or any other land, because most "lands" are super fun. you know, like disneyland! now my body might be as big as disneyland, but it's not nearly as fun.
i think that most everything i'll talk about in regards to my body is pretty much how most women feel, or have felt at some point, etc. i don't think myself different than anyone else. i don't think my thoughts unique. but i still have to live with them, no matter how universal they may be.
open letter to my body...
there are times that i love you. okay, love might be a little strong. there are times that i like you. times i am somewhat content with you. and then there are times that i LOATHE you. like now, for instance. you've heard of the freshman 15? well i swear there is a married 15 and i'm suffering from it. and i hate it. and it won't go away. and it's gross. and why won't you just play nice and make it go away while i sleep at night??? sometimes body, i wonder why you hate me so much.
you've never been perfect by anyone's standards. and rarely ever have i been consistantly satisfied with you. the amount you weigh doesn't run my life, but it's always there- on the backburner, waiting to be addressed. and it's probably gotten a little worse as i've gotten older (because dammit, it's
so.much.harder.to.lose. i mean, REALLY!!!) body, we've always had "
big" thighs and a "
ghetto" booty. always. and for the most part, i've been fine with that. i dig the curves and i love our shape. but it's when we start to get a little "
too" shapely that i'm not okay with it. LIKE THESE MARRIED 15 FOR PETE'S SAKE CRYING OUT LOUD.
*makes note that body obviously hates being blissfully happy... hence the weight gain*
okay. so where was i? oh right, always had a big ass. always had thunder thighs. check.
sometimes i think you suck and i feel fat and i think fat is such an awful word, and i know i'm not really "
fat" perse, but i feel large and chunky and THICK. that's it.
thick. and that grosses me out because
i.do.not.want.to.be.thick.
i am not a steak. hell, i don't even want to be skinny. or thin. i just want to be normal. and by normal, i mean normal for me. not normal for others, or society, or some magazine, or hugh heffner.... normal for me (
which still includes some junk in the trunk mind you). but it's so hard. and why is it so hard? why is it so hard to just like how i look? why?? i mean, here is how fucked up i am. when i eat really well and work out consistantly, i lose weight. and granted, when i lose the weight i feel good about myself (
and you body). i might even run around the bedroom naked and allow boyfriend to actually look at me. when i'm dressed, i feel doubly hot. BUT it's not enough for me.
looking and feeling good is not enough of a motivator for me to keep me doing it!!!!!!!! because i mentally tell myself it's not worth it. because i want to enjoy life and i want to eat whatever i want. but if i eat whatever i want, i will not weigh what i want to weigh. if i eat whatever i want, i will not look how i want to look. and so i get frustrated. i get frustrated that i can't eat crappy food. so then i eat crappy food. and then i get frustrated that i'm thick like steak (
so going to be my new banner next month). and it's this fucking horrible cycle that never ends and i don't know how to find compromise and balance. i don't know how to like what i see when i look in the mirror. i love being able to eat whatever i want, but not at the cost of hating what i see. i love the feeling of enjoying what i see, but not at the cost of dreading each meal.
so tell me body! why won't you just tell me what i can do to make everything piece together nicely? because i know this issue isn't going anywhere and i hate thinking that i will have to deal with this until i die. i don't want to be concerned with my weight forever (
but i know i will be because when do you stop caring about how you look altogether?).... i long to find balance. i am so tired of the struggle. the battle. the constant up and down.
i know i should eat a carrot stick right now, but all i want is a girl scout cookie.
i guess i should be lucky we don't weigh 3 times as much, eh body?
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