Wednesday, March 18, 2009

and this is why i'm stupid.

blake played with a knife today.

and i only know this because he called me freaking out because he couldn't put the blade back in. and then he started stuttering and getting his story all fucked up, so then i had to ask him exactly what happened.

but you guys... my instant thought when he first called me to tell me about the opened knife? i figured the stupid dog knocked it off the table and blake found it on the floor.

did you read that?

MY FIRST REACTION WAS THAT MY PRECIOUS ANGEL PERFECT CHILD WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING SO STUPID AS TO PICK UP A CLOSED KNIFE AND OPEN IT. i assumed the fucking dog knocked it off a table.... and it FELL open.. and blake just found it that way.

i feel like an asshole.

like one of those idiotic parents who doesn't think that their kid does stupid things. the person who first gives her son the benefit of the doubt, until she catches him lying and finds out the truth.

and that's what i'm most mad at. not that he was curious and wanted to see the knife (although i'm fucking mad at that, do not get me wrong). not even that he lied (although i'm really fucking mad at that one too)... but that i'm a flipping idiot. that i just assumed he did no wrong and the knife was just lying open and blake was perfectly innocent.

right now i feel like one of the parents of the columbine kids.
"oh dad, i'm just doing a science project in the garage... don't pay attention to all the bomb like things i'm making- it's for school."
"okay son, cool."

i do not want to be one of those parents. blake isn't a bad kid, but he isn't perfect and he doesn't make the best decisions all the time, and i don't want to pretend like he does, or he always will.

sometimes this parenting stuff is really hard. and do not get me started on the mom guilt associated with this one, folks.


Anonymous said...

I had to sorta laugh because my SIL is one of those who think their kids can do no wrong....and now one just got another pregnant and it's still secret.

I realize you won't find that funny but the fact that you realized it, is a good thing but you are being way to hard on yourself girly. He didn't do anything bad really. Just make sure he knows he can come to you for anything so that he doesn't fuk up future stories;)


Peggy said...

Don't sweat the small stuff girl!

Anonymous said...

I have 3 teens. Let me tell you ....... GOOD TIMES! Tonight I told my oldest that his girlfriend time is being cut way back. That went over well. BUT - his report card arrived today & his grades have taken a sudden dive since she came into the picture. Parenting is sooooo much fun. I'm definitely the villian at our house tonight.

Mandy said...

Kind of throws you off when they do something out of character for them, huh?

Anonymous said...

Boys do that kind of stuff. He was just checking it out while you parents were away. Good learning experience though, and how cute is it that he called you when he couldn't figure out how to close it?

Regarding the Columbine reference, please read Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. What those boys did was terribly wrong, but they were victims too.

j.sterling said...

anon- i've read it. i have LOTS of feelings on columbine- i was making a very, extremely general reference out of emotions i was feeling at the time.

ps- 19 minutes was not a factual book

penguininthesun said...

I love how you're very concerned with being a good mom and raising your son right. Kids are always going to be curious... I know I was.. I did lots of foolish things. I'm glad you have a good relationship with Blake.

btw, I've been good! I wasn't keeping up with the blog as much because I'm silly. Can't believe I missed out on so much jennster!

Alison said...

Ah, even good kids do questionable things every now and then. He's okay and this is a very teachable moment. Run with it!

Anonymous said...

Gosh Jenn, don't be so freaking hard on yourself. Shit happens! You are too much. In a good way of course! ;)

Issa said...

I think the hard thing about kids is they grow up and we have to let them. You just have to know that you've raised him to make good choices. kinda have to know that he will fuck up.

This parenting thing should have come with a better dam handbook. Like, one for dummies....cause the ones I see are way too complex.

Chris O said...

I always assume the worse with my kids, that they are guilty of horrible things. I think it was because I was a horrible teenager. I love being proven wrong and I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt before I voice my deepest fears. They really are smarter than I have ever hoped.

When they were young I used to have daymares. I'd visualize them falling thru railings, out windows. Dangers were everywhere.

But we all fail our kids at some time. Many times.

Anonymous said...

Santa's gonna cut ya man. Santa's a blade-man man.

Gini said...

Just like I don't think my 11 year old daughter or her friends, cuss, right?? Until I read and email of hers - at least it was abbreviated - OMFG. I wonder if she even knows what it stands for. We all are allowed to think our children are innocent of all wrong-doing for as long as possible.

Miz Q said...

I think it's a good thing that your first instinct is to presume innocence. It didn't take your mind long to run through the logic and come up with the truth. That's not being blind, you didn't dismiss it as an impossibility. I think knee jerk belief is better than knee jerk suspicion. As long as you keep an open mind for the truth.

Anonymous said...

you already know that I have BTDT with those feelings etc...shit happens. boys will do dumb stupid shit. and we will find out after the fact. we will never catch it all and we will never catch it all before shit happens either...we have to know that and get over it and move on!