. like i'm not going to do a juice fast where i have to buy a bunch of shit from the store and i have to blend it and peel off the skins, etc. too much work and i'm way too lazy for that (and apparently not THAT motivated). so then i was on gnc's website looking at their cleanses and stuff. and those look like things i could handle. probably cause it looks easier... drinks.. things you put in water.. pills. i don't want to do this for too long. i'm thinking that 7 days will be my max and that might kill me. at least for 3 days (if i can do it).

so does anyone have any advice? or anything you've done that works well and you didn't turn into a raging bitch? i swear someone posted about this not too long ago...

ps- it's 09.09.09 today. cooool. i missed the 09:09 on the clock this morning though.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

ladies! (and gentlemen)

apparently we need to step up our A games. someone doesn't like us.

Anonymous said...
I see I must have upset you, and for that I apologize. I've been viewing people's blogs lately and what's struck me is how vacuous, daft, empty, fatuous, frivolous, meaningless, mindless, puerile, trifling, trivial, vapid and worthless most are. I thought someone should let you know that. For instance, would you be fascinated if you found a blog that started with 'I bought a cat today'...or how about 'Today I let the dishes stack up in the sink'...would you be utterly enthralled?

Just sayin'
9/05/2009 9:03 PM

rock the fuck on everybody. rock.the.fuck.on.

Friday, September 04, 2009

why my kid is better than yours

blake is getting a pen pal from africa. i totally remember doing this when i was in school, so i'm excited for him. i think the idea of writing to someone who has a completely different life than yours is beyond interesting- and a great way to introduce to the kids to how people in other countries live.

in his letter he had to talk about his parents and what they did. he wrote, "my mom stays home with the son. she feeds me and punishes me, but i love her anyway."

i read that and cracked up (but i totally do not stay home with him) so i said to him, "blake. i do not stay home with you! why did you write that?"

and he said, "mom.. these kids don't have tv. they have one computer for their whole village. so if i tell them that you work on a tv show, THEY AREN'T GOING TO EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!! what if they don't even know what a tv is? then i have to try to explain what a tv is and then i have to explain about how a show goes on tv and they'll want to know about the show you do then i'll have to try and explain that. and it was just easier to say this instead."

yeah, you try arguing with that.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

so my beloved disney bought marvel

am i the only one freaking out here?!?!?!?!

okay, i kind of understand why they did it. and i'm okay with the fact that disney now owns marvel (although i think lots of marvel fans are freaking out). but what i'm NOT okay with.. and what I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT is the fact that bob iger (whom i love and adore and for all you non entertainment folks, he runs disney) said that the marvel characters "will have" a place at disneyland.

come again?
say what?

are you trying to tell me that spiderman will be walking around my land of dis holding hands with mickey mouse?

wrap your head around that one.


i can't have it. it makes me sick. i hate the very idea of it. now i wouldn't care if the marvel characters walked around california adventure. and i wouldn't care if the marvel characters had a place at the third theme park that disney will eventually build over in anaheim. but the thought of characters like spiderman, or iron man walking around disneyland makes me want to throw up. seriously. like i get sick to my stomach.

it couldn't be more of a NON fit. disneyland is mickey mouse.. and goofy.. and silly, fun, kid friendly characters. marvel characters are fighters.. and tough.. and just don't seem like the right fit for a place like disneyland. it was odd enough when star wars characters got introduced to the park. and i think that's been okay because it's been minimal and non intrusive.

i'm just worried. i'm worried about how one of my most favorite places on earth is going to change. i'm worried that it won't have the same feeling anymore. because that's why i love disneyland so much. i love the way it feels when i walk through the gates and onto main street. i love seeing the dopey characters that represent nothing more than happiness and smiles. i love feeling like i've just walked into a place where everyone is happy to be there and kids are in complete and total awe with every turn. it truly is a magical place. i just don't want it to change.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

why i wanted to shank the woman who sat in my row on my plane ride but i didn't because i don't even have a shank and really, who does that?

probably people in jail, but i digress.

i flew down to burbank yesterday (the land of holy fuck, another fire.. please stop burning. i love you so much that it hurts me to see this. thank you). so the first thing that happened on my wonderful and amazing flight was the cocksucker who sat behind me actually reached his hand through my seat to MY window and shut the shade. i let it pass because there was another window not too far from me, but i was still completely shocked that he did that. i mean, WHO DOES THAT????

well at that point, i'd seen nothing yet.

this freaking chick proceeds to sit in the aisle seat of the row i'm sitting in. she promptly takes up both seats with her stuff. she throws down the tray from the middle seat and puts her starbucks coffee on it. and some papers. and a book. and whatever else will fit on there and spill over onto me. then she tosses pieces of a newspaper all over the middle seat. puts an enormous bag there and then squeezes another one under her seat.

the thing is though, i wouldn't have cared at all if she wanted to use up all that room if she just would have said "you don't mind if i put my stuff here do you?" i mean, it's just common courtesy. right? you don't own both seats. i don't own both seats. i would NEVER put my stuff there without asking the other person if they cared or not. but maybe that's because i can see outside of myself sometimes. so the whole flight i was annoyed that this chick was so selfish and apparently so self involved that she felt she deserved 2 seats..

anyway, i started writing in spirit magazine... and i wrote "this chick next to me just took up 2 seats with all her crap without asking. so rude. don't you hate when people act like that on flights?"

and then i stopped.

and i was upset that i put such negativity out there. that i wrote it in a magazine that i hoped someone else would read. i figured they'd agree and laugh and probably be like... ah, that sucks. poor person. but then i realized that i didn't want to put ONLY that out there. so i started to write other stuff. and i flipped the pages and found myself writing things like:

are you living your dreams? why not?

are you trying to achieve something that seems out of reach? go for it! i believe in you. you can do it!!!

don't live the way you think others expect you too.. live the way your heart wants you too.

and things like that. i wrote a lot more, but each one was just very positive and affirming and i felt good about it. i know it sounds silly, stupid or crazy.. i mean, i told my sister what i did and she said i was a weirdo, while looking at me like i was insane. but i think that if i was flipping that magazine and read all those things, i'd smile. who knows, someone might read my words and be inspired to do something more with their life. something they have been afraid to do. it actually reminded me a lot of post secret and the notes people leave in the post secret books at bookstores. it's about encouraging people to chase their dreams. telling them it's okay to go against the norm and do what they truly want. achieving true happiness doesn't come from someone else telling you how to live your life.... it comes from within. sometimes, we feel like we have no options, or we feel trapped. i know it's hard to do what we want- life gets in the way. money holds us back. trust me, i can relate. and sometimes people need to hear things, even if it's from a stranger.. or read on a blog.. or some note scribbled in a magazine on an airplane flight.

i don't know. all i do know was that it made me happy to write those things. it made me feel good. and hopefully, if my words in that magazine do that for even 1 person, that will make me happy. of course i'll never know, but still.... i'll just tell myself that somewhere right now, someone i don't know is reading my words and they are smiling.

and that lady from the plane? she ended up being 2 people down from me in line at the rental car counter. and she started yelling at the wonderful women who work there (whom i love because i see them every 2 weeks and they are always so kind and good to me) things like "THIS IS HOW YOU LOSE CUSTOMERS!!!! WHAT KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE IS THIS?!??" just general nastiness. it took EVERYTHING in me to not turn to that lady and tell her to shut her fucking mouth. but instead, i just made sure the women who worked at hertz knew that i appreciated them and that i knew how wonderful they were. because they are.

and so are you.

this is like a pollyanna fucking post. i'll bitch about something tomorrow.