Thursday, December 11, 2008

i'm tired of being a fat ass

i really am. and nothing is more depressing than trying to find new clothes that fit over my fat ass.

look, getting older sucks. being a WOMAN and getting older is even more suckier. it's true that once you hit 30 everything changes. whatever worked to lose weight before, does not work anymore. whatever took 1 week to work, now takes at least 4 times as long to get the same results. it's frustrating. it's hard. and it sucks. and it keeps getting harder with each year you add to that 30 mark.

i'm tired of working out and getting no results. it's very unmotivating to work out and work out hard and feel good about the work out, but not see anything from it. I HAVE TO SEE RESULTS TO KEEP WANTING TO BUST MY ASS THIS WAY. not that difficult of a concept.

the other thing? i don't want to have to fucking starve myself to lose weight. and seriously, that's what i feel like i have to do. i feel like i have to be hungry for most of the day. i definitely have to go to bed hungry. otherwise, it just doesn't work. i can't eat kinda healthy and kinda crappy and work out and be happy with my body. you might be able too, but i can't. like it doesn't work for me. and i want it too. i want to eat some junk food. i want to eat good food too, but i also want to eat junk. and i want that to be okay. i want to be able to work it off and still feel like how i look is awesome. but i don't feel that way. and i feel like i just keep getting chunkier. and i totally hear this guy in my head who said to someone about me 6 months after i'd had blake, "she looks like she's eaten one too many cheeseburgers."

i'm not normally the girl they say that shit about.
or maybe i am.
maybe i'm just not normally the girl who gives a fuck.

but lately, i can't get that cheeseburger comment out of my head. if i had one too many cheeseburgers 10 years ago, just imagine how many more it looks like i've eaten now.

i'm just tired of being so unhappy with how i look. if it's this difficult now, and if it's only going to keep getting more and more difficult with age- am i seriously going to be dealing with this shit forever?! like until i die?! cause i don't want to live like that. i don't want to have my whole adult life marred by the constant struggle to feel good about how i look. because it's not fun. and i'm sick of it. and i hate it. and i just want what i do at the gym to work. i want to see results when i work out. i don't want it to be THIS hard to lose weight. and it is for me. and i just don't understand why it has to be this way?! and why can't it be easier? and why do i have to fucking starve myself to lose 20 pounds? and will i have to do that shit forever? because if i do starve myself to lose the 20 pounds (and by starving i do not literally mean starve.. i mean, just barely consume any fucking calories) i can't live like that forever. i mean, eventually.. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT REAL FOOD. right?! and then what? the weight comes back?! a

just tell me what works. give me advice. if you struggle, and i mean really struggle with your weight, just talk to me here. if it's 1o pounds, 20.. or 100 you need to lose. how do we lose it and keep it lost?!?

ps- all this talk about being fat, and feeling fat, and just loathing myself.. know what it makes me want to do? eat.chocolate. yeah. how fucked up is that?


SLynnRo said...

You know, a lot of people assume that because I am thin, I am just one of the lucky ones. NOT SO! I fight it every day. I don't eat fried foods. I only eat low fat snacks. I work out EVERY GODDAMN DAY. And I would get totally frustrated if I felt like I was reaping the returns (even though you are totally cute, I know exactly how you feel!). Cardio is what works for me. And cutting sugar.

Gini said...

I read your blog a lot, and had to comment on this post. Amen, sister. I am 42, had a hysterectomy 2 1/2 years ago (not using it as an excuse, but...) and I feel EXACTLY like you do. I think I am going to have to just stop eating, which who the hell wants to or can, do that. I have worked out since Jan 08 and have not lost 1 effing pound that has stayed off permanently. I have stopped the last 3 weeks and can feel myself getting fatter. dammit. I will read all the comments to see what the suggestions are for sure!! Thanks for saying what we all want to say, but don't.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way that you do. I'm really looking forward to hearing what others say in the comments. Hopefully it will help us all.

Anonymous said...

I'm a fat ass too! And I was downright skinny till I hit mid-forties. Now I get fatter and fatter no matter what. I work out, I starve myself ... and? FATTER!
It sucks. Sadly, I am caring less and less. I'm starting to just give up.

Shawna said...

Join my club! It sucks. I'm sick of getting fatter and fatter and never wanting to go anywhere or have pics taken or anything because I'm totally embarrassed by the way I look. I know what I have to do to lose the weight, and I can do it, but the minute I eat like a human being again, I gain it all back and usually a few extras to go with it.

Anonymous said...

Hey fat ass! It's better to have that than a fat gut! ;)

I'm currently doing Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer and I just ordered Jillian's Shred.

I'm on the prowl for a treadmill and have cut out lots of soda. I have a couple of sponsors that will be helping in Jan09' so we'll see what happens.

For the record, you look freakin' beautiful woman! You are hot and rockin' it. Quit thinking like that!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm not one to talk since I am fat as a house, but I do know that weight/resistance training will build muscle and that will raise your metabolism. If you have to choose between weights and cardio choose weights, but try to squeeze as much cardio in as you can.

Good luck.

Perstephone said...

Oh, do I get you on this. After having Ivy my weight was unacceptable, so I started working out 6, yes 6!, nights a week and eating 1200-1500 calories a day. I wrote everything down. I did this for 12 straight weeks. I lost 6 fucking pounds. SIX. What in the hell?!?! Previously I would have lost about 15-20 in that timeframe working out like that. So, I said screw it and started working out only 4 days a week because why kill myself, right? Well, I gained 7 pounds in 3 weeks. Mother effer.

I am really trying to come to terms with the fact that I eat healthy, work out, sometimes eat junk, and am just chubby. CHUBBY. Like almost as chubby as Oprah just admitted to being chubby. But self-acceptance at this stage feels almost like defeat. Which is twisted.

Your friend,

Andie said...

Jenn, you know what, like you I struggled with my weight for a while. I know what you mean about your body changing, etc. Finally, this year, I was tired of being heavier, and although I was a smidge smaller than I had been, i wanted to be healthier and I was still about 20 pounds overweight.

I joined Weight Watchers. Went to meetings, followed it and I DID NOT starve. I made my goal, and then some, and I still go out to dinner frequently, I still eat cookies when I want to, I just taught myself how to make wiser food decisions.

My theory on weight loss- you really have to have your heart in it and go with it- whether it's jenny craig, weight watchers, atkins, or whatever. It's kind of like quitting smoking. You have to really want it for yourself to succeed. KWIM? I struggled with it for a long time and then finally one day, I just decided to join weight watchers. and I lost the weight. and I feel fantastic and I'm the size I was now that I was when I was a sophomore in college! So I feel pretty amazing. I'll tell you, it's really a mindset thing and you have to alter your thinking. Once you get past that hurdle, everything seems to fall into place. and i never ever really felt hungry or like I was missing out on something.

(oh, and I RARELY work out! I just do my regular "around the house" stuff.

Hope you're feeling better!

BTW- if you EVER need to talk about the whole weight loss struggle, drop me an email, because I really, truly, can sympathize with you.

Anonymous said...

I love, love, love the Abs Diet for Women. I don't get to eat as much junk as I might like, but I still get junk.

Just be careful. I was bad about starting diets and losing a lot at first, then gaining it back. Because of this, my gallbladder got all wonky and I had to have it out this year. So while I know how much it totally sucks to not see results right away, you're doing your gallbladder a favor!

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly the same way. I am constantly frustrated by my weight. I have no idea what to do.

I don't even have the time to work out properly.

Anonymous said...

I have this same battle.

I eat mostly healthy foods, with a little bit of junk, just to keep life happy, and I gain about 1lb every 6 weeks or so. Not a lot, but in a year, that's 6-9lbs.

AND, I too am going to they gym.

Getting older stinks.

Anonymous said...

I swear by Body for Life. And it's really not that difficult, promise. You alternate cardio and weight lifting. Weight lifting is the key to getting your metabolism up. And you eat 5-6 smaller meals w/ added protein. I swear it's not that hard. I've had a hard time loosing my baby weight and I droped 10lbs in the first 12 week challenge I did. Then I completely stopped. Stopped exercising and eating right and kept it off for a year.
Now, I do need to get back on it bc my metabolism is starting to go back down.

Anonymous said...

Weight Watchers. Seriously.

sugaredharpy said...

You know what works? Not starving yourself to be some magical size. Not fighting so hard with your body. Your body knows what's right, why not just eat healithy, exercise normally and happily, and allow yourself to be whatever healthy weight your body thinks it should be.

Those who tell you (with love, I totally know it's with love) to do Weight Watchers or this or that diet, also know that they and you can't do that forever.

You can be forever thin, but you'll also have to constantly fight your body, eat unnaturally, etc. to be forever thin. Health is more important. Don't "let yourself go," but stay active, feed yourself well, and be happy. Throw your scale away and love your happy body.

I say this with love and as someone who has the same struggles, even as I am now embracing that my body is smarter than a women's magazine. It's hard to change that perception. I just decided that I refuse to treat my body so badly my entire life. That if I'm heavier than I was at 16, so what. I'm happier, I have a good life, I'm healthier by far.

I gift you with Shapely Prose
(, this is for anyone at any size (skinny to heavier) and they promote health at whatever size you are right now and acceptance that you really are beautiful. Always.

Anonymous said...


I think you look great!

Don Mills Diva said...

I so hear this post! Everything gets so much harder when you get older. All I can recommend is weight training - I have found it really does boost your metabolism.

Kristabella said...

First, I think you look HAWT!

Second, I totally agree about the over 30 thing. It is like magically, you can't eat bad over the weekend, not work out and fit in your pants. Every mistake SHOWS! It is fucking FRUSTRATING!

I lost a lot of weight about 5 years ago on Weight Watchers. I think that is a good way to go with the healthy eating. I alwayas ate healthy before, but man portion control was my issue.

Back then, I just ate healthy and it came off. Now, if I don't eat right AND work out, I'm SCREWED.

I think you need to just do what makes you feel happy. Don't starve yourself. Just love the body God gave you and fuck the people who think otherwise!

Chibi said...

No constructive advice because I'm trying to get back on the Stuart Smalley "I'm good enough" band wagon, but god do I hear you on the chocolate -- when I'm having one of THOSE days, my mind goes to "Might as well have a chocolate bar: I'm already fat and ugly!"

*rolls eyes*

Anonymous said...

My tip is dothe opposite of what everyone else does. Seriously. Don't do long, slow, boring cardio - do interval training - higher intensity with rest in between.

Eat 5-6 small meals a day - means you cut down portion size so you don't need to eat as much.

Too much of even the good foods will cause you to put on body fat.

Stop eating low fat foods and diet drinks/foods. They have artificial sweeteners that make you more hungry so you eat more.

You can still have cheat meals but make sure they are no more than 10% of your total meals - so 4 a week max if you eat 6 meals a day.

Finally cut out bread and as much processed foods as you can.

You can get the body that you deserve.

Trust me on this one.

If this sounds like it makes sense check out my blog for more fat loss information for you.

It is not a sales page - just fat loss information that works with real people.

Good luck

Ali said...

i work at it every single day...and turning 30 was just shitty. really, really shitty. i like food too much to give it up, but i definitely try to make better choices and eat more veggies and less carbs and sugars.

Smug said...

I feel your pain and I know how to get thin, but the question for me is, "do I really want to do it?"

I know that it would take cutting dairy, processed foods, bread, and sugar.

Eat fresh veggies all day every day

Workout a couple of hours 7 days a week!

Do I really want to be thin that badly?

Maybe, maybe not!

Anonymous said...

aunt jenn!!!!!

you are are not fat at all. thats the stupidist thing ive ever heard.

i have sat here the whole day
(except while i was at work) and read all your blogs or whatever they are called and this one is RIDICULOUS. i know i am 16 and what do i know but i think you are being very dumb. haha i know how girls think about their weight becuase i am 16 and yes all i hear from girls my age is how fat they are. but you are gorgeous and anyone will agree with that. you have fun being who you are ( a.k.a my crazy aunt)and YOU ARE NOT A FAT ASS.

p.s mom would be mad if she heard me say the "a" word. haha

Anonymous said...

I'm 33. My life has not yet started (marriage, kiddos) and my body is starting to shut down on me. Storing fat, fatigue... so not attractive. Finding a man to love me for me when the media showcases this "woman" that does not exist... so frustrating. I have not good advice, just kudos to you gals for trying so damn hard!

Anonymous said...

I am a fucking fat ass bitch and I want to kill myself...a fucking size ten who no longer fits into my clothes and fucking pants are so long I fucking walk on them...I want to take a knife and cut out all the ugly ass fat around my waste

j.sterling said...

dont' kill yourself. i know it sucks. i know it's hard.. i hate thinking that we will all struggle with this FOREVER. or until we die. ugh, will we sit there in the afterlife wanting to smack ourselves for wasting so much time on that shit?!?!! ugh.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. I used to be thin and so comfortable with myself (just walked in the closet and picked out anything and was great to go in public). Now I am embarrassed to go in public and bought spanx to cover my gross fat. Over the past year and a half I gained all my weight back and have a huge disgusting gut and no matter what I do I can not lose the weight. I run 5 miles a day, cut calories, dieted to no end, bought diet pills, and I'm seriously considering starving myself because in the past that is the ONLY thing that worked for me. I have googled tips and tricks beyond belief. You are not alone!!!!