and why i write the longest post titles in the history of mankind. couldyouimagineifididntspaceoutmywordsandwrotesthetitleslikethis? wow. that was hard. my brain definitely wants to space out the words. and no, it doesn't want to capitalize things. suck it.
if you've been following my blog lately at all, you'd know that i'm in the process of torturing the hell outta myself... aka attempting to lose weight. you'd also know that i'm on day 11 of said torture. is it any wonder that the word DIE is in diet? i didn't think so.
here's what i'm learning. and i think i should also clarify. i'm definitely not doing a NO carbs, NO sugar detox for these 14 days. it's more like a LOW sugar, LOW carbs. cause you see, i could drink milk if i wanted (1% or non-fat), but i'm not. and milk has sugar and carbs in it. i can (and am) eating lowfat cheese, and cottage cheese and nuts and stuff. all of those things have sugar and carbs in them.
moving on. it's day 11 and i will tell you that this week has been the roughest. I WANT SOME FUCKING BREAD AND BUTTER. I WANT SOME FRENCH FRIES. I WANT SOME CAKE! i do. and it's not even my body that wants them i don't think. it's my head. my mind. i think i want them cause i can't have them. and i want them bad. like it's all i think about when i drive to and from work. i'm not eating them.... but i want too. it's not like i'm fighting off this urge that my body is super feening for and MUST.HAVE, you know? it's my fucking brain. my mind wants them. it seriously consumes my thoughts.
boyfriend made the mistake last night of telling me to just "stop thinking about them." i think i bit his head off and ate it for dessert.
the thing that sucks too with this whole lifestyle change and eating better for the rest of your freaking life thing- is that i'm mentally aware that i'm trying to eat better with every single that i eat. so every meal.. every snack.. every ANYTHING.. is work. and that kind of takes the easiness and the fun out of it. and it also makes me mental. because i'm fully aware that i am not eating how or what i would be eating if i could just eat however i wanted. does that make any sense?! so this is the part that sucks. this is the part i'm going to struggle with. because eating the same types of foods over and over and over again for every meal is going to get crazy boring and i'm going to want to splurge. and i'm just going to want to live how i want. and then i'm going to hate how i look.
it's like this constant battle and really, is it worth it?! UGH! i have to get past this whole mental battle part. the battle with food. the battle with my defiant mental nature and wanting something cause i'm not supposed to have it. see how rebelious i am even when it comes to myself?! good lord.