Thursday, April 30, 2009

self renewal

there's a guide coming out for us moms out there. hell, i think it could just be for people in general. it's beautifully illustrated, with pretty fonts and nice colors. i know i know, i'm a total sucker for things that are pleasing to the eye.

anyway, after numerous emails sent to my inbox about a free download of this book during mother's day weekend (may 8-10), i decided to go see what it was about. (no, i'm not getting paid for this- i'm sure a lot of you got the same emails) you know what though? i really liked it. i don't talk much about how spiritual i am. how i believe fully in things like past lives and soulmates. how i believe that we are spiritual beings who forget to take time out for ourselves because we're so caught up in doing things for everyone else. you know, like being a good wife or a good mother, or a good friend, etc. it's easy to forget about what we need. what we should do to re-energize emotionally and spiritually. how easy it is to do just that, but we often forget to take the time to do it. we'te not good at telling others no.

it's also easy to lose sight of what it is we truly want. our hopes, dreams, goals, etc. i think it was this chapter that really spoke to me. it made me really excited for the free download of the book. and it made me want to share the book with you. i don't know much about the book other than what i've read on the website and her blog, but i'm excited to find out. i really like how there are areas to journal... to make lists.. because it makes you a part of the process. it doesn't just talk about things, it makes makes you search yourself for the answers. i want to read and participate in this book. because it's a book FOR me and my soul. and when i personally benefit and find more inner peace, everyone around me benefits from my newfound feeling of awesomeness. :)

anyway, this book made me excited and i thought that it might do the same for you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

pics and twitter and crap

okay, so i learned that i could send pics from my phone to twitter and well, that would be fun (at least for me). but apparently i can't do it right at all. i send the pics, and i put a note in my text, but the note never shows. so just the link to my picture shows and YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING OR WHAT THE HELL THE PICTURE IS BECAUSE NONE OF MY TEXT SHOWS!!!

someone help me. if i send a picture as a text message from my cell phone, what the hell do i have to do to get the words to actually post and not just the picture??!?

here i am leaving oakland airport.. heading to la. oh happy day.
leaving oaktown

and then i canoodled with matt's sweet red nike shoe. we had a love affair that afternoon. me and the shoe. tell me it's not fierce!
canoodling with some sweeeeet red nikes

after that, i drove to my sister's house and i was so happy to be driving on a freeway in LA, that i took a picture of myself (i think i really just liked the lighting).
driving on the freeway

and here is my niece and nephew (and my niece's boyfriend) taking a picture together at my sister's graduation. we.are.awesome. and silly. and apparently... ear lickers?!?

here is my beautiful and wonderful and kick ass sister! watch out world!31

and then i was forced to go back to northern california. so i got a chai tea latte. with extra foam. see? YES THAT IS FOAM YOU SICKOS!
what is that ster?

the end. :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

i believe in the church of baseball

i was raised on baseball. dodger baseball. looking back at when i was kid, i feel like i spent a good majority of my time at dodger stadium. my dad pretty much raised me to bleed dodger blue... and eat dodger dogs. (dodger dogs hang off the bun cause they are so long and as a kid my dad used to bite the dog on each end for me cause i wouldn't eat the non bun parts.) it felt like dodger baseball was ingrained into my dna the same way that my green eyes were. i used to sing "forever dodger blue" loud and proud at every game i went too. i remember having a huge crush on steve garvey. my mom had a crush on him too, but since i liked him, i told her that she could have dusty baker instead. see how nice i was, even as a small ster?

i can't remember a time in my life when baseball wasn't a part of it. i understand it better than any other sport (playing softball for 12 years didn't hurt that part i'm sure)... and to me, it's the only sport that matters. don't get me wrong, i'm a total tomboy, so i love sports in general and will watch pretty much any of them. but baseball? that's where my heart is. i respect the sport. the passion that comes with loving it. the want to just play ball. the loathing of the politics involved with it, because it is a business. but still, i appreciate it. i understand the mentality of it. the superstitions. the way the game is played. the CRACK of the bat hitting the ball. and i'm not joking when i tell you that i could sit there and smell a baseball all day long. i'm that sick. :)

for me, baseball is a way of life. it always has been. i can't imagine giving up on something i have always loved so much. even during the times where your heart breaks and aches because you feel like we have strayed so far from what the game is really about. and you just want to scream "LET THEM PLAY BALL" because you know that's all the real lovers of baseball want to do.

is it wrong to love a sport so much?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

this is why you may or may not want to hang out with me in real life..

whenever blake has a travel baseball tournament, i get super excited. blake's travel ball team is beyond awesome. and i don't mean the players or the team (although they're pretty alright too)... no, i'm talking about the parents. i freaking LOVE when i get to go spend a weekend with these people. i look forward to hanging out with my super hot, totally playful, generous, crazy fun bomber babes. they are so awesome!

you can usually find us in the bar. it's true. in between games though, so don't get all in a huffy about how our poor kids are playing baseball and the mommies are up in the bar getting wasted. we get wasted AFTER the games, thankyouverymuch. ha. no really, we head up to the bar and hang out. they peer pressure me into drinking and then i always tell them "i never drink unless i'm with you bitches" which i'm sure by now they think is a total lie, since i'm always drinking with them! they just don't get the fact that PEER PRESSURE IS HARD MAN!

so anyway, the last tournament i might have drank four one too many and got super, super silly. i might have let susan video tape my ass while i tried not to fall over danced. and that video might be on youtube somewhere. i also might have completely forced this guy to tell me how much he loved my butt sexually harassed this stranger simply for the fact that he was a hot black man. and so that meant he had to love my ghetto booty. i also might have threatened asked him to take a picture with me.

don't say i never gave you anything. mmmmk?
reggie and jennster

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

earth day is great and all

but i really think we need a people day.

a be nice to one another day. a love your neighbor day. something that brings back the sense of community.

i don't know. i get so freaking disheartened sometimes when i think about how fucking self involved we all are. how everything we seem to do as a society is for the individual. trying to get ahead. make more money. have more toys. see more sights. do more stuff. express ourselves for the sake of expressing ourselves. it's all about me, me, me.

it just seems like there used to be a simpler time. a time when neighbors and communities cared about eachother more. when people not only knew eachother, but helped eachother. now it seems like most of us don't even know our neighbors. myself included. i'm rarely home. i know some of our neighbors, but not all. and the ones i do know i barely see, let alone speak too. it just makes me sad, you know?

i feel like we have totally grown as a race to be completely self involved. and i don't see that changing anytime soon. i think we grow more and more towards that concept all the time. we don't think outside of ourselves. everything is about ourselves. it's like a bigger picture never comes into play. it's all about the small picture- the immediate- the now. our perceptions are so screwed up. our values are all askew. i think we've all fallen into this fucked up trap about how we think we have to live... things we think we have to do to get by on a day to day basis. it's like we have this really messed up mindset that has been told to us so many times, we've started to believe it must be true.

and then we have the kids-
so many of us are raising a generation of kids who can't take being told no. who are being taught that they will always win no matter what. that they will never have their feelings hurt. they will always make the team. and that they are entitled to it all. we are raising our future generations to be entitled, spoiled little brats who won't be able to handle rejection.

we need to refocus. as a fucking world. some things are right. some things are wrong. and there are punishments for doing wrong. and sometimes you will lose. sometimes your feelings will get hurt. and sometimes you won't make the team because you know what? you're NOT fucking good enough. and there is nothing wrong with that. it's a part of life. how come we've decided that the best thing to do for our kids, is to completely shelter them from experiencing anything that may help them grow as people?

i realize i'm talking about 2 really different issues that i probably should have addressed seperately, but i dunno- maybe somehow they're connected. maybe they correlate? maybe people are raising their kids that way because they feel so fucking bad for the way they're choosing to live their life? maybe they're not home enough, so they want their kids to be happy all the time? i don't know.. what do you think?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

once upon a time

a sassy blogger left her blog unattended and traveled to the gorgeous island of st lucia. said blogger begged hard asked me to guest blog while she was gone. i felt dirty honored.

not wanting to let her down i wrote a brilliant post about all the wonderful things that happen while you vacation in st. lucia. but um... i forgot to tell her BEFORE she left. oops.


read post. give her love. give her comments. give her something to do while she's on that damn island. and here, look at my pretty honeymoon pictures.

us.  atv.  st lucia.

don't want to leave

the pitons and soufriere

stlucia 082

Monday, April 20, 2009

10 years later

i can't believe it's been 10 years since the shootings at columbine. 10 years since i was at my work gym watching it all unfold on tv's with my girfriend and co-worker meg. 10 years since we were wondering why the hell all the kids were coming out of that school with their shirts off. 10 years since we learned that their shirts were off because they were trying to stop their teacher, dave sanders, from dying.

columbine wrecked me.

i knew no one from the school. no one from the area. but that entire scene horrified me in ways that i still can't comprehend. it made me feel things i had no business feeling.

i was completely consumed. i couldn't stop reading about it. watching it on the television. researching it online. i wanted to know about all the victims. everyone left behind- littleton's tragedy became my own. their grief, was mine. i cried with them. cried for them. but mostly, i just cried.

i get like that sometimes. feel things so deeply and with so much intensity. sometimes i think i'm not normal. i don't get like this with everything. not every single school shooting affects me the same way. not every single tragedy rips me to the core. but some do.

and columbine did. it always has. even now, 10 years later, talks of it stops me in my tracks. i hope everyone has found some sort of peace in these past 10 years (gosh, has it really been ten years?). some sort of happiness, hope and love. and to those who were lost that day... i will never forget you.

columbine april 20, 1999.  always remember those we lost and loved


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

learning lessons

even as adults, we still have lessons to learn. this past weekend was a great example of that for me, and a lot of my friends.

we were at a baseball tournament and there was this kid on the opposing team who looked like freaking a rod. he was super tall, totally muscular, and moved the way at least a high schooler would move. he was supposed to be 10. of course we laughed and i joked about asking him out on a date later. we made comments about how he probably drove the team here and how we'd see him up at the bar. we were never trying to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but we were just joking amongst ourselves at the craziness of this kid even possibly being 10. that even if he was that tall, what 10 year old is that coordinated with that kind of body?

then i talked to one of the moms on that team. and she told me how everywhere they go it's like a freak show. and people make comments and say things like "he can't be 10, he has FACIAL HAIR!!" and they never stop to think that he can hear them. and that he's 10. and how is a 10 year old supposed to feel about himself when he hears these things about him? she told me how nervous he gets going out on the field. how when he pitched in the last game, he was shaking he was so scared. how he was totally 10 years old, go talk to him for 2 seconds.

and it all rang in my head after i walked away. imagining a 10 year old boy hearing people say things about his facial hair. and people questioning his age, and the way his body looks. and he has no control over any of that stuff. he's just a child. he may not look it, but he is. i ended up feeling so fucking bad. i wanted to go hug the kid and tell him that it might be hard for him right now, but it won't always be this way. he will be a superstar in no time.

you know, i often say things that i think are funny... totally joking around without thinking about it. it's never with will intention, or to make someone feel bad, but i know the shit i say can definitely hurt someone's feelings. i need to be more aware of what i'm saying. even though i meant nothing with all my jokes about this kid- i still made a ton of jokes about a child. a freaking 10 year old. who does that?

wanted to include this because it's somewhat along the same lines- judging someone.. laughing at them.. and here's to having them shut you the hell up.

Friday, April 10, 2009

protecting my bear cub

i know you've heard by now about precious maddie spohr passing away. my heart breaks and aches for heather and mike. to help, read here.. and here. and thank you. what a wonderful community we are. it's been nothing short of amazing and absolutely heartwarming to see the sheer amount of people stepping up in this time of need for people they may have never even met in "real" life. blogland- you inspire me.

in situations like these, i instantly think of myself and my own child and how absolutely devastated i would be if anything ever happened to him. and how the only time where i truly feel animalistic urges come out inside me is when blake is in "danger." i feel like i turn into a fucking mama bear who will kill or maim anyone who comes near or threatens to harm her cub. it's almost uncontrollable. being a mom makes you an animal.

i remember this one time when i was at the mall with my mom. blake was probably around 2 years old. we were at the jewelry counter and blake was walking and putting his hands on the jewelry case to brace himself and just wandering around. well he walked in front of this older lady and i'm pretty sure he knocked into her. not hard at all- just probably more annoying than anything. but that fucking bitch PUSHED him. and i i felt this rage inside me well up and i wanted to beat the living shit out of this woman. like HOW DARE SHE not only touch my child, but SHOVE him to the point of almost falling over. he was a little kid. and he wasn't hers to touch. and he didn't deserve it. it was so long ago that i can't remember what was specifically said, but i do remember yelling something super mature like, "don't you fucking touch my kid!!"

i just remember the feelings. being SO angry. feeling like an animal- literally. like i could tear this woman from limb to limb if i had too. and would.. willingly if it meant keeping my son safe.

has there ever been a time where the mama (or papa) bear was brought out in you? tell me about it.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

so a girl goes to a doctor..

i thought that maybe i broke my thumb yesterday. i didn't believe it, but figured i should get it checked just in case. imagine how annoyed the dr must have been to get that last minute appt scheduled at 4:45pm.

imagine my annoyance when i get a call from the nurse immediately following said appointment making telling me to not wait the 15 minutes til the appointment time and just to come in there NOW! that was my first clue that my doctor was ready to go.home.

so i'm in there for my thumb (and my hand which is all bruised and discolored). the nurse grabs said hand to get my blood pressure. i jump. HELLO BITCH, I'M IN HERE FOR MY FUCKING HURT HAND SO I'D APPRECIATE YOU NOT MAN-HANDLING THE DAMN THING!!!!! no, i didn't say that. i just cursed her out in my head. but then she did it again. GRABBED my hand all hard and i was like, "HI! my hand is HURT. can you stop GRABBING at it and pulling it around??? thanks."

fucking a.

the doctor came in- nice as pie. she wanted me to get xrays, but then laughed and said something to the effect of "i'm not sure we'll be able to keep the xray technicians around. they like to leave right at 5pm." seriously? what is with these people?? she called them and they said they'd stay for me. but she wouldn't. she said she'd look at the xray's first thing in the morning and then call me with the results. what? you can't wait the 5 fucking minutes it will take to get my xray's to let me know if the stupid thing is fractured or not?

look, i understand people want to go home. they had a hard day at work and they want to leave. but dammit, you're a dr and it's not like i can fix myself if my shit is broken, right? i go to you cause i need your help. is it too much to ask that sometimes you put that extra effort out and just stay to let me know if i'm broken or not broken?

i think this is why people don't feel like there is any type of customer service at all anymore. i mean, the very people who should be there to help you just want to go home. i understand it, i truly do- but from the patient's perspective, i just wanted to feel a little more cared about, instead of a nuisance.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

watching twilight with a 10 year old

sounds a lot like this:

blake- why is she mad?

blake's mom- she's not mad.

blake- well then why does she look mad? are you sure? i think she's mad.

blake's mom- she's not mad.

blake- she's mad.

blake's mom- dude, i think she just looks that way ALL THE TIME. bella= angry madface.

blake- who's bella?

and then it also sounds like this:

blake- is this movie almost done?

blake's mom- why?

blake- cause it's BORING.

movie ends.

blake- thank god. that was pretty much one of the worst movies i've ever seen in my life.

Monday, April 06, 2009

are feedreaders the death of comments?

because 1 post about comments apparently isn't enough.

personally, i have all the blogs i read in bloglines. i rarely click over to someone's actual blog to comment, unless i have something to say on that person's post. but before i had bloglines, i found that i would comment way more- probably because i would visit individual blogs everyday (ps, how the fuck did we do that before the feedreaders? visit 50 or more blogs good lord). if i was already at the blog, it was just easy to leave a comment there. even when i had nothing of significance at all to add. but now that everything is in one condensed place, it's super easy NOT to comment. it's really easy to read everyday, but not click over to add to the conversation.

and that got me thinking because some whore sent me an email letting me know that she still reads me everyday, but doesn't comment much. and in all honesty, i thought that person had stopped reading me completely. so it made me wonder how many people think i've stopped reading them, because i don't comment very often? maybe a lot. but people, i still read you. (except on weekends cause i have a life. ha)

and then that got me thinking that we all say how much we love getting comments. we love the interaction with eachother. we write to get our feelings out, but we also love hearing when other people feel the same way. the validation. it helps us feel less crazy, and we bond. real life friendships are born. but how can we form those if we don't interact with one another anymore? if we take away the very basis of what we started this whole thing for...... the comments... what are we left with?

i'm not sure what the answer is. i mean, feedreaders have made it very easy for people to read hundreds of blogs daily. but have we lost something in the process? i'm not sure. commenting just to comment, doesn't add anything to the conversation either. so maybe if you only click over from your feed reader and comment when you're truly inspired to do so, that isn't a bad thing?

i think the hard part is that we associate the amount of people reading our blog with the amount of comments we get. and i think that's really far from the truth. and i think we forget that people still read our words, even when they have nothing to say about them. and it makes us feel kind of bad sometimes. hell, i definitely have gone through periods of time where i wondered what the fuck i did to drive everyone away? and then i would further torment myself by looking back to when i would get 50+ comments per post and question if i've changed? and the reality is, i don't think i've changed at all. blogland has changed. and that's okay. sometimes i have to just keep reminding myself that.

Friday, April 03, 2009

on being a blog commenter

as i was driving to work this morning i started thinking about blogging.. and the people who do it.. and those who read the blogs, and comment on them, etc.

and i know how i personally feel about blogs and bloggers. i care about the blogs i read. i care about the people writing them. and i care about the people who comment on my blog. i really do try to visit everyone new who comments on my blog. i read a lot of people in my feedreader, and thanks to this post from the other day, i now have a lot more that i'm reading (which is awesome). i don't comment as often as i'd like, but i'm definitely reading and when i can, i try to email.

i'm curious- how do you feel as a commenter on someone's blog. do you continously comment on someone's blog who never responds back to you? do you like to feel cared about as a commenter, or do you not care if the person writing acknowledges you in any way?

i'm just asking because i'm wondering. i don't expect anything in return, although when i go out of my way to visit and read someone new, i like them to do the same via a quick email response, or a quick visit back to my blog. so i suppose i like to be acknoweldged and i think i wouldn't continously read someone's blog who NEVER visits mine in return (unless i've met them in person).

what about you?

ps- peggy reminded me why i started this post to begin with, and just how rambling and fucked up the whole thing got. my basic point was supposed to be about how important i feel that comments are to a blog. and that without them, you lose the very basic thing we all blog for- interaction... conversation.. opinions... friendship... you know? i think that the comments are SO important and i feel like it's equally as important to acknowledge them in some way. and i wondered if you felt the same. like you wanted to be made to feel important... like you matter.. like what you say and take the time out of your day to post on someone's blog, matters. i like to know that what i've said matters. you know?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

why my friends are great, by jennster

because at the beginning of the night, they are so cute and innocent

and so nice & gentle.
put that back in your mouth

so normal and happy.
betsy, se and ster

and then things start to take a dark turn..

we traveled down booty lane

and to cleavage alley

and before you know it, someone was taking it all off!
take it all off!

not really.

we chewed bubblegum (okay maybe that was just me)

and took pretend sexy pictures

and wannabe "uh uh, he go to crenshaw" pictures

and group ones. :)

the end.