in memory of my grandma

i got the call on friday morning that my grandma was in the hospital and it didn't look good. my mom said she didn't think she'd make it through another day. with that, i finished up all of my work (fucking work ethic) and headed home.

grandma wasn't in the best of shape. i literally walked in the room, saw her lying there and walked right back out. i couldn't stop the tears at that point. and when the kindest patient walking the halls came up to me to ask ME if I was okay (you know, she's the patient, i'm the visitor) i literally couldn't find my voice. it was gone. nothing would come out and i could barely even make my head move up and down. i knew that if i did find my voice for that woman, i would have broken into heaving sobs. it was better that it didn't come out. we spent most of friday in the hospital. boyfriend and i were the last to leave and then we got the call that she had let go about 4 hours later. in my heart, i know that her letting go so quickly was for the absolute best. it would have just been heartbreaking in every possible way had she held on in that state for any longer. (i'm sorry grandpa. i know you're reading this and i'm really trying to be sensitive to your feelings here. i love you.)

grandparents are a funny thing. when you're a kid, you just think of them in such a light way. you see them as the people who bake these certain kinds of cookies you don't eat anywhere else. the people who give you a ridiculous amount of gumdrops in a bag for your car ride home. the ones with the swimming pool in the backyard that you get to roller skate around, and with that really fun moveable chair that takes you to the apartment above the garage that you can ride up and down in.

but when you become and adult and if you're fortunate to have your grandparents still around, you start to see them as real people and not just these gumdrop giving superstars. you get to learn what kind of jobs they had. you get to find out that your grandmother was the first female principal at the high school where she got the job. you read newspapers articles talking about her being that first female principal and her being pissed off that they're making it about her gender. you learn that she worked for disney (just like you did) and for a radio station (just like you did). and you learn just how bad ass your grandma really is. and you laugh because when you start to think about the kind of woman she is (stubborn, strong willed, fierce, feisty, opinionated, sassy, smart, etc) you realize that it's a lot like yourself. and in some weird way, it makes you proud.

i am proud of the woman my grandmother was. and i'm really going to miss her. i'm so thankful that she was able to come to my wedding. i'm so thankful that when we were all just there for christmas, she seemed okay and we spent lots of time together and talked about silly memories. it's awful how quickly things seemed to happen and how quickly she fell apart. i know that probably pissed her off.... which makes me smile. i love the fiesty. i'll miss the fiesty.

i love you grandma. thank you for everything you were and everything you taught all of us. grandpa, i know you're reading this. i love you more than words.