Tuesday, May 20, 2008

i'm a crappy wife...

i think that good wives probably work all day (either outside the home, or in), cook dinner for their family, clean up after their family, do the laundry when it needs to be done, clean the entire house, etc.. and they probably do it with a smile- and without complaints.

which is why i'm obviously not a good wife. because this shit pisses me off. i get so annoyed and so frustrated when i get home from work after 7 o'clock at night and find the house a freaking disaster area. i get so mad when i walk into the kitchen and the level of filth in it disgusts me. (seriously, how hard is it to wipe off a fucking countertop??? apparently, it's totally.fucking. difficult) so i clean. and then i'm pissed off that i'm cleaning. because the entire time i'm wondering why the hell I'M the one who is doing the scrubbing when i literally JUST WALKED THROUGH THE DAMN DOOR. and listen, i've posted about all of this before. how boyfriend just sees things differently than i do. i see disgusting filth, and he doesn't even notice. but where is the compromise? i let the filth sit and don't demand that it get cleaned up RIGHT NOW, but it's not like he will ever clean it. he'll let it sit there... forever.... until it becomes something that can probably live and breathe and take over the whole house.

i have tried to protest in my own mind. you know, i tell myself that i'm not cleaning. i'm not wiping the coffee stains off the counter anymore. i'm not wiping the grease and grime off of the stove from his dinner the other night. i'll just let everything sit there and he'll be so disgusted that he'll have to clean at some point. but that point never seems to come. so when i finally do breakdown and clean, i'm all pissy about it.

so mind protesting doesn't work. because in the end it solves nothing. hmph.

the best part? boyfriend wants love, affection and praise when he puts the dishes away and takes the trash out. like, aren't i the best husband in the world and isn't your life that much more awesome because i took the trash out without you having to ask me too? and part of me is thankful that he did those things and does think he's totally awesome for it, but the other part of me is like "are you fucking kidding me? so what? you put the dishes away and you want a fucking medal? what about everything i do, every single day??? where's my fucking medal? where's my praise? where's my break????"

and i think that's what it's really all about. it's not about the number of times i put away the dishes versus the number of times he does. it's not about how many times i have to shut the fucking cupboard doors after he opens them because apparently he just can't seem to do it. it's not about the fact that if i don't vacuum or dust, no one ever will. it's about the fact that it never seems to be my turn for a break. i'm tired of walking through the door to a house that just has shit everywhere. papers all over, etc. it makes me hate the house. i hate things that are messy, ugly and fucking disgusting and that's what our house is. i just don't want to be the one who has to work this hard at work, and then work this hard at home. where's my relaxation? when is it my turn to sit on the couch for hours at a time and do nothing? where is my break while the house magically cleans itself?????

that's why we need a fucking housekeeper. i'm serious. i want a housekeeper that comes twice a month. (i wish i had a cook, a maid and a landscaper too, but let's not go overboard). i think a housekeeper is the key to my sanity here folks. not to mention boyfriends happiness. cause we all know when mama's happy, the family is happy. and right now mama's a pissy bitch.


Tracy said...

Sometimes people just don't notice filth (or they have a very high tolerance for it). But they don't mind doing whatever the chore is if you ask. The thing is that you have to ask them to do it or it won't occur to them.

Or there's the housekeeper option.

Or you could have a serious sit down and talk meeting with him.

Just a few thoughts! :)

Hey, are you going to the BlogHer conf this summer? I'm thinking about going.

Jenna said...


I am ALWAYS thinking these things, but have never had the balls to say it.

A housekeeper? The best investment in our money I ever made. Twice a month. It seriously is one less thing that I have to worry about. Now excuse me while I go back to work and then go home to tonight to yet another load of never-ending laundry.

Anonymous said...

Yep she comes twice a month and the cost is really nominal and the cost to my blood pressure is less as well.

It took me 4 years to convince husband that the dishes don't automatically go from the table to the dishwasher magically!

And don't kid yourself Jenn it is the same whether you work late or not at all and just do errands. It still doesn't matter they see things differently than we do. Past behavior is a good predictor for future behavior. It ain't gonna change.

If you can afford it go for it.

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

you just described my life! matt cooks but that's about it. the rest i do. and i never get a thank you. from him OR hannah. i'm so used to it. i complain about once a month or so and it does nothing but at least it's off my chest. i think we're just 2 in a huge giant pool of wives who go through the same thing. get used to it lol

Anonymous said...

oh, I totally feel you!!! You're not a bad wife at all, well, if you are, then I am too!! I hate coming home from work to clean! specially the kitchen! Why is it so hard for them to clean after themselves!?

Daddy Dan said...

I would HIGHLY recommend getting a housekeeper. We have one that comes once every two weeks and it's been a huge argument reducer.

Anonymous said...

Does he put full plates of food in the sink and then run water on it so it can turn to muck? Oh that's the B.E.S.T! I can't think of anything I enjoy more than sticking my hand in a pot full of random mushy gook. Boys rule!

norcalgirl28 said...

No, you aren't a crappy wife and stop talking about my friend that way!!! Like Becky said, unfortunately, we're all in this together. I let the vaccuum cleaner sit in the family room for a week while I had pneumonia (think Boomer's fur all over the floor!) and NO ONE touched it. I have pneumonia folks!!! Walking down the hall was a feat in and of itself, vaccuuming would have killed me!! So, when I was feeling better, ironically on Mother's Day, I vaccuumed the whole house. Frickin' brain dead family have I!!!! and that is just one of many examples. I'm sorry love, but you're not alone and that doesn't make it fair, but you're so not alone in this thing.

Alison said...

I'm with Becky---I bitch about once a month and hear his ridiculous argument ("I take care of the big projects and outside stuff"). Okay, "big outside projects" occur like once every 10 years because we don't have money for that crap and outside stuff? Hello, we have someone who does the yard work for us. Boys suck. Anyway, I hear ya on this one. We're always the ones running around cleaning and picking up shit at the store while the rest of the family sits on the couch and does nothing. My husband complains about all the papers he has to grade and planning he has to do. Well, I grade papers and plan too, buddy, all while doing laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, paying bills, taking kids to school, picking them up, etc. etc. etc. ARGH!!!

Perstephone said...

I feel you!

My 67 yo coworker and I talk about this all the time and her husband, who is retired and has LOADS of time, is still the same way. Men and women just view "clean" differently, sadly. I've decided that the only thing I will be nutso about though is the kitchen. I hate a nasty kitchen. Otherwise, I let everything else go so that I can chill and I deal with it when it really bothers me.

Before we had Ivy my SIL's cleaning company came 1 time a month for a deep clean and that helped, so I bet if you get someone twice a month you'll feel so much better. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

o.k. he is a total slob (sorry point, I love you but you are) he really is. You must get a maid. It is the only solution, but then you will end up cleaning before the maid comes (and he hates to do this too) He honestly doesn't see the filth. I really think that you don't stand a chance Jenn, leaving with 2 boys. Good Luck
Point's Sister

Anonymous said...

As usual, you are HYSTERICAL! I am so like your husband and now I'm feeling really sorry for my husband! For the first 6 years we were together, I did all of the cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. He NEVER cleaned, cooked, picked up, etc. I finally just stopped. If my husband wanted to eat, he had to cook, if he wanted to wear clean clothes, he had to do the laundry. I just couldn't wear all the hats anymore. And.. when you want to eat, you have to have clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware. Seriously though, now it's my husbands turn to wait on me for five more years and then I'll take over! Sounds like a pretty good plan, huh?!?!

point45 said...

i wonder why everyone says that the argument happens once a month? thats odd. what happens once a month......?

um yea im not saying i do a lot of the stuff. but its not like i dont do anything. i used to cook or sometimes still do. i kind of stopped because all i heard was complaining about what i cooked or why we had that or "i don't know what i want." i put out the trash i pick up stuff.

and as far as cleaning goes all your points are totally valid, but what is new? i have always been this way? im better than i was, but im NEVER going to be OCD. and the fact that our kitchen looks like shit because of the year it was built doesn't help.

and after all the years of listening to dyson vacuum love...i thought you like to do it.

we will get a maid soon. but if we do im not cleaning up before they get there because that is fucking idiotic and lame.

ditzymoi said...

I bet this is exactly how my husband feels ...he lives with a house full of slobs and I don't help at all anymore ... I went back to work and went on strike

Thanks now i feel guilty lol

Smug said...

Thanks for your post on my blog!

Your situation is so funny because we all feel the same way! I have a lady that comes twice a month and does the vacuuming, mopping, dusting and cleans the bathroom. This is a huge help (both hubby and I work long hours, plus I go to school), but we still have to work out a schedule for kitchen and yard work, etc. My husband is really good if I ask him to do stuff, but not so good about thinking about what needs to be done on his own.

A housekeeper might help your situation, but also just talking about it, or putting together a list of assigned duties might help too. Maybe the boy just doesn't have it staring him in the face, putting everyone on paper might help him see!
Good luck!!

Don Mills Diva said...

Forget talking - it won't work.

Save your marriage and your sanity and get someone to come in and clean every two weeks stat.

Southern (in)Sanity said...


Hopefully that will get worked out soon!

Lisa said...

What is it with some men? WHy do they need validation for doing things that need to be done or that we do ALL THE TIME without being asked or praised for it? My biggest gripe is that I live with three "boys"...when there is pee all over the back of the toilet seat, it is obviously not from me...so why won't one of them clean it? They won't even own up to it! Even when I yell about it, the pee sits there until I clean it because I find it disgusting!

Evil Witch said...

Holy shit! they really are all the same.
I feel ya lady! The earth would take back my house if I didn't clean it, no one else will. My family knows not the phrase "clean up after yourselves" but it's not from lack of hearing it.

Andie said...

I hear ya. DO I EVER. Fortunately, my husband will jump in when stuff starts to look rough. But sometimes, I feel like I have to bitchbitchbitch before it gets done.

Especially when it comes to laundry.