Saturday, September 30, 2006

WOOHOO!!! those are my boys!!!

the LA dodgers are headed to the playoffs baby!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY DODGERS!!!!!!!! love them! and it's so blissful that they beat the shithead giants to secure their place in the postseason! HA! i bleed dodger blue. always have. always will.

i am so freaking excited, but also so freaking sad. i want to buy postseason tickets, but um, hi.. i don't live in LA anymore. i was on the website this morning looking to get tickets. almost bought some. and thought, wtf am i doing? i'm going to be stuck with tickets i can't use. just kind of sucks. last time i bought postseason tickets for me and blake, the dodgers (in typical dodger fashion) choked and didn't make it. and now they're in and we can't go. bittersweet i guess.

GO DODGERS! make me proud!!!! :) GO RUSS MARTIN - you're my favorite (which probably means they'll trade you)!

Friday, September 29, 2006

so he looks like he wants to kill me

big deal. this is the only other pic i've gotten so far from our photographer. blake's ears look huge and boyfriend looks like an axe murderer. sweeeet.

ps- dad said mom said. every friday. it's friday. so go read. next week boyfriend and i are up. lord help us all. do you have a topic you want us to blog about? email me and let me know!

Thursday, September 28, 2006


blake had to get 2 teeth pulled at the dentist this morning. he was such a freaking trooper. he is seriously such a bad ass, awesome kid! i heart him in a big way.

but i wanted to touch on how it feels when your child is in pain and you are powerless to do anything to stop it. even when it's something as stupid as a needle in his mouth to numb it from the dentist. watching him cringe, little tears falling from eyes, and hearing him say "ouch" in a painful voice- makes my stomach go into knots. it's hard to describe the feeling you get when your child is hurting. the way your heart hurts and feels like it's slowly breaking. the way your brain and mind beat you up because instinct tells you that you should be able to make it stop. and it's not a feeling that immediately goes away either. it's something i literally feel, on my shoulders, right now. it's so weird being a mom sometimes. and you could never explain this to someone who has yet to become one, because there is no proper way to do it. at least nothing that even remotely does it justice. how do you explain these feelings of powerlessness? how can you tell someone that nothing in their life will ever be the same again? in ways you can never imagine because you can't even comprehend it right now.

and i wonder.. do guys get the same feeling? when their child is hurt, do they get that pit of the stomach, weight on the shoulders feeling?

all of this reminds me of this "poem" i used to carry in my wallet:

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of starting a family.
"You think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. Want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so profound that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a mama bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. Right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it all up in moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish hers.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby's bottom or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving in defense of children. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift ... that of being a Mother.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

costco hates me

i think this can safely be filed in the category: things that only happen to ster...

i was leaving costco yesterday and pushing my overly stuffed cart into the street when i heard a loud crash. i tried to push the cart, but it was stuck. i was still trying to make it move, but it wouldn't budge! i ran to the front only to see that the cokes and diet cokes had fallen. the cart was on top of the diet coke case thing, and the regular cokes had broken free. they were rolling all over the street! i was chasing cokes everywhere. cars were stopping. don't hit the cokes!! seriously, please picture me chasing cokes left and right as they're rolling into the street while people are trying to drive and not hit them. and everytime i tried to put them back into the box, they'd fall back out. i wanted to just sit down in the middle of the street and laugh, but i think someone would have ran me over. save the cokes, hit the ster.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

THE bachelor party, revisited

the topic of the household once again is revolving around this stupid, fucking bachelor party. as you can tell, boyfriend's brother was in town this past weekend. he's obsessed with the bachelor party he wants to throw for boyfriend. he talks about it everytime i see him. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

i hate the bachelor party. i hate the whole idea of it. i think it's archaic and i think it's pathetic. and i solely base these feelings and opinions on the fact that the whole idea of bachelor parties normally revolves around strippers and strip clubs (not to mention the mentality that "this is your last night of freedom duuuuude"). if the bachelor party was something more simple, and less about random naked chicks, i wouldn't care as much. boyfriend's bachelor party will be no exception to the naked chicks rule, and i'd be an idiot to think otherwise. they are planning to go to vegas for an entire weekend. so i don't even get the courtesy of boyfriend being out for one hellish night and then coming home to me.. i get the courtesy of being put through an entire weekend of suck. just writing about this pisses me off. let's figure out why, k?

do i trust boyfriend? yes. i couldn't have dated him long distance if i didn't. however, do i think that anything could happen? yes. but whatever could happen in vegas during his bachelor party, could happen anytime. you know? but i do feel like the situation of a bachelor party is kind of just asking for potential trouble. putting yourself into situations you wouldn't normally put yourself into. if it's not okay on any normal day, why is it okay on that one? and realistically, how much control does boyfriend over what is going on that weekend?

i wish i didn't care. i wish it wasn't a big deal to me. but it is. and maybe it's become a big deal since i've become a mom? because lord knows so many other things have become big deals to me since birthing that child. maybe this is one of them. maybe it's because i can't really relate. like i have no desire or need for a bachelorette party (and i fucking hate male strippers.. touch me, lose your hand). but you better bet your ass that if he's going away for a whole fucking weekend of this crap, that i'll be doing the same. and that's when it becomes a game. because i'll be doing it out of spite... to be "even." and that's so stupid. but i'll still do it, because if he's going away for a party weekend, then so am i. i know that if i don't do anything and he does, i'll be bitter about it later on. i hate how immature i am sometimes.

what is the point of the bachelor party nowadays? what was the point of them ever? it's not about the couple. it's not about the upcoming wedding. there couldn't be a single event that is LESS about the coming together of a couple in marriage, than a bachelor party. it's something a male created, implemented, and now all things with penises must comply to.

here's another catch 22 with this whole scenario. on one hand, i feel like my feelings about this event don't matter. the fact that it has me upset.. that i hate the whole idea of it... that i think it's disrespectful.. that i'll be physically ill the whole weekend.. doesn't matter. none of how i feel matters. because it's still going to happen. no details are going to change based on how i feel about any of it. and i think that's so rude. i honestly think it's so fucking disrespectful. but the flip side of that is not having the party because it upsets me. and that sucks even more. because it's not what i want. i do not want to be that fucking controlling. please don't think that i don't want him to have a bachelor party at all. it's not that. i could care less about him actually doing something, going out and celebrating with his buddies for a night or a weekend even. especially if it was something that truly suited his character. i can imagine him going hunting, fishing, camping, offroading, etc for a whole weekend (hell, a week even). that would make sense to me. i guess i just don't understand why it has to be vegas. why it has to include strip clubs and strippers. why it has to be the most stereotypical bachelor party location on earth. WHY does it have to be all of these things? that's the part i just genuinely don't understand and don't get. and i find myself struggling to figure out which part of gambling, strip clubs, strippers, dancing, bars, etc is a part of my boyfriends character. it just seems lame that he'll be having his party at a place that couldn't be more UNhim. but maybe that's the whole point?

if plans were to change now because i'm upset, i'd feel like shit about it. feel like crap because you're going to vegas for a weekend... feel like crap because you changed from vegas to somewhere else. how do you win? i guess the answer to that one is that maybe vegas should have never been an option to begin with. boyfriend knew far in advance how i felt about bachelor parties, strippers and stuff like that. so in essence, he's put me in this position by allowing vegas to be okay'ed for the location. maybe he should have talked to me about it first? maybe there's a reason he didn't.

i hate this. i'm tired of writing about it and not feeling better. i'm tired of finding more questions instead of all the answers. i'm just tired.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

pity party for 1

remember when i got unasked to be a bridesmaid? i didn't realize it at the time, but i think that in being unasked to be a bridesmaid, i was kind of unasked to be a friend? i put a question mark there, because i don't truly know. i want to chalk it up to her just being busy with the wedding, honeymoon, and wanting to start a family... but what if it's more than that?

i'm questioning this now because i was talking to one of our mutual friends and she brought up the bachelorette party. and i was like, "what bachelorette party???" and it hit me right then and there, that i wasn't included in things anymore. i didn't even think about her having a bachelorette party. it didn't even occur to me (although it should have). and suddenly, i've become the friend who hears about things second hand, and sees the pictures only after the event has happened.

i felt bad knowing that she had this really fun party and i wasn't even asked to be a part of it. it's true that i most likely would not have been able to attend, but that isn't really the point. is it? because even though her and i aren't as close as we used to be- i would always think to include her in what i'm doing. if i have a bachelorette party, it wouldn't even occur to me to not invite her. regardless of if she could come or not, i would definitely extend the invitation. and it just made me really sad to know that i'm no longer given the same courtesy.

i'd like to think that i'm reading way too far into this. it just hurts that i don't feel like i'm a part of her life anymore. and certain things catch me offguard- like the party. because i knew nothing about it, and suddenly there were these really fun pictures that i was seeing and laughing at and loving... but still, knew nothing about. i guess i just felt left out. and it never feels good to be the one who's not included.

Friday, September 22, 2006

it's friday fun.. and tears

it's all about balance right.. make you laugh, make you cry?

is it just me, or does the new tickle me elmo look like he's wacking off half the time? seriously. watch this video. judge for yourself. see how quickly your kid starts humping the floor after you buy them this toy. don't say i didn't warn you. tickle my private parts elmo- i bet the creators loved making this!

it's friday and that means there's another post up at dad said, mom said! it's about sex. and finding the time to have it. and wanting it. and then actually doing it. go read!

and not to depress you or anything, but i stumbled across this blog yesterday (thanks finelly). it is heartbreaking. this couple has chronicled their journey online ever since they found out that their daughter had a very rare form of cancer. she "finally" passed away a few days ago, after many days of seeming as if they would be her last. the strength with which her mother writes, is truly inspiring. i often put myself in her position. what if that was blake? how would i write about it? and i often think that i would be so much more emotional, that i would barely be able to form coherent thoughts- much less sentences. but this mother does so much more than that. i encourage you to read this blog, if you can stomach it. have kleenex ready and then run and hug your kids. and don't let go.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

i'm like target in july

while you're still donning your bathing suits, i decorate the house with halloween stuff! you're reaching for sunscreen, and i'm putting out halloween costumes. next thing you know, i'll have the christmas tree up!

i didn't mean to put the theme up this early.. i was testing how it looked yesterday and i accidentally hit save instead of preview. so i said, fuck it- and here it is! hope you like it! i think it's fun! :) wait til you see the rest of the themes for the year. HAHA! too bad they aren't as cute and fabulous as the themes are at my message board (go check it out- it's so cool!) i need you to know that all of my themes match eachother. my forum/message board.. this blog.. and my suckspace. i am a total dork.

speaking of my dorkiness... i bet you thought i was kidding about the herbal essence stuff, didn't you? remember? how i'm a sucker for cute packaging and fun bright colors? see? that's my shower.. and my cabinet under the sink. ster= sucker.
just found this video.. WHITE AND NERDY.. HAHAHAH.. you must watch it!!!!

speaking of things you must watch.. HELLO GREY'S ANATOMY! TONIGHT! season premiere!!!! can't.fucking.wait!!! i hate meredith thought and i kind of wish she'd get killed off the show. i'm so sick of listening to her whine. and dr. mcsucky is a cheating whore. and he's not cute people! please, for the love of all that is right in the world, please stop insisting that he is cute. thanks! :)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

puppies, rainbows and justin timberlake!

blake's class went on a field trip the other day to the guide dog factory. ha, factory. guide dog place? guide dog home? guide dog training center? whatever! he went to a place that was FULL OF PUPPIES!!!! golden retriever ones! and labs! and german shepherds!!!!! i love puppies! especially golden retrievers! i want one (or twenty). look at how cute! don't you just wanna smoosh his little face?!??! SMOOOOOCH!!!

rainbows.. um yeah. god hates northern california and that's why they never have rainbows here.

justin timberlake is bringing a hell of a lot more than sexy back.. mmmmmkay? his new cd is awesome. but if you like real instruments and the sounds of actual strings and chords, this isn't the cd for you. it's a very processed, unnatural sound- but it works. i have like 4 other cd's i keep trying to keep on rotation (john mayer's new one, the fray, the last kiss soundtrack and christina aguilera), but i can't take justin out of my cd player! there are literally only 2 songs on the entire cd that i skip. otherwise, it's super fun and super funky! i dig it!

the new joke around the office (okay, so it's just between me and michele) is whenever someone isn't doing something attractive, we tell them that they are NOT bringing sexy back! for example; farting = not bringing sexy back. "um ryan, you are not bringing sexy back, mmmkay?" and it totally works the other way around. michele smacks her ass and i yell, "now THAT'S bringing sexy back!" it's all about bringing sexy back folks.. work it out!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

shades of gray

the post below about how i'm not a feminist was difficult for me to write. it was difficult because i rarely, if ever, see things in simple black and white. for me, it's always about the billion shades of gray that lie between. so in things like the post below, it genuinely is hard for me to take a solid and firm stand. i always feel like i'm writing and i want to interject with things like "well i only believe this way IF.. and i believe in this in this situation, but not if the situation was something like THIS..." know what i mean? so it's very difficult for me to convey everything i think and feel, because it is so relative. it is so situation inspired.

hell, maybe i am a feminist by basic definition. i've just never labeled myself one. and i've never wanted to label myself as one. you guys were right. you were so right on when you said that the word feminist has gotten a bad rap over the years. because i totally think it has. when i think of the word feminist, i don't want to be associated with it (and no, not in the "i am above you" kind of way... in more of the "i can't relate to your craziness" kind of way). i don't think the feminists of today, are anything like the feminists of our yesteryear. but i could be totally wrong (suebob- no more schooling. lol- smooch!). my grandmother was one of the first female principal's in a school in southern california. she's a freaking bad ass and i love her for it. that is the kind of strength that i admire. that's the stuff in my opinion, that is worth fighting for.

but when i think of the feminists today, i think of the extremists. i think of the women who have the attitude towards other women that you are either with us, or against us. the type of women who attempt to make you feel bad that you don't want to fight. the women who expect you to take a stand because they are. those women who feel that simply because you are a woman, you should be flying to DC to march on the capital. for what again? i'm all for fighting for a cause when it's something i believe in. you can get me riled up when it's something that's important to me. but to march for the sake of marching isn't really my style. but, i guess that's what all of this is right? maybe marching for the sake of marching is someone else's style. maybe that march is important to them. and that's why they do it. see, it's all relative. and i'm not trying to group all feminists together into 1 extremist lump. i don't think that everyone who considers themselves a feminist, is an extremist. i'm just pointing out that when i do think of the word feminist, my gut reaction is to associate it with an extreme person.

i think of the women who are like an ex-friend of mine. she was so extreme, closed minded, and judgemental- yet she constantly talked about how she was none of these things. she was always pissed off about something and could rarely have a civilized debate because every fucking thing got her so riled up. she called people on the other side of her fence names. anyone who didn't agree with her, or see things from her perspective was an idiot (among other things). she always had to be right. and she was a self proclaimed feminist. so i never wanted to be one of those. i never wanted to be associated with that way of thinking. that harsh, closed minded perspective isn't something that i can relate too. i'm far too fucking understanding. i see things from all sides. hence, more shades of gray.

i guess the bottom line is that i am not extreme anything (except extremely fun!!!). i always think that there is a middle ground to be found. a compromise. it may not make everyone happy, but it's a start. i don't think that going to extremes helps a cause. i think it makes the cause and the people less credible. but that's just my opinion. what's yours?

ps- i must admit that this post is totally straying from what i was even trying to say in my initial post below. all i meant was that i wasn't about women this, women that because i'm a woman. my post was simply meant to mean that i'm a who you are type of person, not a what you are type of person. carry on. lol

pps- writing this gave me a fucking headache. tomorrow, i'm writing about puppies and rainbows.. or justin timberlake! oh yeah!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

i'm not a part of the feminist movement

and i'm not afraid to admit it. or say it out loud. i feel that many women out there are so proud of being feminists that they scream it at the top of their lungs as often as they can (while pushing their political beliefs down your throat). and i just wanted to make it clear here, on my blog, that i'm not a feminist. at least not in the "member of now, going to conferences about how awesome women are, guys suck because they're male," kind of way. so while everyone else is screaming about how empowering it is to be a woman, and how you should do this, or do that- i'm just here to post that i can't relate to any of it. i don't consider myself a feminist and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. but sometimes i wonder if i'm the only one? is there something i'm missing here? aren't i supposed to be a feminist simply based on the fact that i'm a woman? aren't i supposed to want to support everything that women do, because i'm in the secret club? because i don't. i hate extremism. and i think that's what SOME feminists are- extremists. to put it simply- i just find it empowering to be me, and that's not because i'm a woman- it's because i'm jennster. being a woman is a part of who i am, but it's not all that i am. and there is so much more to me than simply my gender, that i refuse to use it to my benefit. i refuse to use it, period.

i don't care about certain things that as a "woman" i'm apparently supposed too. who knew that being born into this gender meant that i was supposed to feel certain ways... be appalled by certain things... or want to take a fucking stand about everything?? why can't i feel certain ways based on the fact that i'm human, not based on the fact that i'm a woman? i'm not into drawing attention to the fact that i'm a girl- i mean, can't you tell that by looking at me? i'm also not into feeling like i'm owed certain things, just because i'm female. i don't look for entitlement. i don't look for reasons to make excuses. and i don't try to lead any charge by screaming that i'm doing it BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN! i don't believe in special priveledges because of your gender and/or race. i don't think someone kicks ass because of what they are- i believe they kick ass because of who they are.

i don't believe in rights for someone based on the fact that they are a woman- i believe in rights for someone based on the fact that they are a person. does anyone else know what i'm trying to say here? i guess it's just that i'm not a feminist, i'm more of a humanist (thanks steph). i think things are right or wrong because that is what they are- not because of who they're happening too (wait, that's not entirely true.. there are definitely shades of gray in this). i just don't think of things as gender based. i think of them as human based. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that.

i'm a woman. i'm proud to be a woman, but i'm more proud to be an American. and i'm most proud to be me, woman or not.

edited to add- that i'm proud of how far we've come. and i'm thankful for those women who were strong enough to fight for what was right back in the day when we were discriminated against based on the fact that we were women, alone. and i would like to think that i would have done the same thing. but not because i was trying to be a feminisit, but because i was trying to be FAIR. i believe in fighting for what is right. fighting for what's fair and just. for EVERYONE, not just women.

Friday, September 15, 2006

a quick note about blogher 2007

you read that right. i'm not going people. and as much as i'd love to grope and fondle each and every one of you- i won't be there to do it.

i'm getting married next year and then going on a honeymoon and then blogher chicago is like 3 weeks later. it's not happening. unless i somehow pull an elizabeth and get everything paid for!
anyway, i just wanted to put it out there cause lots of you comment about seeing me there and as much as i'd love to be just as excited about it as you are- i fear that blogher '07 will be happening without me. which just sounds wrong. so very, very wrong.

you have months to get used to the idea of partying without me. again, another so very wrong statement.

please excuse me while i go cry now.

edited to add- i want to be clear that I WANT TO GO! i would love nothing more than to be there on that weekend.... i just don't think i'll be able to afford to go. you know, after going broke paying for this damn wedding and honeymoon. so that's it. i want to be there. i love the hell outta you girls and well, it doesn't seem right for me to not be there. and i will hate that weekend when it rolls around and i'm at home and y'all are there....... without me... *sniffs*.... but yeah, a girl can only do so much. you know, like cry. *cries*

Thursday, September 14, 2006

more fun with 3rd graders!

i was leaving blake's school this morning when this group of girls ran up to me..

girl: are you blake's mom?
me: yep
girl: are you working in our class?

me: huh?
girl: i said, are you here to work in our class?
me: no.. i have to go to work.
girl: oh. then what are you doing here?

what the fuck? what am i doing here? i wanted to tell her that i was here to beat her ass for being such a controlling little parent nazi, but i refrained.

me: i walked blake to class.
girl: where is blake?
me: i like to walk blake to class.

girl: where is blake?

me: cause i think he's cute..
girl: where is blake?

me: and i like to follow him around
girls screaming: WHERE IS BLAKE?????
me: oh. blake? he's on the playground.

*the 3 girls run off*
i shoulda tripped em.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

observant, our neighbor is

the following is the way our neighbor described our foul mouths.. boyfriend and mine that is..(when blake isn't around of course):

"jenn.. you talk like a truck driver."
"and talk like a whore at a truck stop."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

it's NOT business as usual

but i'm glad that 9/11 is now yesterday. instead of tomorrow. or today. there is something about the build up TO that day that just fills me with so much anxiety. oh my gawd, it's one week from today. or.. it's in 2 days. or.. it's tomorrow. it's like this countdown that is filled with so much overwhelming emotion and heartache. it's still hard. 5 years and it's still something i can't comprehend. it's still something that breaks my heart. it's still something that shakes me to my core. sometimes, i feel too much. i actually breathed a small sigh of relief this morning knowing that "the day" was now behind me.

work didn't matter after that day. it didn't hold the importance that family did. that love did. that your fellow neigbors did. hell, that your fellow American's did. day in and day out for months, i questioned the importance of it all. what did my job matter? what did it do for anyone? did it save lives? what was its purpose???? how can my boss want me to set up a meeting about ESPN, when right now.. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ESPN?!??!?! and if they DO give a fuck about espn, good god, WHYYYYYYY????

and now, five years later, the fact that we all go to work on 9/11 and conduct ourselves as if nothing happened, makes me sick. it's business as usual and something about me hates that. because on that day, 5 years ago, it was anything but. i don't forget easily. i get affected by things, and it's hard for me to get UNaffected. and i just don't understand why sometimes, i feel like i'm the only one.

Monday, September 11, 2006

No Sal, you're the best!

it's been 5 years since the attacks on the World Trade Center. 5 years. September 11th has affected me in too many ways to count. too many ways to truly even begin expressing in writing, words, or otherwise. i'll try to sum it up by saying it's something that is never very far from my mind. i will never forget how i felt that morning. my drive to work.. blinding myself with tears that wouldn't stop falling. i specifically remember looking to my right at the car passing me and him just looking at me, with total concern in his eyes. and then sitting at work glued to the television, wondering what the fuck i was doing there. the pain. the horror. the emotions. everything about that day comes screaming back to me in an instant if i let it.

i know people are tired of reliving this day. they want to move on. but what about those who lives were forever changed, more than yours or mine was? how do you balance moving on, with remembering? and when do you get to the point that watching a special about 9/11, or seeing pictures, or hearing voices of the now dead- doesn't bring you to tears? when does it become something you can talk about without having an emotional breakdown? does it ever? they say that time heals, and in my life i've always found that to be true... until now. because to me, 9/11/2001 is just as real today, as it was then. i'm having trouble putting it into the past. it's like there's this hole inside of me that just stays raw and full of so much intense emotion. and that's where everything about this day resides and lives. just as alive now, as it was then. i have no idea when or if that will ever change.

when i chose to participate in dc's 2996 project- i had no idea what i was truly getting into. sure, i would be given a name of a "victim" from that day to write about. but i had no idea how much i'd come to learn about one person i'd never heard of before. and now, i just wish i'd gotten the chance to know him in life, instead of the opposite. i am leaving this up for a few days because i really want it to sink in. sal was a person you could have known. he could have been your neighbor, your friend, your coach, your local fireman, etc. he was all of those things to many people. and now he's gone. the least i can do is allow everyone the time to actually read about him and get to know him while you deal with your own emotions about 9/11.

so this is for sal- and everyone who knew him.. and those of us who didn't get the chance.

Sal was 38 years old and just finishing his shift when the attack began on the WTC in new york city. he cancelled plans he had just made with a friend to work out, turned his car around and headed back to the firehouse. Once there, he jumped on his firetruck heading towards the destruction. That's just the kind of man he was. He didn't run from chaos.. he ran to it... to help ease it. Sal had been part of Ladder 101 for 14 years, since he first started working as a fireman. That firehouse was a second home to him. All of his co-workers, brothers. The entire Ladder Company was lost that day. 7 guys just vanished into the rubble; to never be heard from or seen again. The group of guys from that ladder company are now referred to as the "Seven in Heaven." Sal was one of them.

A proud American, you could often find Sal watching specials about World War II and the Vietnam War on the History Channel. Growing up with his older brother, they would often fight about who would get to go to war (if there was one) and who would stay home with their single mother. It seemed that the only time Sal questioned defending the nation, was when his mom was involved. When she passed away, he got his only tattoo on his left shoulder, in her memory.

Like most firefighters, Sal loved his job. But he loved his family more. His greatest joy in life was watching his 2 young sons grow up. He coached the T-Ball team, and when he couldn't be there, he would call his wife multiple times daily to see how they were doing and what they were up to.
"He was an unbelievable dad," Mrs. Calabro said. "I can't explain it. My kids would always look for him before they would look for me. When they got hurt, they wanted their daddy."
Sal and his wife met as teenagers in a grocery store where they both worked. They'd been together ever since and were married on September 16, 1989.

Sal was a beloved firefighter. His catch phrase was "You're the best!" Whenever he would say it, people would respond back with, "No Sal, you're the best!"
"The guys on the job loved him," Mrs. Calabro said. "Since he was there for 14 years, they called the firehouse 'Sal's House.' They said he was the heart and soul of Ladder 101."

Now the "heart and soul" of Ladder 101 only exists in memories, on memorial walls, in framed photographs, and in the hearts and soul of those he touched and loved. The man who once described heroes as "people who knowingly and willingly enter a peril situation and lay down their lives for other people" has become just that. A hero by his own definition. And mine as well.

Rest In Peace Salvatore Calabro. And thank you for letting me get to know a true hero.

this website has a lot of information about the Seven in Heaven and is where i found the majority of my information and pictures about Sal.

i am adding in this poem that salvatore's wife wrote to him.. i just found it, so forgive me for adding it so late.

i found this poem here... please click the link, because maybe the person you're blogging about has a love letter as well.

Salvatore CalabroTuesday, 1/7/2003
A Conversation With Sal
Often I dream of a conversation with you.
I tell you I love you, and wish 9/11 wasn't true.
What the hell did happen?
Do you believe it yourself?
I'm still in shock, and don't know what to do with myself.
You needed to know about history and war,
Did you know you'd be part of such violence and gore?
What would you say? Are you OK where you are?
You remain in my heart, and are never too far.
I hope you have everything you didn't have in this life.
I hope you forgive me for my shortcomings as a wife?
The world has gone crazy. Nothing is the same.
I want to keep you alive -- let everyone know your name!
Sal Calabro -- my husband, a father, a hero he is.
The flag now in vogue was a fashion statement of his.
In my sleep we do visit. No words do I hear.
I understand you are with me -- your smile says don't fear.
People think I am crazy, your signs I do see.
Moths, numbers and birds are messages for me.
Help me and guide me in raising our boys.
They need to remember you and all of the joys.
Their lives are filled with sadness. You were their best friend.
Please protect and guide them 'til the very end.
We have all changed. Life isn't the same any more.
I hope you will meet me when I come through that door.
Until then I'll always love you!
Keep letting me know that you are here.
And I will let you be remembered --my love and my dear.

The father of two is remembered in this letter written by his wife, Francine.

Friday, September 08, 2006

because you don't have enough blogs to read

it's time for DAD SAID, MOM SAID! launching today!!! head on over there and read what happens when couples both blog- about the same topic.

and yes, boyfriend and i will be participating in this. check it!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

a penny for your loving

some dumbass said the following to boyfriend recently. and since i'd never heard of it before, i figured i'd share it with all of you. it's too good to keep all to myself. information like this should be shared with the world! you should tell everyone too! because this information right here is the key to bliss, folks. happiness is just a jarful of pennies away! who knew?

apparently someone told boyfriend that once we get married, we should put a penny in a jar everytime we do it for the first year. then the next year, we should take a penny out everytime we do it. apparently, we will never, ever, ever (did i mention EVER) take all of the pennies out again. (measured yearly)

don't you just feel good all over? isn't that the most uplifting, positive thing you've read all day? aren't you glad you visited this blog????

good lord- why do guys tell eachother this kind of shit? i mean, can't you factor many things into your sex life? you know, like life? or birthing.. or what the hell ever? but seriously- what is it with the male species and their absolute need to talk shit about marriage? why can't guys find anything positive to say about it? if it's so freaking bad, why do so many of them do it? why get hitched if the rest of your life is going to be over the moment you say "i do." why am i trying to figure out the male species?!?!?! can i ask more questions in one freaking post?!?

let me know how else men's lives are over after marriage, okay? i'm all about feeling the love today.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

crackwhores & std's? hot.

here are some of the ways people have found my blog recently (y'all are freaks by the way):

fatty wompus - why was someone searching for this? although saying it out loud cracks me up everytime! FATTY WOMPUS, FATTY WOMPUS!

crackwhore diaries- i am certain you found what you were looking for here, on my blog.

how many calories in a mini twix- as if i would talk about how many calories are in ANYTHING i eat. pashawwww

smashed fairies - poor little fairies.

stds scabbies - um, fucking nasty. and someone please tell me what in the hell post of mine brought up this link?

blogher bitches - now you're talking. DING DING DING we have a winner!

dodgers suck shirt- whoever found MY site from this search.. SUCKS in a very not good or satisfying way. and oh yeah, eat a dick.

things that remind me of summer- awwww, i remember this. it was one of my thursday thirteen's on a friday. i heart summer!

excercise and breastfeeding- HA! and HA HA! i do neither and i do neither rather well, thank you very much.

pearl thong under my dress - how about "nothing under my dress"... that sounds much better.

california- i love how someone searches for a state name and they get my blog. oh hell yeah, california is all about JENNSTER! and jennster is ALL ABOUT CALIFORNIA!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

the post you've been waiting for

who cares about what i've accomplished for the wedding, when we have a jenny mccarthy and carmen electra story?!?! who wants to see engagement pics of me and boyfriend when there are pics of those hot pieces of ass to look at??!? i get it. i get it. stop hounding me with emails about what happened that night, people!

the reason all of this took so long was because i was waiting for the pictures from the professional photographers to come back, hoping... hoping that at least 1 of the pics i was in with the girls would be decent. but they aren't. they all suck. of me i mean. so i'm forced to talk about our evening and show ugly pictures of myself. but y'all won't care because you won't be looking at me anyway. right? right.

so boyfriend and i got completely spoiled this evening. after our engagement pics, we headed to harrah's where we were all checked in and just had to pick up our room key. our room was pretty big. not huge, but big enough that we had 2 completely seperate bathrooms. so i made boyfriend stay out of mine. that's the whole point of having 2 right? i get one and he gets the other. he didn't believe me when i told him that they both had tv's in them. but they did. and that was fun! totally unncessary, but still fun! there was a huge gift basket full of candies, nuts, cheeses, crackers, water, etc just waiting for us to open and eat upon arrival. and then we also learned that we had a $100 comp food/bar on our room. that was all we needed to hear, and we ran upstairs to the tahoe buffet and gorged ourselves silly. but we still had way too much money left on our comp- so we went to the bar to see if boyfriend could drink the rest of the "free" money away. he couldn't. but he tried. A for effort!

we went to a pre-party in some vip room and that's where we met the girls for the 1st time. they are SO beautiful in person. stunning to look at with killer bodies. and so super nice and fun. carmen just comes off as SO ridiculously sweet and kind. she is definitely the quieter of the 2 (shocker). jenny is silly and has a mouth like a truck driver. i love it. i told her she was a sexy bitch. she laughed her ass off. then i told them both to molest boyfriend. i told them to touch him inappropriately and make him uncomfortable. carmen laughed and said that "jenny will do it!!!" so boyfriend was talking to them and jenny was leaning in and whispering in his ear for what seemed like forever.. i was dying, hoping she was saying good stuff. apparently she was. dirty, whorish stuff. love it!

so after that party, we had to walk the "red carpet" into the club, where we had a killer vip booth waiting for us with a bottle of grey goose vodka and cranberry juice at our disposal. the bottle of cristal came later. there were chocolate dipped strawberries and our very own cocktail waitress to bring us whatever we wanted. i don't think we asked for a thing though. i got to dance on stage and on the catwalk... we chatted with carmen and jenny very little. they both seemed really tired. carmen had just flown in from turkey that day and jenny didn't seem super into the scene. they talked a lot to and with eachother and we basically, left them alone. blah blah blah, who cares.. stop writing.. stop talking.. show pictures. okay.

more pics at flickrrrrrr

Sunday, September 03, 2006

i am a marketing person's DREAM!

or their sucker. or their bitch. you decide. and hell, it might not even be the marketing people. maybe it's the packaging and design people who should pretty much pay me for being such a pushover.
i went to target today (all hail the target gods) and bought the new herbal essence shampoo and conditioner SOLELY based on the fact that their new bottles are totally fun, pretty, bright and colorful! honestly. THAT IS WHY I BOUGHT THEM! because their bottles are CUTE! that is why. i totally suck, but look at how cute the new bottles are!! can you blame me????

the other thing i was a total sucker for? freaking kleenex. i wouldn't have even bought them if their new designs weren't so freaking adorable and fun. all beachy, lighthouses, and retro colors- TOO CUTE TO PASS UP! nevermind that i don't need any more tissues until the next century, THESE BOXES WERE CUTE! OOOH, MUST HAVE THEM!!!!

good god, someone to pay me for this shit.

Friday, September 01, 2006

dear person who dropped a wad of cash

i'm sorry you dropped your wad (wad = $7). really, i am. i feel bad that you were probably really bummed to realize that you lost whatever cash you had in your pocket. i picture you rooting through your jeans and car to no avail. at least it was "only" 7 dollars and not $107, right?
i found your wad of cash lying in the street in reno. and so far, you've bought me 2 chai tea latte's from starbucks and paid blake's allowance. so i just wanted to thank you! you're the coolest stranger ever!