Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
will post more pictures (are you sick of them yet) when i get back! but they'll be honeymoon ones this time!
thank you everyone for all the amazing and kind things you've said over the past week about our wedding pictures, etc. you are truly the best and i can't thank you enough for the compliments!
*super big married smooches* see, i'm already whoring around. ha!
leaving you with one of my favorite pics of me with my mom (and some friends). i look awful, but the smile on my mom's face says it all. she is so stinking cute.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
this has been perfect. i have gotten to unpack things- organize the house a bit- and get settled. so much so that i keep forgetting we're leaving soon! or that we're leaving at all! i will remember when i have to freaking pack! good lord how i'm dreading that. i don't know why, i just am.
i don't have much to say lately. my thoughts are of wedding pictures and videos and friends and all sorts of things i've already said millions of times. the pictures just keep coming in and i will keep adding them to my flickr as i get them! it's funny to see basically the same picture from all sorts of different angles.
we developed the table camera pictures! oh man- a whole role of film of my brother. SO unnecessary!!!! enjoy:
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
boyfriend is totally on the same page. we both don't feel like we got married. we both don't feel like everyone was in tahoe FOR us. we feel like we met everyone there for a big party. a party that was super fun, but not a party that was about us- just a super fun party for everyone that we were a part of. i think that's weird. i think we're weird.
did anyone else feel this way?
and another thing- i totally keep forgetting that we still have a honeymoon to go on!!!!!!! i feel like the tahoe trip was our vacation and i'm completely content right now. but then i remember we still have something else to do! somewhere else to go!!! i think i'm almost too tired to be excited!
the best part? seeing that ring on his finger. i adore it. i love catching a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye. or hearing it clang on something. this morning when he took it off for work- i heard it hit the dresser and i started pouting. i understand why he can't wear his ring to work, but still- it makes me sad. i like knowing he's wearing it. there is something about that ring. maybe it's just the finger of the man it's on?
after our wedding, we had a party in our room. look at these pics and tell me you wouldn't do the same!!!
Monday, June 25, 2007
i am still overly exhausted and i don't know where to start, or what to say, or how to say it. everything leading up the wedding was awesome. i wasn't really ever nervous or weird or freaking out. okay, that's not entirely true. it was BEYOND freaking windy, so that had me more pissy than anything. i loathe the wind. L O A T H E. anyway- the night before the wedding a ton of us went out and gambled and danced and just spent time together. it was awesome. if there is one thing i don't think i sucked at, it was spending time with my out of town friends. i really feel good about how much i got to see them all. so that made me REALLY happy. :)
the day of the wedding, i was tired. and i was pretty mellow. everyone kept asking if i was nervous or getting anxious or anything- but really.. i was just chilling. and starving! i couldn't stop munching on anything i could get my hands on. my hair and my makeup turned out EXACTLY how i wanted them. remember how nervous i was for that because i hated my trial hair and makeup? well she did my hair 100% like the picture i brought and my airbrushing could not have been more amazing. i saw a picture of myself in someone's camera and i was like "that's me?? i totally want to make out with myself!!" ha!
it was super windy all day long. like freaking gail force winds and no i am not exaggerating. i looked out the PENTHOUSE WINDOW (hello, we got the penthouse!!!!) to see if people were already in their seats, and i caught a glimpse of boyfriend down there. i totally ran away from the window all quick and then i got all giddy!! he looked so hot!!! i was getting super excited! it's funny, cause as blake and i were waiting to walk down the aisle, i got a HUGE rush of being so excited and i was like, "blake- i can't wait to do this, this is SO MUCH FUN!!!!" i am a total nerd.
so as we went to walk down the aisle, the wind tried to kill me. i had to stop walking and get the damn veil out of my face and then i cursed the wind gods for hating me so. then i walked up to my man. the funniest part was the fact that when i got up to the altar i looked all shocked and surprised to see our friends up there. like i waved and said "omg, HI JIMMY! HI SCOTTY!!!" as if i didn't know they'd be there! see? total freaking nerd. it was so sweet and so incredibly special to have my now father in law standing up there marrying us. it could not have been more fitting.
the reception was awesome, but everyone is right- it goes by SO fast. before you know it, it's time for it to end. and i must mention the fact that i made a speech and i freaking said "HOLLA!!!" didn't i do that once before??? i said holla, and then my mind was like "did you just say holla? we do not say holla!" seriously i do not know what is wrong with me sometimes. after it was over we had everyone come to our room and party with us more! that was awesome! we were up until 4am and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
i guess i'll end it by thanking every single person who went out of their way to share our day with us. all of my forum friends for coming out and just making a special day even more special. it was so much fun and full of so many good memories- i can't wait to get the video! i want it now!!!!!!! extra special thanks to becks for blogging and taking GORGEOUS pics and just totally organizing the weekend the whole time with all of our friends. i love you!!
this is me. reading my vows. :)
and me laughing at blake during the sand ceremony
and the kiss that took my breath away
the hottest chicks in the world!
and it wouldn't be us without a little boob grabbin
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
boyfriend and i will write a post for dad said, mom said THIS FRIDAY! yes, the day before the wedding of the year!!!!! we are freaks. we know. but make sure you read it, cause i'm sure it will be... um... something..
and becks will be blogging somewhat live from the reception and all weekend long. so grandpa- please please please check her website often for updates with lots of pictures (click on her name and it will take you to her blog)! and becky, blog or i will be forced to kill you. i am counting on you!
alright. when i come back, i will be mrs boyfriend. you know, unless i completely freak out, or it snows and i refuse to leave my room, or something! ha!
Monday, June 18, 2007
no, i'm not nervous. and this has absolutely nothing to do with cold feet, or the actual getting married to one weiner for the rest of my life.. i'm just freaking out. the amount of things that need to be done, and checked off, and put together, etc and so forth, just swirl around in my head. constantly. it doesn't help that our stupid coordinator who has completely ignored me for over a year, is suddenly inundating me with emails and phone calls and freaking 10 page contracts to look over and approve. i'm like, "YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITH ME MONTHS AGO?!?!?!" cause she had all the information she is just now putting together at least 6 months ago!!!! i don't like doing things at the last minute, so this shit pisses me off. and adds to the FREAK OUT!!!
poor boyfriend- he turned to me in this morning and was like, "5 days til we get married!" and i snapped back, "oh that was cute a month ago. it's not cute anymore. i am so freaked out about shit, that i don't need you reminding me that i have no time left to do things that still need to get done at the start of each day!!!!" i'm surprised he didn't call the whole thing off. i must be a fucking joy to live with. he does make fun of the fact that for over 2 years i've been completely (well somewhat) normal- and NOW i'm losing it. he has mentioned medicating me. great.
yes. apparently now, i am going to lose it.
we haven't talked to our dj. not even once. i.am.freaking.out. i just have lots to do. and my head can only hold so much information before it explodes and makes a mess all over the place. i promise y'all that i'll be perfectly fine on saturday. because by then i simply won't give a shit anymore- it will be too late. but for now- yes, i fully intend on losing it. and i'm well on my way.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
jessica... i immediately thought "simpson!"
britney... i said "spears" in my head..
katherine.. i heard "mcphee!" ring in my ears..
and on and on and on.
i am surprised i didn't shout them out loud for as excited as i would get trying to match a famous last name with the first one. it was like i was in a game show.... but it was in my head... and it wouldn't stop playing..
i am so proud of my neice. she was so excited and so happy and it was so fun to be there for that special day. i would have never forgiven myself if i had missed it. it's just one of those kinds of days that you don't get back. no do-overs.. no replays.. you're either there for it, or you're not. i remember leaving high school and just how exciting it all was. your whole life ahead of you filled with so much promise and so much unknown. it's awesome! and now she's there! and i couldn't be happier for her!
the trip wouldn't be complete without some pics!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
first of all, i just have to say thank you so much to each and every one of you who commented or emailed me in regards to my last post. so many of your comments were so well thought out, supportive, and kind. i love it when you guys tell me how you can relate. i love hearing your stories! so thank you again. i truly appreciate every single comment, even the ones i don't agree with. i honestly can't tell y'all enough just how much it means to me that you read what i write, and that you respond. i mean, your comments aren't little chinsy ones either- they are LONG, meaningful and honest. i know i'm just repeated myself in various ways here... but i just want you to know that i never take you for granted.... and just how much i truly and sincerely appreciate everything and all of you. you really are the best.
lastly, i just want to touch on things a tad bit more. blake walking me down the aisle is the most natural thing for me. i want blake to feel like he is a part of this day. i don't want him to feel left out, or feel like this day has nothing to do with him. so him walking me down the aisle is beyond perfect in my mind. and i'm not being "given away"... i'm being "shared." we are wording it so that it will say something about sharing me with boyfriend and blake will have to concur. it really doesn't get any sweeter than that, does it?
and jaymonster- while your comment was the one single comment that made me cringe inside, i realize that i hated it so much because it just might be how my dad feels. i can only assume that he's as offended/insulted as you say any father would be. i didn't intend to insult him with my decision, but i can see how he would be insulted. the part about the whispering though- i really think that if he DID walk me down the aisle, that's when the whispering would begin. not that i would care either way. you see my decision isn't about anyone else's opinion or feelings. it's about what i feel is best, and really, sincerely, true to myself. and having him walk me down as if we have a great relationship and he has every right to be doing that, just isn't how i feel anymore. also, i don't want people to think blake is walking me down the aisle because my dad isn't there. i want them to know that i CHOSE blake and that i WANTED blake to walk me down the aisle. i still think it sucks that my dad can't get past that part and at least attend the wedding of his daughter, but what can you do, right? i think DDM has a very valid point when she talks about it being an excuse. that he doesn't want to face people. because i definitely think that's true. when it comes to this kind of controversy, i've learned that he is a runner. he doesn't stand strong and tall and face the music- he runs away and pretends it doesn't exist. and the bottom line is, it's not really my problem. i'm not the one who will look back on this and feel bad that he didn't come. i mean, i will always know that he CHOSE to not attend. and no matter how he twists it or turns it, that choice will never be my "fault."
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
i mean, how do i say outloud that my dad isn't coming to my wedding? that my dad is choosing to not attend?
i guess i just did.
it's hard to write about this because i'm not entirely sure how i feel. i mean, when i first got the letter from him telling me that he wasn't going to come, i was completely shocked. i read the words, but couldn't possibly believe them. i had just seen him a month prior in tahoe and things were "fine" so how could he be telling me he wasn't coming? i didn't understand. i cried for a moment and then i went blank. i took a breath and the tears stopped falling. and then my insides just went numb. and they've been that way in regards to this, ever since. this constant numbness. it's not pain- because that would hurt like hell. maybe it's a buffer. you know, to stop the hurt. maybe it's just been so constantly painful for the past 3 years, that my heart can't take it anymore? maybe i just don't know anything.
it's hard to put all of this into words. it's hard to make sense out of things that just don't make sense to me. and it's even harder to think that i'm sitting here thinking and feeling all of these things, and he is thinking and feeling the exact same things- but for other reasons. see, i'm not making any sense. let me rewind..
blake is walking me down the aisle. my son. my adorable, charming, little sweetheart of a kid, who i want to be as much a part of this wedding as i can make him, is walking his mom down the aisle. my father, is not. i don't feel bad about this decision. it was the right one for me based upon numerous reasons. i am very content and at peace with my decision to not have my dad walk me down the aisle.
my dad however, is not. he is very hurt. very upset and can't understand how i don't want him to "give me away." he doesn't understand why i can't seperate his cheating and leaving my mother, with the father he was to me. (not taking into account the last 3 years of course). and i don't understand what he doesn't understand about it? and i also don't understand how my child walking with me could possibly be that offensive?!?! i mean, it doesn't get any less offensive than that.
so here we are. he is completely shocked and numbed that i don't want him to walk me down the aisle and i'm completely shocked and numbed that he doesn't want to attend my wedding. i guess in my mind they aren't even the same things. maybe he is just justifying his reasons for not going. maybe in his mind, it makes it all my fault. since i won't give him something, then he won't give me something. but of course, it all stems from my not giving it first. so it's my "fault" right? i just wonder when the blame gets placed on the right shoulders? when the correct person will start carrying the burdon of their actions?
i guess i just don't understand a lot of things... the main one being the fact that my dad can tell me that as long as i'm okay with him not walking me down the aisle, then i should understand how he's okay with not coming to my wedding. but that's the thing.... i don't understand how he can be okay with that. i just don't.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
but then i had blake. and all of a sudden, the one thing career wise that meant the most to me, suddenly wasn't a priority. it didn't mean that i wanted to be a radio personality any less. it just meant that i wasn't willing to do whatever it took to be one anymore. it made me prioritize. the thought of working my ass off and not being around just didn't appeal to me. last time i checked, radio was still playing music on christmas day... and every other day of the year.
having a child changed my focus. things that i wanted for ME, weren't always worth it anymore. the result wasn't worth it. to be clear, my life doesn't revolve around blake. i still do things for me (but they aren't at a cost to him). i like to think that i'm pretty balanced. i'm not one of those moms who can't see past their child. i haven't completely lost who i am in my kid. i still have a firm grasp on me..... while still not letting go of him. and most importantly, i'm happy. i think i'm a good mom, and a good person. i like my balance.
a co-worker of mine recently had her first baby. and i'm hoping she will finally be able to see what she never could before. that not going after your goals because you have new ones, does not make you a weak female. it doesn't make you a quitter. it doesn't mean you're pathetic. and it definitely isn't a reason to look down upon someone. there comes a point when things are purely selfish. and i think once you become a mom, you don't get to be that selfish. not entirely. there is such thing as healthy selfish- and that's where you find your balance. i guess it's all a matter of perspective.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
i was laughing my ass off. i kept looking at trish like "for reals? is he serious? a whole stalk???"
lunchguy- "oh, did you want me to cut it up for you?"
ster- "no, that's fine.. but um.. i just take the whole thing??"
lunchguy- "yeah! put it in some water, it'll last for weeks!!!"
he's lucky i'm already involved with someone.. i mean, giving a girl a WHOLE STALK of celery means something pretty special in another country i bet!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
these are live pictures from tahoe YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!
have i mentioned how much i loathe being cold? how i'm getting married in fucking JUNE for a reason (no snow, not cold, almost summer)??? if it snows on my wedding day, i might just die. no really. drop dead right there on the freaking cement aisle.
i don't want to worry about the weather. truly, i don't. i realize that i can't control it, but COME ON. snow in june?!?!??! why does tahoe hate me?? so help me god, i will be out there with a freaking blowdryer melting all the snow at the ceremony site if i have to.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
best part is- i don't even remember taking the damn thing. no, i wasn't drunk. i just must have been on a contact high from all the fun that surrounded me.
i hope y'all enjoy this picture as much as i have. god i wish it was bigger! thanks chase for holding out on me for almost a whole year. whore.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
okay really, it's not as bad as it sounds. *don't argue with me* i don't know how to explain it without telling you exactly what i did. and i know boyfriend doesn't want to know ANYTHING ABOUT THE WEDDING DRESS!!!!! so either i can't say much- or he should stop reading. see, i can say that kind of crap, cause he has amazing self control. it's okay boyfriend, i won't give anything away..
basically, i went to get alterations last night. and the way my dress is made- well, it couldn't do what i wanted it to do. i tried and tried to make it work, but it just wasn't possible (without it looking like complete crap). and what my alterations lady wanted to do, i wanted to puke over. so i told her to hack it. wack at it. cut it off.
i think i say that so many times because it makes me fucking laugh. who the hell CUTS their wedding dress? like totally hacks at it and cuts parts of it completely off?? apparently i do.
and i think it's going to be great! seriously. it's going to be perfect and wonderful and i can't wait to see it and wear it!!! remind me to tell you exactly what i did AFTER the wedding! :)
Monday, June 04, 2007
it's weird. the wedding is literally, right around the corner and i am second guessing EVERY SINGLE THING i've had planned for the last 2 years. suddenly, i don't have enough candles. i need more candles!!!!! i must have more candles! but i have no time to drive to fucking ikea and get MORE CANDLES!!!! what else can i give people for favors? do i have enough chocolates for the bar? maybe i should order more? will the vases look okay with just water and the stems?! maybe the centerpieces need sea glass in them?! maybe they just need SOMETHING in them??? what else can i DO?!?!?!
he's right- i'm losing it. and that was further confirmed by the fact that i actually thought this the other day...
MAYBE I SHOULD GO TRY ON NEW WEDDING DRESSES!!!!!!!!!
seriously. what in the hell is wrong with me?!?!! i honestly thought that maybe something new has come out in the last 2 years that i would want more! maybe i want a new dress?! maybe something would look hotter? maybe something would look better? maybe i NEED a new dress??
and someone actually wants to marry me.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
then he looks at me all weird like and grabs at his hair...
me: "why? cause she has no hair???"
blake: "well yeah."
me: "oh. well um.. thanks.. i think.."
blake: "you're way prettier than her even if she had hair, mom!"
mom: "oh. well right on! THANKS BLAKE!!"
eat your heart out britney. apparently i'm prettier than you are, even when you had hair! ha!
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Friday, June 01, 2007
anyone with a kid knows how difficult it is to find other kids to play with that require absolutely no effort on your part. you don't have to watch what they're doing 24/7.. you don't have to play referee.. or counselor.. you don't have to do pretty much anything. the jacob's of the kid world are really rare. i feel lucky. lucky because he is such a sweet kid to have around and lucky because i simply adore his parents. and even luckier because boyfriend feels the same. (don't get me wrong, blake has a few really great friends up here as well, but this post is not about them.)
we took the boys to disneyland this past weekend. and me, being oh so smart, grabbed my camera, but forgot the battery i was charging at home. so i had to take camera phone pics. it's better than no pics at all!!!! and yes, disneyland totally rocked. it wasn't crowded and we made total ride progress! we got blake on splash mountain AND indiana jones! this is a huge accomplishment, because he is terrified of rides he hasn't been on before. it was huge smiles the whole time.... well, except right before we would get on either ride- then it was huge tears that absolutely broke my heart and made me die a little inside. i'm not about scaring my kid. i'm also not about forcing him to go on rides. i honestly don't give a shit if he goes on a ride or not. and i refuse to make him go on something he is completely scared of. it's just not that important to me. what is more important is him feeling safe and comfortable. i figure he'll go on certain rides when he is ready too. but for the record, he wanted to go on splash and indy. you know, until we were actually on the damn things. but once the ride was over, he was ready to go again!! *heart repairs itself*