is it SO wrong

that when i see this picture, i think of my bedroom?

seriously. our carpet is probably that color... and our paint is one of those blues, and lord knows i'm turning the damn thing into a freaking ad for coastal living. but i love it so much! so.so much i can't even tell you how much joy just being in that room gives me. it's the colors. it's the decore. it's everything beachy and so me. poor boyfriend. beach does not equal him. well, i hope he likes it. lol

here are a couple of other pics i took while in LA recently. (i added texture to this picture, so no.. it doesn't look like that in real life)

what happens at lunch...

obviously does not stay at lunch. random bits of lunch conversation goodness for you to chew on for this glorious friday afternoon:

"if you tell anyone that i like chili's jenn, i will never speak to you again." (done and.... )

"i better not see this on your blog." (yeah? now what?)

"it's aloha friday! 2 friday's in a row! everyone get on board!!"

"oh my god, you're laughing so hard, actual tears are coming out of your eyes!"

"we sobered up and walked in the door, and i heard "squish, squish".. and my whole apartment was flooded. i didn't get lucky that night." (to which we all responded that his first problem was actually sobering up before he brought his date home. dur)

"i love that you are wearing a tank top in your drivers license picture." (as if i'd be wearing something with sleeves in la.. please)

"when i took my passport picture, they told me i couldn't smile. no really, NO smiling."

"i would live on beer if it wouldn't kill me."

"i don't even know what i just ordered, i just kept saying yes and yes."

"i am offended by our waitresses jeans." (not like the ones IN her body. but the ones ON her body.)

"i have a headache even sex can't fix." (okay so no one really said that.. so what, sue me)

but this question DID come up.... over and over and over again...
"what the hell ever happened to scott wolf????"

the post where we start seeing other people...

because i've watched my bloglines subscribers drop over the last year. from 90 something to 80 something... now it's down in the 60's. shit, before i know it, no one will be reading this blog. i wonder if it's because i stopped reading the 200 blogs i used to read daily? and stopped commenting? you have to stop doing that kind of thing when it starts to feel like work you know? blogging can't feel like a job. at least not for me. that's when all the enjoyment just fades away. i'm sure you can relate.

remember when we used to get 40 comments on every blog post? i do too. seems like those were the days. when people read and commented. but i'm guilty of that too i guess. i still read, but i don't always comment. hypocrite, party of 1.

maybe i'm just not that entertaining? or that funny? or truly that interesting? lord knows i'm not political enough. or green enough. and i don't tend to talk about things that matter to the world. and i'm beginning to think that you like that.. don't you internet? you like mattering to the world and making a difference. but me, see i don't. no wait. that's not true. i mean, i like to matter to the world, but i don't like reading that stuff constantly. but maybe that's because i don't read blogs for that type of information. i don't want to read about how screwed up we are. or a list of negative things that are wrong with the world and the people in it... yet here we are, living in it together.

maybe that's the thing internet.... maybe we just like different things? maybe we want different things from eachother? it's not you, it's me. or it's not me, it's you. it seems that at least one of us is already seeing other people. you're breaking up with me, aren't you?

hi! how are you?

no really.. how are you? how are things?

me? well i'm so busy at work that i feel like i can barely breathe sometimes and that my head will explode if i try to cram one more tiny bit of information into it.

seriously. like it will explode. into a million disgustingly messy pieces. and someone here will have to clean it up. ew. it would suck to have that job.

work is beyond insane. my head is beyond fried. my body is still thick like steak, but my husband still loves me. and well folks, that's a good thing.

i just wanted to say HI because i know some of you care. and some of you might not- but i'm still here. i'm just really busy and really work focused and it is consuming all of me (except my body fat).

so.. how are you? what is going on? TELL ME!

my weekend in pictures

per usual, i don't even know what to say.

did you know that i'm a celebrity?

neither did i.

guy #1: "are you hiding from your fans?"
me: "huh? oh, my sunglasses? no. my eyes are killing me and i have a headache so i don't want to take them off."
guy #1: "and your fans. you are on tv aren't you?"
me: "what?? no. i'm just tired and my eyes.. they're really bothering me."
guy #1: "and you don't want people to take your picture."
me: "no seriously. my eyes. THEY.ARE.HURTING."
guy #1: "and your fans... "
me: "FINE! yes, and my fans. damn fans. they're so annoying."
guy #1: "i knew it."

moments later....

guy #2: "what sitcom are you on again?"

*gives up*
me: "it's not a sitcom, it's more like reality tv."

*puts sunglasses on and hides*

since i don't have a laptop

this is what happens when i'm at the airport...  i wish i could live blog because things truly exciting happen and i so badly want to share them with you!  but no.  no laptop.  no live blogging. 

instead, i bring you this installment of TEXT MESSAGING FROM THE AIRPORT!!!!

becky was my victim this morning and here is our "conversation".. via text of course.

jennster says "there is this idiot girl here and her flight is at 1 pm. so she is freaking out calling her daddy to come pick her up and she ACTUALLY said that she could not read her ticket.  i want to smack her and tell her that she better quit the dumb act cause she is nowhere near cute enough to pull it off.

becky said "kick her in the teeth"

to which i responded with "lol that goes against all i believe in.  you know how i feel about teeth!!!"

becky- "i know!  i feel the same way.  but some people deserve it."

ster- "now her neck... i have no special feelings for necks. i could kick her there."

becks- "do it!  break her fingers"

ster- "you are so violent. stay away from small children.  large ones are fine."

codeword for bitchiness?

last night as we were falling asleep boyfriend asked me the following:
"do you think we could think up a codeword for when you start going through the change and you turn into a raging pyschotic bitch for no reason and lose your sense of humor completely?"

was i supposed to answer that? because i just sat there for once in my life without a response. and good lord WHY DOES HE HAVE ME GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE ALREADY?!?!?!

pregnant is the new skinny

did a memo go out to pregnant women across the world that i missed? (note, i am NOT pregnant)... every pregnant chick i've seen for the past few months has been so.damn.skinny. (in short, they are not thick like steak) you can't even tell they have a bun in the oven until they turn their perfectly toned asses around and you see their belly. when did this happen?? when did being pregnant mean beoming all cute and non weight gainey? WHEN??? and HOW?!?!? don't these bitches eat?

not to mention the fact that after birthing, these chicks are probably skinnier than they ever were before birthing. why does this seem to happen to everyone except me? my two best friends are far thinner now after having TWO kids, then they ever were in high school or college. in a word (or two) NOT.FAIR. and how come i'm not like that? i've only had one kid dammit. and it was 9 years ago. and i'm still a fat ass. do i have to have another kid to get skinny again? that is so back asswards it's not even funny.

to all you skinny preggo bitches out there, good for you. i'm jealous. i'm jealous that you are thinner than i am WITH ANOTHER BEING INSIDE YOU. but you know what? rock on. look hot. feel hot. and then send me whatever the hell it is you're doing to me so i can become unthick.. not like steak. word.

how do you forgive?

reading blogs today i came across this post by mom to the screaming masses about forgiveness and forgiving. the poor lady has to read this in her comments section (yes, i wrote the incoherent babbling you are about to read below).

"i don't even know what to say. i mean, i think that forgiveness
is SO important because it truly only affects US when we don't forgive. we sit
there, harboring so much anger and resentment, and it's not like the person you
haven't forgiven is living with those feelings. only you are.

in the situation with my dad, i'm not angry anymore about what he's done. i feel truly indifferent and i just have nothing to say to him, so i don't speak to him. does
that mean i haven't forgiven? i'm not sure. i'm not holding onto anger or
bitterness or rage or anything like that- but how do you define true
forgiveness? are you supposed to act as if nothing was done wrong and carry on
like before the event occurred? i can't believe that to be true. so i'm trying
to find balance for myself. because i believe that he did not and does not care
about my feelings, so i have to be the one who does (dur)...... so i search
for what is right for me.

i don't want to hold on to anything negative, but i'm not sure i've let it all go yet either.

i am making no sense, but i do love to ramble."

so i've been thinking about what i wrote. and what she said. and the other posts i read as well. and i'm trying to think about this whole situation with my father. and how he cheated on my mom, left her, didn't talk to me for well over a year, didn't attend my wedding, etc. even when i write that, i have no anger. the anger has faded. all the anger that existed at the beginning has slowly, but surely, faded with time. is there hurt and sadness? yes. but do i loathe or hate my father? i do not. i don't feel those feelings towards him. but there is indifference. a whole hell of a lot of indifference. and just not really feeling much of anything (isn't that indifference jackass?). so what does that mean? does that mean i'm still angry? because i don't feel angry. if any emotion stems from the indifference, it's sadness. there are so many other things too that go into the complexity of this relationship. like the loss of respect. feeling like you don't know who they are as a person at all really. finding it difficult to have a conversation with them because you can "see through" the things they say. i think indifference is a sign i still haven't truly dealt with the situation (no shit sherlock).

i think it would all be so much easier if my dad apologized (instead of blamed) and maybe tried to offer solutions (instead of putting the "ball in my court" all the time) or actually attempted to mend bridges. he's always saying it's a 2 way street, and while i'm sure it is, when i'm not the one who did the wrong doings, why should i be the one going out of my way to right them? i don't think i should. so i don't. and either does he. and so here we are. with a damaged relationship that definitely affects me and hangs over my head... and heart. i don't know where you go from here when you're not sure what you want.

and then even more confusing is what seems to be the "requirement" for forgiveness- forgetting. but how can you truly forget? and are you never truly forgiving someone, if you aren't forgetting what they've done? it's all so confusing. and overwhelming. and lord knows i do not want to carry these karmic bullshit ties with me in the next life, so i had better get it together in this one! i just don't see how it's mentally possible to ever forget. i mean, unless it was something petty and stupid. but when it's something major, do you forget? maybe you just aren't supposed to not bring it up again- or throw it in the person's face- or use it against them. obviously, you're not going to wipe it from your memory. have i forgiven my father if i don't choose to better the relationship? does forgiveness have requirements? and how can you require certain things of each individual and each instance?

good lord. talk to me about forgiveness people and how it has positively or negatively affected your life. thank you mtsm for inspiring this post today- sorry it rides on your post but obviously it struck a nerve.

so far, march kinda sucks

our landlord hasn't responded to our demand letter. guess this means we're going to court. and we ARE. going to court. i'm sure he thinks we're bluffing. what a pain in the ass. and a hassle and everything else that goes along with someone just plain being a dick for no good reason. i'm annoyed that i even have to do this. take time off work. put together a presentation. he's out of his mind if he thinks i won't be asking for more money than what is just "owed." asshole.

and then i got a speeding ticket this morning. my own fault, sure- but still. THIS SUCKS. i haven't gotten a fucking ticket since i was 18. and so now i'll have to go to traffic school to get it off my record and i don't have time for traffic school since blake has baseball. and it's just another thing i have to do on top of all the other things that need to still be done (team mom for blake's team, snack shack coordinator, work on the house, pay taxes, find blake an acceptable new school to attend, find blake new after school care, find blake's new football for next year, new baseball for next year, etc)

oh yeah. and this year, we got royally fucked on our taxes. we owe a nice chunk of change because i took money out of my ira to put down on our house. boooooo

and did i mention that i have a job that is super busy and i have to travel and that travel just keeps getting more and more often? which is fine mind you because i LOVE MY JOB and I LOVE GOING TO LA, but it's exhausting. and i'm just tired. and my pillow on my bed really sucks and hurts and so i don't sleep well.

and really, could i bitch and complain more???? this is by far, my most depressing post ever. lol

scientology.is.wack.

but you knew that right?

but how much do you really know about scientology and what they do and what they practice? if you're anything like me, you don't know much about it (aside from the crazy random bits and pieces you've seen and heard).

a friend showed me a website yesterday. it's run by 3 ex-scientology kids. oh.my.god. i had no idea that scientology was THIS fucked up. i mean, i always thought they were wacked, but i had no idea the extent. when you get a chance, you have got to read this site. and then read the discussions on the forums page. it's unbelievable. even moreso, when you aren't a part of that "church" because it just all sounds so far out there.

listen, i can understand believing in something. and really thinking and feeling like what you are doing is the right thing. i get it. i truly do, but the lines that scientology crosses- and how they justify it- is terrifying to think about. is every member seriously that brainwashed that they think their actions are okay? the answer i think is for the most part is yes. they think that all their actions are for the good of the group and serve a better purpose. they believe that what they do, and how they do it, is for a good cause. but don't most crazy groups think and feel that way? in my mind, their way of thinking is no different than the terrorists. they thought what they were doing was right and just. they felt that their actions were for a greater good. it's all the same line of thinking. seriously scary stuff. seriously.

let me give you a couple of examples of the types of things that scientology "supposedly" practices and does:

• scientology uses a disconnection policy. when someone doesn't want to be a part of scientology anymore, they are disconnected from all other scientology members. this includes parents, siblings, any and all family, friends, etc. the disconnected person is then considered "evil" by the church. the church publicly denies that they use this. probably because it's not good for PR.
• fair game. while the term is no longer used, "supposedly" the practice still is. and the practice in a nutshell is "Fair game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed." of course, they deny this as well.

there are so many more things on that website that it's truly overwhelming. allegations of abuse (physical, mental, sexual), divisions of the group, people dying, etc. i have to forwarn you that scientology has it's own language, so some of the stuff takes a bit to understand because it all sounds so foreign. i just had no idea that all of these things "supposedly" went on. and i was horrified with what i've read. and so i figured that if i didn't know about this stuff, that most likely you didn't either. i figured that if it shocked the hell out of me, that maybe it would shock the hell out of you.

tom cruise better not send me any hate mail.

why i married this guy

me: "i don't wanna work out. do i hafta work out?" *groans*

him: "fuck no you don't have to work out. come home and eat girl scout cookies with me and drink beer!"

radio disney has this done to me

it has made me a fan of the following people-

miley cyrus (don't hate on hannah montana, she is the bomb and you know it)

aly & aj (omg, i freaking love their insomniatic cd.. songs 1, 2, 5, 6, 10, & 12 people)

jessie mccartney (i like his songs. dammit, what is wrong with me???)

colbie caillet (i think she's the only "adult" person on this list- YAY for me! i really like her song "realize")

and savvy & mandy (waiting for the heartbreak.. listen to it, it's the only song of theirs i know lol)

is it sad when the best pop/top 40 station in the bay area is radio disney? is it even more sad that i listen to radio disney when blake is not in the car?

possibly.

but whatever. i have always loved me some cheesy pop artists and this is no different- except for the fact that i keep getting older and these people keep getting younger. i feel like a freaking weirdo liking songs by 14 year olds. omg, that does make me a weirdo doesn't it? lol

well there you have it. radio disney has corrupted me and turned me into a freak who likes songs by kids. great. can't blame me really. if the songs weren't so catchy and fun, maybe i wouldn't like them!!!

quality time smells like burnt plastic

there's nothing like quality time with blake and myself... cooking up mini lego's for dinner.
don't ask.

my body is not a wonderland

or any other land, because most "lands" are super fun. you know, like disneyland! now my body might be as big as disneyland, but it's not nearly as fun.

i think that most everything i'll talk about in regards to my body is pretty much how most women feel, or have felt at some point, etc. i don't think myself different than anyone else. i don't think my thoughts unique. but i still have to live with them, no matter how universal they may be.

open letter to my body...

there are times that i love you. okay, love might be a little strong. there are times that i like you. times i am somewhat content with you. and then there are times that i LOATHE you. like now, for instance. you've heard of the freshman 15? well i swear there is a married 15 and i'm suffering from it. and i hate it. and it won't go away. and it's gross. and why won't you just play nice and make it go away while i sleep at night??? sometimes body, i wonder why you hate me so much.

you've never been perfect by anyone's standards. and rarely ever have i been consistantly satisfied with you. the amount you weigh doesn't run my life, but it's always there- on the backburner, waiting to be addressed. and it's probably gotten a little worse as i've gotten older (because dammit, it's so.much.harder.to.lose. i mean, REALLY!!!) body, we've always had "big" thighs and a "ghetto" booty. always. and for the most part, i've been fine with that. i dig the curves and i love our shape. but it's when we start to get a little "too" shapely that i'm not okay with it. LIKE THESE MARRIED 15 FOR PETE'S SAKE CRYING OUT LOUD.
*makes note that body obviously hates being blissfully happy... hence the weight gain*

okay. so where was i? oh right, always had a big ass. always had thunder thighs. check.

sometimes i think you suck and i feel fat and i think fat is such an awful word, and i know i'm not really "fat" perse, but i feel large and chunky and THICK. that's it. thick. and that grosses me out because i.do.not.want.to.be.thick. i am not a steak. hell, i don't even want to be skinny. or thin. i just want to be normal. and by normal, i mean normal for me. not normal for others, or society, or some magazine, or hugh heffner.... normal for me (which still includes some junk in the trunk mind you).

but it's so hard. and why is it so hard? why is it so hard to just like how i look? why?? i mean, here is how fucked up i am. when i eat really well and work out consistantly, i lose weight. and granted, when i lose the weight i feel good about myself (and you body). i might even run around the bedroom naked and allow boyfriend to actually look at me. when i'm dressed, i feel doubly hot. BUT it's not enough for me. looking and feeling good is not enough of a motivator for me to keep me doing it!!!!!!!! because i mentally tell myself it's not worth it. because i want to enjoy life and i want to eat whatever i want. but if i eat whatever i want, i will not weigh what i want to weigh. if i eat whatever i want, i will not look how i want to look. and so i get frustrated. i get frustrated that i can't eat crappy food. so then i eat crappy food. and then i get frustrated that i'm thick like steak (so going to be my new banner next month). and it's this fucking horrible cycle that never ends and i don't know how to find compromise and balance. i don't know how to like what i see when i look in the mirror. i love being able to eat whatever i want, but not at the cost of hating what i see. i love the feeling of enjoying what i see, but not at the cost of dreading each meal.

so tell me body! why won't you just tell me what i can do to make everything piece together nicely? because i know this issue isn't going anywhere and i hate thinking that i will have to deal with this until i die. i don't want to be concerned with my weight forever (but i know i will be because when do you stop caring about how you look altogether?).... i long to find balance. i am so tired of the struggle. the battle. the constant up and down.

i know i should eat a carrot stick right now, but all i want is a girl scout cookie.

i guess i should be lucky we don't weigh 3 times as much, eh body?

click here for more letters.

my body must wait

there is this thing going around blogland where we're supposed to write letters to our bodies. i love this idea. i have so much to tell this piece of crap.. i mean, this skin. but it will have to wait until my mind is not full of mush and the rattle of dog collars at 4am.

i haven't touched my husband in what seems like years. this little furry thing keeps putting himself between us. how the hell are trish and jeff ever gonna make a baby with toby around?? lol.. seriously, toby is the ultimate buzz kill. but he's funny. boyfriend and i laugh the whole time until one of us is completely passed out.

i did lots of decorating this weekend! okay, boyfriend did all the work and i just pointed to where i wanted things to go and divided things in my head. it's looking SOOO good i almost can't stand it! :) who knew?